Content Warning: Panic Attacks, Sexual Content

~ Things in German are underlined <3 ~

Sunday night I decided to make the boys dinner. I wasn't the best cook but I was getting tired of carry-out and delivery every night. Not just that though, I missed my mom's cooking. I tried to force Nick and Clay to cook with me because I thought it would be fun. They didn't actually do anything but sit and watch me or the tv.

"Mutti (mom). Please just talk for a few minutes!" I begged. I had my phone set on the counter next to me so I could cut the pork. I could see her sitting on her bed with a face mask on. Probably one of the Korean ones her 'boyfriend' always bought her.

"I'm not feeling well, Bärchen (little bear). I think I'm going through menopause."

"Shut up. You're not even forty yet." I laughed. "I just need you to tell me the recipe for grandma's Schnitzel."

"Just get one online." She whined.

"Please!" I begged more, pouting into the camera. "Her's was the best."

She sighed and sat up straight in her bed. "Fine, I'll send you a copy. You're lucky I love you Bärchen. Anything else you need?"

"Actually I wanted to talk to you about something, but I think it should be in private." I turned around to look at Nick and Clay. They were focused on football on the couch. "Well, more private."

"I can't talk later. Miguel is taking me down South America for a road trip. So I won't be able to talk for a while. Just tell me now. It's not like they can understand you."

I washed my hands and picked up my phone so she could properly see my face. "I think I might like someone but I'm not sure."

Her face rapidly changed to excitement. "Really! Bärchen that's so good! What's their name?"

"I can't say right now. He's in the room. He's the guy I moved in with."

"Show me!" I rolled my eyes at her and then flipped the camera. I started to point the phone at Clay when we made eye contact. He was already looking at me. I panicked and hung up on her. I turned back to cook even though I had no clue what to do.

A moment later I felt a hand land on my shoulder. I could tell it was Clay by his scent. He always smelt like the forest. "What were you doing?" He whispered in my ear. He pulled on my shoulder to make me turn and face him, placing his arms on either side of me. "Hm?"

"I wasn't doing anything." I tried to play innocent. "Just talking to my mom."

"Really? Cause it looked like you were taking a picture of me or something." He moved in closer, so close I could feel the heat from his face. It was intimidating but in the best way. My stomach started to twist and I tensed my thighs to create pressure.

"Nope." I shook my head. Stop acting like a brat. Don't be annoying. "Welp. I need to cook cause" Ding. I grabbed my phone from my pocket. "My mom just sent me the recipe so."

He nodded his head to me then stepped back. "Ok." He walked away leaving me flustered. I let out the breath that I didn't know I was holding. How does he do this to me?

Dinner was great. I made the Schnitzel I wanted and we watched some Harry Potter together in the theater room. George had been whining about wanting to join us on a movie night. It was the first time I got to directly speak with him. He was sweet and an absolute Potterhead, it oddly fit him. 

Later that night wasn't great though. I knew pork gave me nightmares but this one was too far. I woke up crying in a cold sweat. I ran to turn the lights on and curled myself into the wall, scared to lay back down in my bed. Seeing Adam's face always scared me and I saw him when I closed my eyes. I hated that he haunted my dreams. This time it was worse because Jackson was there too. As much as I tried to stop crying, the tears flooded. They were silent. Then my door cracked open.

I look up to see Clay. He looked at my empty bed, then down at me. "You okay?" I shook my head no. "Can't sleep?" I nodded. For some reason, words couldn't come out, or maybe I just wasn't ready to talk yet. He came fully into my room and closed the door behind him, sitting down in front of me criss-cross. For some reason, he was in one of his black smile hoodies and a pair of jeans. "I can't sleep either, but I think we have different reasons."

"I had a nightmare. What's your reason?"

"You."

"Me?" I pointed at myself like an idiot.

"Mhm." He reached down and started playing with the hem on my nightgown.

"Why?"

"Do you want to go on a walk with me?" He ignored my question. "I was about to go out when I saw your light on."

"Sure, just let me get changed." He nodded and left my room. I changed into sweat pants and a long sleeve shirt to make sure I didn't get cold on the walk. When I opened my door, Clay was standing next to it leaned against the wall waiting for me. "What time is it?"

"3 am last I checked. Come on, let's go." He reached down for my hand then stopped himself. "Can I hold your hand?" I nodded and held my hand up for him. He matched with my palm and interlocked his fingers, I did the same. His hand was warm compared to mine. He gave me a squeeze causing his muscles to pop out before he pulled me along with him out of the house.

