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[anya]

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shawn and i end up eating at a little mexican place nearby his condo, before taking an uber out of downtown to get to the main places where there are plenty of shops. i didn't know where to get maternity clothes from, so i went into one shop and hoped for the best, thinking i could just size up instead of getting maternity clothes.

"hi, do you have any maternity clothes?" shawn asks a sales assistant politely.

"yes we do, they're right over here," she says, guiding us to a section dedicated for clothes for expecting mothers. "how many months are you?" she asks, a warm smile on her lips.

"five," i reply. "we're really excited," i smile, looking at shawn, who's already flicking through the items of clothing, pulling looks at them.

"congratulations! if you need any help with the clothes, don't hesitate to come and find me. my name is jessica, by the way," she says to me, smiling again. "have a good day."

"you too," i respond, before she walks away, and i look at shawn, folding my arms against my chest.

"what?" he asks, shrugging innocently. "these clothes are ugly."

"shawn," i giggle, looking at the rack of maternity trousers and jeans. "i just need to get some over the bump trousers. tops and stuff i can just size up."

"oh thank god," he says with relief. "no offence, you're twenty, not thirty six."

"shawn!" i giggle again, slapping his arm playfully, as i pick up a pair of over the bump trousers; which look like they'd fit.

"but it's true! all this stuff looks like it's meant for a middle aged woman who's having her second child," he shrugs, earning stares from the other women around us.

"shawn, calm down," i laugh, placing my hand on his arm. "let's go pay, and head to the kooples or something,"

"thank god," he mutters. "can i choose some outfits for you?"

"sure thing," i say, picking up the jeans and taking them to the cashier, shawn following me close by. i place the trousers onto the table, smiling warmly at the cashier who scans it and puts it into a bag.

"that'll be 46 dollars and 99 cents, are you paying by cash or by card?" she asks, smiling.

"by card," shawn butts in, holding out his debit card, sliding it into the card machine.

"shawn!" i complain, folding my arms, and nudging him gently. "i can pay!"

"i know, i'm just a nice person," he shoots back, smirking at me, whilst he punches in his pin code, not taking his eyes off of me.

"thank you, have a nice day," the cashier says, handing me the small white bag, as i smile back, taking it and walking out of the shop, shawn following close behind me.

"here, give me the bag," shawn pesters, basically snatching the bag from my hand, before grasping my now free hand with his free hand, making me gasp.

"shawn, stop," i moan, feeling slightly guilty after all shawn has done for me. this just adds to it.

of course it was only a pair of trousers and lunch today, but there's so much more that i feel guilty about. he's letting me stay in his very expensive condo for next to nothing; i only have to buy the groceries i need, and technically all of my income is now disposable income. he never lets me pay bills, never lets me pay for lunch, never lets me do simple household chores, and even buying groceries; he's adamant on him only going out, since buying groceries is 'stressful'.

he's doing so much for me, and i'm not doing anything in return.

"no can do, sweetie," he grins, dragging me to more shops, opening up the door to allsaints, and dragging me into the warmer store.

it was going to be a long shopping trip.

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shawn ended up spending far too much money on myself, and him, considering he needed just a few more shirts, not like he already had too many. we got back to the condo a couple hours later than when we expected to get back, and ended up crashing on the couch immediately, not wanting to adult around the condo.

"oh my god, i remember that! brian literally fell on his face," i chuckle, looking over shawns shoulder, seeing him flicking through the photos on his camera roll from the festival shows last year, and in particular, the summertime ball in london.

"that day was genuinely the best day of the festival run," he grins, scrolling through. "wait, second best. sziget was the best."

"i agree, that show was insane," i say, placing a hand on my bump, sighing softly. "i'm so mad i'm not gonna be going on tour with you."

"so am i, but it's okay, once the little ones born, you can come with her to the us leg. well, after she turns like two months, i think it's safe to travel from then," shawn rambles, making me chuckle. "how's the little one, anyway?"

"she's good," i smile softly, as he turns his phone off, placing it on the coffee table, before turning around, and lifting up my shirt, leaning down and pressing a delicate kiss over the stretched skin.

"hey sweetheart," he coos, making me heart completely melt, and tears build at my eyes. damn hormones. "we can't wait to meet you, hunny."

"shawn," i sniffle, letting a tear roll down my cheek, before chuckling softly. "keep talking to her."

"are you crying?" he asks, looking up with a grin on his lips. "anya, don't cry."

"it's just hormones, keep going," i sniffle, pushing out a small smile. "talk."

"your mom and i went shopping today, and i know for a fact she's gonna be the hottest baby mama out there with these clothes we bought," he continues to speak, making me chuckle, before slapping his arm lightly. "and now your moms slapping me. i'm only saying the truth. she's so gorgeous, and i know for a fact that you're gonna be just as pretty as her, maybe a little bit more."

"shawn," i giggle, resting my fingers over his hand, as he grins, looking up at me again.

"i swear i'm gonna look after you, and make sure you're having the best life from the minute you're here. i'm so excited to meet you, i can't wait," he continues. "but try to give your mom a little rest. she's exhausted pumpkin, just let her rest a little."

i smile warmly at him, as he sits up, pushing my shirt back down, and wrapping one of his arms around me, pulling me close to his chest.

