JEANIE

Dear Travis,

The girls are here. They surprised me again by arriving early.

Again.

They knew how much I loved surprises.

We went out to dinner. At your favorite place too.

Then they mentioned my last name.

Your last name.

Our last name.

Or, at least it was a year ago.

I completely shut down again. And I hate it so much. Hate that you have so much power over me even though you're gone.

And sometimes I wish I could hate you.

I know you would tell me that I shouldn't hate. You always were the one with the great advice, especially after I came home after school.

You helped me through those rough few years.

You also chased me during those years.

Chased me to love you.

Chased me to accept what you wanted for me.

Chased me to accept you.

Which I ended up doing. But the thing is, you also chased me to accept myself.

Which I think is the hardest thing to do.

My stepfather made me feel like I was nothing. My own father left me. And my Mother spent her life dressing me up to be the best for someone who only wanted me for my money.

But you... you loved me as me.

For me.

That is more than I could ever do.

And as much as I want to hate you.

I could never do that.

Because you helped me. You loved me. And you actually cared.

I'm sorry if I took you for granted.

I really am. Maybe that is why you left. You felt like you weren't getting the gratitude you deserved.

Your home life isn't as spectacular as mine. And I realize now that could have been the case since you craved it most of your entire life.

To be seen for what you could do.

And growing up in a family of fourteen, and being the eldest, you never really did get your thanks you deserved.

So I'm sorry if I treated you like your parents or anyone else.

I keep trying to tell you about my life, but somehow it keeps coming back to you and the feelings I still have even after a year.

Which I should be stopping.

So to end this letter, I just wanted to end it with this:

Thanks for loving me, Trav. I never meant to take you for granted. And won't ever get a chance not to.

Maybe.

Jeanie.

The next morning, I receive a call from my Mother, saying that she wants me to bring the girls over for dinner tonight.

I told her no. Then I quickly said that I have already planned dinner, and we could do it tomorrow night.

She is upset but quickly agreed.

I told the girls when they came out of their room when I have told them breakfast was ready.

"Oh yay! I can't wait to see Aunt Anne!" Caryn exclaims.

I smile, not so very excited to have dinner with my Mother and John again, but is more excited than the girls are actually talking to me now.

Susie gets her food first and sits down at the table.

Caryn follows her lead, and soon we are all at the table, eating.

"What's the plan for today?" They ask.

"There is a sale at the mall today. I thought we might go shopping," I say, giving them both a sly look.

They both grin, "You don't even have to ask," Susie says.

I laugh, "Well, good. For dinner tonight I have a meal already planned, so we can come home around four. Or less, it depends on how long y'all take."

"We'll most likely stay till four. I love the stores up here," Caryn comments, taking a bite of her food.

"I also thought we could go swimming later. The lakes are pretty warm this time of year."

They both nod. "I bet it's nice to have it right next to your house," Susie says.

I nod, glancing out the window, seeing the waves and sand. I hadn't been swimming for a long time.

In fact, probably a little over a year ago.

Things have to change.

"After the festival tomorrow, we are going over to my Mother at five. So we can't stay that long at the festival. We can probably wake up pretty early to go because I know once you're there you won't want to leave."

"I love how you always have a plan, Jeanie. If this is me, I would be so unorganized."

I want to laugh. Because I know she is right on both points.

"I don't think there has ever been a time when you didn't have a plan," Susie continues.

Now I want to frown.

But I don't because I know that they would know who I am thinking about.

"Now I wouldn't say that, Suz," I say.

She shrugs, "It is true."

Caryn gives us a sly smile, "At least the part about Susie being unorganized."

They both laugh, although Susie slaps her on the arm playfully.

I chuckle, "Would you guys mind if I invited someone over tonight?"

"Who? Is it some guy?" they immediately look interested.

I laugh, shaking my head, "No Susie. Do you guys remember Fran?"

"Oh, your friend! Yeah, I remember."

"Should I invite her?"

"Sure," Caryn says, "I would love to see her again. She just got married right?"

"Yep."

"Invite her hubby over too then!"

I beam, "I am planning on it. They don't really go anywhere without the other," the thought making my grin grow.

They both smile back.

After they finish eating, I grab my phone and call Fran. I plop down on the couch, hearing the phone ring. She picks up immediately.

"What's up?"

"You wanna come over for dinner tonight? You and Jared both?"

"Sure! We'd be happy to. The girls are there right?"

I nod into the phone, even though she can't see me, "Oh yes."

"What's with that tone, Jeanie?" She asks, and I knew she would ask.

