time has been flying by these past days. i can barely even remember what day it is. which, to be fair is probably due to the fact that i've been cowering inside and have been rejecting the thought of going outside. there was no actual reason for it, i just didn't feel like it.

currently, i was sitting upon cameron's bed with my phone in my hands, scrolling through social media. "audrey!" cameron shouts and comes running into the room. my eyes widen and i throw my phone at him in self defense. it missed him. cam's hands grab me and he pulls me off of the bed and tosses me over his shoulder. he was struggling to carry me. probably from all of the damn uber eats. racing down the stairs, his hands begin to slip and i became worried i was going to fall out of his grasp he sets me down onto the couch and points at me. "she's here," he huffed.

eden stood in the front of the room and was silently shaking her head at the sky scraper. "you could've just told me we were having a meeting?" i giggled and shook my head. fitz shrugged and sat beside me.

"it was better that way." i pinch him lightly and rest my head on his shoulder. "so, what were we called here for?" eden turned to fitz and sat down her beverage. matt was currently gone. he went on a trip to china just because he could. eric was on the other side of me. he looked absolutely exhausted. mason sat beside eric and was messing around with a rubik's cube.

"so, because of our recent outburst, the fans are having heart attack's and are very confused. i think that in our next podcast session that we need to all address the events that have been taking place." eden's plan made me laugh a little. just because the fans are a little pissy means we have to share information that was private?

"what if there is certain stuff we don't wanna spill?" i inquire and saw he shrug her shoulders. "i'm not prepared to tell the fans everything that has been going on." cam placed his hand on my thigh and gazed into my eyes to show reassurance.

"than we will wait on your part," cameron tried to negotiate with eden without actually talking straight at her. eden just shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest.

"i honestly think that if you tell your followers they will be understanding. they want someone they can relate to. someone with depression and anxiety that somehow fights over it will give them home, aud. i think it'll be better on your part if you did explain vaguely on what's been going on in your life." she talked so calmly that it made me want to give in. "just think about it, okay? i'm not pushing you into it. i'm not like that." nodding, i purse my lips and hold onto cam's arm.

-

walking into the studio, i saw the others already gathered around the wooden table that was decorated with mics and water bottles. setting down my bag, i scurry over to sit in between eric and mason. "you guys ready?" fitz questioned and started up the podcast once we all nodded or gave him a thumbs up. "hey," he says with a very soft voice. "welcome back, we're glad you're here." he went on to introduce everyone except for matt since he was still in china or something. i don't know where he went exactly because i don't pay attention. "rated 5 stars on itunes by sugerpapi. they say: this podcast helps worsen my depression." cam chuckled lightly and shook his head.

"speaking of depression..." mason trailed off without realizing that we weren't getting into the topic until later. "i think our whole group has been a little break because of it." eden hummed into her mic and smacked her lips.

"anyone care to explain?" cameron tried to exile the tension and gestured to all of us. peering over to mason, i tried to give him the most awkward dissatisfied face. "i mean, talking about it could help get through it."

"why don't we just go in a circle? start with fitz and then just go clockwise." eden suggested and looked over to me and eric.

"okay," cameron started. "recently i've been having a rough time with my family and girlfriend." everyone tried their hardest not to look at me since we were recording this live as well. i set my hands flat on the table and watch as cam does the same. "i just haven't had the greatest time since there's been a lot of arguing going on and a lot of miscommunication."

"right," eden comments.

"plus, there's bunches of things i keep inside of my head that are also taunting me, yet i don't ever speak them."

"and-and i think that's normal, is it not? i mean, we all have dark thoughts in our head that pull us down, but we somehow push through it." eric adds and pulls off his giant helmet. "being a social entertainer that is well known is harsh sometimes. there's a lot that goes on behind the scenes."

"mhm. i just think that-that on of the reasons we have friends is so they can heal us when we feel down, ya know? but sometimes we-we feel like a burden if we are constantly dumping everything on them." i sighed and rubbed my face.

"go ahead, eden," cameron turns to look at her after the room was filled with silence.

"umm. recently i've been trying to work things out with my parents. ya know, they get old and don't remember everything anymore. things like your name or who you are," she sniffed. "so i've been taking that into consideration and have been spending time with my parents. little did i know that my mother was actually terribly ill."

"aww shit." i place my hand on hers and frown. "i'm so sorry, eden." she shakes her head and smiled softly.

"don't worry about it."

"so uh. ya. like fitz was saying, the thoughts that haunt us has to be one of the many things that-that makes me so exhausted all the time." swagger began to rub his hands together. "in all honesty, there's been a lot of shit going down these past two months and my fucking thoughts on top of it just made it a fuck ton worse." swagger was obviously way more upset with what i did than he ever led on. "dude, this one girl, like my favorite girl in the world, fucking decides she just wants to fucking leave and give us all a 3 minute warning? what the fuck? man i was pressed."

"she was a friend of us all, swags. i think that knowing that she was in such a horrible state as well made it feel even worse." fitz was a little irritated with the fact that swags was taking all of the heartache.

"true."

"in all seriousness, i'm not happy where i'm at right now." mason started but wasn't aware that fitz and swagger were still trapped in their own world.

"you just don't get it though, fitz. i didn't loved her like a girlfriend or anything, she was just somebody i felt like i needed to protect and like... make fun of but never actually mean it. i don't know really. she just was like a best friend that i felt actually needed me." swagger went on.

"-like i was-" zuckles tried his hardest to get into the conversation but fitz and swagger were both having an argument that was highly inappropriate for their podcast. eden tried several times to break the two up, but they both just kept egging each other on. zuckles was tired of it and slipped away from the table. i watched as he walked out the door of the office with his head shaking. eden was too involved with the others to even notice.

"mason," i called out as i chased him out of the building. "what's up?" his eyes were red, which i knew wasn't from him smoking a couple cones earlier. "talk to me." i rub my hand up and down his arm and tried to show him i was here for him.

"i'm tired of being a joke to everyone," he admits. "i don't want to just be known as the idiot anymore. i do occasionally, but i don't want that to be my title anymore." he was so involved with his thoughts that it made me almost instantly feel saddened for him. "i don't know where to go to get away. i want to work on myself but it's difficult since i've always been this way, audrey. i don't know what to do."

"what about your moms? didn't you say she was always somewhere you could go if you ever became homeless?" bobbing his head, he began to inquire if it was a good idea.

"do you think i should leave, though?" he was anxious about telling the others since they didn't seem to care about it now. "i want a truthful answer."

"of course you should. mason, i know me leaving caused a whole tornado to ripple through the house, but it was because i was being a retard and very inconsiderate. however, the reason you are leaving is to actually to better yourself. you have a goal set for yourself and you are putting deep thought into it."

"thank you, audrey. i'm sorry." i pull him into a hug and kiss his cheek. there was nothing for him to apologize for. he's an angel half the time. "how should i tell the boys?"

"we'll work something out, okay?"

😡🥺