sitting by the poolside, i listened to the distant chatter behind me. cam was here again, deciding to visit matt and i. he comes every couple months to see us, says matt is like a brother to him. which was nice. when cam was here i felt at peace. it was almost as if he calmed matt down from his constant state of worry.

me and matt have been together for three painfully long years. i'm still struggling to get through school whilst matt is working to pay our rent. we decided since we have been dating for so long, we would get an apartment to share. of course our parents were hesitant at first, but we persuaded them into the idea.

the size of our place is decent, since it's just us it didn't have to be huge. we shared a bedroom and had one bathroom to share as well. it's been okay... we've been late but somehow we are still living here.

"yeah, i didn't know this would be so fucking difficult." matt chuckled dryly, holding a glass in his calloused hand. "life is fucked."

"you're just now realizing this?" cam shook his head and drank from his own cup. they stood for a couple seconds in irritation. the two boys had been going at it before, talking about something i'm not allowed to budge in on.

"audrey, refill." matt ordered. my smile paved itself across my face. i loved it when he asked me to do things for him, it made my heart content. i felt like i was wanted, like i was needed. standing, i grab the pitcher of lemonade and walk over to them, pouring the liquid to fill their cups.

cam looked to me, a sparkle in his eyes as he inspected my yellow swimsuit. his head shook as he set down his glass, grabbing the pitcher from my hands. "i can pour it myself." cam chuckled softly, pouring his drink for himself. matt turned to him and shrugged his shoulders as he sipped his drink.

they went on to their normal conversation as i walk back to the poolside.

this singular moment created the most powerful feeling to course through me. the most tear wrenching and stomach churning.

-

later that night, the boys and i sat around the tv, watching some dude play a video game. i was zoning out, focusing on the pain my stomach was ensuing. the long and drawn out word reached my ears. the word nobody should really say but they often do. a racist word that i myself do not use. "are you serious?" i question, looking to matt after i heard him pronounce the word with a very hard ending. it wasn't like him to say something so profound, usually he would scold anyone who would have said it.

"calm down." matt chuckled, raising his hand to dismiss my fury. "it was a joke."

"matt, that isn't a joke. not to me at least." i seethe, standing from the cushioned couch. "you are so inconsiderate sometimes! do you not realize how you might affect someone else?"

"audrey, stop! damn. just go to your room. plus, you're half anyway. you're not full." i wanted to punch him so hard that i knocked his teeth out, i wanted to slam my palm against his ear so deep that i knock out his hearing. "did you understand me?"

"that's why i don't fucking say it." gritting my teeth, i pull the blanket around my shoulders and stomp to our bedroom. i slam the door and knock off a lamp on his bedside table.

it wasn't even the fact that he said such a horrible word, it was the fact that he yelled at me for being offended, that he yelled at me and treated me like a child. i fell onto the bed and screamed into the comforter, wishing my happiness back.

why was today the only time i've ever felt so sickened by matt? it was as if he disrespected my parents, or kicked me out of my own home. it felt like when your best friend made out with your boyfriend. damn, i really couldn't explain this heart breaking feeling, but if i could, it would be uncomfortable to listen to.

after about a half an hour, a gentle tap found my back, jolting me awake. "huh?" i question, sitting up to see cam. "what? what do you want?" we haven't talked all that much, but we were on good terms i would say.

"here." he sighed, laying down a black bag full of goodies. "chocolate, and some alcoholic beverages." he said so matter o' factly. "and a teddy that i bought for myself."

"no way. that thing is mine. i'm yoinking it." he shook his head and pulled it up to his chest, snuggling it as he watched me unwrap the chocolate candy bar.

"thanks." i sigh, biting into the treat. "i haven't felt like myself recently." confessing to my feelings made me feel a little better, but i knew cameron wasn't the best person to be selling my feelings to.

"i get it. well... not really, i've felt my own explanation of not feeling like yourself, but we are all different. so i only have an idea of what you're going through." he paused, chugging his beer. he looked like he was in deep thought. "i know matt is a dick sometimes. and he'll make you do silly things for him... that really aren't needed. but deep down, i know how much you mean to him. plus, if he didn't appreciate you somewhat, i would be kicking his ass right now."

"i just don't see it. i don't what you see. i don't see the loving matt you do. he's changed a lot. i'm not his girlfriend anymore. i'm his friend. i'm someone he doesn't like to confide in. he thinks i'm just here to sit pretty." biting my lower lip, i start to feel my fingernails dig into my bare legs.

"trust me, you mean the world to him."

packing up the car, my eyes search over the campsite, finding cam and mason to be fooling around like normal. my hands grip the soft teddy in my arms, taking in the smell that was oh so nostalgic.

i'm still thinking of an example of how i felt that night in july. it felt as if someone had shot straight through my heart. or i guess you could say, just shot me in general.

i watch as cam approaches me, a slick smile across his pallid face. "hey," i greet him with my own grin.

"nice teddy."