Warner had up in Thunderbay for five days and I was still on track in my recovery.

Proving Dr. Ivey wrong felt nice. Even though I know she wants us to succeed it still feels nice to know that I can be without Warner and be okay. I didn't just want to prove it to Dr. Ivey but to Warner too. I needed him to know that I could be okay without him and that he didn't need to worry so much.

That's not to say I didn't miss him. Especially when I spent most of my time with two couples. I suddenly felt bad for Adam who normally had to hang out with three couples and never complained once. I think he was glad to have me around without Warner.

Everything was fine until it wasn't

It started going downhill when Abby and Winston got into a huge fight earlier in the morning. The kind of fight you can't ignore because it takes place in your living room and ends with your best friend crying into your shoulder for a solid hour.

Abby still hasn't even told me what it was over, she just snuggled under my covers and asked if I could grab as much ice cream and junk food as I could from the store and bring it back for her. Being the good friend I am, I headed straight to the grocery store and piled as much junk food as I could into a cart.

However, when I got to the check out I froze because the one woman I didn't want to see while holding this much Ben and Jerry's was my mom. She is checking out a green juice and just looking at the drink makes me feel nauseous. It reminds me of the lowest time of my life.

She spots me before I can hide and her eyes go straight to the pile of junk food in my hands. Then her eyes drift down to my stomach and stay there before slowly going over my body like she is evaluating me.

I haven't seen her since the night in my dorm. Even after I was hospitalized she didn't visit. I don't expect her first words to me to be kind so when she walks over I prepare for the worst.

"I see that a few months go by without me and you are already packing the pounds back on. You might want to switch that out for some diet ice cream hun."

My entire face reddens. I know I have gained some weight since starting recovery, I was no longer a size zero but I wasn't fat...was I?

A cruel barb punctures the balloon of humiliation and shame that has been swelling inside ever since she spotted me.

I say nothing because I'm afraid if I try to talk I will cry. I may be able to stand up to Sierra but this was different. My mom has an effect on me that nobody else does and she knows my insecurities better than anyone else.

"I'm doing better actually. I have a therapist now and I am healthy." I manage to get the words out, picturing Dr. Ivey coaching me through this interaction. I glance towards the exit.

"Healthy? You look..." she makes a point to glance over my body, "Pudgy. Not healthy. I knew you would fall off track without me."

I open my mouth to reply, but words stick in the back of my throat, too strenuous to produce. Speaking takes strength that has eked away with my confidence. My bottled insecurities attack me like a parasite with no thought but to destroy me until I'm weakened, withered and dead.

"You shouldn't say stuff like that to me." I manage to choke out.

"Always the dramatics Juliet. Someone has to tell you about the noticeable weight gain, you'll thank me later on."

She walks away without another word and I check out the snacks mindlessly like a zombie just wanting to get back to my friends. I know who I want to call at this moment but I can't.

Normally I would talk to Warner and he would talk me down. He comforts me better than anyone else but he isn't here. Not only that but Dr. Ivey did say I should seek comfort from a friend.

I spend the entire way back to the dorm trying to push down my toxic thoughts. I keep looking down at my body every five seconds trying to see what my mom does. I have been working so hard on body neutrality but it's hard to practice at this moment. I only have hateful thoughts about myself.

I sigh at the phone. I am not doing good. My next appointment with Dr. Ivey isn't for another day and I am desperate to talk to someone. Abby is my first choice but she is so preoccupied with Winston that I don't want to be a burden. My next person would be Sarah but she is busy with exams and hasn't answered my texts.

Amy is busy planning the cheer routine for the semi-final game and the rest of my friends are males. I guess I could try to talk to Adam but I doubt he would be able to help much and he doesn't know the extent of my eating disorder like the others do.

And I can't text Warner about it because he comes home in a few days and I want to prove to myself that I am not dependent on him. I have proved for a whole week that I'm not, my mom was a spanner in the works. It wasn't fair. I was doing fine until she said those things to me.

When I get back to my room Abby is still in my bed and she looks miserable. I can't unload on her when she is going through her own stuff. So instead I push down the inner turmoil in my head and hand Abby her pint of Ben and Jerry's. I also pass her the multiple bags of chips, chocolate bars and cookies that I bought.

