I took a few deeps breaths as I grasped onto the front door handle, not mentally prepared for what I'll be walking into. My mind was screaming at me to just turn around, keep driving for a while since no one could contact me. What if I didn't return, would anyone miss me?

Opening the door I slid inside, immediately feeling warmer having been stuck in the cold for a few minutes, letting goosebumps rise over my arms. Silently I shut the door, as if I were a ghost not wanting to be spotted in the act of sneaking in, just like I did when I was younger it was something I perfected now. Slowly I tread towards the stairs, but I creak against a floorboard and silently swear to myself as I hear voices come to a hush and knew I was done for.

As soon as I heard the door open I stopped dead in my tracks, Jim stood with his arms folded and a look of disappointment on his face. Standing still, attempting to keep my ground I avoided eye contact with him, that was until a cough interrupted and both my parents stood either side, copying his facial expressions to a T.

"Come on in Ali, we have a lot to talk about." My dad spoke up first and everyone dispersed back into the room, awaiting my entrance.

Glancing back to the door, realising I still had the chance to leave, I was half way from escaping and half from being confined. Deep down I knew my choice wasn't so open as I would like to think it was. Going against my own will I walked forward, rather than retreating to my freedom I opted to facing my own personal jail cell, designed for liars and those who wish to be fed lies.

As I stepped inside it didn't feel warm, the warmth you're supposed to feel when you arrive home, instead it felt cooler, more icy like the cold glares I gave each of them as I remained stood by the doorway waiting for one of them to begin. It took a while for any one of them to speak up, it was only when I rolled my eyes and began to turn that I was interrupted in doing so. "You aren't going anywhere young lady." My mum spoke up, and caught my attention. She used to address me as young lady whenever I had done something bad, yet how is taking control over my past a bad thing to do?

"Oh so I'm in trouble?" I asked, surprised by my tone of voice.

"Don't take that tone with us." My dad tried to remain calm but I could sense the aggression rising.

"All we need to do is talk things through, like why you went without telling us for a start." My mum rubbed her eyes and sat in the armchair, Jim moved over to her and made sure she was alright before she continued. "I understand how we haven't been well entirely honest-"

She stopped as I scoffed to her, how dare she treat this as if it were such a simple act, "Honest? You blatantly lied to me my whole life! You knew I had a brother, you knew of my parents past and yet you kept from me that I witnessed the death of my birth parents!" I raised my voice as I felt dizzy, some image appearing in my head. "No, no stop! Please!" I screamed as I clawed at my head, all I could see was a dark road, I could hear laughter and saw headlights flickering towards me, then a loud scream. "Make it stop, make it stop." I repeated to myself, now on the floor clutching my face, desperately trying to shake the image from my mind, the only thing now being heard is the scream, a women's scream.

A hand touched my shoulder and my eyes shot open, Jim crouched in front of me with a look of sure panic and it didn't falter as I glanced back, the shaking in my whole body didn't cease. "I think she should get some rest." Jim turned away from me but kept his hand secure on my shoulder, the other voices felt very far away as if they were miles away, the only prominent voice belonged to Jim amongst the faint screams.

The next thing I knew someone lifted my up, but I was in a state of shock, unable to object, the screams began to fade and instead were replaced with the sound of my soft whimpers. My head felt as if it had been drained and my mind was still an unclear picture.

Jim placed me down on my bed, picking out my pyjamas and left me to change except all I could do is sit still, my body felt locked into place and I could only glance to the baby pink pjs as opposed to attempting to climb into them and settle down. My eyes locked on the nail varnish stain on my carpet, one I had made on my last visit, a sense of dejavu occurring. My focus was interrupted briefly by a knock on the door that should've made me jump but it doesn't, instead I keep my eyes trained on the stain, thinking back to how I left here in such a state last time.

"Ali, do you need some help?" Jim crept into my room and kneeled in front of me, Jim never witnessed my episodes before making this his first one. Rule number one during my episodes as we learnt many years ago is to give me some time, I can clearly hear him I just don't care to answer. "Let me help Ali, don't shut me out as well." He pleaded, my shift now moved from the stain to his hands which rested on my knees, I attempted to smile back and moved his hands away. Then I proceeded back to my original state, as if the interaction hadn't occurred.

Jim walked out a few moments after, leaving me alone once again. The image in my mind was difficult to explain, one that was difficult to come to reasons with and it scared me. Deep down I hoped I wouldn't end back here in this boat that is quickly filling with water now and it's as if I have to learn to swim all over again. I don't want to drown, I don't want to experience the pain that brought for me and for everyone else, I just want to be normal.

