Ah! Guys! Im out of cheese doodles!

No, haha. Well I am , but that's not what im excited about .-. I got MY FIRST BANNER! It was made by a creative girl named Amarquez, who i'm dedicating this chapter to C: Thanks so much.

 x3 Song of the chapter is Eat That Up, It's Good For You, by Two Door Cinema Club. I'm having a TDCC phase lately, and the song fits the chapter. You'll see in the end :D

As always,

xxx.

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Four days.

It's been four days since I've last spoken. My lungs felt fine, and I knew I could do it- I was just afraid to. Ever since I let those two words escape my mouth everything's gone downhill, and I won't let it happen again. If being mute kept my friends and family close to me, so be it. I knew I was being selfish ~ But honestly? If you had the choice, wouldn't you do the same thing?

That wasn't the first time that's happened. I was told by Luna it happened a month earlier, in the first week I had come home. It was right after my incident with the graveyard, which explains why I couldn't remember anything after Gabriel finding me. I had freaked out and punched his jaw, only stopping when Luna took me to see their graves again.

So here I was, in the car with Luna. My hands were trembling, adrenaline running through my veins since the moment I realized where we were going. The last time I saw their graves I went off the deep end, to the point where I actually let Gabriel hold me. 

She pulled over on the side of the road, giving me a sad look before trying to squeeze my hand. I pulled away just in time, though, looking out the window. "Are you okay?" She asked softly.

I nodded, stiffly unbuckling my seat belt and taking a deep breath. Before me, the gravestones scattered and broke into the mist, fading away like cartoon-ish shadows. I bit the inside of my cheek, knowing that three of those stones belonged to my family. 

I gripped white roses in my hands, my mother's favorite flower. When they were alive, it had disgusted me in a way. I mean, what sane person loves the flower famous for death? But now that they were in my hands -in someone so clearly insane's grip, nonetheless- I realized the true beauty of them. Their petals were soft and velvety, the spiral leading to it's core a gorgeous sight.

"Alexxa?" Luna called out my name. "I found them."

I took the bouquet in my right hand, ignoring the sharp pain of the thorns and walking slowly behind her. My feet crunched underneath the late November snow, seeming so loud in the eerily silent graveyard. Luna fell back to let me catch up to her, stepping in unison to me after. She reached out to wrap an arm around my shoulders, but I flinched back and walked a few paces away. 

Seeing the hurt on her face sent a pit of guilt to my stomach, but I couldn't do it. Touching someone means getting closer than they already are. And although I was grateful and pushed to have some kind of relationship with my family and Gabriel, touching them seemed to go too far.

She stopped at three gravestones that were familiar. I traced my fingers over the writing, picking up the bloodstained, dried roses from the last time I was here. She took them from me, holding them while I dropped the new roses onto the platforms of the marble. 

We were silent as I crossed my legs under me, sitting with my head bowed. Luna went to my mother's, while I stayed by Chris's. Christofer Henry Matthews.

It mocked me, a sick reminder of the reality that has become of my life.

I tried to think of the good times Chris and I shared. But all I could imagine were scenes from the hallucinations, how petrified he made me feel. The stories he told were no longer implanted in my mind, but his hisses as he cut me into pieces. I couldn't see those warm, blue eyes, just sockets that once held them. It was as if all memory of the past disappeared.

"Alexxa," Luna murmured, placing a hand on my shoulder. I stiffened, bowing forwards more as to escape her grip although all I wanted to do was break down in her arms.

She sighed, standing to her feet just as I let a tear escape my eye. Soon, though, the tear turned into sobs that shook my entire body, breathing becoming even more difficult than it already felt.

 How can I do this? How can I live without them?

I felt her wrap her arms around me, and cried out. "You aren't her!" I screamed suddenly, the first words I've spoken since the incident. "You aren't my mom!" I saw pain flash across her face before she gave me the space I wanted. 

"I'll be in the car," she said quietly. I said nothing, body hunched in the fetal position as I cried out all the pain i've been feeling since my sixteenth birthday. It got harder and harder to breathe as I continued, but I couldn't stop. 

The sun soon set. I hardly noticed, though, feeling the sobs that once took over me entirely wash away with the light of day. Eventually I had calmed down to soft sniffles, my mind clear. It was obvious I needed to cry, after bottling up all my emotions for two years. And although nobody was there to comfort me, it felt good. 

I stood, brushing the dirt from my jeans and blowing three kisses in the direction of my family's gravestones. The roar of an engine took me from tearing up again, letting my legs take me back to the small car and sitting inside.

She gave me a saddened look before pulling out and back onto the road. "I have to go to work late tonight - Colby switched shifts, so I have nights now."

I nodded, not really caring. I didn't want to be around people at the moment, much less my own family-

"But," she pressed on, tearing me from my thoughts, "Gabriel's going to sleep over."

Biting back my groan, I gave her a pleading glance. She rolled her eyes, rolling the car into the driveway and parking it. "Don't pretend you don't like him," she said, eyeing the black truck parked next to us and the boy propped up against the hood.

I shook my head and swallowed- hard. His dark brown hair was ruffled from sleep, light bags under his eyes. He looked exhausted, as if someone had just woken him. But he looked twice as attractive when he was tired, and that pretty much set me off the deep end once more.

I couldn't possibly like him, could I?

No! I silently screamed to myself, getting out of the car and walking silently up the stairs to the house. He's nothing more than a teenage boy who happens to talk to you. Stop sounding so desperate and move on with your life, I felt my mind whisper. Shaking my head, I unlocked the door and went into the living room, sitting Indian style on the couch and turning on my laptop. 

