I WOUND MY finger around a loose thread on my sweater absentmindedly. The dining room was warm, full of familiar faces, laughing and talking over turkey and mashed potatoes. With my free hand, I pushed around the food on my plate with my fork, not having much of an appetite.

Claire sat next to me, eyeing me curiously. "Are you gonna finish that?"

I flinched at her voice, accidentally pulling too hard on the thread and causing some of my sweater to unravel. "Go for it," I said, passing the plate to her. I'd barely taken a few bites.

"Really, I'm doing this for your benefit," she told me conspiratorially, leaning closer to my ear. "My mom will freak if she thinks you don't like the food."

My lips lifted in a knowing smile. "Well, tell her I enjoyed it very much."

"Will do." Claire paused, pursing her lips. "Look, I know I've asked you like a million times, and you hate it, but seriously, are you okay?"

It was true, she had asked me a million times, and that was just since I'd arrived at her house for Thanksgiving, it didn't account for every other time the past couple of weeks. And I did hate it. I didn't like making people worry about me, and I didn't like my answer.

But I decided to be honest this time. "Not really," I said simply. "I'm working on it, though."

She nodded, eyes softening. "That's a start."

"Actually, I think I'm going to duck out for a bit and get some air," I said, surprising myself. I hadn't intended on ditching my family gathering so early on, but I realized I needed to. I was trying to get better at recognizing what I needed. After completely misinterpreting my friendship with Ravi, and my own feelings, it was a necessity. "Save me a piece of pie?"

Claire raised her eyebrows. "No guarantees."

I laughed, pushing her shoulder amicably.

After excusing myself from the table, I crept toward the front door, quietly extracting my coat and purse from the closet, glancing over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. My eyes landed on Pop, who raised a gray eyebrow. But instead of saying anything, he mimed zipping his lips shut, and I mimicked him, feeling a swell of affection, before ducking out the door.

Cape Vincent was coated with a light dusting of snow, and the sky was gray and bright. My breath came out in a swirl in front of me as I headed to my car, sliding inside. I was only a couple days into Thanksgiving break but it already felt good to have some space from campus, despite all the work I had to do before I went back. For the past few weeks, I'd tried to compartmentalize everything with Will and push it to the back of my mind, and somehow, it had kind of worked.

But now that I had more time to myself, it was getting harder to ignore. My mind was full of the memory of our near-kiss, and it broke my heart a little more every time I thought about it. I was tired of running from my feelings, and I was starting to think that maybe I didn't need to, now that Sabrina was out of the picture. I didn't know if that made me a terrible person or not. Either way, regardless of the outcome, I realized that for the first time since everything happened, I genuinely wanted to tell him the truth. About everything. It was the only way to move forward, to heal. Whatever that looked like.

I turned on the radio, gliding through town with no particular destination in mind. As I drew nearer to Moody Beach, I could make out a familiar figure walking along the shore, and I slowed to a stop, my stomach twisting nervously. As if I had summoned Will by my line of thinking, he had materialized on the beach. It was almost comical. There went the universe, making decisions for me again.

I shifted my car into park on the side of the road, shutting it off, lingering for a moment as I watched him. He was walking aimlessly, hands stuck into the pockets of his jacket. I'd essentially avoided him since our brief conversation about him showing up at my house drunk. I hadn't known how to face him after what I heard from Sabrina.

It was time to be brave, to stop hiding.

My knee bounced anxiously, before I finally worked up the courage to exit the car. Will turned at the sound of my door slamming shut, though we were a fair distance away. He stilled at the sight of me, seemingly frozen, and I took in a deep breath, brushing my hair out of my face as I approached him.

I walked until we were a few feet away, a stretch of snow-covered sand between us, lifting my hand in a timid wave. "Hey," I greeted.

"Hey," he returned, confusion evident in his eyes, though he offered me the barest of smiles.

My foot slipped forward, and I wobbled for a moment, before feeling Will's hand clasp my elbow, righting me. It made a lump form in my throat. He released me once he was sure I was steady, and my arm immediately felt his absence.

