I've headed to the bathroom, to help me think what the fuck I just did, I mean I just kissed her. I actually just kissed Jordan, I mean I've felt something with her for a while, ever since we've became best friends she's made me forget about all the shit that runs through my head. She makes me want to try and stop harming myself as much. I know I shouldn't rely on her but she makes me feel so much better about myself. I know we just think of each other as best friends but ever since I laid eyes on her I knew that's not all we was going to be.

After overthinking about this whole situation I just over thought, I realise it's not all that bad and she did kiss me back...and she said she liked it.

Anyways I actually did end up taking a piss!

You know I've never actually been in in Jordan's room... would it be wrong if I had a look? Nah.

I make my way out the bathroom door after washing my hands of course. I'm not dirty!

It's quite a long hall way if I'm honest and I can't just open every single door, just to find her room.

I come across a plain, wooden door with a silver handle. I'm gunna assume this is her bedroom. I open the door a little, enough for me to see the wooden floor beneath. I slowly widen the door more and step into the bedroom. I look around and from the pictures, posters, tapestry and the two large suitcases on the bed I can definitely tell it's her room. The pictures are mainly of family I haven't met yet. Well I mean, I haven't met any of her family at all except from her mom tonight.

There's pictures of her and some girls, they all have their arms around each other. I don't really recognise any of them except from one, Brooklyn. I walk further around her room and see a picture, sitting on her mirror. What the fuck! It's me and Jordan as kids. Oh... that was at Evelyn's 10th birthday party, the both of us was forced there. I remember I just didn't want to go because I wasn't really in the mood but Jordan, she just didn't really like going out much, not to parties, not to anywhere.

I would have never expected me and Jordan to get this close, ever. I mean as kids we knew each other yeah, but we wasn't exactly friends. These last couple of years I've turned into someone completely different. I always let my thoughts get the best of me. You see my close cousin jack. He passed away when I was around 12. I saw it happen, it happened right In front of me. Me and him was on our way to the basketball courts to play some ball and he was stupid enough to run out into the road while a car was going about 40 miles over the speed limit. It hit him and then just drove off as if nothing happened, they just left. As soon as he got hit he died there and then, leaving his dead corpse and puddles of blood everywhere. There was no need for any hospital but they took him anyway.

Ever since I laid my eyes on his stone cold, dead body for the last time at his funeral, I thought there was nothing left for me, my best friend was no longer here. He was never coming back, ever.

That's when things started getting fucked up in life. I started doing bad in school, I was with a different girl almost every week, I played them so much. I think the real reason for that is that they all cheat, every single one of them. Nothing good ever stays with me, absolutely nothing.

That's until I started getting to know Jordan better. It was the best decision of my life. Except she knows...she knows about my scars and that I cut. Like I said after my cousin, jack died. Depression took over me and sometimes I'd feel uncontrollably numb. Numb to the point I had to hurt myself to feel, anything, anything at all. After the first couple of times I did it, it hurt. Every time I'd bring a blade to my wrist I'd ask myself what's the point in all of this, and honestly I don't know but at the same time I felt something which was a good thing, right? I mean I wasn't numb anymore.

I'm addicted, I think. If there's one thing i could change in life it would be to stop doing this to myself, at first I only did it because I was sad but now, now there's not really much to be sad about but here I am, I'm still doing it. Sometimes I feel it's for the best, I mean now I'm finally experiencing hurt. Something I've been doing my whole life to innocent people. I've been hurting them, maybe not physically but I know for sure I've hurt many peoples feelings. And that's something I'll be forever sorry for. My mom is scared for her life that I actually might kill myself. I don't want that to happen obviously, but I really just can't seem to stop.

I wanna stop for her, for Jordan. She didn't judge me when she noticed them, she never judged me when she saw me on the bathroom floor bleeding to death. She stayed with me throughout the whole time I was at the hospital and didn't leave my side once! She makes me feel as though I shouldn't be ashamed about me scares or the fact that I cut. And I know that her moving to L.A will change her life completely. I guess I just really didn't wanna leave her behind and that I don't know that I'll do without her by my side.

🤎

I trail away from my thoughts as I notice a little black notebook sat on her bed next to her two full suitcases. I persuade myself to walk towards it and maybe have a little look through it. It wouldn't be invading her privacy if I did so though, would it? I'm sure she wouldn't mind.

I pick the black, heavy notebook up with both hands and turn to the first page. Oh she draws... weird drawings actually, there still good though.

