ELIAS

I keep my eyes on Rich.

It kills me to see him like this. His body is so small that his clothes are gigantic on him. His face looks so thin, I can see every bone.

What did they do to him? This isn't rehab.

This is torture.

And when he looks at me, it makes me feel guilty all over again.

But then he gives me a smile. And it gives me hope. That maybe, maybe, after this was all over, things could go back to the way it was. When we were happy.

Ever since the accident...

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to stand at least a foot away from the glass, please," a guard tells me as he gently pulls me away from the glass.

I look down the hall, registering that Lu is leaving.

It made me feel bad when I asked her to drive me to the jailhouse, but then again, her job was to make my life easier, and this did.

"Can I see him?" I ask the guard as he starts to walk away. I turn to him as he looks at Rich.

"Soon. If you want to sit down in the waiting area, we can-"

"No, I'll wait right here."

He nods, walking away.

I turn back to the glass.

It takes a few minutes before they let me talk to him. I am led to a room like the one he was in before, except it's not just him and I. I engulf him into a hug as soon as I walk into the room.

"How are you?" He asks me, trying it seems to swallow. He is parched. I hand him some water that was on the table.

"How am I? How are you, bro? You look awful," I tease, patting his flat stomach, holding back a flinch when I feel his ribs.

He smiles. "You don't look too attractive yourself, you know. Who was that?"

"Huh?" I ask, leaving my arm around his shoulder.

"The girl?"

"Oh, that's Lu. She works for me. The new secretary."

"Ohhhh," he replies, giving me a sly smile. "She's cute. Is she like the other secretaries? The ones you've dated?"

I roll my eyes. "You know I haven't done that since before Dad died. And yeah sure, she's cute, but she's new. So..."

"So? Date her now before she finds out what a complete doofus you are and then dumps you. The earlier you date em, the longer you have before they find out all the details."

I roll my eyes. "Jail hasn't changed you, huh?"

He laughs. "Just physically."

I grimace. "Yeah, I can tell. Are you eating?" I ask, feeling his thin arms.

He pulls away. "Yeah. I'm eating. Although with all the medication they are giving me, I basically just puke it up every night. I can't keep anything down."

I look at the guard who is keeping an eye on us.

"Did you ask if you could change your medication?" I ask.

"Yes," he says, sighing. "They won't do it. It doesn't matter. I'm in jail, so I might as well look like I am."

"Everyone looks like this?"

He laughs. "No. But most of us do."

I bit the inside of my cheek. "How long did they say?"

He gives me a look. "It's only been a year since you've seen me. And it's only gotten one year less since then. It's 14 now."

I let out a frustrated grunt. "I know... I just! No less time for good behavior?"

He shakes his head.

"When are they transferring you?" I ask.

The door opens before he can answer.

"Right now," the guard says, crossing his hands in front of him.

I turn to my brother. He lets me hug him again although I know he doesn't really want me to. But I miss him way more than he misses me.

"See you next year," he says, and it's been his annual saying for the past two years.

"I'll be here," I mutter in a low voice.

He leaves quickly, the guard escorting him forcefully. I know better than to say anything about that, but I can't help but fume at the idea of my kid brother being manhandled.

It's been two years since he went to jail. He was only eighteen.

It's been a long two years.

I decide to walk home, knowing it hasn't been that long since Lu left. I don't want her to hurry back here just to give me a ride.

I still thought it was amusing that she looked me up.

The sky grows dark above me, and I know it's about to rain soon, so I start jogging toward my house. I make it a little under half an hour. I shut the door behind me and wring out my hair on the carpet. I walk into my kitchen and flip on the lights.

I swallow, walking through my puddles of water I am leaving from my soaked clothes, and open the fridge. I grab the milk, and down about half of it.

After I put it back, I walk into my bathroom and hop in the shower to get warm. I don't want to leave, but I fell asleep dragging me down, and I know I need to sleep. So I get out after a few minutes and get dressed.

Then I crawl into bed with the lights off and lay my head on the pillow.

As tired as I am, sleep doesn't come for a while. My mind is alive with thoughts of Rich and him in jail.

I don't know what time it was when sleep claimed me, but it was a relief to sleep.

LUCY

I never received a call from my boss, so I figured he got home safely. After I went to pick up my Mother, it was an early night. I didn't even bother eating dinner, just laid in my bed until eventually my eyelids couldn't stay open.

The next morning Mom was still in bed, so I fend for myself and make some eggs. It feels like I am back at my old house, alone, making myself breakfast, but then I would look around and know that I am back here.

I am not sure if I really missed this place. As much as I love my Mom and being here with her, everywhere I look I see his face.

