walking out of the ram from a dinner i paid half for, myles came out straight after me. his perfect hair bouncing lightly as he walked. nothing about him has changed from the last time I had seen him. he was still beautiful. "audrey," he sighed once he got closer. "i know you have someone. i know you love them. but-" reaching up, i go to kiss his cheek but he turns his head to connect our lips. at first i didn't even realize it, but when my brain clicked it together, i pulled away as fast as i could. "i missed you." he lifted my chin with his index finger and he kissed my forehead.

sitting in the hotel room, my thoughts began to be bombarded with the idea of going home. being here has shown me that everything isn't as stressful as it seems. which, in a way was what i needed all along. my phone began to ring and a no caller ID showed. "hello?"

the caller was my brother asking if i'd join him and my younger brother for lunch. i guess they saw my post about me being back from australia to visit.

-

family 😘

can you please respond to my dm?

idk you

omg cuties

mika looks so thrilled to be there lol

umm 😳

-

"mason, don't be so bitter." i scoffed as i listened to him and swagger converse about audrey. "i know there is no convincing swagger to change his mind, but seriously? she's a girl who handles her feelings way differently than we do? everyone has their own limits and you aren't fucking respecting that. so what? what she's doing is what you'd do? she feels things harsher than you. leave her alone already, damn."

"but it's fucking irritating-"

"no, you know what's fucking irritating? it's the both of you nagging all the time about your FRIEND. someone that you at least loved a little. what's irritating is that you're talking about someone who can't hear you, about someone who literally loves you. all i've heard was how i've been so naive in this situation, but have you ever thought about how fucking much of cunts you guys are being?" it was finally my turn to blow out my steam, both of them have been going on about it for the past week and i'm sick and tired of hearing their bullshit. "damn."

"just because you're obsessed with her doesn't mean she's perfect, fitz. and just because you love her doesn't mean we do too." fuck that. i know FOR A FACT they loved her like a best friend. i know they did.

"explain this to me, guys. mason, how come you insisted on inviting her to toby's celebration part? why did you chase after her on the beach when she was upset after her and i had an argument? why did you listen to her talk all those times if you truly didn't like her?" mason shrugged and tapped his foot on the ground. he knew i was right. "eric, how come you went over to her house that night you saw her run out crying? how come you went to her house to comfort her? why did you take her shopping the day of our date? why did you nickname her 'babe' ? how come?"

"dude," swagger sighed. they both knew what i said was right. they knew that they couldn't argue with me. i was in love with audrey and i wasn't going to let the boys shit all over her like that.

"it's inappropriate and gross. i'm sorry to say that, but it really is gross." matt comes marching down the stairs and points to me with his index finger while he looks over to mason and swagger.

"he's right. i've heard y'all talking crap on audrey more times than i could count. you're allowed to be upset with her for leaving, but like swagger said, it's only for a month. now you're all of a sudden against what you said? make up your damn mind!" for once in a couple years matt and i actually agreed on something. "audrey is a clueless girl and doesn't understand half of the stuff she does. leave her alone."

"but it doesn't justify for her actions!" swagger adds in.

"you're right, it doesn't! but she doesn't fucking understand. i know you're pissed off, but she doesn't fucking understand that. i mean, she knows you're mad, she knows your disappointed, but do you think talking mad shit is going to fix anything?" listening to matt made me realize that he had so many thoughts he's been keeping inside of his mind this whole time.

"no," mason says. "but it makes me feel better when i get the anger out." swagger turned to mason and narrowed his eyebrows. "she hurt me, guys. fitz, you were right. i love her. she's a good friend. her basically telling all of us that we made her depressed and unhappy fucking sucks dude. because i'm so confused it just makes me feel better to pin everything on her."

"sure." swagger points to mason and chuckled deeply. "like he said, i do love her. but she's an idiot sometimes. i'm allowed to be pissed off."

"but talking shit isn't going to fucking fix anything, swagger. nothing. absolutely nothing." matt shook his head. "so everyone should shut the fuck up about it and move on. she'll be back."

