JEANIE

Dear Travis,

I never liked those who pretend to love someone. When I think of that, I always used to think of my dad. How he left us even though he told us he loved us.

But now all I think about is you. The way you always told me you loved me, the way you chased me to love you during those three years of me trying to run from you.

Then I think of that time you asked if I knew that you loved me. And then I told you that I knew you loved me and asked why.

And you told me you just wanted me to know.

Know what, Travis? That even after you would leave that you still would love me?

That I would still hold onto the hope of you loving me?

How long after that did you realize you would leave me? Did your love change in that short amount of time?

Mine didn't. It still hasn't.

But I'm getting carried away. I just thought I would write to you to say that my life with my step dad hasn't gotten any easier.

He keeps making slights at you. My mom even called you a jerk.

And I agree with both of them. But something inside me wants to fight back for what they say about you. Because that isn't the kind of man I fell in love with. The one to walk out on relationships.

You once told me that you would never leave me like my dad did.

Are you regretting those words now?

Because that has to be the biggest lie I have ever believed in my life.

I hate you because of that. I also hate myself because I believed it. I believed that you were different.

But even after those seven months of bliss, having you as my husband, of you holding me, and those kisses we shared, Isn't enough for you.

And I know my stepdad would say that of course, I'm not enough, because I'm not worth enough for anyone, but it still hurts.

But it hurt most coming from you.

Knowing that you didn't love me.

Even after all those promises and pledges and apologies, I wasn't worth enough for you to stay.

And I'm more sorry for you than for myself.

I don't know why but I am.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hated that you pretended. You must have been with me, every second horrible for you. And how after seven months you just couldn't stand me anymore.

Or at least that's what I tell myself. It helps me feel better about myself and about how horrible you were to me.

But the thing is, you weren't. You were everything a husband should have been.

It's just... you're not here now to keep that going.

And then I think about how I must have done something to drive you away. Maybe you just saw how broken I am and realize I couldn't be fixed.

Or maybe you tire of my horrible habits that I've been trying so hard to break.

Whatever it is, whatever it is, it's too late I suppose.

You're gone now.

And if you ever came back, I don't think I would ever let you back into my life.

Like I said, I hate people who pretend to love others.

Jeanie

I press the snooze button for the fifth time before attempting to try to get out of bed. It is Saturday and since I don't have work, I want to sleep in.

Well, my alarm clock won't let me since I know that I have to get up anyway.

To my remorse, my cousins from out of state decided to visit me. They were two sisters who I grew up loving.

To this day, I still love them, but they always seem to bring out the worst in me. They tend to drive me insane.

Which, to that, they would toast and cheer.

Since I think it must be their goal in life.

They are twins, who never go anywhere without each other, and live just two doors down from each other in a hotel.

Since they are the only cousins I ever had, they were like my sisters. I haven't seen them since the last family reunion which had to be a few years ago.

When I had Travis.

I scowl at my breakfast which I just put in front of me. They told me they will be here around four so I don't have a lot of time to get my house ready for them.

After breakfast, I decided to take out the broom and vacuum and get to work.

It only took me a few hours to get everything cleaned, so I decide to prepare some food not wanting to cook all day while they were here.

They didn't tell me how long they were staying, but knowing them, it would most likely almost be a week.

When I hear a knocking sound on my front door, I frown. I glance at my watch and see that it is only two.

I open the door and almost fall over.

"Surprise!"

Caryn and Susie grin brightly at me as they stampede into my home. Hands on their hips, they glance around, squealing.

"Aw super cute house, Cuz!" Caryn says and gives me a quick hug.

Susie gives me a hug too, with a big squeeze.

When I am able to speak, the first I say is, "You guys are early," I squeeze out the words.

They both nod, smiling, "Well, of course, we wanted to surprise you. Just because we live so far away now, doesn't mean that we forgot how much you love them."

I give them a weak smile.

Sort of. Only certain surprises since the last time I was surprised was with...

"Are you hungry?"

"Always the hostess... nah we had food on the way," Caryn says, then plops herself down on the couch. Susie follows, and soon we are all sitting next to each other.

We all sit silently as I try to figure out what to do. They already ate, and I still needed to get some of the food prepped.

"Since you guys are early, I still have to finish prepping the food. You guys wanna help?" I ask, knowing very well they would refuse.

"Um... no thanks. But we'd be happy to keep you company." Caryn says, and I smile. They both follow me into the kitchen.

Nothing has changed. They still don't like to get their hands dirty.

I finish making the pork with mac and cheese, putting that in the fridge for tomorrow. Then I finish the burgers as the girls talk while sitting at the table.

"Did you know that there is a festival going on in town, Jeanie?" Susie asks me, and Caryn jumps in.