"Thanks," I mumbled. Wrapping my arms around my torso tightly, I looked out at the water, unsure of where to go from here.

Will was the one to break the silence. "Shouldn't you be with your family?"

"I ditched," I admitted, gaze darting back to him sheepishly.

"Ah," he said, the smile looking a little more genuine. His stubble had grown darker and more pronounced since the last time I'd properly looked at him, and I knew his hair was getting longer than he liked. "I was with Duncan's family. . . I kind of ditched, too."

His eyes held mine captive for a few more beats, before I teased my bottom lip between my teeth. There was no point in beating around the bush anymore.

"I've been wanting to ask you something," I said, staring at the ground, still feeling his eyes on me. A tightness formed in my chest. "Why didn't you tell me you broke up with Sabrina?"

Will didn't speak, and I glanced up to see his reaction. His demeanor had changed, expression shuttering, posture stiffening. My desire to know his answer outweighed the regret I felt over asking the question.

Finally, he shook his head jerkily. "Why would I? You didn't even want me around as a friend. What difference would it have made?"

I exhaled, feeling stung. "You know that's not fair. I was trying to put distance between us out of respect for your relationship."

He pressed his lips together firmly, and I could tell he was biting down on the inside of his cheek. "Okay, if that's your reason this time, what was your reason for doing it a year and a half ago?"

I closed my eyes, turning away. I'd approached him with the intention of finally broaching this very topic, but I hadn't expected to be confronted by all the hurt so quickly, as if it was still fresh. It felt like I'd stepped back in time.

"I'm sorry," I murmured, lost for words.

"Please don't," he said, his voice low, and when I looked at him again, he was blinking rapidly. "I can't do this anymore. We've spent months dancing around it, but I can't keep going on like this."

"What do you mean?" I asked quietly.

"I love you, Viv." His voice broke, his eyes wide and earnest. Something cold gripped my heart, making a numbness spread to my extremities, and I felt like I was dreaming, too scared to breathe, as if it would shatter the illusion and bring me back to reality. "I never stopped. Frankly, I don't think I can."

Vaguely, I felt my bottom lip trembling as my vision began to blur. I felt the need to say something, but I could do little more than gape at him. "I. . ."

I love you, too.

"I'm so scared," he continued, eyebrows pulling together in a tortured expression. "I'm terrified of letting you get close again, but at the same time, I want to be near you, no matter the circumstance. I've been trying to fight it, and I'm exhausted. So the last thing I want to do is listen to you apologize, when I still don't know what you're apologizing for, when I don't know why. Why you waited so long to come back, why I had to see you for the first time again at Duncan's stupid party, why you even left me in the first place."

The longer he spoke, the quicker my breathing became. A cold breeze whipped my hair against my cheeks, and the tip of Will's nose had gone pink, his eyes rimmed with red. He stared at me expectantly, desperately, waiting for the words I'd been hiding from him all this time, and there was a part of me, the old me, that wanted to keep it inside. To keep protecting him from the truth. But I could feel everything I'd been holding back for the past year and a half bubbling to the surface until it finally broke free from the prison of my lips, bursting forth and hanging in the air.

"I was pregnant."

Three words that changed everything. It was silent for so long after that I wasn't even sure I'd actually spoken.

But all it took was one look at Will's face to know he'd heard them. His lips had parted, cheeks damp with fallen tears, eyes wide, expression slack. He stared at me, as if waiting for me to take it back, to change the story.

"What?" he breathed, like I'd knocked the wind out of him.

I fought to keep my voice even, struggling to get the words out at all. "I was pregnant, and I didn't tell you."

Time was suspended, and the beach was quiet, save for the dull crashing of the waves. Realization dawned on Will's face, and I could tell the weeks before our downfall were playing through his mind like a slideshow, the missing piece finally returned to the puzzle. He shook his head slowly, seemingly speechless. Then something else shifted in his expression, and his gaze fell to my stomach.