"Thank you so much Juliet you are a lifesaver. This will cure me." Abby sighs taking the spoon I grabbed to dig into the ice cream.

After a few bites, she gives me a look, "Aren't you going to dig in? I don't want to pig out alone!"

I watch her eating all of the junk food and suddenly feel sick. If I hadn't seen my mom I would've been eating right next to her but I can't bring myself to now. "I'm not hungry." I lie and she doesn't notice the pain I am hiding.

The pain of working hard for months to get better only to have my mom tear it all down in a second.

Suddenly my pants feel too tight and I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. Instead of letting the thoughts consume me I focus my energy on Abby and making her feel better. "So what did Winston do?"

"I love how you assume it's him who did something." Abby snorts.

"Well of course it's his fault, he is a man! Even if you did something horrible to him, I would back you one hundred percent. You are an innocent angel." I joke and she lets out a smile for the first time today.

Abby laughs into the ice cream but frowns at my empty hands. "Okay, seriously this isn't fun if I eat all of it alone. I demand you eat this junk with me. It's your role as my best friend."

Abby doesn't understand the impact of her words. That someone like me can't simply pig out on junk food and know when to stop. When I am like this, once I start I won't stop. But when my best friend looks at me with a pleading look that eating ice cream and chocolate with her is all that will help I lose the inner battle and grab a chocolate bar.

"Yay now let's watch a movie and let chocolate heal everything." Abby cheers and I get under the covers but the moment I bite into the chocolate I know I won't be able to stop eating.

_____

Abby is finally asleep and I am falling apart in the bed beside her trying to calculate all of the calories I just ate. The urge to get rid of it all in the bathroom is so overpowering I have to close my eyes and chant to myself.

"I am thirty-five days purge free," I whisper to myself on the verge of losing it.

Already packing the pounds back on.

I'm feeling too much. It's like a dam burst, and now I can't make my emotions stop flooding. I'm overwhelmed, and this ache just won't fucking quit. My head drops down, feeling my hair fall over my cheeks.

I feel so sick with myself.

You look Pudgy. Not healthy

My hands shoot over my mouth, suddenly tasting bile.

I beeline for the toilet door and push it open. Cold marble hits my knees as I fall forward, gripping the porcelain, trying to hold back my tears.

My rippled reflected stares back at me, eyes smudged with too much eye makeup, cheekbones hyper-defined. A tear streams down my face, bursting free, falling into the water, distorting my view.

"I hate you," I whisper to myself. "You deserve this."

My stomach begins to heave, contracting my muscles and forcing my breath to hold. I wretch so violently that my body lifts, trying to exorcise my own hatred. My knuckles turn white from the force I'm exerting to grip the seat as my stomach turns over again. Each time I heave, my moms' words play through my mind. Over and over, until no more comes out.

I needed to get it out of me. I was getting fat. My mom is the only one who tells me the truth about when I gain weight. I was going to gain all the weight back. I was turning back into Jiggly Juliet and nobody told me.

This time I dry heave so hard that my eyes burn, blinking back tears from before as I fall back onto the floor, shaking. My back is against the wall, hair blocking my face as I fight, trying not to cry anymore. I don't want to feel this. I won't survive it.

It's not till I empty my body of all of the food we ate that I realize what I have done. I just ruined a month of progress in one single moment. All of that hard work. Gone.

What the fuck did I just do?

My chest hurts as tears spill down my cheeks. I don't understand why I can't eat like a normal person. Why do I have to take everything to extremes? I press my palms to my eyes and cry harder. The situation feels too big for me. Everything seems too far out of my control.

I'm trying my hardest, but does it even matter anymore? I'm still hurting myself. When do I get a break? The tears pour full force now, my nose running, my eyes burning. This battle is a forever sort of thing.

On my hands and knees, I crawl into the bathtub, shivering a little as the air nips my bare legs and arms. Wearing nothing but cotton shorts and a tank. I sink against the porcelain and clutch my arms to my chest, curling into a ball. I physically try to hold myself together. But I still feel as though I'm breaking apart. Shattering. Into small insignificant pieces.