He decided we should head to a park inside the neighborhood because he wanted to play on the swings. As we passed the houses, all the lights were out. The streets were empty and all you could hear were the sounds of nature. It was nice. Just me and him.

We walked along not saying a word. Both enjoying each other's company in silence. Eventually, we got to the park and he got a burst of energy, dashing towards the swings pulling me with him. He's so cute. He jumped on the seat and began swinging. I joined him but didn't have the energy so I just rocked while I watched him.

"I haven't done this since I was a kid." He cheered. After a while, he finally got tired and simmered down. We just looked at the stars together, you could barely see any since we were so close to Orlando. Every so often I would look at him instead though. I'll let myself be the creep for once. His face glowed in the moonlight, somehow he looked brighter than usual.

"Hey, I have a question. It's been bothering me since we had dinner at your mom's." He looked over to me and mumbled a soft 'hm'. "What did you're mom not like me?" I asked.

"No. It's not that she didn't like you, she just didn't like the idea of you being my girlfriend." He laughed. Whatever he thought was funny just hurt me and he noticed. "Ok, that sounded really bad. Sorry. It's just... my mom still loves Maria. She wants us to get back together so she didn't like the idea of me have a new girlfriend."

Hearing him say that made me furious. "Why the hell would she want you to get back together after what Maria did to you!?"

"I never told my mom what really happened between me and Maria. I lied and told her we broke up because I wanted to focus on youtube. She adores Maria and I just didn't have the heart."

"She's not a good person, why would your mom like her?" At the time I couldn't tell if it was pure anger towards Maria or gut-wrenching jealousy, later I decided it was both. Maria got to be with Clay in ways I hadn't. In ways I wanted to. She was adored by his family while I was ignored or disliked simply because I wasn't her.

"She's not always like how she was when you met her. Normally she is sweet and caring. My mom loves her because she helped my family when my dad passed away. It was back before me and her dated but she was there to clean or cook or whatever my mom couldn't do due to mourning. Maria is a good person, she just..." He paused trying to find his words.

"She's not a good person Clay. Not after what she did to you."

"Yeah." He looked guilty. "What about your parents?" He changed the subject.

"My parents are... a complicated story. My dad was in the army, stationed in Germany when he met my mom at a bar. One one stand later and they had me."

"That doesn't sound too complicated." 

I laughed. "That was the simplified version. My mom was 16 when she got pregnant with me while my dad was 24." He faced shifted to shock and disgust. "Yeah, so my mom had me when she was 17. My dad married my mom because he thought he had to. It wasn't bad at first because they did fall in love despite the language barrier. But... quick love breeds quick hate. The only reason they stayed together for as long as they did was because of me. They got divorced when I was about 10 and my dad left. I only see him every few months when he flies into Texas for work."

"Wow." I nodded along with his shock. "And I thought my family was crazy."

"Shut up." I laughed and punched his arm. "It's probably 4 am. We should head back soon."

He sighed. "Yeah. We probably should." I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay there and talk forever about whatever. We looked at the stars for a few more minutes, enjoying the cool late January breeze. He was the first to move, hopping out of the swing, and stood in front of me. "I'll race you home." He smiled.

"What? I don't even know the way? And you're taller." I laughed.

"Short people run fast plus you can just follow me." 

"If I follow you that means I'm losing?"

"I know." Then he took off, leaving me still sitting in the swing. I chased after him and was able to keep up with him. He was painfully obvious about slowing down for me. When we got back to the house he grabbed some water from the kitchen then headed upstairs to hide in our rooms again. "Night Princess."

I rolled my eyes at him and walked away to my room, then it struck me. The reason I left with him was that I was afraid to sleep. Flashes of my dream came back and I quickly turned around. Clay was watching me from his doorway.

"You okay?" He asked.

"Uhm... I'm scared to sleep." I answered honestly.

"Oh." He rubbed his neck and stared at his feet. "I'm not tired if you wanna talk more?" I nodded and pointed into his room. I crawled into his bed in the corner and laid down. He walked to his dresser and pulled out a shirt. He took off his hoodie, wearing nothing under. I couldn't help but stare. "And you call me a creep?"

"Sorry." I laughed. "Can't help myself." He rolled his neck with a smirk, threw the shirt on, and joined me on the bed laying next to me. I started to get warm, he was so close our shoulders were touching. I realized I was laying in his bed with him at 4 in the morning. "So what do you want to talk about?" I tried to distract myself.