"Did you. . ." he trailed off, letting the loaded question hang between us. I wasn't sure how he intended to finish it, but there are only several outcomes of a pregnancy.

"I lost it," I said.

He exhaled sharply, looking dizzy. "Viv," he said, voice clogged with emotion. "I'm so sorry. Fuck. Why didn't you ever tell me?"

I'd been able to relatively keep it together until now, but the genuine concern and sincerity in his voice made me lose all composure. Still, I fought to keep the tears at bay. "I don't know," I choked out. "I thought it would ruin our lives. I thought you would want to keep it, that you'd resent me if I didn't. It would've changed everything. I was going to tell you eventually, when I felt ready, but then. . ."

Will stepped closer to me, his arms twitching at his sides as though he wanted to pull me into him.

"It was over, and I wasn't okay," I told him. "I didn't know how to be okay again. I didn't know how to be normal with you. I'd kept the secret for so long, it felt like it was too late. I wanted you to be happy. I thought you'd have a better chance if I let you go."

"I wish you'd told me," he whispered, a tear slipping down his cheek. "I wish you would've let me be there for you."

"I wish I would've, too," I admitted, wanting to reach up to brush away his tears.

"We were supposed to share those kinds of burdens," he said. "We were partners. I. . . I don't know what to think." His face had shuttered with hurt once more, and I felt it like a stab to my heart. "Vivienne, I'm so sorry you went through that alone," he continued. "I'm sorry I didn't figure it out for myself. But I just don't understand. . . we were always together. We talked about the future all the time. I don't know why you felt you couldn't trust me with this, or that I wouldn't let you make your own decision."

"It wasn't about trust," I protested vehemently. "I got so lost inside of my mind that I couldn't find my way out. I didn't want to ruin you."

He let out an exhale of disbelief, shaking his head. "I can't tell you how many times I've replayed that day, replayed our entire relationship, agonizing over what I did, what was wrong with me, what could've changed the way you felt about me so completely."

I hastily swiped a tear from my cheek with a trembling hand, sniffling. "Nothing changed the way I felt about you. I'm so sorry I let you think like that. There's never been anything wrong with you. The problem has always been me."

"No," he said firmly. "Don't say that. You're not a problem, Viv, you're—" He stopped short, dragging a hand over his face to compose himself. "Why didn't you tell me when you came back?"

"You'd moved on," I said, my voice small, lifting a shoulder helplessly. "You had Sabrina. I wanted to leave it all in the past, and avoid complicating things for you again. But it seems like that's all I did."

Will shook his head slowly again, defeated, expression unreadable. "I never moved on."

"I'm sorry," I whispered, "for breaking us."

His eyes welled again, and he took a step back, swallowing. "Look, I. . ." he started. "I need some time to process. I can't think clearly right now."

I nodded, shrinking into myself. "Okay."

He made to turn away, but then he stopped, lingering. Before I could register what was happening, he was pulling me into his chest, and I was blanketed by his familiar scent as his arms wrapped around me. I was breathless for a moment, before melting into the embrace, squeezing my eyes shut and looping my arms around his waist tightly. It'd been so long since I'd had this, had him, and my heart was pounding in my chest.

I'd yearned for this moment, to be comforted by him once he knew the truth, and it was as much of a relief as it was painful. Too soon, it ended, and he pulled back, both of our faces wet with tears.

"I'm going to think about this, okay?" he reiterated, struggling to keep his voice even. "I. . . I need some space. Thank you for telling me."

I swallowed hard as he stepped away, his gaze glued to mine for another moment, before he turned around, and the cold swooped in and enveloped me. I remained there long after he left, breathing hard, swirls of white still hovering in front of me.

But for the first time in what felt like forever, I wasn't on the verge of breaking. Instead, I felt like something was rebuilding itself inside of me.

---

the moment you've all been waiting for <3

i was going to try to finish this so i could enter it into the watty's before realizing it's not actually eligible since i started posting it in 2019. i am boo boo the fool. still want to finish soon though!!

i hope you enjoyed.