i first knew i was in love with you

when we were laying in my bed

and my fairy lights were twinkling

over us, and i was resting my head

on your chest and you were tracing circles

across my back with your fingers,

and you were explaining to me the origins

of kissing.

"it was actually a feeding mechanism," you said,

and then you laughed, and i knew i was in love with you

right then, at that moment, but it was too early to tell you.

still too early to tell myself, even. but that was when i knew.

because when you laughed, the gears in my heart slowed

and suddenly began cranking back in the right direction.

i spent a lot of time kissing you instead of saying it.

when i felt the words pressing against the back of my teeth

i would distract myself with your mouth.

and i think i was afraid, not because i didn't think you would

say it back, but because this time i wanted it to be right.

every time before i've dived headfirst into their chests,

wrapped my fingers around their hearts too quickly, too roughly.

i would spit out that i loved them so they would have some sort

of anchor to me, some sort of tie, some sort of seed that would

maybe sprout into something requited.

but with you, i held it in. stapled my lips shut with my own hands

in an effort to get this time right, to make this time work.

i would not try and make us grow before we had put the roots down

deep enough. i would not try and make us bloom before it was time.

it was when we were skin on mouths on tongues on hands

that i told you. at the peak of everything unspoken,

i broke the silence, and i can still remember the exact words

i said: "i love you, and you may not be sure yet, but i am, so,"

and when you said it back, just seconds later, it was like i didn't even

need to feel worried in the first place. of course you do. of course.

but i like to think it was because i let us blossom on our own.

darling, you are the one thing in my life

i want so desperately to just make it.

i want us, through everything.

you and everything, everything and you.

not need, no. i would survive,

but you are something

i don't feel selfish for wanting so badly.

you are something that doesn't make

me feel bad for being so greedy.

-c.h.