Allodynia: A condition that causes pain due to a stimulus that does not normally provoke pain.

-----------------------------------------------

Jessica Lennox is a girl having a rare condition which is known as Allodynia. She always has to stay on her toes. It isn't easy to live with this condition.

- - -

Chase Hendrix is the mysterious guy in Jessica's high school. He never talks with anyone. He is the type of guy that you should rather stay away from.

* * *

But what happens when fate puts these two together?

What if Jessica's condition decides to make Chase an exception?

What happens when Jessica is told that they might actually have to save the world!

What happens when Jessica gets to know that the future of the entire world lies in their hands!

I really do like the photo used for the cover. However, it doesn't really have anything to do with your story at all except for the fact that there is a girl. If you don't have an indication on your cover to what your story is about, it's going to attract the wrong audience for your book. Then, your readers won't stay because they'd get a different impression to what your book is about from your cover rather than its contents. There are a lot of extremely talented cover artists on Wattpad that can design your cover for free and still make it relevant to your story if you take the time to describe what you want to them.

The title is perfect for your story, considering that Allodynia is a disease your main character suffers with. It doesn't give off a wrong impression of your story, and it made total sense when I read your first chapter. A perfect ten out of ten.

Your blurb has to be something significant to the reader that will hook them in and want to read more. Furthermore, your blurb should make them interested with only a few sentences. You did a nice job at keeping your blurb considerably short, but there are a lot of details that can be left out or played up. Here is my take on your story: "Nobody can touch Jessica Lennox. Nobody can hold her hand without igniting her nerves on fire. Nobody can hug her without her rare skin condition getting in the way. Nobody except for Chase Hendrix." It may not be the best blurb, but it's short, simple, and describes your story in a few sentences. It only has the important details relevant to the plot. The rest should stay hidden for your readers to discover through your story. And don't be afraid to use sensory detail and imagery to make the reader feel the pain that Jessica feels (like "igniting her nerves on fire"). This will make them want to click on your story.

I like how you got the reader engaged and alarmed from the very first sentence. You've made it clear that Jessica is in a lot of pain, and that something very bad just happened. You threw me straight into the story, which I enjoyed a lot. One thing I have to say though is that you've stretched the beginning of your story out to almost the entire chapter. It might get boring for readers to have to scroll through Emelia apologizing ten times and Jessica saying "it's okay" twenty times. Try to keep their interaction more brief than that. Along with that, your hook could be more interesting. Try to play around with your diction to attract and interest new and potential readers. What are some descriptive words you can use to describe the alarm and pain Jessica feels? What are their surroundings?

For the most part, you are doing a great job at where you place your commas, which is a common mistake for a lot of people. I was impressed with your knowledge in that area. However, you do struggle with forming complete sentences. You often stop in the middle of the sentence with a period and finish it as a new sentence. I've pointed out a few examples in the review for your first chapter, but make sure to go through all your chapters to correct these mistakes. I've also noticed that your story is set in present tense, but sometimes you slip up and write in past tense.

Good job with spelling errors! There were none as far as I could see. However, just in case, I suggest using ProWritingAid or any other site that offers suggestions for spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, and or/diction choices. Not only will this help you improve as a writer, but it will extend your knowledge of vocabulary and experimenting with sentence structures. And of course, it will spot and point out anything you haven't noticed before you upload it online.

Your plot is unique and different compared to many stories I've seen on Wattpad. I have seen a few movies and read a few books that had a plot similar to this, with a girl with a rare condition and a love interest who breaks past their condition barriers, but I can see that you've put a lot of thought in thinking up this story. It's also very mysterious and leaves me thinking as to why Chase can touch her when no one else can.

Reading how your characters react and speak with one another is very strained and awkward. A problem is that you write very formally, like saying "I am okay" instead of "I'm okay" which makes it seem like your characters are strangers with one another. Try to get more used to writing less formally and making your characters more relaxed and comfortable with one another. Along with that, I wasn't really able to catch a distinct voice for each of your characters. I didn't get a feel for what Jessica's personality was, or Emilia either. This is because you wrote this chapter without incorporating your emotions into it. Your characters are all part of you, and their personalities are essentially a branch from your personality. However, I have no idea how they feel things because you wrote in a very distant way. You wrote "she was hurting" instead of saying "pain skyrocketed up to her head." Can you see how the latter can have more of an impact on your reader and make them feel more connected to Jessica?