And the blood splatters that came with it.

You would have thought that after a relationship with that man, I would have sworn off any relationship whatsoever.

But then I would look at my Mom. And her love for my dad. She never gave up on him, even when he was beating her. She always loved him, always wanted the best for him.

And I wanted that. I craved what she had for my father.

I thought I had that. Turns out I was just fooling myself.

My thoughts go to Jeanie. I'm not sure where she's at right now, but I sincerely hope she's healing. Physically and mentally. I heard she got shot, and after that moment of realization, I quit my job. Moved out of my house. I quit my life.

Guilt had been eating at me for months. I couldn't quite allow myself back into the world, knowing I hurt so much of Jeanie's.

She was my best friend. I missed her so much when she left me. I couldn't quite grasp that I was away from her for so long.

But I know that I wrecked our friendship. I became what I had always hated.

A bully.

I knew I had been. I was so angry at my father for hurting me, I wanted people to feel my hurt. But all I did was cause pain. All I did was turn into my own father.

That hurt the most. My actions, my words, hurt my only friend. I literally had her shot and her relationship with Travis thrown away from her.

No wonder she won't return my calls.

I tried to get in contact with her. I wanted to apologize. But every time the phone went to dial tone, I hung up. I wasn't sure if I was too guilty or not, but I knew that I should tell her in person. I was always good at hiding behind my own words, and I knew she wouldn't believe me unless she saw my face.

I have always been good at revealing my true feelings on my face. That is something Jeanie and I share in common.

I glance at the clock and realize I have to get to work.

The drive there takes a little longer than usual, but luckily I am not late. I walk in, a little drenched because of the rain outside, but I am still early.

My boss, I'm not sure if I am to call him Jude or Elias in my head, because "boss" sounds a little too weird for me, isn't in his office today.

"Hey, Elaine, where's... sir? The boss man?"

"Late!" A voice shouts behind me.

I turn around and see my drenched boss, wet hair sticking to his forehead, briefcase shiner than usual, come out of the elevator. He walks past us, a few puddles being left on the ground in his wake.

Elaine and I dry up the floor with some paper towels as he sets down his stuff in his office.

He walks back into the room as I am standing up, and I try not to look at his wet white shirt sticking to his chest. I avoid looking at him altogether, pretending to be busy with the floor, even though I know it is barely wet anymore.

"Everyone! I have an announcement to make!" He shouts across the room, sounding a lot more chipper than what I had experienced the past two days I was here.

Alright, I guess now it's okay to look at him...

I smile to myself as I stand up fully, holding the bundle of wet paper towels in my hand as I meet his eye. He gives me a smile and I find myself returning it.

"I am giving you all the rest of the day off! I have some work to get done, and it would be done faster if I closed the building for today, gave you all some time off. So, go, enjoy the rest of your day, and try not to get soaked." He gives us all a grin, and walks right back into his office.

I turn to Elaine, who just grins. It looks like she has some plans for the rest of her day she is excited for.

"I haven't had a day off here in a long time. I'm excited," Elaine murmurs to me as she walks past me to the elevator. It is packed full of employees, so I decide to take the next one down.

Since I didn't get the chance to put any of my things away before I started working, all I have to do is grab my purse and coat and wait for the next elevator ride.

"Ah, you're still here!"

I turn around and see the boss standing right behind me, I almost bump into him.

"Yes?"

He nods to his office, and I follow him on through. When I shut the doors, I turn to face him but find he's already in his chair.

I make eye contact only since his shirt is still wet.

"Did you need something?" I ask him, walking forward a little.

"Yes." He nods, cupping his chin. "About yesterday... I just wanted to be sure that you wouldn't say anything to anyone about my brother. I'd like the public not to find out about it, if at all possible."

When his eyes meet mine, his expression changes from the cheerful one I saw a few moments ago, to one where I feel as if I can feel his pain, I have already begun to nod.

"Of course. I won't say anything. I promise."

I saw a ghost of a smile, but then it vanished. He nods, then shuts me out of the office. I hurry as I walk across the room in my heels, shut the door, then make my way to the elevator.

I'm not sure what I am going to be doing with myself for the rest of the day.

The elevator doors open, and I walk straight to my car. Mom is off work today as well, so maybe we could go somewhere together.

A thought poked at me.

Jeanie.

I avoided it all week. Even after the many phone messages I left her, I had hoped to avoid talking to her in person. But I knew I had to do it.

It had always been hard to admit to myself or others when I had done wrong. It seemed I had more of my father in me than I would have liked.

But I had to do it. I had to talk to her.