"Oh yeah! I remember seeing those signs for it on the way up here. There's nothing usually like this in Florida. Do you have them often up here in Michigan?" she props her elbows on the table, resting her face on her hands.

"Oh yeah," I say, shutting the fridge. I turn to them, "All the time. It's our fall festival this time. We have one every season."

I take a seat at my small dining room table, sitting in between them.

"Can we go?" Susie asks.

I shrug. "I'm sure you two could go. I have to work basically every day this week, and it ends Friday."

"Which day are you off?" Susie asks.

"Monday."

"Oh, then we'll go that day," Caryn says, and I smile.

"Thanks, guys," I say. They really were like my sisters. They actually cared.

"No problem, Cuz," Susie says, pushing on my shoulder in a playful manner.

I missed them.

"Do you guys want to go out tonight for dinner or something? I wanted to leave tonight open for you, so you chose."

They both look thoughtful. They really are twins.

"Sure. Where?" Susie asks.

I shrug. "You guys pick."

"Burgers."

"Cheeseburgers."

They say in unison.

I smile, "Burger King it is," I say, and we all laugh.

"You okay with that?" Susie asks me and I nod, and we all vacate the table to go into the living room. We get out a bunch of board games and spend a few hours playing.

During that time, they had moved their stuff into the guest bedroom. And my mom and John called, wondering about the girls. I said I would bring them over for dinner one of these nights.

Then it is time for burgers.

We all pile into my car, Susie in the back seat. Then we make our way to the plaza which is only a few streets away.

Burger King is right next to the mall, and I park. We all walk side by side. There is no one in line, so we are able to order our food right away.

We sit down at a table, and once the food arrives, we dig in.

"I haven't had a burger in so long," Caryn says, chomping into hers.

Susie is busy dipping her fries, while I am taking the pickles off my sandwich.

"Disgrace," Caryn chides, taking my pickles, putting them on her sandwich.

I smile, "It's called grossness."

"Pickles are amazing."

I shudder, making it obvious.

She grins.

"How long are you guys planning on staying with me?" I ask, just remembering.

"Until you want to kick us out," Caryn replies.

I give her a look as Susie comments, "If we're doing it that way, then we'll probably be out before tonight."

I laugh, "Not quite, Susie."

Caryn just shakes her head, "Maybe less than a week. We might leave on Friday. When the festival ends."

"It'll be crowded with people leaving though," I say, and she nods.

"Then maybe Thursday," Susie suggests.

"I'm good with that," Caryn nods, agreeing, and eats one of her fries.

I dip my cheeseburger in ketchup, "Well, how about after this we go out for ice cream? I'm in a mood for it."

"Jeanie Stone, in the mood for sweets? What is the world coming to?" Caryn jokes.

I smile but feel the joy of the moment drain into nothing.

I don't miss Susie nudging Caryn in the ribs with her elbow.

"Oh- I didn't mean-" Caryn starts to say but I cut her off.

"No, it's... fine."

They are quiet after that.

I frown. I don't want this. Everyone is reading my expressions like a book. I need to learn to control them more but I knew that would be hard. It's hard not to display my emotions on my face.

Travis called me an emoji once.

Then it is a compliment. But now...

I need to somehow control that.

Or, just get over Travis. Every time I think about him I act wounded, or even when he's mentioned by someone else.

He's gone. And therefore, won't be coming back so I don't need to act like he is. I don't need to keep hoping.

"Ice cream anyone?" I ask.

They both look up at me with deep frowns.

"Guys, I'm fine," I try a convincing tone, with a bit of happiness, but it sounds as if I am talking to myself, and not them, which doesn't make it compelling to believe at all.

They are both quiet even now.

"You haven't finished your food," Susie mutters, gesturing to my plate.

I glance at it, seeing most of my fries are still there, and half of my cheeseburger. But I suddenly don't feel like eating.

"I'm not that hungry anyway" I confess, stuffing it in my plastic bag, "I'll save it for later," I place it in my purse, which I string over my shoulder.

They are both already done with their food, so it doesn't take them long to pack up and move it out.

The ice cream place is just across the street so we walk. They are both behind me, silent.

I hate how I make everyone uncomfortable to talk around me after even the slightest mention of Travis.

He's gone, Jeanie. Gone.

Yeah, well I haven't acted like he is.

We arrive at the ice cream store and I am the only one who gets a small cone. They both get larges and once the food is ordered and in our stomachs, we walk back to my car.

I start it up, and we drive back to my house.

They go straight to their rooms, leaving me as I put my extra food in the fridge.

Caryn comes out to say goodnight, followed by Susie. Then they disappear back into their room.

I am left alone in the living room.

Then I pick up a piece of paper and decide to write a letter.