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[shawn]

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i didn't know what i was thinking when i walked out of the condo, i didn't know where i was going, i didn't even know what just happened. i was in shock, and i knew it. i know it was bad for me to leave, especially when she was crying, and angry, and stressed, but i had to get out of there before i said something else that was offensive.

i just didn't understand. why would she come out with all of this so suddenly? why would she keep it bottled up for such a long time? why would she just release it now? why would she decide to say that when we were in such a good place?

i guess it was her feeling insecure, but i can't deny that she got me angry. she assumed a lot, and that made me upset. of course things were going to be hard, of course a baby between everything wasn't going to be easy; we both knew that when we found out, but i think what i said made sense.

if she and i were so concerned about risking everything for a child, why did we even go through with it? we both knew that it was a hard decision, even though we're in a place where financially we would have more than enough to have a baby, it was still something we didn't think about.

i don't regret avery at all, i can't regret her. she's the most precious person in my life already. i just regret how it happened. maybe if we didn't get drunk, and anya and i talked things through properly, we would be fine, maybe on the road to a relationship.

after she told me what she went through... god i felt guilty. nothing could describe the pain i felt when she listed everything she went through, things that i didn't even know that were happening in her life, and on top of that, me randomly ending our friendship.

she needed me and i wasn't there.

just like what you're doing right now, dickhead.

i sighed loudly, taking the short walk to the regular cafe i go to, the cool early night air being fresh on my skin. it was nice, a way to calm me down slightly; i couldn't deny that i wasn't fuming. i was angry. i was angry at anya, and angry at myself.

i picked up my phone, dialling up my moms number, before pressing my phone to my ear, and letting a small sigh out. the cafe was empty, i was the only person there, apart from an elderly man a few tables down, and then usual night time staff.

"hey sweetie, what's up?" my mom answers, as i sigh again, folding my arms.

"hey mom," i say. "i need to get some stuff off my chest. i don't know what to do."

"oh no, what happened hun?"

"anya and i had a fight," i admit. "a bad one at that. i don't know what to do. i'm so angry mom, and i don't even know why."

"do you mind me asking what you fought about?" she asks me, as i shrug, but then realise she can't see me.

"it started with her telling me she felt guilty that i was doing so much for her, like letting her stay for free, buying her and avery stuff and- yeah just spending money, and i said it didn't mean much because of course it doesn't. i'm doing it for my daughter, surely that should matter, right? like she shouldn't feel guilty, right?" i question.

"i don't know, shawn, she's pregnant, and when a woman is pregnant, her thoughts and emotions are all over the place. you can't expect her to understand your point of view, because she probably can even understand her own." my mom guides me. "it's probably just her hormones, shawn. i'd go back home and apologise."

"it's not that easy," i sigh. "that wasn't all that was said."

"what happened?" my mom asks, suddenly more concerned.

"i started saying how much i risked for the baby, and i might have touched on us not even thinking about other options before we decided to keep the baby- i know i shouldn't have said that, and i regret it, but let me continue. she obviously got annoyed with that, and started saying how she was scared when she realised what happened, and that i'd hate her more, and how her and i would never be okay, which i didn't really understand because i'm not that sort of a person who leaves anyone alone if they needs help. then she told me about things going on after we stopped being friends, and i felt guilty about that, but i couldn't help to feel angry. it was like she was talking all about herself, but didn't bother understand how i felt."

"shawn, don't you realise that when she realised she was pregnant, she was in such a weird place? you and her hadn't been getting on for a while, she was probably horrified about things," my mom says warmly to me. "look, i know that i don't have a say in the things that happened between you and anya all those years ago, but if she's still holding onto that, then she's obviously scared to lose you."

"you really think so?" i ask, the fight still swarming around my head.

"i know so. she's terrified she's going to lose you, and i bet you it's because of what happened between you two, because you left her so easily," my mom tells me.

"are you mad at me for doing that?" i ask softly, my consequences hitting me in the face.

"not mad, just disappointed. you adored her as your friend," my mom tells me, sighing softly. "what else happened? you're missing something out."

"i might have said i regretted that night," i admit, biting my lip anxiously. "but i didn't say i regretted avery. i would never say that."

"i think you need to apologise to her, and then talk things out," my mom tells me. "you're heading to europe next week. don't leave with things toxic between you, because anything could happen whilst you're on tour. just remember that."

"yeah," i nod. "thanks mom."

"no problem sweetie, see you soon, okay?"

"yeah, love you," i say, as she mumbles a quick love you back, before hanging up. i sigh softly, before standing up from the table, and walking to the cashier.

"hi, could i get two mango and green teas please? one with extra sweetener, and the other with half sweetener?" i ask the barista, taking my wallet out.