"i don't get it," i mumble, looking up at shawn. "why are you doing all this?"

"doing what?" shawn asks, slightly confused.

"like, buying me everything, buying ave everything, letting me stay here for free, basically paying for my life, her life, and yours, without me even lifting a finger? i feel so bad, shawn," i admit, as he turns his face in confusion.

"what do you mean, anya?" he asks, a tone of offence running through his voice. "i'm doing it all because she's my daughter, i can't just not care."

"but-"

"there's not much to it, it's no big deal anya, drop it," he says, moving his arm away from me, and reaching for his phone again. i huff, folding my arms to my chest. "oh, what is it?"

"i feel guilty, though!" i urge, finally getting out what i wanted to say. "like you're doing all of this, and i can't give you anything in return-"

"you think i need something in return? didn't you just hear what i said? i'm doing it all for my daughter. she's the most important person in my life now even though she's not born yet, i can't just not do things like this," he says firmly. "anya, drop it before we fight."

"but i'm not fighting, i'm just trying to say how i feel-"

"and so am i," he cuts me off, scoffing. "god, i never thought you would be like this."

"what am i being like?" i ask him, slightly offended.

"you're being selfish," he mutters. "don't you realise how much i've risked, just for us to keep this baby? we didn't even talk about-"

"don't you dare say what i think you're about to say," i say quickly, my eyes going wide, as i sit up properly. "don't you dare, shawn."

"but we didn't! we just jumped straight into thinking that we're gonna keep-"

"shawn-"

"without even studying what's going on in our lives! i'm going on tour, anya. i can't be there for you twenty four-seven, just let me give you some luxury now," he says, making me scoff. "don't scoff at me, you know it's the truth."

"nice to know you'd probably change your mind if we 'talked' about it," i mutter, standing up from the sofa, waddling into the direction of the guest room.

"i didn't say that!" shawn argues, making me sigh, before turning around, placing one hand on my back, and the other on my bump. "don't walk away from me."

"you implied it, shawn. you don't think i've risked things?" i ask, hurt running through my voice. "god shawn, when i realised i was pregnant, i thought you were gonna hate me, more than you already did! don't you think i was scared? i didn't know what to think! i didn't know what was going on around me, but never once i thought you were gonna stick with me! i thought you were gonna just leave and let me figure things out on my own-"

"do you really think that low of me?" he spits, standing up, his face holding more of anger than anything else. "huh? answer me!"

"shawn, you don't understand! we weren't in a good place at all! it was only because of finding out about this baby that we were okay- that we forgot about what happened!" i shout, my breathing getting heavier. "fuck this, shawn! i'm not gonna stand here and fight with you about this if you don't understand how i felt."

"i sat with you and comforted you that entire day- my birthday might i just add- when you were crying your eyes out after we found out! don't you dare try and tell me i wasn't there for you, because i have been. i've been here every step of the fucking way, even when you shut me out for two months!" he yells, making me jump. "you don't think losing the other baby hurt me? because it did!" he runs a hand through his hair in frustration, letting out a long sigh. "god, i wish we never slept together that night. why did we have to get so drunk?"

"are you fucking kidding me?" i scream, tears burning my eyes. "take that back right now. i'm not taking that."

"if we didn't, we wouldn't be in this mess!" he yells. "i don't regret avery at all, i regret us!"

"there is no us, shawn! get that out of your head!" i cry out. "admit it, we only started tolerating each other because of this baby!"

"you're not gonna hold onto the things that happened years ago, are you?" he pesters, folding his arms. "give up with it! it's in the past!"

"you really don't understand," i mumble, my voice going soft, as the tears roll down my cheeks. "you don't know what i went through when we stopped talking. i needed my best friend, shawn. you weren't there."

"you had everyone else, laur, brian, ian, everyone!" he compromises.

"i didn't have you!" i finally get out, not bothering about how much of a mess i look like. "god shawn, those two years after my 16th were hell! i needed you!"

"what happened, then? if you're so adamant on needing me, tell me what happened!" he yells back at me, as i sigh, wiping my cheeks, letting out a little sob.

"i was in a really bad place, shawn, i didn't even know what was going on. i was on meds, jason and i weren't exactly perfect, i had a fucking eating disorder, i struggled so much with my mental health, i lost my only two grandparents within three months of each other, my mom got a breast cancer scare, my dad lost his job, we thought we were gonna lose the fucking house- why do you think i was so eager to get that job on your team, huh? why do you think i pestered andrew so much?" i snap, finally letting it all out. "that's why it hurt so much when you just stopped talking to me out of nowhere. are you fucking happy now?"

"why didn't you tell me?" he asks, placing his hands on his hips.

"it's not that easy to tell someone all of that, especially when you don't have the best relationship," i mutter, wiping away my tears.

"oh, don't be the victim here, anya," he sighs, folding his arms to his chest, scoffing. "i-" he cuts himself off with a sarcastic laugh. "i need to get out of here."

so, with a brisk walk, he grabs his jacket, slips on his shoes, picks up his keys, and walks straight out of the condo, leaving me with the eerie slam of the door, and the cold presence casted over the room.

for the first time in the last couple months, i felt terrified.

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