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[shawn]

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i look around the nursery, completely exhausted after tidying it all up, and making sure everything was okay again. the guy to fix the wall came and went in the space of maybe four hours, saying that we just had to let the plaster dry, and then paint over it, which was easy enough since it wasn't much to cover. everything was back in its rightful place, and i had put away all the clothes, and fixed the crib. luckily i didn't break the actual wood, only broke the built up crib, so it was fairly easy to put back together.

i felt terrible about things.

i shouldn't have trashed the nursery, i knew i shouldn't have even touched it, after all, it's for my child. i shouldn't have even gotten drunk the night she left.

it was partly my fault, i didn't fight for her to stay, i should have just got myself together and explained everything to her then and there. i knew she wasn't annoyed about the kiss after i explained it, but i knew she was pissed about the nursery, even if she said she wasn't mad at me.

it hurt a lot when she said she was disappointed in me.

i look out of the window, seeing the sky cast into a matter of grey, rain beginning to find itself over the city of toronto. it was pretty much pathetic fallacy, i felt exactly how it looked outside.

i hadn't seen anya all morning, and all afternoon, but i knew she was up and about. i was eager to get everything sorted out, so i did. i stayed awake at night, and worked through the morning until the plastering guy came over. thankfully, i was finished with tidying up, so he could just plaster up the wall and leave. i found a new frame for the sonogram, and it was back on its place on the dresser.

the painting haunted me though. it seemed so perfect compared to the entire room. it showed anya and i in the perfect scene, not letting anything hurt us, or happen between us.

i've disobeyed her trust more than i can even imagine, and that is something i won't be able to forgive myself for.

if i put myself in her shoes, i know i would be just as angry with her as she is with me. it isn't even like i trashed it by just tipping a few things out of drawers, i trashed the entire room. the room i know she and i spent a lot of time on, and the room we perfected for our child, and i managed to ruin all of that in one drunk night.

i shake my head, letting a small sigh pass my lips, before leaving the room, shutting the door lightly behind me, before walking into the lounge, seeing anya asleep on the couch, her legs bent and her hand resting over her bump, the other hand holding her cheek. i smile softly, taking the soft grey blanket from the armchair, draping it over anya, tucking the blanket around her.

i have to do something for her.

i walk into the kitchen, picking up my phone from the counter, and dialling up anya's mums number, pressing the phone to my ear.

"hi shawn, how are you doing?" her mother asks me politely, answering the phone after a few rings.

"i'm okay, how are you, mrs steinburg? i just wanted to quickly say how sorry i am for hurting your daughter-"

"shawn, don't apologise," she tells me. "anya told me the situation, and if i'm completely honest, seeing it from your perspective, it would hurt. i've known you for most of your life, shawn. i know you would never do anything like that on purpose. and the fact you still stand beside my daughter amazes me. you truly are something special."

"thank you so much mrs steinburg, i swear i'm never gonna leave her alone," i assure her. "i also wanted to call to ask what anyas favourite home food is? i wanna do something for her tonight."

"she really loves mac and cheese, with broccoli inside it. she always used to tell me to make it whenever she was sad," she says. "and vanilla ice cream. she loves that stuff."

"okay, thank you mrs steinburg," i respond. "was she keeping well when i was on tour?"

"shawn you know she was," she laughs. "you called her every hour on the hour and made sure she looked after herself. the amount of times she told me she ordered food because you didn't want her overworking herself was crazy."

"i just wanted her to be comfortable," i chuckle. "i read somewhere that the more calm and relaxed the mother is in the pregnancy, the easier the delivery."

"that is very true," her mum tells me. "anyway shawn, i have to go now. i'll see you soon okay? and don't forget lots of cheese in the sauce, and pepper. she loves pepper in it."

"okay, i won't, thank you again," i grin. "see you soon."

a knock is heard at the door and i sigh almost immediately after hanging up the phone. i look at my watch, seeing it's only 5pm, who the hell would be here at 5pm? i put my phone back down on the counter, and open the door, revealing brian, ian, matt and jon standing there.

"what?" i ask, confused why they're outside.

"anya invited us yesterday," jon says, walking inside. "thanks shawn!"

"you're welcome," i sigh. "but she's asleep, let her sleep."

"no i'm not," i hear anya say. "your chattering on the phone woke me up," she says, pushing past me, and going to greet the guys, before they all walk in, taking a seat on the couch. anya yawns, taking her space back, leaving my on the armchair. i shrug, taking a seat, before standing up again.

"drinks?" i ask, walking to the fridge. "beer?"

"yeah," brian says, whilst all the others nod. i open the fridge up, taking five beers out, handing them out to the guys and keeping one for myself, before passing around a bottle opener.

"shawn, we need to talk to you," jon starts, looking anxiously at the rest of my friends, before looking at anya, who nervously looks away at the floor, running her hands over her bump.

"about what?" i ask, letting out a scoff.

"shawn," brian warns. "anya's pregnant. we don't want you to stress her out."

"are you fucking kidding me?" i ask, feeling betrayed by my friends, and the girl i'm in love with. "i'm not stressing her out." anya rolls her eyes, stands up, and walks out of the lounge, straight into the main bedroom.

"she called me after she saw the nursery," brian starts. "she didn't want to scare you, but she felt something. she felt avery move round more than she normally does. she was panicking, and didn't know what was going on, so i told her to call her midwife up. she said that it could potentially be avery moving trying to get ready to get out."

"and she decides not to tell me?" i ask gently, not bothering to even be angry, just sad.

"we get that you were drunk and thought she was gonna leave you, but why the fuck did you trash everything?" matt asks me, as i roll my eyes, taking a sip of my beer.

"i was angry, i was pissed! you guys don't understand at all, that woman is the woman of my dreams, and the fact that she was leaving me without me even explaining broke my fucking heart, and if you guys don't understand my side of things, what sort of friends are you?" i snap, standing up from the seat. "she's carrying my child. i thought i lost them both, you guys will never understand how that feels. my life is so hectic right now, i need her. i need them. don't try and tell me it was all my fault because you all know exactly how stressed out i am."

"anyas body is getting ready to deliver a child, shawn," ian says to me. "she's like our little sister, you know this by now. we just want to make sure she's safe."

"but she is, she's safe with me," i urge, folding my arms against my chest.

"you guys aren't okay right now. she's not safe with you," brian tells me. "which is why you should stay at your parents for a while."

"are you kidding?" i snap, anger filling me. "this is my condo, you can't kick me out. this is my home."

"shawn-"

"i can't fucking believe you guys, you make me feel sick," i spit, clenching my fists. "you really think you can kick me out of my own home because you think i'm a danger to my girls? i would never hurt them."

"shawn, don't start," brian continues. "just go back to your parents. they know you're coming."

"i- you guys can't be serious, right? who's idea was this?" i question, the anger being replaced by betrayal and sadness. "you guys know how damn excited i am, brian, please."

"it was my idea," my blood runs cold. i turn around, and anya stands there, dragging a suitcase, my suitcase, behind her. "i don't want anything happening to avery."

"i will never forgive you for this, don't you dare-"

"shawn please," anya cuts me off. "just go."

"you can't kick me out from my own-"

"shawn," she says slightly louder. "just go."

"if you kick me out now, i'm never coming back," i spit, as she shakes her head, her eyes filling with tears.

"that's a risk i'm willing to take for the sake of my baby."

"i can't believe i fell in love with you," i mutter, snatching my suitcase from her, walking to the condo door, pulling my shoes on, grabbing my car keys and a jacket, walking straight out of the condo, too angry to even think.

what the hell was i supposed to do?