It also seems like you're struggling with your writing style. Your writing looks very rigid and formal, which makes it hard for the reader to feel at ease. Don't be afraid to experiment with using new vocabulary, or finding stronger diction for certain scenes. I suggest that you read other stories and find what you like about the author. How does his/her writing appeal to you? What would you like your writing to look like? You can find how the writer uses figurative language, and how often. Many writers on Wattpad who might have numerous readers tend to pay attention to their writing voice and do their best to immerse their readers into their world.

I can see that when writing your chapter, you were struggling with moving the scene along. You spent too much time having Emilia and Jessica talking to each other, and most of the things they've said were repeated several times or insignificant to the plot. This can be edited out. Instead, try to focus on making your transitions more smooth and long and short in the right parts. I have more suggestions on where in your chapter the story flow could be improved, and I'll include them in the review for your chapter.

"'Do not touch me!'" (paragraph 1). In real life, most people do not talk to each other as formally as Jessica did in that sentence—especially if they're conversing with their best friend. Unless this is the way Jessica always talks in your story, I suggest changing this to: "Don't touch me!"

"'Oh god! I am so sorry Jess.' Emilia apologizes and quickly pulls her hand back, releasing her friend's wrist." (paragraph 2). When you are writing dialogue, it should always end in a comma if there is a dialogue tag afterwards (such as "she/he said" or in this case, "Emilia apologizes"). Since you are describing what Emilia is apologizing for, "Emilia apologizes" is still part of the dialogue sentence. Along with that, friends usually talk to each other in a very casual, non-formal way. Try to convert phrases such as "I am" and "Do not" to "I'm" and "Don't." Correction: "'Oh god! I'm so sorry, Jess,' Emilia apologizes and quickly pulls her hand back, releasing her friend's wrist." Also, did you notice the comma that I added in there?

"She feels as though a hundred needles are being inserted into her arm at the point of contact." (paragraph 3). I really enjoy the description you've used here. However, it sounds a little clinical and detached. What words and adjectives can you use to really get your readers involved with your story? For example, replacing the word "inserted" with "jabbed" or "stabbed" will have more of an effect on your readers and make your descriptions more vivid.

"Jessica thought of all her other mishaps." (paragraph 4). So it looks like your story is being written in present tense. However, you do slip-up at times and write in past tense. Correction: "Jessica thinks of all her other mishaps."

"This one is just much more painful." (paragraph 4). So we have established that Jessica is in pain. But how is she in pain? Is she crying, or gritting her teeth to hold back her tears? Don't be afraid to experiment with different diction choices and sensory detail/imagery to capture your readers in the heat of the moment. Like I always say, writing a story is like writing a song. You should always be thinking about the best way to structure your sentences, and how to make your descriptions the most vivid, interesting, and beautiful they can be. By using this technique, you can even make the most boring things interesting.

Most of your sentences in paragraph five were describing the same way in different things. Saying things such as "She had forgotten her best friend has a rare condition" and "momentarily forgotten that Jessica has Allodynia" is the same thing. Try to shorten the sentences you use in paragraph five so you explain what's going on without repeating the same thing. Along with that, how is it that Jessica's best friend had forgotten about her rare condition? Even if she was in a hurry to get to class, many of your readers might not find that excuse plausible/reasonable. To better engage and get your readers interested, try using a different situation that might have been dramatic enough for Emilia to momentarily forget that she can't touch Jessica. Maybe something happened at home, or she witnessed something at school.

In paragraph six, I like how you explained to the readers what Allodynia is. However, you explained it in a very clinical way; as a doctor would explain to a patient. Your readers might sympathize more with Jessica and get more emotionally involved with your story if you instead described Allodynia by using a past experience or painful memory Jessica went through. Use Jessica's head to make your readers feel something. How is Jessica thinking about her rare condition?

"Jessica mutters, her eyes still close." (paragraph 7). This sentence is inaccurate. Correction: "Jessica mutters, her eyes still closed."

Make sure that when using numbers in your story, you should write them out. Instead of writing "17," write "seventeen." If you don't write it out, it will look lazy and unprofessional to your readers. You can apply this suggestion to paragraph 8.

"She has mercury red hair, which tumbles over her shoulders and her face is splattered with chocolate-colored freckles." (paragraph 9). I love this description! It really paints a visual in my head about what Emilia looks like. It does look like you only save descriptive sentences and figurative detail to certain aspects of the story, such as describing an important character, but it's important to pay the same amount of detail to the rest of your story. You don't want only one part of your chapter to be engaging to your readers; you have to keep them hooked all the way till the end.