After a while I begin to move again without seeing any images or hearing any screams, I get changed for bed and lie there under my duvet staring blankly at the ceiling. My lights remain on as I fear the dark now, I fear that if I go into darkness then the image will replay over and over again and take me back to square one. A small knock occurs once again on my door and I see Jim once again peering through with caution, a look of relief appears when he notices me in bed and goes to turn away. "Jim?" I call out for him and he turns around, hanging in the doorway.

"What is it Ali?" He asked calmly, his voice always had a calming element to it, even now for him to witness this he still remains as calm as I wish I could be.

"Could you stay with me, please?" I whimpered without realising and Jim quickly made his way over towards me, I waited for him to get comfortable under the duvet before turning to huddle into his chest. He rubbed my back as I closed my eyes, trying to relax but still feeling tense. "What's going to happen to me?" The fear was apparent in my voice, not knowing what faced me in the morning, what my parents will do now. I haven't acted like this in a long time, maybe it was a one off? I wish it was a one off.

"We'll see what your parents say in the morning Al, just get some sleep. I'm not going anywhere don't worry." He whispered and kept rubbing circles on my back, Jim was the best at consoling other people, whenever I had a bad day at work he would come home with me and lie watching films until we fell asleep. Jim is my best friend, the best friend I don't think I could manage without.

"I'm scared." I barely whispered, telling the honest truth is challenging, especially when it's something so dreadful to admit to yourself and to others.

"I know Ali, but that's okay you're entitled to be scared sometimes. Fear shouldn't prevent us from living our lives, so don't let this stop you from living yours. Do you want to talk about today?" He asked and immediately I brought my hand up to the locker that I put on my neck earlier today.

I simply nodded to him and he listened, he listened to every small detail I had to tell him, how I felt at different points in the day, he looked at the photos in the locket being careful and gently holding it and noticing he baby Ali and smiled, he listened to everything that led up to now. The image in my mind was foggy to describe, but there were aspects I could make out. He didn't interrupt me once, only when I was finished knowing I would lose my trail of thought otherwise.

"Let's see what the morning brings shall we? Also you were an adorable baby." He joked causing me to smile, putting both of us at ease slightly. I closed my eyes and repeated what Jim said, hoping it would come true.

"Ali! There you are we've been looking for you, we have a surprise!" Zoe came up to me as happy as ever, the glint in her eyes was evident. I barely noticed where I was, only at what she was wearing.

A slim fitted white wedding dress, I gave her a wide eyed look and she let out a laugh, dragging me outside of the room we were situated in. "Zoe where are we going?" I asked, feeling tired and wanting to rest. She took me to a door and held my hand tight, her smile growing with anticipation.

"I want to show you you're bridesmaid dress, I kept it in here for safety purposes as you're extremely clumsy." She joked causing us both to laugh, remembering the time I split chocolate from the chocolate fountain all over my silk dress when I was 10, something no one wanted forget unfortunately.

As she grasped into the handle she told me to close my eyes, I obeyed and I heard the door unclick, my eyes remained closed until I was told otherwise, her grip on my hand loosened and suddenly I heard a sob. My eyes burst open but I wish they hadn't.

There stood Alfie in a tux with a blue tie out of place, his shirt half buttoned up incorrectly and his shoes on the other side of the room where I noticed another person. "No Alfie, you didn't!" I yelled to him as he buttoned his shirt up, fumbling for words as Niomi zipped up her dress, as lost for words as he was whilst Zoe stood there, sobbing.

"I'm sorry Zoe, it's not what you think!" Alfie tried to move close to Zoe but she snatched her hand away from him he was taken back by her actions, a look of sorrow filled his face as Niomi slipped her heels back on and flipped her hair back into place.

A surge of rage filled my body, I couldn't stand there and be defenceless, who knows what Zoe could do it is her wedding day after all. I took a few steps forward, being close to Alfie before raising my fist and punching him square in the jaw, he yelled and swore loudly whilst Niomi slipped out of the room with me hot on her trail.

I glanced back to Zoe who stormed out and collapsed into a mess on the ground, muttering to herself. Niomi headed towards the stairs and at the last second I screamed her name, she turned too quickly and fell, she fell fast hitting various parts of her body at drastic angles, it was as if I could hear the crunching and gasps as she lay at an awkward position, not moving, not breathing.

Anger left my body and instead I felt guilty, she was dead yet it wasn't my fault technically, I didn't push her, she fell. I could hear my name being called by Alfie who quickly approached me, he stood in front of me but quickly looked down the stairs, his expression was difficult to decipher for a few minutes as he remained emotionless whilst he looked at her body. But as soon as he looked back to me, it was with pure hatred.

