"Have a good night! Thanks for the ride!" Vera yelled, waving at Chloe and Ethan.

"You looked hot tonight, Vera!" Chloe yelled back through the open window, making me cringe at how loud the girls were being at almost ten thirty at night. Ethan just stared straight ahead through the windshield, showing no concern for waving goodbye to Vera and I. We watched the car slowly pull away from the curb, the thumping music becoming muffled as Chloe rolled up the passenger window, and the car soon became one with the surrounding darkness. Feeling a hand grip my shoulder, I could barely react as I was jerked around to face Vera.

"Okay, what the fuck happened?" Vera demanded, but I could only concentrate on the smeared red lipstick at the corner of her mouth. I shrugged, and Vera wrapped my suit jacket tighter around herself, shivering against the cold with a frustrated huff. "Well I'm not leaving until you spill, and I'd appreciate it if that could be sooner rather than later, because it's freezing tits out here."

"Vera, he was probably just tired. I am too," I mumbled pathetically, looking at her with pleading eyes. The voices were taking advantage of my exhaustion, slowly filtering in with their intense chatter.

"Oh no, that was easily the most tension between two people I have ever experienced, and my parents are divorced. That car ride was seriously dreadful," she pressed.

"You have such a way with words Vera, really making me feel better over here," I huffed in exasperation, toeing at the muddy lawn. "I got an attitude with him over Chloe, okay? I don't know what got over me, honestly."

"Hey," Vera whispered, bringing a hand to rest on my shoulder. Her tone suddenly became much softer, as if she was soothing a wounded animal. "You guys will figure it out, you're good friends. Like you said, we were all tired. We say stupid shit we don't mean, it happens."

"Yeah. . . I guess we will." I almost didn't believe the words coming from my own mouth.

Vera smiled, most of her mascara was now smudged under her eyes, but I still thought she looked beautiful. "Thanks for taking me, Ivan. I had a good time."

"Me too," I smiled tightly, watching her stumble across the lawn in her sparkly heels, then sliding into her beat up Volvo. I watched as she backed out of the driveway, waving pathetically as she drove off. I was left just standing in the middle of my front lawn, listening to the croaking of frogs in the distance and the conversations taking place in my own mind that I wasn't included in. I needed to start doing some serious damage control.

~

"Ivan! How was the dance? Let me just finish this, and then I want to hear all about it!" Mrs. Clarissa glanced at me over her shoulder as she fried up some bacon at the stove. I sat down quietly at the table, staring at the last text I sent to Ethan, as if that will suddenly make him text me back.

Yesterday 11:05 PM

Hey, I'm sorry. I was a real dick to you last night, can we talk?

I refused to admit it, but deep down, I knew he was ignoring me. Ethan had always been quick to text back, even at the latest hours. He would stay up and study late into the night, and still pick me up the next morning with a bright and cheery attitude, like clockwork. And in the end, all he got was me being a jealous asshole in return.

"Hey, phone away at the table please," Mrs. Clarissa frowned, setting down the plate of bacon. I sighed, closing my eyes and slipping it back into my pocket dejectedly. Benji stared at me with wide, curious eyes as he inhaled his oatmeal, and all I could do was stare at mine with an awful turning in my stomach. I could feel Mrs. Clarissa's eyes on me, so I attempted a smile to try and ease her nerves.

"So, how did everything go?" She asked, taking a sip of her tea, although her excited demeanour has now been completely stamped out. All due to me.

"It was fine, honestly. I'm just still a little overwhelmed," I said, shaking my head slightly.

You push everyone away

Not him. Please not him. I don't have the strength to deal with his cruelty.

She hummed in understanding, and I was surprised she seemed to actually buy my half-hearted explanation. However, I knew Mrs. Clarissa far too well, and could tell that this wasn't over. She will be keeping a watchful eye on me for the next few days, and I'll be practically trapped under a microscope.

"You remember to take your medication last night?" She suddenly asked, appearing nonchalant as she peeled a banana for Mary.

