"Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now.

Live it, feel it, cling to it.

I want to become acutely aware of all I've taken for granted."

Sylvia Plath

I awoke that morning, for the first time in Thane's arms.

It was an odd feeling, a comfortable one. The heat from his body seeped into every inch of me, with his body pressed to the length of my back and his thick arm wrapped around my waist. I could feel his even breaths against my neck, slow and calming.

I had never awoken in anyone's embrace like this before.

I liked it.

There was an alarm clock on Thane's bedside, the red numbers telling me it was much later than when I usually crawled out of bed. Yet another morning training session with Thane had been missed. It was somewhat annoying, missing so many training sessions in a row. But I wasn't sure I could be all that mad when the alternative was this.

Besides, I was more surprised that Thane was still in bed. I knew as Alpha he kept a busy schedule. If he wasn't aiding training, running patrols, settling dispute or keeping the pack and the trainees organised, I knew he now also had to begin training Riley.

I turned in his arms as slowly as I could without waking him. He looked so peaceful like this. Nothing like the ferocious Alpha he was forced to be in front of other packs, or even the strong male he presented himself to his pack. He was just a male, sleeping, features settle into softness; the usually scowl, furrowed brows and taut mouth were gone.

I barely had the heart to wake him, but knew - like me - he preferred to start his day early.

"Thane," I murmured softly, brushing my fingertips across his face. I dragged my touch lightly across his cheek, drawing down towards his lips. "Thane."

He didn't wake, his even breaths steady and undisturbed.

"Thane," I murmured again, replacing my hand with my mouth as I pressed my lips to his in a feather-light kiss.

I pulled back just as a smile curved across his mouth.

"Good morning," he whispered, eyes half lidded with sleep.

"I'd certainly say so," I said, my expression twin to his own with a satisfied grin.

We spent longer than we should have in bed together, but considering who I was with, I didn't think it would be much of a problem if I missed today's training with Lorcan. And I couldn't tear myself away from Thane, not as lips danced a dangerous path down my neck, and his wandering hands found themselves brushing across my entire body.

It certainly was a good morning, allowing myself to be entirely devoured by him.

We didn't leave that bed until an hour later, both of us stumbling to the kitchen with an air of complete satisfaction.

My smiles didn't last long though.

Breakfast was an exceedingly awkward affair.

It wasn't often that so many wolves all ate together on a morning, what with the staggered training times and the inner packs busy schedules. But here I was, sat between Sandra and Lorcan at the dining table, Thane opposite me, with a few other enforcer wolves eating at the table and around the kitchen. Alpha Allister, whose current residence in Colorado I had almost forgotten, was sat at the very end of the table. His eyes were darting between Thane and I with a surprising amount of amusement in his expression. I didn't acknowledge it.

No one was speaking, the silence suffocating as we all ate. I forced myself to stare down at my plate, avoiding everyone's stare. If they weren't looking at me, it was Thane, and he didn't seem to mind the added attention.

I was under no allusion as to whether or not everyone now knew of my relationship with Thane. We had certainly screamed at each other loud enough for the whole house to have heard. And for those that hadn't, word of it would surely spread quickly.

Alpha Allister's presence didn't help. Barely anyone dared to stare at the Alaskan Alpha. His mere presence in the room, I noted, seemed to set the enforcer wolves on edge. It always fascinated me, just how much an Alpha wolf's presence could affect lower ranked wolves. I had seen many wolves avoid an Alpha, most unable to stomach their company for longer than an hour without feeling so overwhelmed - the power of their wolf simply too much.

I accidentally caught the Alaskan Alpha's eye, and turned away sharply, already feeling a heat creep up my neck. The male laughed, the sound a deep sturdy laugh that had the other wolves flinching. Some even left the room entirely.

Good to know he found this so amusing.

He didn't speak though, and no one else in the room acknowledged the tension.

Until, that is, the silence was broken by a loud voice trickling through the open doorway.

"SHE'S WHAT?" I heard Nero shout clear as day from somewhere in the house. "EMILY! EMILY, WHERE ARE YOU?"

I groaned, burying my head in my arms as I heard Nero's hurried footsteps throughout the house, growing closer and closer. He would find me in seconds, there was no way of avoiding this.

Besides me, Sandra snickered. I shot her a look, but she only smirked at me in return.

"You!" Nero hissed, one long finger pointed towards me, suddenly appearing in the doorway. I jumped at the volume of his words. Far too loud for so early in the morning. "Why am I only just hearing that you two," he gestured towards Thane, "are mates! Why didn't you tell me?" He accused loudly.