"You do realise no one, and I mean no one would miss you if you were gone Ali. Not your so called family, not your friends, not even that brother of yours. And not even the boy you love." He spat at me, I tried to speak but my voice disappeared as he held my shoulders tight. "Goodbye Ali, and good riddance." He shoved my forcefully and I fell backwards, seeing his eyes light up as I embraced my death.

I sat right up and gasped for air, my heart rate going too fast for it to be humanly possible. My eyes darted around me to see I was at home, it was a nightmare, just a nightmare. Yet it felt all too real, Alfie was willing to kill me, my death being on his hands just like my secrets. Jim remained fast asleep so I trailed out of bed, whimpering as I did so out of fear and hushing my sobs to prevent anyone from hearing me. After a few antagonising minutes I went to the bathroom, sat down in the bath tub and curled myself up into a ball and rested my head in between my knees.

"This isn't real, you won't let this happen again." I muttered words of encouragement to myself, trying to convince myself that this wasn't happening, I wasn't going to give in again. I'm older now, I have more strength to do this and fight it, yet here I am in the bath rocking back and forth just like the last time.

A light shone through the crack in the door yet I was too numb to process it, I heard whispers travel into my ears, horrid words and phrases being thrown to me, I wanted to shake them away. My rocking intensified and I could feel the sobs becoming louder although I wanted them to be silent.

"She's in here!" A faint voice I could just make out over the increasing yells as I slammed my hands over my ears, trying to shut them out again, the pain was too much, make it stop.

"Make it stop, I'll do anything please just stop." I repeated to myself as the voices remained at a constant level, bombarding my mind as if the dormant state they were in is over, that this is my life now.

A hand found its way onto my shoulder, causing me to flinch and shake. Alfie stood before me with a twisted smirk on his face causing me to scream loudly but I was paralysed, I couldn't move. "Ali! Ali it's me its Jim!" He yelled at me and I saw Alfies face fade, revealing Jim with a wet face and a look pure alarm as I remained afraid, trying to back away from him once again.

"Please don't kill me!" I tried to yell but my voice was hoarse, his hand was released from my shoulder and I was free to move further away from him, until my back hit the wall and my breathing became heavy again.

"Ali, sweetheart?" Another voice was made clear and was in front of me outside of the bath tub, as if it was some separation between them from me. I shot my eyes from my feet to face whoever was kneeling close to me, there stood my mum with a calm expression, one she always held like all mothers do when their children are upset or hurt. "Take a few deeps breaths, you're in a safe place. I've got your Gordon here." She placed my old teddy bear in the bath tub next to me whilst I continued to shake no matter how much reassurance was provided.

I moved my hand as I heard the voices begin to hush, picking up Gordon and held him close to my chest, Gordon and I have been through a lot. He was there through every adventure, every nightmare, moving to a new city studying in a new place and living alone for the first time, even for the heart breaks.

People around me began to get up and move outside, my glance averted from Gordon as I saw Jim trail outside for a few minutes, briefly hearing the conversation occurring.

"We need to take her back." My mum spoke up, muttering a quick statement to the others.

"Look I'm trying my best, but it is 4 in the morning and they've put me on hold! We just have to keep her calm, where are her pills?" I think my dad was muttering to my mum, good luck to them finding my pills, not even Jim has a sure knowledge of their whereabouts.

"I'll go look, just don't let her be alone, you heard what she said to me." A voice filled with utter sadness hit me hard, I know I shouldn't have told Jim that, but my voice and entire body won't respond in a coherent fashion.

The door opened again and my mum came and sat next to me, holding her hand out longingly in the bath tub waiting for me to grasp onto it if and when I was ready to. Yet I wasn't, I acknowledged it but I didn't accept it my mind was whirring away and continuous thoughts and negative images swarmed, the particular nightmare image of Alfie and the crash stood out amongst other flashing pictures and made up scenes. But I remained silent, the more I tried to block them out, the more they intensified so I allowed them to consume me.

After a while they began to ease, it was a system I had gotten used to if that's ever the appropriate word to use for this, the images played the voices swarmed and I felt feeble, then eventually the whole thing shuts down and my mind allows me to build up strength before the walls I built up are destroyed. It's a cycle of pain and torment, a game devised by my own mind meaning I have no support on the inside, I am my own worst enemy.

It began to ease off, I knew what was coming next- the realisation phase. Within the next hour guilt would take over me for all the things I've said and didn't mean, then the explanation where I'll try to tell everyone what happened, but my mind would fog over the images and make me appear crazy to those who were oblivious. Afterwards I would remain under surveillance and eventually be allowed to live my life once again, that is until the next time. You get used to the messed up system, no matter how hard you try to ignore the fact the truth is that it'll happen again, I'm a ticking time bomb.