"sure thing. that'll be 6.90," she responds, handing me the card machine, whilst i quickly pay, before waiting patiently for the drinks.

"everything good? you look like you've seen a ghost," the barista asks me, with a slight chuckle as she hands me the two drinks.

"what? oh, yeah, uh, just stuff," i stumble, taking the two drinks with a quiet thank you, before walking out of the cafe, rushing back home, hoping anya is still there.

i finally reach the condo block, taking the lift straight up to the penthouse, unlocking the door and walking inside, seeing anya sitting down on the couch, a photo in her hands, as she traces her little bump, her shoulders shaking softly.

my heart breaks.

"anya?" i ask, putting my keys down, and walking up to her slowly.

"please don't," she whispers, looking away from me, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"no, talk to me, hey," i say softly, putting the tea down onto the coffee table, approaching her gently, before she quickly flinches away, standing up, and walking away from me.

"please!" she begs, wiping her cheeks. "just leave me alone."

"no, i'm not gonna, not when you're like this," i say firmly, looking straight up at her, as she continues to cry, hugging her arms close to her. "baby-"

"don't call me that," she spits. "i'm not your baby, your hunny, your darling, your gorgeous or anything else. i'm not yours."

"anya please, i'm sorry," i say, my voice going slightly high pitched. "talk to me, please. we can sort this out. i'm trying to fix this."

"god damn it, you can't do that! you left in such a mood, and i thought you took your damn car, and i know you drive badly when you're angry, and i was so fucking scared!" she bursts, wiping her cheeks again, before still shaking with cries.

"no, anya, you need to calm down. please, calm down," i say quickly, suddenly concerned about avery. "if you don't calm down for me, calm down for avery. please." she nods, trying to settle out her breaths, placing her hand on her chest delicately. "deep breaths, come on, calm down."

"i-i'm sorry, but i can't do this," she mumbles, after calming down, before she rushes off the the guest room, slamming the door behind her.

"fuck," i mutter, looking down at the picture on the couch, seeing the glass cracked, the thin sheet of glass over the picture of anya and i when we were ten, the picture she gave me for my birthday.

i sigh again, walking up to the door of the guest room, knocking softly on the wood. "hey anya, please talk to me. i'm so sorry."

"please go away shawn, please," she begs. "i don't wanna get myself stressed out again, please give me some space."

"i'm opening the door," i say, ignoring her completely. "i need to talk to you."

"shawn please, i'm not in the right frame of mind and i don't wanna say anything to you that i wouldn't mean-"

"anya, move out of the way, i'm opening the door," i say firmly, pushing my hand onto the doorknob, turning it, and pushing the door open, seeing anya standing right in front of me, a visibly scared expression over her face. "i didn't mean anything i said. i'm sorry. you know that right?"

"shawn-"

"don't say my name. give me an answer," i say, as she sighs softly, sitting down on the bed, holding her hands over her bump. "please."

"i-i don't know," she mumbles. "i understand what would have made you say that but-"

"i don't regret avery at all," i say quickly, putting my hands out.

"what about me?" she says softly. "i-i just can't bring my daughter up in the same place as the guy who doesn't even know if he would be talking to me if we didn't have a baby together."

"don't say that," i say quickly, my heart clenching. "please don't leave."

"what else am i supposed to do, shawn? you and i both know it's not healthy the way we're trying to get on with each other, because i just know that one of these days we're gonna both snap even more than today, and say something that we really regret and-" she cuts herself off with a sigh. "i can't bring my daughter up knowing you're just doing this because i'm pregnant with your child."

"you can't just shut me out of her life-"

"i didn't say that," she says calmly. "you can still have a big part of her life, but i can't go on with us trying anymore. i know you're trying so hard for us to get on, but i don't think i can stay in that sort of a home."

i feel my head spin, as my world slowly crumbles around me.

"i-" i say, my breath getting caught up in my throat. "no."

"no?"

"i'm not letting you leave. you can't," i say to her, folding my arms. "no. i won't let you. you can't just leave."

"i-"

"please just think more about it. i'll show you that i'm not just doing this because you're having my child. i want to fix things between us," i try to compromise. "don't leave now, please don't." she sighs for a moment, before looking up and staring at me with soft eyes.

"okay, i'll think about it," she gives in, making me let out a sigh of relief. "now, can i please be alone?"

"yeah, of course," i say softly to her, feeling my heart rate settle down. "i'm gonna make some dinner, okay?"

"yeah," she nods. "thanks."

"no problem," i respond, taking a step out of the room, closing the door gently behind me, before slowly waking into the kitchen.

i was going to have to convince her to stay sooner rather than later. and that thought scared me to death.

after all, i was going on tour in a little less than a week, and i can't tell what's going to happen while i'm away.

she wouldn't leave whilst i'm away, right?

i just hoped she wouldn't.

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