"I didn't tell anyone!" I defended, cheeks hot with embarrassment. "I didn't know!"

"Well that's not technically true. Technically you told everyone," Lorcan input. I threw the male to my left a sharp glare.

"Technically," I uttered through gritted teeth, nodding towards Thane. "He told everyone."

"Why am I always the last to know?" Nero groaned, shoulders slumped in defeat. The look of despair on his face was almost heart-breaking, almost - because I knew it to be fake. The pup was trying to make me feel guilty. The little shit.

"Maybe if you didn't sleep like the dead, you'd have heard first. Isn't your room right by Emily's? How did you even sleep through it?" Sandra laughed.

"You weren't even in the house last night!" Nero snapped. "How did you know before me?"

"Adriel told me," Sandra said smugly, just as the beta wolf appeared in the doorway behind Nero.

"Adriel!" I snapped. The male had no doubt been the one to tell Nero too. He held up both hands in innocence.

"Hey! Nearly everyone else knew by this point. And I'd like to point out that I kept this to myself for, like, five weeks."

"Adriel knew before me?" My glare now turned towards Thane, who I swore nearly flinched under my fury.

"And let's not pretend he didn't know either!" Adriel continued, not giving Thane a chance to defend himself. The Beta gestured towards the Alaskan Alpha; who was now grinning widely at the scene unfolding before him.

"Thane," I uttered quietly, my tone deadly. "Just how many people knew before me?"

"Emily," the thick Scottish drawl of Allister's voice drew my gaze to him before Thane could speak. His stare was heavy, but I didn't look away. The male chuckled.

"I did nae need anyone t'tell me. Ye are evidence all by yerself."

The anger that had been simmering within me cooled slightly, but I tensed at his ambiguous words.

"What do you mean?" I asked with hesitance.

"Ye spar with Alpha's, ye reprimand them without fear. Ye meet ma eyes as if you do nae fear a challenge. Ye are an Alpha wolf without doubt." He grinned.

Oh.

My posture relaxed, and I dared to glance over at Thane sheepishly. Perhaps I had been too quick in my anger.

"Nae t'mention he was infatuated with ye," Allister added, nodding towards Thane, who rolled his eyes in response.

I heard sniggers from beside me and by the doorway. The pack was certainly enjoying this.

"I wasn't infatuated," Thane drawled, speaking up for the first time. Still, he shot the Alaskan Alpha a sharp glare, as if to say 'shut up'.

"I was at the Alpha meetings, boyo. I saw ye trailing after 'er like a pup, saw ye staring at 'er every second of the three days."

Sandra howled beside me. Her laughter encouragement enough for the others to follow suit.

Thane was scowling at his friend, then at his packmates.

"You're delusional," he brushed off. There was a smile tugging at his own lips though.

"You should have seen him this past month," Adriel continued the teasing. "He wouldn't leave her alone."

"Aye, I can believe that." The Alaskan Alpha grinned.

___

"You honestly never thought you'd have a mate? Not even a secondary bond with someone?" Sandra asked me when were alone later that evening.

Thane and Alpha Allister had disappeared shortly after breakfast. Today marked the anniversary of his parents death. I wasn't sure how they chose to honour his parents but the two of them had stalked out into the trees and hadn't been seen since. It was growing dark now and I was growing worried that they would not return at all tonight.

"No," I sighed, picking at the threads of the blanket sprawled across my lap.

Sandra and I had settled in her bedroom, both sat on her bed, buried in the copious amount of decorative cushions she had. I still couldn't understand the sheer amount of belongings that littered her room. My room seemed so bare in comparison.

"So you thought you'd be alone forever? Did you not ever think about living with the humans, finding companionship that way?"

"Whether I shift or not, I am a wolf. I was raised this way and any other life would seem unnatural. Besides, the implication that I need companionship is insulting. I am more than enough, I don't feel incomplete without a partner. And I'm not alone, I have you and Nero don't I?"

"I'd sincerely like to hope Nero and I are strictly platonic companionship for you."

I waved off her comment, explaining, "The point is I didn't need a relationship. This thing with Thane just... happened. I was hardly seeking it out."

"It definitely didn't just 'happen'," Sandra argued, using air quotes. "Honestly I'm surprised he lasted this long. I know how powerful the bond can be."

"It wasn't the mate bond that drew me to him, you know?" I said, perhaps a little too fiercely.

Sandra nodded, her short glossy hair dancing across her shoulders as she did, and murmured, "It's okay if it was though."

