There was a feeling that rose up in her chest, a sink or swim type of moment that felt like fingers clawing just underneath her skin threatening to tear her apart because he was standing there, so regal and beautiful, clothes swapped for something she had never wanted to see on him, and her, standing in one of his sweaters playing with the sleeves as a silly dressed brushed against her thighs, terribly bare and the appearance of innocence not suited for a place like this. 

Finnick had always been this being that knew exactly how wonderful he looked, like a golden god, and Terra had always felt like this dark encroaching thing that burst into his unattainable bubble, but in those dark soldier clothes, his trident strapped to his back, it felt as though they had swapped places and she had stolen his light. She wanted to tear it apart, rip those tainting clothes from his skin before they could mark his soul as hers had been. Playing a role you weren't meant to fill for the agenda of others was never going to turn out well, Terra could have told everyone as much. 

She followed him closely, eyes peeled to his facial expressions and every involuntary twitch. They had been honeymooning when they came to get him, tucked into some distant house on the beach. Not District 4, not anywhere she recognized, with a few volunteer soldiers hanging around to keep watch. They had said Finnick was needed for propos. They had said that it was to lift the morale of the soldiers. She hadn't realized exactly what they meant until they showed up at some military base with Katniss and Gale wearing similar suits. She should have known that she wasn't allowed to have anything good stay. 

At least they had allowed her to come here to say her goodbyes instead of forcing them to split early. Terra couldn't bear to be shoved back into that underground hell, not when he wasn't there. This way she could have an idea of who would be with him. 

"This is what you would have used," someone comments at her side, gesturing to a few weapons set carefully on a crate. "Beetee was overzealous with his ideas and wanted to build them even if he knew you wouldn't be using them." 

Shooting a glance back at Finnick finding his attention focused wholly on Katniss and some other lady, Terra approached the table with an eagerness that she couldn't quite describe. The man that she now recognized as Boggs waved off a few people that were unloading other supplies leaving room for her to go on alone. 

Coiled into a tight circle was a magnificent whip, something that reminded her somewhat of the one she had received in the arena, but as she looked closer she could see the changes that Beetee had made. Terra didn't dare touch it, her hands shook just at the thought, but she knelt down near it, observing the handle as closely as she dared. There were two panels that would have sat perfectly under the touch of her fingers, little things that would have been easily pushed up out of the way in the heat of the moment - a little slip of the hand, a shift of pressure, it would have been as easy as a twitch of a muscle. 

Her curiosity won out in the end and Terra reached forward, ignoring the tremor that ran through her and the way her breath caught as she gripped the smooth leather, and pressed on one of the panels, the one indicated with a few bumps. There was a click, a shift in the handle, and from the end sprung a dagger sized spike. 

"Woah," she breathes, turning her wrist to get a better look, and the tail unravelled to the floor with a small thud. 

"You can test it out if you want," Boggs tells her, gesturing to the space that he had knowingly cleared for her. 

Nodding, she inched away from his and tested the change of the weight in her hand, flicking her wrist and softly and watching as the length moved along the ground. Grinning despite herself, Terra lashed out at the air in front of her and the tail flicked forward with an echoing snap. She didn't have the strength that she once did, and Terra didn't know if she ever would again, but she knew the motions, her muscles remembered what they were trained to do. She worked the whip this way and that, smiling brightly at the feeling of freedom it gave her, relaxing her more than she had been on her own since before this had all began. 

With each slash through the air, she felt like it was forcing pieces of herself back into place, fitting them together again if only briefly. Terra shifted her fingers, recalling the dagger as small spikes appeared along the length of the tail, scratching the ground as it brushed over briefly.

"I don't envy whoever is at the receiving end of that," Finnick comments loudly and she laughs, ceasing her movements as she turns to face him.

She adjusts the grip of her hand, leaving the whip looking normal as she twists her wrist and wraps it around her forearm.

"I wouldn't want to be in lashing range in general," Katniss adds. "She can use it a lot better than the peacekeepers for sure."

"I learned when I was still pretty young, before reaping age. It's necessary to be pretty good if you're going to be using a whip," she admits. "You want to make it hit near the animals to move them, but not actually hit them. Only bad rangers actually hit their cattle."

"You didn't hit anything?"

"Sometimes you would get a wolf or two, those were always free game."

"Your fence was never on either?" Katniss asks. 

"They just always managed to find a way in no matter what we did to stop them-" she shrugs- "Plus, it's free meat if you kill them. It's not very good, but not everyone can afford actual meat despite it being our produce."

"I've never tried wolf," Gale comments. "Didn't really see them."