-

staring at the white gated building in front of me, i bit my lip and tried my hardest to fight past all of the trepidation. "fuck," i sighed. the yelling inside was getting louder. this is exactly why i didn't want to be here. i couldn't stand that i was the reason they fought so much.

"shut he fuck up about it and move on. she'll be back." one demanded. i slip the key into the door and heard two others add onto it.

"my heart hurts, matt how am i supposed to just get over it?" swaggers deep voice was an obvious tell sign. i twist the handle and open the door to see the group of boys sitting around the couch and island in the kitchen. "oh fuck."

cameron sat on the couch with a bag of chips. his eyes were glued to me as i just stood their with wide eyes. "we gotta talk."

we all sat around the kitchen table with our arms upon it. most were crossed but some were fiddling with their other hands. "i wanted to apologize for leaving on such short notice." everyone just stayed silent. "and i wanted you guys to know that i absolutely despise apologies, so this is the most sincere thing i could ever say. when i said that i was leaving because of my mood being so low, i didn't mean for it to offend any of you. i'm aware it did, but it wasn't my intention at all."

"you hate apologies?" eric chuckled and shook his head. i couldn't let his comments get to me yet.

"i love you guys. you know that! no matter what i always will because you're my family. you're my whole reason to even stay in australia." i sniffed and felt my hands shaking far worse than i expected. "when i was in oregon i realized that it was stupid of me to leave. i should have stayed and told you guys how i felt. i shouldn't have ran. you guys are here to support me, to help me when i feel like that. but instead of noticing that, i ran away because i was afraid."

"of what? that we would reject your or something?" swagger asked and narrowed his eyebrows. "audrey, what have we done to make you feel like that? i've always been there when you needed me?"

"i know, eric. i'm so grateful for that. i don't know what i was afraid of, but it was an 'in the moment' decision i made. i'm aware that you guys have all been aggravated about me going. i understand that. i can agree with you. i've just always been that way though. i've always been clueless and dumb. always. matt knows that."

"yup," he sighed.

"hell, you all know that but don't want to admit to it. i know that my words won't make you happy, but i just wanted to tell you that i'm SO SO SO sorry for my mistake. honestly. also, i'm here if you need to yell at me, because that's what i deserve."

"dammit, audrey. you don't deserve it. you just deserve to feel the heartache you left us with." mason admits and points to me. "usually i wouldn't speak for all of us, but i know that all of us were aching when you left."

"i know."

"it's also that we felt like absolute shit because we thought we made you leave," swagger adds.

for the rest of the next hour, the boys explained how i caused them to feel when i left. all except for cameron. he stayed silent for the whole time which made me feel empty for some reason. cameron was heading up to bed, but i followed him back to his room. "can we please talk, cameron?" shaking his head, he allowed me in even though he didn't want to. i sat in his desk chair and let him lay in his bed. "what do you need to hear from me?"

"that you leaving didn't have anything to do with me." looking to the floor, i knew i couldn't say that. i couldn't lie to him even though it's what he wanted to hear. "i know you might think that i hate you or something, but i don't. i'm just a little confused."

"baby-"

"don't."

"cameron," i sniff. "i love you. forever" he turned to me and exhaled. "i know i said that we were moving to fast, but i didn't mean it. not now at least." i crawl beside him on the bed and lay on my back. "i don't think anyone has ever made me cry as much as you have." that wasn't a good thing to admit to. "every time i felt like i wasn't enough i cried. i felt like that you deserved better and that i don't deserve you...

"think of it like i've been thinking. my whole past has been filled with heartbreak and now that i found someone that is actually worth it, i felt like i wasn't good enough to have it. somehow you fixed that. you healed my heart."

"babe, you're everything I could have asked for. i'm a dick and don't even deserve to have my dumbass friends. and to be frank, i was the first one who thought i wasn't enough."

"true."

"but i want to tell you, from the bottom of my heart, that i will never love someone so deeply as i love you."

and for once in the last month, i smiled from ear to ear.