I furrowed my eyebrows, and stared up at her, noticing the slow rising of Benji's eyebrows out the corner of my eye.

"Of course, I never forget something like that," I say slowly, trying to keep my emotions under control. Her questioning of my ability to take care of myself was really starting to get under my skin.

No one trusts you

"Alright, I just wanted to make sure. Mistakes happen and that's okay. You had a little symptom flare up not that long ago, and I know you understand that it's important to stay on track with therapy and medication," Mrs. Clarissa leaned forward, eyebrows drawing low as her eyes fluttered around, no doubt taking in my body language.

I chuckled bitterly, shaking my head. I gripped the edge of the table and quickly stood, the legs of my chair screeching against the linoleum. I turned and started to walk towards the front door, hearing Mrs. Clarissa also get up from behind me.

"Ivan, why don't we go into the office and talk for a minute?" She offered, trying to be placating.

"No, I just want to go for a walk," I mutter, almost making it to the front door, before I felt Mrs. Clarissa grip my bicep in her hand. I turned my head, ready to shake her off, but the sympathetic look on her face was like a bucket of ice water was just thrown on me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, my anger quickly morphing into sadness, as my eyes met hers. "Ethan and I aren't on good terms right now. I'm okay, seriously. I really just need to settle my thoughts."

Mrs. Clarissa gave me a sad smile, dropping her hand from my arm and backing away from me. "I understand. Be safe, and please come back for something to eat within a couple of hours. I'm always here to talk. We all are about you."

I nodded, slipping out the front door and into the cool, fall morning. I couldn't help but start walking at a brisk pace, needing to burn through all this pent up energy. After spending so many years being alone, I quickly determined that I hated the feeling of being ignored. Guess I was finally getting a taste of my own medicine.

Ethan hates you.

"No he doesn't," I breathe with little conviction, scrunching my shoulders up to stave off the cold. I didn't know where I was going, I didn't care-

There was no where I could go to find peace. I was left to wander around aimlessly like a disgruntled spirit, in search of a place of belonging and always coming up empty handed.

I had that with Ethan. I had that, and I fucking blew it.

Ethan left you.

The man laughed maliciously, it's voice scratchy and deep like a heavy smoker's. I hated him the most.

Shut up stupid!

Where is he? He's dead to us.

Talk to him.

I began to walk faster, growing more agitated as the voices began to argue with each other. As much as I appreciated the brave little voice that sometimes came to bat for me, I really wished it would just be quiet right now. It's easier to just let the evil voice pummel me with insults than be a captive audience to two hallucinations arguing with each other about my life as though I'm not even there.

Talk to him.

You wouldn't. You're not brave enough.

Talk to him!

I skidded to a halt on the sidewalk, turning to look back at Ethan's house after I had unknowingly passed it. Ethan's car was sitting in the driveway, in place of where the family van was usually parked. Something struck me as odd about that arrangement, a strange feeling that I couldn't shake, but I had to try.

Rushing down the sidewalk, the masculine voice continued to yell and berate me, the sound now appearing to come less from inside my head and more like someone actually yelling from right next to me.

What are you doing? You can't talk to him! You're going to piss him off even more! Do you hear me you idiot? Listen to me!

I blinked, becoming aware of the fact that I was now just inches away from Ethan's door, my fist still curled at my side and shaking after pounding on the wood. This was a mistake. He's can't see me like this. He's going to know something is off if I'm hallucinating this badly right in front of him.

I started to back away from the door, staring at it in horror as if at any second it was going to swing open.

But it never did.

I was all the way back onto the sidewalk, nerves slowly dissipating as the more time passed and no one appeared.

That's what I wanted, right? I wanted to stay hidden even though I was dying on the inside, craving that ridiculous sunshine boy, wanting to feel the warmth and security his presence gave.

I threw myself down onto the concrete, pulling my legs up to my chest and burying my face in my knees.

You're all alone.

~

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