Today.

When I arrive home, Mom is up and looks very surprised to see me. I tell her of the sudden announcement made by my boss to give everyone the rest of the day off.

She says she has some errands to run and is just about to go out.

"You can come, Lucy, if you want," Mom offers as she practically runs out the door.

I laugh. "No thanks, mom. I have something I need to do."

She smiles and leaves the house.

I get into some more comfortable clothes, wash my face free of all makeup, and throw on some loafers. Then I head out into the rain and into my car. I'm not too soaked as I start up the engine.

Jeanie's house is about half an hour away. I had lived very close to her when Travis and I were together, but since I moved after the whole thing, I almost forgot how much distance there was between us.

Literally and figuratively.

I stopped for some early lunch on the way because I felt famished, but I honestly think it was because I am nervous. I know Jeanie won't take lightly that I am going to show up to her house uninvited, but not to mention she is probably harboring some unkind feelings toward me and I don't blame her.

I deserve them all.

She got shot because of me.

My insides start to tremble as I eat my burrito from Taco Bell.

I get back on the road and almost drive too slow on purpose. I really am a coward.

But I arrive. I park my car, slowly get out, and lock up. I feel empty-handed as I walk up to her door. I feel as if I should be bringing something.

Too late.

I hesitate when I reach the front door. But I push past my fears and knock.

I hear some footsteps, and I feel the panic wash over me.

The door opens.

Jeanie's mom.

I almost breathe a sigh of relief when I see her face. It isn't a good face to see because she no doubt knows what I have done, but at least it held off me talking to Jeanie.

"Lucy," she comments quietly. "What are you doing here, dear?"

I swallow the knob in my throat. "I'm here to see Jeanie. Is she home?"

She nods. "Yeah, she's in the kitchen. Come along." She invites me in, and I close the door behind me. I take off my shoes, leaving them in the foyer.

This had been Jeanie and Travis' house.

I hug myself as I follow Jeanie's mom.

As close as I had been with Jeanie, I didn't know her family really. She never liked to talk about her dad or her stepdad. And as much as she loved her mom, she rarely talked about her either.

Everything was always done at my house when we were kids.

I walk into the kitchen, and I see Jeanie immediately. Her blonde hair was falling over her face as she cut into a carrot. She wipes her forehead, then sees me.

She had a smile on, but one look at me made that disappear. She remains expressionless now, which is surprising. I would have been angry if I was in her position.

But Jeanie doesn't get angry. It isn't in her too. She's always been a kind soul.

"Hi," I say, glancing at her mom then back at her.

She swallows, setting down the knife she was using on the counter. She looks to her mother. Her mom smiles.

Jeanie lets out a trembling breath. "What are you doing here?" she asks, her voice quiet.

"I-" I cut myself off, feeling the knot in my stomach forming. "I came to talk to you."

She gives me a look. "Why?"

I shrug. "I came to apologize."

Her eyes meet mine and I see her tears.

She lets out a laugh, and I think that is worse than anything. It would have been better to hear her groan, or hear her get angry, but I knew this laugh. I grew up with it.

She's... sad. It's a sorrowful laugh, and it hurts to hear it.

You have to know how sorry I am, Jeanie.

"Yeah, well, it wouldn't really make a difference if you did or not," she states, going back to cutting her carrots.

Jeanie's mom left the room.

I walk over to the island Jeanie was working on, and stay on the other side right in front of her. She doesn't have to look at me or say anything, but I have to say something.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, "you have no idea how sorry I am." my voice breaks. "It's all my fault. I took him from you, and I'm sorry. I was so blinded by what I wanted, I didn't realize I was hurting you in the process."

Jeanie grips the knife so hard her knuckles turn white.

"And..." I sniff. "You got shot."

She looks at me, her eyes red and puffy.

"I'm the one to blame for that. If I hadn't-"

I can't do it.

There are so many ways this could go. I could give excuses for myself, which is what I have been doing for so long, or I could fully own up to them.

But my pride stops me.

"I know you don't get mad, but I know you are now. And I'm sorry. I don't expect you to forgive me, I wouldn't. But thank you. For letting me talk. And I hope you find him."

I turn away from her and leave the house, almost running.

I get into my car and slam the door shut. I lean back into my seat and feel a waterfall of tears fall down my cheeks. I try to hold them back, but my chest hurts too much to do so, so I just let it all go. All the tears I had been holding, bunched up inside me.

They all came out.

Every last one.

I wasn't a big crier. I cried passionately though when I did.

Even though I said what I wanted to say, I didn't feel any less of a weight.

Maybe there is no relief in this.