"Well... they surprised me by coming two hours earlier. They haven't changed at all. And they are staying till Friday."

"Good for you. That'll be fun. Are you gonna take off work?"

"No. I need the money. I have Monday off, so we're all going to go to the festival."

"Ooh, I might join you. Jared has to go out of town for that night, so I'll be all alone," she says in a whiny tone, and I can tell she's pouting.

"Ok, well then I'll talk to you Monday. The girls are nagging at me to come shopping, so I gotta go."

I hear a laugh on the line, and I can tell it's Jared.

"Hey, Jared."

"Hello, Jeanie."

"See you soon Jeanie," Fran mutters and I hang up the phone.

Susie and Caryn are standing by the door, no doubt waiting for me. I grab my purse and slip it around my shoulder, slipping my Ugg shoes.

Once I don my beanie, I am ready to go.

The keys are in my hand as we head out to the car. I get into the driver's seat, Susie in the back, while Caryn grabs the front.

It only took us about five minutes to find a parking spot and head into the mall.

After a successful trip to the mall, we headed home at about four. Susie is the first to disappear into her room to put on her new clothes, while Caryn helped me set up the plates on the table.

Once there are five table settings, I brought the crockpot onto the counter, resting a spoon inside it.

At five, the doorbell rang, and Susie beat me to it. She welcomes Fran and Jared as they make their way inside.

Caryn greets them next. Then Fran sees me and walks towards me. She envelopes me in a hug, and I give her a squeeze.

"Ready to eat?" I ask her.

Jared walks over to us, and I give him a side hug. Jared Levi has always been like a brother to me. He is one of Travis' good friends.

"Something smells amazing," he says, and I release him from the hug.

When Travis left, no one was more upset than Jared. And my upset is emotional, but he is mad. He even tried to figure out where Travis was when he left. But he never did find him.

Jared and Fran were my anchor in the storm. Especially against my mom and John.

They were engaged then.

Had just gotten engaged too.

"That would be the food," I say to Jared and he smiles at me.

"Let's eat. Come, Caryn and Susie," Fran says and grasps her husband's hand, and they walk towards the table. I can't help but glance at their linked hands longingly.

"Jeanie?" A hand is on my shoulder. I turn to Susie.

I nod. "I'm coming," I say, and just to show I am alright, I grin, making my way to serve the food.

"You always were a good hostess," Jared says as he looks at his stew hungrily.

"You always were a good hostess, Jeanie. Even after what happened with your family."

Travis' words rang in my head like a bell.

I sit down.

"This is amazing," they all say.

"You are amazing."

I close my eyes.

"Oh, Jeanie, always shying away from the spotlight. Just say thanks."

"Thanks," I mutter.

Even though I wasn't closing my eyes because of that, I don't tell Fran the real reason.

Too awkward.

We finish dinner quickly, and I bring out the brownies and ice cream. They all make themselves sundaes as I put the food away.

Fran helps me.

"Dinner is great. Thank you."

I smile, "You're welcome."

She smiles back. "Thinking about Travis?"

I give her a startled look.

She lets out a small laugh, "It's okay, I think I am the only one who noticed."

I frown, plopping more stew into the container. This is probably lunch for tomorrow.

"Do you constantly think about him?" her tone is quiet.

"Do you constantly think about your husband?"

She looks down, "Sorry, I knew it is a dumb question, but I wanted to know. Are you sure you want to go to the festival? That's where he... you know, proposed to you."

I sigh, "Well, I couldn't exactly say no. That is my only day off, and I knew they wanted to go."

"Well, will my being there help?"

I shrug. "No, but I still want you there."

She smirks. "I'll be there."

I nod. "Good."

Once everyone had their dessert, we make our way to the living room to play some games. My attitude is lifted, and I have fun. More fun than in a long time.

Fran and Jared left after a few rounds of True Colors, and us girls decided to go swimming.

We put on our swimsuits, and grabbed a few towels, and headed down to the lake. I open the sliding door and my feet hit the sand.

I stop moving. I stay still for a moment more while Caryn and Susie run past me.

Then my feet move and the moment's lost.

Caryn was already in before I get down to the beach. I follow, with Susie right behind me.

We both squeal when our toes touch the water, and I back up.

"Oh, just jump Jeanie. It's nice."

"Cold!" I call out to her.

"Refreshing," She corrects me.

I pause.

Susie jumps in, splashing me with the water.

I finally jump in. Then get right out after a few moments. I couldn't feel my toes.

Even Caryn decided to call it a night, and we all come inside, get dressed, then go right to bed.

I think I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.