"I'm not sure. How is the song coming along?"

"I sent it to a friend, Perish Beats. He is good with producing and is adding some stuff, he wants credit if we use his version though."

"Yeah, that's fine."

"Cool." I was trying to think of things to continue the conversation, chewing my lip as I thought. I remembered what he had said early. "What did you mean when you said you couldn't sleep because of me?" I turned to him and his face was a bright red.

"Oh. That. Yeah. Uhm." He shifted up quickly to sit against his headboard. "I shouldn't, yeah I shouldn't have said that."

"What?" I laughed out. Him being flustered was cute. "Why? What did you mean?" I fixed myself to sit next to him against the head broad as well.

"No. I can't say. It was a lapse in judgment from being tired."

I grabbed his arm and shook. "No, tell me!"

"I..." He put his hand on my knee. It felt good. "Is this okay?" I nodded. "Sorry. I don't want to break your boundaries."

"We don't need boundaries, Clay." Please touch me more.

"The reason why I couldn't sleep is that you're always on my mind. And I get..." He trailed off.

"Horny?" I answered for him. That's when he realized I was teasing him and knew exactly what he meant.

"Oh come on. You knew what it meant?" I laughed and nodded. He slowly dragged his fingers up my inner thigh, leaving imaginary lines from his nails. He never broke eye contact with me. He stopped at the top of my thigh right before my opening and squeezed. Stupid pants in the way. His green eyes turned darker and he licked his bottom lip. "Can I kiss you?"

My heart fluttered as the words left his mouth. His voice was deep and rich. I could feel the pressure start between my legs. "Yes." I whispered, afraid to break the tension. His right hand shot to my face and gripped my cheek as he leaned down to meet my lips. The first one was softer than anything I've felt like he was scared to break me. The second was hard. He pulled me onto his lap, making me straddle him without leaving my lips. He licked my bottom lip telling me to open it, I did. He gripped my thighs harder and deepened the kiss before he pulled back, letting us both breathe. I leaned my forehead against him as I panted. "That was my first kiss." I giggled nervously. His eyes widened and he smiled. I could feel him harden under me.

"Good." He went in for more, sucking on my tongue. He's so good. I put my hand on the back of his neck and pulled his hair, making him whimper in my mouth. It's like my body took control of my actions, my brain went blank. It was only him. His taste, smell, heat, sounds, touch. All of it was running through my head at once. I felt like I was high. I rolled my hips on him and his hands flew to grip my hips, moving me away from him. He fell out of the kiss and laid his head on my chest. "Oooh, don't do that Anja."

I gripped his chin and brought his face up to look at me. "Why?" I smiled innocently.

"I can't control myself with you. I want to absolutely destroy you."

"Good." I repeated what he said. He pulled my hips forward so I was sitting on top of his bulge and brought me back into the kiss. As he explored my mouth, he slid his hands from thighs up to grip my waist under my shirt. I rolled my hips on him again and he let out a soft moan. He rubbed his thumb up and down my stomach which made me tingle. I could feel myself dripping in my underwear. His hand found its way up my back to my bra and started playing with the band. I pulled my lips back and bit his lip, making his eyes roll to the back of his head. His other hand followed its pair up to help unclasp, but then I panicked.

Thoughts from when Adam touched me back in high school flooded my brain and I shoved myself off of Clay, almost falling off the bed in the process. He looked at me, confused and hurt.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry Clay." My hand flung over my mouth. "It was too much for me." He pulled back his legs to sit on them, then grabbed the hand from my mouth to help me sit up. Tears were pouring down my face. Fuck I hate crying. "I'm so sorry."

"Hey, Anja it's ok. I got ahead of myself. You shouldn't be the one apologizing." He caressed my fingers.

"I thought I was ready. Really. But then you started to go for my bra and-."

He bought his other hand up and whipped the tears from my face. "It's okay. I'm not going to make you do anything you're not ready for. It can wait."

I nodded into his hand, kissing his wrist. He was softly smiling at me. I looked down at his lap and felt guilty again. "What are you going to do about that?" I pointed at his boner.

"I'll just go take a shower. No worries." He pulled my head forward and placed a small kiss on my forehead. "Lie down. Try to relax for a bit. I'll be back in a few minutes." He got up and left me alone in the bed. I curled myself into his covers and closed my eyes. This time when I closed my eyes, all I could think about was him. It was comforting. I fell asleep.