"It's important to me that it wasn't." I couldn't explain why exactly it was important, I wasn't quite sure myself. Perhaps I hated the lack of agency the bond seemed to suggest. I had chosen this path with Thane. I hadn't been forced into it because of some deep rooted bond connecting us. And... and perhaps I needed to know Thane chose me too.

"You never felt the mating bond? Not even once?"

"No, not when I met him in Idaho. I mean, I'm attracted to him, I enjoy spending time with him, I ..." my voiced dropped quieter, "I think about him all the time. But that isn't the mating bond, that's just... how I feel about him."

"'Just lust' my ass," Sandra scoffed, throwing my words from a few days ago back in my face. Yes, she had certainly been right about that. My relationship with Thane was far more than just lust. But at the time that prospect had seemed so unbelievably frightening. "The bond only pulls your attention. It makes any feelings of attraction... all consuming, yes... but it doesn't affect your emotional feelings towards one another. It doesn't force you to fall for one another. You don't have to be with your mate."

It was my turn to scoff, asking incredulously, "How many rejections have you heard of in the past fifty years?"

She rolled her eyes and threw a small cushion my way, the padded fabric hitting my face.

"That's not because the bond takes away your free will or your right to choose. It just connects you to the one you're most compatible with. That doesn't mean you'll be this perfect pairing where nothing ever goes wrong, you still have to build a relationship, you'll still make mistakes, you still have to put the work in."

"All my life, it seemed that everyone else was more obsessed with my inability to shift than I was, and when I grew older that obsession shifted towards the idea of my mate - or my lack of one. As my peers all found their mates and settled into theirs lives together, I knew they pitied me, pitied me for not having the same life they had. I resented it. And I resented them. It was insulting, the idea that their lives were better than mine, that my life was incomplete because I lacked a mate. It made me feel abnormal, more so than I already did. That's one of the reasons why I was so desperate to come here," I confessed.

"It's almost cultish isn't it?" Sandra mused. "The way some pack wolves are so obsessed with this idea of being in a relationship, as if the idea of being alone is so ludicrous. Even those of them that lose their mate are so desperate to form a secondary bond. And anyone that doesn't follow that is seen as odd. You know that's why we're here? To escape that mindset, to explore what it's like to be alone together, to be able to breathe free from those suffocating views.

"It's understandable that you feel the way you do about mate bonds. But now that you and Harris have found each other, don't let that same resentment of a bond hold you back. Don't fixate on it. If you don't want to focus on the bond you don't have to, especially if you don't feel the bond, all that matters is you want to be with him and he wants to be with you."

"Thank you," I murmured. "I'm glad I came here. I... I feel like I belong - and not just because of Thane. Because of all of you, because of how this pack differs from the rest."

"I'm glad you came here too." Sandra reach out and grabbed my hand, offering it a supportive squeeze. "Now, tell me about the sex. It's amazing right? The sex I had with my mate was easily the best I'd ever had. Don't get me wrong, when Harris and I were together it was fantastic, he was certainly a giving lover, but it was never anything more than that. But the sex with my mate... truly mind blowing, am I right?" She grinned, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

"Sandra," I groaned, throwing my head back as I fought the fierce blush quickly scorching my face.

"Sorry," she laughed. "Is it too weird talking about this, knowing I slept with him? Gods, you don't hate me for that do you?"

"No, no, of course not. What happened between you two has nothing to do with me. Just because... Just because we're mates it doesn't suddenly entitle me to be angry with you."

"Okay, good. So then... about the sex, tell me everything." She demanded, only to gasp suddenly, eyes growing wide. "Oh shit, wait, is it going to be awkward between you and the Idaho Alpha when you see each other in a couple of days, now that you and Harris are together?"

"I'm seeing Jack in a couple of days?" I frowned. What was she talking about?"

"The mating rotations," she stated simply, as if it were obvious. "They're held in Idaho this year right? Harris usually sends a couple of enforcers to escort the trainee's to the hosting pack but he said he'd go this year so you could see your family again. Has he not told you yet?"

My heart swelled at just how thoughtful Thane was. This wasn't the first time he had thought of me like this. He had invited me to Nevada with him after all - all so I could see Jack again.

And... and he had known. He had known back then that we were mates, and still he gave me the chance to reunite with the male I had held feelings for.

I had witnessed countless times the extent of a wolf's possessiveness and jealousy around other wolves who bore no threat. Yet Thane had gone so far to provide me the opportunity to re-unite with the male I loved, a true rival for my affections. Thane knew I had hated Jack's protective and controlling tendencies - and he had allowed me true freedom despite his own desires.

But Jack...

Fuck. I was going to see Jack again, after the tension of our parting in Nevada, with another Alpha that now held my affections.

This couldn't go well.