Today 2:47 AM

I won't be at school today, you'll have to find another ride.

I was frozen in shock, still sitting in bed, staring at the text I was greeted with this morning. I couldn't believe it, this may have been worse than just being ignored. With shaking hands, I quickly pulled up Vera's contact, asking for a ride to school. Within seconds, she replied: Oh shit. Of course.

Slowly lowering my phone, I attempted even beginning to comprehend what this meant, but my mind was racing from Ethan just hates me now and is sick of my shit to what if something is seriously wrong? I just can't take it anymore. Seriously, I practically had a breakdown on the sidewalk in front of his house yesterday, which caused my face to grow hot just at the memory. The elderly man watering his rose bushes across the street probably thought I was a real pitiful display as well.

I was a complete wreck, and for once it wasn't completely due to my mental illness.

An ice cold shower shocked a little bit of life back into my system, but I still felt like I was walking around in a trance, completely unaware of my surroundings. I had put hand soap on my toothbrush, walked downstairs with my sweater on backwards, and discovered that I had forgotten to wash the shampoo out of my hair, really selling my level of stability to Mrs. Clarissa. Right when it actually counted. I knew she still harbored some reservations about my health due to yesterday's debacle and me storming out like an angsty teenager. Which, I guess that's technically reality now.

My appetite was completely destroyed, but I attempted to force down as much breakfast as I could, just to appease Mrs. Clarissa. She stood behind me with a spray bottle, attempting to comb out my sticky, matted hair. Mary was the only one talking, the rest of us were silent with an unspoken understanding of the delicate environment I had undoubtedly created.

"You're getting a ride from Vera?" Mrs. Clarissa questioned, craning her neck to see out the window facing the street.

"Um, yeah," I spluttered, glancing up as Vera's car rolled to a stop by the curb, rushing to gather my dishes and place them in the sink before grabbing my backpack and opening the door.

"Well, have a good day, Ivan," Mrs. Clarissa still stood by the table, fixing me with a calculated stare. I hurried out the door to Vera's car, not being able to bear that look for much longer. When I opened the door and slid into the passenger seat, I expected to be bombarded with questions, but Vera was quiet, greeting me good morning and beginning the drive to school.

"You okay?" She asked, sparing me a glance as we were stopped at a red light. I stared out at the road ahead, not really too sure myself.

"I don't think I know yet," I squinted against the sunlight, a grimace overtaking my face.

"What happened? Is Ethan ignoring you or something?" She asked, chewing on the inside of her lip slightly.

"Guess you could say that," I grumbled sadly, propping my elbow on the car door and placing my chin in the palm of my hand. "He told me this morning to straight up find another ride. It was very direct. I tried to apologize and talk, but. . ." I shook my head. "I don't know."

Vera perked up, looking at me again before nodding strongly. "You know what? You're damn right. The ball is in his court now, you tried to make things right and he's not willing to work it out, so that's on him. Fuck him."

My shoulders deflated slightly, covering my eyes with my hand. "Vera-"

"Block him! Who cares? He's going to realize sooner or later what he missed, and he'll come crawling back. Then you can be the one to be cold and uncaring, give him the same treatment he gave you." Vera was feasting off of her own energy, voice growing louder as she hyped herself up, and I knew she was trying to make me feel in control and empowered over the situation, but it only made me feel even worse.

"I'm not going to do that," I said quietly.

"Wha- why not!"

"Because it isn't really his fault, is it? He moved on, he got tired of waiting for me. I can't really blame him for that. I know how I am. I'm awkward, I don't have any experience with relationships, I know he gets frustrated with me because I'm not good with talking about my feelings, and-"

And my own mind tortures me.

"And I was just the first person he met in a new city. He's made other friends now. He doesn't need me anymore."

Admitting my fears out loud to Vera was like the knife that was stabbing in twisting in my chest had finally been yanked out. Vera took a deep breath, looking thoughtful as her eyes scanned the road.

"You really like him, don't you?" She said quietly, which coming from Vera, seemed to only add to the intensity of our conversation.

"Yeah," I swallowed thickly, squeezing my eyes shut. "It hurts so bad."

She looked at me sadly, reaching over to squeeze my shoulder quickly before retracting her hand and gripping the steering wheel. "I didn't realize how deeply you felt. I'm sorry."

I laughed bitterly. "Neither did I."

~

The day only became more surreal as I walked into statistics, Chloe's friends were crowded around her at her desk just a row behind me, squealing and hanging onto practically every word that left her mouth.

I sat down at my desk and started to pull out my notebook for class, when something one of Chloe's friends had said caught my attention. I tried to be subtle as I turned my head slightly to listen in on their conversation.

"I can't believe you actually had sex with him!" She gasped, mouth hanging open in surprise.

"I know! Ethan was so kind too, he was so nervous he would hurt me," Chloe sighed dreamily.

That was when my world completely fell apart. The chatter of the students suddenly became white noise, and my ears started to ring. I could feel my stomach drop, and my heart began to beat so painfully quick- it was as though someone had injected me with pure adrenaline. I could actually feel my heart breaking.

"Oh! Hey Ivan, have you seen Ethan-" Chloe began, but I had already slung my backpack over my shoulder, grabbed my notebook, and scrambled out of the classroom. I didn't know where to go, I couldn't even begin to think about anything comprehensible, thoughts were flying around in my head as I fled to the back doors of the school. I ran until I couldn't anymore, until my chest was heaving and I was forced to slump onto the curb in some neighborhood near the school. Hot tears were steaming down my face, and it felt so cathartic I couldn't help but just sit there and sob into my knees. It had been so long since I had been able to actually express my emotions, I almost wanted to savor the feeling of the hiccupping, painful breaths. I didn't understand why Ethan was acting this way, but at the same time, I completely did. I can never get excited, or show many facial expressions, or socialize like others, why would he want to stick around me? He has other friends now that can give Ethan everything that I never could.

The situation that I had gotten myself into was only beginning to dawn on me, but I still found it difficult to even give a shit anymore. The school will surely call Mrs. Clarissa and notify her of my absence from class, and I've guaranteed myself an emergency therapy visit. Or worse yet, due to my recent behavior, an inpatient stay.

I sincerely believed that I wasn't spiraling- but actually just going through teenage heartbreak. This was what I had wanted, right? I had never experienced this kind of sadness before, wandering around alone in the world, withdrawn from everyone. Was finally experiencing life as a teenager worth all this pain?

Drying my eyes, I pulled out my phone, searching for Mrs. Clarissa's contact through my blurred vision. Being alone was safe, and comfortable; no one could ever hurt me if I never let them get close to me. But I knew deep down, it was better this way.

Holding the phone to my ear, I bit my lip, staring down at my dirty converse.

"Ivan?" Mrs. Clarissa breathed on the other end of the line, worry and surprise seeping into her normally composed tone.

I chuckled sadly, sniffing as I replied:

"I really need a mom right now, not a caregiver. Can you do that for me, just this once?" I asked, my voice wavering pathetically.

The line was silent for a beat, before Mrs. Clarissa's voice filtered in once again, in the softest voice I had ever heard, "of course, sweetheart. Where are you?"

~

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