Gabriel came inside, closing the door and locking it. "Hey," he greeted, settling down next to me.

I said nothing, bringing up the Internet browser and going on Netflix. His leg brushed mine, making me flinch unconsciously and shrink farther into the couch. He let out a soft sigh, peeking over my shoulder. "What are you watching?"

Did he really expect me to answer? I rolled my eyes, clicking on Skins and bringing up the third episode. He grinned, leaning back and staring at the screen. "Sweet."

I nodded, laying my head on the cushioning and pressing play. The scene started, but I was barely paying attention to it, unable not to notice his hand and how close it was to mine. It would be so easy to take it, intertwine our fingers like Chase and I had done as a second nature. The feeling reassures me, comforts me, so why was I so frozen in place to do it?

Halfway through the episode, something fell on my shoulder. I froze again, slowly dragging my eyes to see Gabriel's head in the crook of my neck, his eyes closed and mouth slightly tipped open. Not knowing what to do, I stayed like that, feeling my skin crawl at his warmth. 

When the episode had finally finished, I was out of options. I didn't really want to wake him, not when he looked so adorable in slumber, but I was bored and hungry and the feeling was fogging up my mind with cliche flutters and feelings I didn't want to feel.

So I stood, gently taking his head off my shoulder and laying it on the couch. He didn't move, instead using one hand to fist into the pillow, and let me throw a blanket on top of his body. I couldn't help but smile quietly to myself.

He wasn't so tough looking any more, was he?

=====

I ended up watching re runs of Skins and eating buckets of Chinese food. It's a mystery to how I hadn't gained any weight, as I ate twice as much now that I was out of the institution. With my legs on top of Gabriels- which were covered by the blanket- I put down the white box and picked up the paper from the fortune cookie.

To the world you may be one person, but to once person you may be the world.

Eyeing Gabriel, I let out a sigh. Who did he see as his world? Was it Kira, or some sweet, shy girl from Autumn Academy ? Or maybe he was in love with someone else, someone he hasn't even told me. . .

He let out a low chuckle in his sleep. "Stop staring at me," he whined, voice husky. I resisted the tempting shiver that rolled down my spine, leaning back against the wall. Blushing, I looked away at the rising sun. It was close to seven thirty in the morning, so why the hell was I still awake?

"Have you been up this entire time?" He asked, wide eyed. I watched him sit up, running a hand through his hair and staring at me. I shrugged, biting my lower lip and not meeting his blue eyes. "Jesus, Alexxa, it's seven twenty. Sleep."

I shook my head, although I wanted to pass out right then and there. But I knew if I fell asleep, i'd end up in his embrace, and that would mean getting closer to him than I already was. And I couldn't have that- I was at a safe distance.

Besides, curiosity kills the cat, right?

He took my hands, fisting them in his own. I went to wiggle out of his grasp, feeling a mix of happiness and confusion and distrust at the simple gesture, and fell back onto the bed. Sighing silently, I gave him a slight nod and signed, Fine.

He grinned. It was one of the words I taught him in our mini-lesson so he could understand his grandfather more, which clearly made him feel smarter when he understood it. "So, when are you gonna speak to me again?" He wiggled his eyebrows, falling into bed next to me.

I shrugged, eyeing him cautiously and meeting his blue orbs. His face tilted into a frown, hands detaching themselves from mine and going to graze my cheek. I flinched away, looking at the spot above his head and on the ceiling. 

"I miss your voice," he admitted softly. "And being able to hug you."

Biting the inside of my cheek, I closed my eyes. He was trying to guilt trip me, nothing more. After that he would just use me, or leave me. "Could I?" His voice was quiet, a bit. . . nervous? 

No, impossible.

My eyes popped open and I glanced at him questioningly. He wanted to hug me? Pondering it for a moment, I realized how much I missed the comfort of someone holding me, or being able to hold them. I guess one stupid embrace wouldn't do any harm, right?

Wrong. The moment his arms were around me, I gave into temptation (which i'm sure was a huge sin on my part) and buried my face in his chest. Tears came to my eyes as I realized just how fucked up I really was, getting all emotional over a hug and being naive enough to believe it wouldn't affect anything. 

He sighed into my hair, not letting go. It's not like I was objecting- After all, the feeling made me want to freeze time just so I could stay like this forever. My breathing was a little ragged, but this time it wasn't because of fright. 

We both eventually pulled away at the same time, his forehead suddenly dreadfully close to mine. "That wasn't so bad, was it?" He whispered, breath warm on my face. 

I couldn't lie to that happy, tired expression. So I just shook my head no, laying my head back on the pillow and closing my eyes. When I felt his arm wrap around my waist, I didn't object, but couldn't help the flinch that came over me.

"Goodnight, Alexxa." He murmured.

And at that moment, I would do anything to be her.

---

Ugh. I absolutely hate it when people you think you're close to lie to seem more 'romantically experienced' than you. It's absolutely pathetic and desperate.

Anyways, on a happier note, I graduated today! After three boring hours stuck in a field house with nobody to talk to but my brother, I FINALLY GRADUATED. Thank god for Summeerrr <3

Just a shout out to any skaters that read this, tomorrow, June 21, is international Go Skate Day! So grab your boards and take over the streets :)

Hm. Maybe i'll make my own banner :)

What do you think about Alexxa and Gabriel?

Are they going too fast, or too slow?

xxx.