"We had a few foxes, those were the ones I'd find most often, but sometimes there would be bigger sharp tooth animals that get in," Terra says in a silly way, hoping to lead the conversation somewhere else because she was growing uncomfortable, an itch rising up in her chest that she couldn't quite bat away no matter how hard she tried.

She couldn't blame them, it wasn't their fault she had issues that persisted beyond what they could handle when they had their own demons to fight. And really, this couldn't be easy for anyone, talking about their homes knowing they couldn't return. District 12 was gone and District 10 hadn't been her home for a while, and while 4 might be where she was willing to lay her future, she couldn't think about it just yet with how far off and unattainable it seemed right now. The future truly looked bleak in Terra's eyes.

A hand wrapped around her elbow gently, and she met his eyes, love bursting uncontrollably in her chest at the sight of them crinkled around the edges in an easy smile. Finnick was going to be the death of her. 

"You seem happy," he remarks, and she nods, leaning into his touch. He lifts a hand to cup her cheek, brushing a tempting thumb over her skin leaving a trail of heat and tingles in its wake. 

Terra smiles. "Tremendously." 

Finnick nods, biting his lips he presses a brief kiss to her hairline. "I don't want to leave you." 

"I know." 

"They didn't give me a choice." 

"I know." 

He wraps an arm around her, fisting the back of her dress in a tight fist as he holds her close. "I'm worried, my heart." 

"Don't say that. I have faith in you. I know you'll always come back to me," she whispers, tracing her finger over any exposed skin she could reach. "Besides, don't jinx it by being negative, darling. Never go into battle with doubt."

"I don't feel right leaving you." 

"Do you want me to come?" Terra whispers. "I can sneak away like Katniss had." 

"No. No, I want you to stay where it's safe," he whispers urgently. "I know that you don't like Coin, but just do what she says. Try to stay away from everyone else."

''I know, Fin, don't worry. I will be fine. Everything will be fine." 

"I can't help worrying."

She smiles tenderly, carding her fingers through his hair. It wasn't hard to understand how he thought of herself in place among District 13, how she wasn't there for the rescue that made them all a little more indebted to their saviours. Snow might have had a hand in shaping their views and beliefs but it didn't lessen the extent of her strong mind and opinions that made it easy to see how much she hate it here and the way that everything ran. 

Terra didn't return to them in as bad shape as Peeta had, but the damage was still there, creeping, and she could see how he might not want to leave her alone in a possibly volatile situation where she would become the aggressor. She couldn't fault anyone that logic after what had happened to Katniss, to Peeta. 

And as much as he didn't let it show, she knew that Finnick was scared that one day she would react the same. Terra was adamant that she wouldn't. She would rather die first. 

Feeling as though her thoughts were moving in a blinding, dizzying pattern, Terra took a deep, steadying breath, chasing away the darkening waves that were drowning her mind. 

"I'll stay safe," She allows. 

Finnick loving smile makes it feel as though everything is better, like her own personal medicine, and she takes in all dazzling, strikingly charming bits of. 

"I'll be home before you know it."

"I'll be waiting." 

He hesitates, pulling her tight to his chest and kissing her forward almost desperately, longingly before he lets go, moving to join the others with dragging steps that made her heart hurt with each inch he grew away from her.

Stupidly, she wondered if things would be better had she been left in the dark sitting in the hospital wing stealing drugs as Johanna had been. Terra could have stayed with doctors that fussed over her, with psychiatrists that would help to fix her brain. She wondered stupidly if they would have made Finnick leave if she was still sick -- or rather, still sick in comparison to the way she felt now. 

She would never give up the time she had spent with him, as little as it was, for anything. Not even to spare herself the sight of him getting into the hovercraft and flying away like a shot in the sky.

Staying to watch until the last minute, until they were nothing more than a speck on the horizon, Terra decided it was time to go back to the dark and dreary tunnels of 13, already forming plans in her mind to distract herself. 

Johanna and Annie, she would stick by there side. Peeta... she would help him, mend his memories, his mind -- the four of them. They were hers, hers to protect as best she could, Terra had decided that in their cages. She wouldn't let herself forget that now, not when they needed her. She had taken her break, had given herself the chance to be strong again, in any way she could, and now she would do the same for them, help them heal. 

They could fight for their cause, but Terra knows that no matter where she stood or what she did, she had already made history -- all Victors had wherever they stood. They were the ones that would never be forgotten, who would never forget the struggle for their life in a game that turned them into nothing but animals. 

No, Terra would let them have their fights and rebellions as they fought for freedom, but she was going to make sure the Victims could get a chance at the life they were promised as well. 

***

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unedited.

2019-06-18