"Her eyes flickering over the skin where she had touched." (paragraph 10). This is an incomplete sentence. Unless you plan to make it part of the sentence before that, a correction would be: "Her eyes flicker over the skin where she'd touched." Also, take note about how I've combined "she had" into "she'd." You don't have to keep your writing rigidly formal and without slang words or casual language all the time. In fact, most of your readers might prefer casual language to a formal one. Along with that, what does Jessica's skin look like when touched? Your readers might be curious as to whether the skin is red and blistered when touched, or looks perfectly fine on the outside.

"I am okay, Em," (paragraph 11). Again, this sentence sounds strained and awkward. It looks like you're trying to establish a relationship between the two girls with nicknames, but the formal sentences and words make it sound like they're strangers. A better alternative would be: "I'm okay, Em." This happens frequently throughout your story, so make sure to go back and adjust these according to the situation.

"In kindergarten when no one dared talk to Jessica." (paragraph 13). This is not a complete sentence. It should be combined with the sentence after that. Correction: "In kindergarten, when no one dared talk to Jessica, it was Emilia who played with her when no one had." Also notice the comma that I've added in there.

"I am really sorry jess," (paragraph 14). Again, the formal language can be made more casual here. Along with that, "jess" is the name (nickname) of a person, and therefore should be capitalized. Correction: "I'm really sorry, Jess." Also, did you see how I've added a comma in the sentence?

"Her eyes glassy and her voice breaking." (paragraph 14). I love the description and choice of diction you've used here. However, this is an incomplete sentence. There isn't an action verb to complete the sentence. In every sentence there should be a subject doing something. Here, you are saying that her glassy eyes and voice breaking is... doing nothing. Because you didn't complete the sentence. Instead, replace the period with a comma and combine it with the next sentence.

"Jessica despises causing discomfort to others." (paragraph 16). In writing a story, a very important thing to remember is to show, not tell. Don't say that Jessica hates causing discomfort to others. Show how she hates making others uncomfortable. You can use a flashback or a memory to describe this.

"'Let's get to class. If we hurry, we can still make it on time.' Emilia says..." (paragraph 17). The words "Emilia says" is not a sentence by itself. It is part of the dialogue sentence, which means the dialogue should end with a comma, not a period. Correction: "'Let's get to class. If we hurry, we can still make it on time,' Emilia says..." Do you see how this is supposed to be one big sentence?

The same thing happens in paragraph 18. Check the dialogue. Do you see where the period should be replaced with a comma?

"'Is it paining too much?'" (paragraph 19). "Paining" is not a word. Instead, you should replace it with something like "hurting."

"'Okay, bye.'" (paragraph 24). Up until this point, pretty much half your chapter has been about Jessica's arm hurting and Emilia asking if it hurts and apologizing. You are making your characters essentially repeat the same thing over and over again. Trust me, your readers will remember what your characters say, and they often do not need a reminder twice in the same chapter. I know this is only the first chapter, but there should be more action, or you should speed your transitions along. If you stretch out Jessica and Emilia's encounter too long, your readers will get bored waiting for something to happen. Along with that, mundane conversation and pleasantries such as "hello, how are you?" and "goodbye, see you later" is extremely boring to the reader and not beneficial to the plot at all. You don't have to write every single part of their conversation. Instead, you can say, "They managed to say bye to each other before they..."

In paragraph 25, you use a number. Just a reminder: Write out the number "233" as "two-hundred-twenty-three."

"Jessica is standing near the front gate of her school." (paragraph 28). You are using passive voice here. To have a better impact to your reader, try to describe the action directly by saying "she stands" instead of "she is standing."

"Kids are playing in the playground." (paragraph 28). The same thing applies to here. Try saying the kids "play" in the playground instead of saying the kids "are playing" in the playground. Along with that, we all know what a playground is for. It's very obvious that kids would be playing in the playground. You should add more description to this by saying what they are playing specifically. Are they on the swings, or playing tag together? If you decide not to provide more context to this, then this sentence can be removed completely as it does not add to the plot or scene in any way.

"She checks the road for any car and once she is sure that there are none, she crosses the road." (paragraph 36). Again, this sentence is insignificant. It can easily be replaced with "she crosses the empty road."

"Jessica wonders, how on earth is this even possible?" (paragraph 49). If Jessica is having a thought, you can just italicize it so your readers won't be confused. "Jessica wonders, how on earth is this even possible?"

I love the plot twist and cliffhanger in your first chapter! It was definitely unexpected, and unique to all the other stories on Wattpad. I can sense that there can be improvement with experimenting with your diction and emotions in this story, but it's coming together very nicely!