I'm so mad at myself.

Breathing hurts. Each inhale is like a knife stabbing into my ribs. I shudder against the cold tub and kiss my knees, shutting my eyes tight. I am losing my grasp on everything that has ever made me feel okay. All I can picture is how disappointed Dr. Ivey will be when she finds out, and how disappointed Warner will be. I'm basically confirming I can't function without him.

My head lolls to the side, drifting. My body feels heavy and my tears grow silent, but the pain in my chest intensifies. I'm not even sure what will make me feel better. Not Warner. Not Abby.

A sudden banging makes my heart jump out of my chest "Juliet!" Adam bangs on the door. "Come on out. You've been in there long enough."

I say nothing.

Fuck.

"Juliet! I'm not playing around. Open the fucking door."

Moments later, I hear the door unlock. I assume he grabbed a key from somewhere. Maybe from the RA in the building.

"Jesus Christ," he curses and kneels beside the bathtub. I blink slowly, still drifting. My cheek presses to the lip of the tub, but my arms are still wrapped around my chest. My last safety blanket is myself. Right now, that's not very reassuring.

I can't even be embarrassed because I'm just so tired and disappointed in myself. I feel bad for Adam that he has to deal with this. I would love to get up and go to my room so he doesn't have to but I can't get my body to move.

I listen to Adam's voice as he dials a number on his cell. "Dr. Ivey?" What? Warner must have given him my therapist's emergency line. "I'm Juliet Matthew's friend...I found her in a bathtub. She's unresponsive, and..." His usual calm voice falters just a little. It should pull me up from my stupor, but I am so, so very lost. I just need to return to my room somehow. I need to find a reason to get up. "...I'm worried about her. Can you talk to her for me?" He pauses. "I don't want to touch her, but I don't see blood. I don't think she hurt herself."

I wouldn't. Would I? No...

I feel the cold phone being pressed against my ear.

"Juliet?" Dr. Ivey's calm voice fills my head. "Can you hear me? What's wrong?"

Everything. This. I pray for strength, but it won't come. I want to stand, but my legs won't move. I need a reason to continue... "I'm sorry I woke you up," I barely whisper. The words burn my throat, and I shut my eyes as a couple of tears escape.

"Don't be sorry, Juliet. That's what my emergency line is for, okay? Can you talk to me? What happened?"

"I ran into my mom at the supermarket." I squeeze my eyes with two fingers. I'm so ashamed of what I am and what I did. How can I ever stop? It seems...like a mountain I have not been tasked or equipped to climb. "She saw me buying a bunch of junk food for Abby and she said I was pudgy..." I take a breath and avoid Adam's face, "She said I was packing on the pounds and to pick healthier ice cream."

"And then?"

"And then I didn't want to eat any but Abby said I should and then I lost control. And then my clothes felt tight and I felt sick. I had to get it out of me. I'm sorry." I hiccup and droop my head in shame.

There's silence on her end and then a question "What are you feeling?"

"Embarrassed."

A pause

"Tired. Ashamed. Upset."

"I'm so sorry that happened, Juliet. You're going through a lot right now," she tells me. "It's normal to feel these things, but you have to stay strong. Before you feel out of control, you need to talk to someone and tell them what's bothering you. It doesn't have to be me, but I'm always here."

"I'm sorry," I whisper into the phone.

"It's okay Juliet. You are talking to me, you are getting help. I told you there would be bad days, this is one of them okay?"

"Everything is going to be okay," she emphasizes. "I know it may not feel like that right now, but in time, everything will be okay. You have to start believing you can make it there."

"Okay."

"Okay, good. Can you give the phone back to your friend?"

Adam peels the phone from my ear and presses it to his own. I watch his face as he listens to Dr. Ivey. I can sit up now. Even if everything still hurts, I try to numb the pain with her encouragement. Be strong, Jules, Warner would tell me. I wipe the rest of my tears, imagining those last words. Praying that's what his response would be and not that he is disappointed in me.

"Yeah, I can do that," Adam nods, his eyes falling to the tiled floor. "He'll answer. Thanks so much. I really appreciate it. You have no idea." He hangs up the phone.

"I'm sorry," I say in a small, tired voice.