I flip through a few more pages, filled with odd drawings. Further into the notebook I browse through the pages until I notice my name on one of the notes. 'To Leo'

To Leo? Should I read it? I mean it is sorta a letter written to me...fuck it!

I read the letter a sighted to me and take in each word she had written. I try to process what I'm reading as my eyes move further and further down the page.

Woah... she really has been through it. And her mom! I can't believe she hasn't told me any of this. That she's... she's like me. She more like me than I ever would have imagined. I'm not saying it's a good thing I'm just glad I'm not alone with this...

I feel really fucking shitty about myself. I was too busy feeling for myself and not even thinking to ask if Jordan was okay!

"Leo?" I hear a familiar voice call my name.

Shit! Jordan's shouting me.

"Yeah?" I reply in a panicky tone, quickly placing the notebook back down on the bed.

Just as I step out of the room, she reaches the top of the stairs and looks at me. Shit!

"What were you doing in there?"

"Oh uh...I'm so sorry, I've just never seen your room before. It's really nice, I like it."

Jordan gives a simple nod then crosses her arms. Walking more forward, she walks into her room and looks at me to follow.

"I don't mind you being in my room. I just never thought you was actually interested in knowing what it looks like."

"I'm not that interested. I was just curious."

"Hmm." She grins then walks over to the pictures on her mirror.

"Have you seen this?"

"Yeah, I noticed it when I first walked in."

She smiles faintly "ugh, one of the worst days of my life!" She makes her way to her bed, sitting on it. She brings up her knees to her chin and hold up the pictures, just staring at it. I sit myself next to her and look at it also.

"Why?"

"It was a party if you remember and I hate them. Like so fucking much!"

"Yeah, I guessed that." We both smile at each other.

"You looked like you wasn't enjoying it that much either. No girls to impress?"

I shake my head and give an awkward laugh.

"No actually, I mean there was girls to impress just not the ones I wanted. I really didn't feel good that day, that's why."

"Oh. Right." She stands up from her bed and places the picture back on her mirror.

Silents fills the room for about 10 long seconds before I come out with "Jordan?"

"Mmm?" She looks at me with a confused face.

"Why haven't you ever had a boyfriend?"

She stares at me as if I just asked her a question she couldn't answer.

"I think being in a relationship is pointless, especially when your the person who ends up liking the other person more."

"Yeah, I know what that's like."

"You do?"

I raise my brows.

"Well, that's hard to believe. You've only ever been in one serious relationship and that was with Freya. And, when you found out she cheated, you just let her go like you two was never even a thing."

"Actually I liked Freya a lot at the start, we were good. You know? We'd always to couply things?"

"Couply things?" Jordan chuckles.

"Yeah well, things that couples would normally do. Such as go on dates, go to parties, have dinners with each other's families. Just stuff like that."

I have no clue why I'm telling her this, I know she's never had a boyfriend but I'm sure she's aware on how a relationship works.

"I know what couples do Leo, I may be stupid but I'm not that stupid." She lets out a sigh before looking at the ground.

"I know, I'm sorry." I very faintly smile at her.

She shakes her head a little then looks up at me.

"It's nearly 6..." I say, not wanting this to get awkward.

"I know. She'll be back in half an hour."

She sits herself down at her dressing table thing or desk whatever it is, then grabs some makeup brushes and applies some light makeup.

"What are you doing?" I ask, clearly knowing exactly what she's doing.

"What does it look like...my makeup." She playfully rolls her eyes.

I make my way towards her. I stare at her through the mirror, watching her do her makeup.

I move closer to her "you know Jordan, you don't need that." I start to comb my hands through her brown, wavy hair, not caring if she thinks it's weird or not.

She faintly smiles "I really appreciate you being nice and all Leo but honestly I do. Besides I feel more confident when I wear it."

"Right. I'm just saying." I continue playing with her hair.

"Leo..."

"Mhm." I tilt my head up so our eyes meet each other's in the mirror.

"Could you maybe not touch my hair as much. It's quite irritating." She gives a genuine smile.

I nod in response, removing my hands from her hair, feeling a little embarrassed.

🤎

She spends FIVE whole minutes doing her makeup. She stands up from her dressing table then walks over to me.

"My mom should be here in like 10 minutes, probably less." She smiles at me before moving her gaze down to my lips. I lick them gently as she moves closer towards me.

"Okay..." I whisper.

We both move in slowly, our lips touching as she moves her hands to rest around the back off my neck. I move my hands to her back, pulling her closer. I was about to deepen the kiss until there's a knock at the door.

FOR FUCK SAKES MAN!