Seeing him again was heartbreaking.

I knew this would happen when we'd debut, that i might see him during his promotions but i just ignored it.

Right now i'm wondering why didn't i mentally prepar myself for this incounter?

Seeing him and his face again was a bittersweet moment.

I missed him so fucking much, his voice , his touch, his love. But then i remebered all of that was fake and just for money.

Sweet because i loved having someone to actually care for me, bitter because it was all lies.

But to be honest if it wasn't for him then i would never have been so motivated to become an idol.

His heartbreak made me stronger and more devoted to my work.

Most people would stay in their rooms crying but not me.

I'm different. I always was and i always will be.

Life taught me to take all that pain and turn it into motivation and make myself stronger.

Crying wasn't in my dictionary and never will be. Crying is a weakness and i don't like having weaknesses.

Crying makes me look pathetic and i'm not pathetic. I'm strong and independant.

After such pain as that, depending on people is something i don't like. It scares me to date again or to be too dependant on people, even my members.

After everything i went through, by getting bullied for nearly all my life and being used by the one man i trusted, being vulnerable, weak, pathetic and a crybaby wasn't on my list.

This hurt was my motivation to show all those people that i can do better than they can. To show all those people that i can change and to show them that they have no power over me anymore.

And look were i am now. Sometimes even my fellow trainies would say for me to just give up but i didn't. I worked harder and everytime they were left impressed and amazed.

No one knows the real Son SeungWan under all those smiles. And i like it that way.

I've changed and i will keep on changing and improve.

But this man right here. Everytime i look in his eyes it feels as though i have been x-rayed and completely exposed for him to see.

The feeling gives me shivers and i hate that i can't control myself when i'm around him.

It scares me just much power he has over and it scares me how much of me he can control.

Everytime i look at him, all i wish was that we could still be together, that he actually loved me and that we could in each others arms right now.

But no.

Not after all he has done and not after how much hurt and pain he caused.

He didn't even come after me after that to explain or just apologizing. It gave a good enough impression that he never liked me and that i was just a toy for him to play with.

Sitting in that room with him ever so close to me was absolute torture.

He was so close yet so far. There were moments whe i nearly went up to talk to him but i controlled those emotions.

No one controls Son Seungwan.

I kept my place and tried my best to not glance at him and ignore him.

I felt his gazes and stares but i just ignored. He doesn't deserve my love and affection and he never will.

At one point i could see him approching me and wanting to talk but thankgod out manager came and said we had to start will our rehersals.

I happily moved far away from him and was the first to exit the room feeling like i was just set free from prison.

"Joohyun-unnie you and Namjoon oppa seemed really close, have you met him before?" asked our maknae in a teasing tone.

"No it's just we have alot i common, plus it's nice to have someone who understands you" she replied as the two girls gave a reply of wiggaling their eyebrows and making kissing noises.

"Leave your unnie alone, we have rehersal" i replied to help out my fellow member but i ended up being the target next.

"Oh sush Wendy-unnie, did you see how Hoseok oppa was just all over you? He couldn't stop staring" Seulgi said.

Hmm. I never really thought about it. I was too focused on Yoongi to notice his admiration for me.

He did seem to like and admire me alot but i hope it isn't more than just a friendly affection.

I've had enough of these boys.

I need a break after this.