"It's okay Juliet. I wish you came to me, I'm your friend I would've helped. Please come to me next time this happens okay?" He leaves the room and comes back with a blanket to wrap me in.

He carries me to my room and places me on my bed still wrapped in the blanket burrito style but when he tries to make a call on his phone I stop him.

"Don't. Please don't call him." I groan. Knowing he is going to call Warner.

"Please you can't tell him. Promise me you won't tell him." I'm begging at this point and I know I am putting Adam in an uncomfortable position but he can't know.

I can't fail the task, I didn't fail it.

I'm not breaking down because Warner isn't here. I am breaking down because of my mom. Warner not being here is just icing on the cake. But nobody will believe that if I try to tell them.

"Juliet." He looks tortured but I can't let him call Warner. He is so busy with the police and his dad, we have almost made it through the week and I don't want to end it early. The worst of it is over.

"Please, Adam. I am trying really hard to do this without him, I need to do this without him for once. You can't tell him. I will tell him when he is back okay? I will tell you next time or Abby, I just can't keep relying on him. This won't happen again. You heard my therapist, there will be bad days." I remove my hand from the blanket burrito to hold onto his and the contact alone seems to influence him.

"Fine. But I'm bringing Abby in here and I'm telling her what happened instead."

I nod and a few minutes later Abby comes barrelling into my room. She throws her body over mine, engulfing me in a hug.

"I am so sorry Juliet. Why didn't you tell me? You listened to me complain about Winston. You listened to me complain about such petty things while you suffered in silence. Why didn't you say anything? That's what friends are for!"

I lose it again, being in her arms. Dr. Ivey was right. It didn't have to be Warner, I could find comfort and rely on my friends. So I break down in her arms.

"Juliet. It's okay I am here."

Abby is rubbing my arms. I look up into her eyes, trying to speak but all that comes is stuttered breaths followed by guttural sobs until all I'm doing is crying in sorrow.

"How do I stop feeling like this? Make it stop. Please. Take it away. I don't want to live like this Abby, I hate it."

"Shh. Shh. It's okay. I'm here Juliet."

I cry so hard, making sure I won't have any tears left. Abby's arms stay wrapped around my body as she sits on my bed, reminding me I'm not alone and keeping me from disappearing any deeper into myself.

We sit for what feels like hours and I wipe my eyes as Abby finally releases me. I lean forward to pull some tissues from my nightstand to wipe my face.

"No, here, let me," Abby whispers, tearing some off and folding it, wiping the sides of my mouth.

I grab her hand and take a breath,

"Thank you, Abby. I love you so much, I don't know many people who would do this."

She lowers the paper with the kindest eyes and smiles. "I'm just glad you are finally accepting my help and you deserve it, Juliet."

She walks me back to the bathroom and helps me stand and walk to the sink, where I brush my teeth and rinse. She stands behind me, catching my eyes as I look into the mirror, taking my hand and motioning toward my room. "Come on. Let's go to bed."

Abby walks me to my bed, helps me in and pulls the covers over me. "Do you want me to stay?"

"Yes. Please Stay."

The mattress dips and Abby gives my back a small pat for me to move over. I Scoot, making room for her, feeling her lay down and spoon my body. Her hand strokes my hair before she wraps an arm around me squeezing.

A week ago I would have refused help and suffered alone but I didn't tonight. I let someone other than Warner help me, and comfort me. Sure it took a mental breakdown and relapse to get here but at least something came out of it. I could get through this without Warner, I had a support system.

That had to count for something...right?

________

It takes me hours to shut off my brain and fall asleep, to stop the endless tracks where I bounce between justifying my actions and condemning them. I wake up groggy. I cried myself to sleep, and now my eyes are swollen and red, my head pounding. The whole previous night feels like a feverish, terrible nightmare.

I do a scan of the room and see that I have woken up to more than just Abby in my bed. It seems that at some point in the night both Amy and Sarah joined us in the bed. Even Adam and Winston joined, Adam asleep in my desk chair and Winston sprawled out on the ground with a pillow.

I think this was just one of those bad days that Dr. Ivey mentioned. It wasn't all over, I could get back to where I was.