To Min Yoongi

How are you?

How the fuck are you?

Tell me because I've spent days and nights wondering if you're simply okay... If you're alive... Because we haven't talked in forever.

Anyway. I'm going to start this letter again, sorry.

I'm finding it hard to start your letter... Is it because it's the last letter or maybe because you're that meaningful to me? You've lost meaning in my life and yet writing this to you, for you, feels far too personal.

As I walk through the scattered yet turbulent crowds of people shopping, awakened for the Christmas season, a boy walks past, smelling exactly like you used to. It's the same boyish and provocative cologne that stuck to your blue, ashen hoodies which I'd close my eyes to appreciate. In high school, everyone always used to say to you- you smell so nice!

It makes me freeze as my chest tightens because there's so much that reminds me of you.

You were like tough music in the background, comfortable solitude, deep breaths of crisp air whenever you'd step out of the house, listening to ocean waves, the soft glow of moonlight in an overcast room that's strangely pleasant, modern loneliness, the gentle pitter-patter of rain on the roof, keeping a scruffy journal, halting but hopeful smiles and sunshine peeking through clouds after a storm.

You were my first love. My first relationship. Someone who fixed me yet broke me. How insane does that sound? How insane do I sound?

We went to school together ever since we were children, thrown into the education system. We went from learning how to read and learning the alphabet, to playing badminton, to falling in love with each other and lastly... Falling out of love with each other.

High school was a ghastly experience for both of us. It's a place we'd never come back to, yet a part of me is thankful for that institution. We wouldn't have become us. We wouldn't have become closer. We wouldn't have discovered our want for each other. We wouldn't have fallen in love.

Stainless, unbelievable love.

A love that I gave too much importance to, which made me waste away years, focusing on the wrong things and ideas. The expectations I had of love never lived up to reality.

We started dating in not so scary, tenth grade. You asked me to be yours in the summer before that, on my birthday and I said yes without hesitating at all because god, you made me feel welcome and exceptional. You made me feel like I deserved to be alive.

You came into my life and bombarded me with love when I needed it the most. I was struggling with depression, a mental illness that made me feel worthless, made me cry every night and made me crawl into a corner. I never knew where the depression came from, the reasons are still unclear.

We stayed a secret at school. You holding my hand under tables, you staring at me and me hiding my face, incredibly shy. I couldn't even make eye contact with you because everything was unfamiliar. Love was new to me. I guess my insecurity indicated to a lot of people that we were something more than friends. But then again, immature kids in school like to put labels on everyone. Labels that can afflict.

You got sick of my shyness and so did I but it was never intentional. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I always felt like I was the girlfriend you never asked for. You went into our relationship thinking I'd be some sort of prodigious gift. But was I? I don't think so.

Behind the scenes, we were a mundane couple about to fall in love, no idea what to expect. We believed in a forever at a young age, how simple-minded of us. We didn't even know it's definition.

You loved me throughout everything and I still don't understand why. You loved me when I couldn't love myself. What was that even like?

Messaging you was a priority. Waking up and sending you a good morning message was part of my daily routine. We'd talk and say we love each other every day. I couldn't go a minute without talking to you and now I know why my parents thought I was addicted to my phone, because of you, you, you.

In eleventh grade, a year after we started dating... We finally shared our first kiss. You had waited so long, and I was terrified because although I knew you'd have the title of my first kiss, I was fearful because I had never kissed anyone, I didn't know what to do, say or start. But you leaned in, making me follow your lead and I was glad I brushed my teeth an hour before you came. I knew I'd have my first kiss that day. Your soft lips met mine as we held on to each other tightly, finally knowing what it feels like to kiss someone you love more than anyone else.

We moved on from high school, relieved and ready to leave the impotent subjects, the restrictions, the suffocation, the toxic people, in the debased, never craving past. We still held onto each other- best friends that were lovers yet so much more. We were more in love than we had ever been, and we wanted to marry each other.

How naive! We saw a future with each other.

College started. The distance between us increased, physically and emotionally. Petty arguments and disagreements increased. Our love increased but it was less evident.

I would start to avoid my friends, not realising I wasn't really living because my phone held that much importance to me. The virtual world was becoming my reality. Although you were studying elsewhere... You were all I wanted, wow. Does that make you feel good?

Even though we lived ten minutes away from each other's houses, we never saw one another. We both never tried. Why did it feel like we were in a long-distance relationship? Is a question I had never asked you.

Your ex-girlfriend came into our relationship, along with an excessive bucket of jealousy that tipped over me every day. The girl that was your first. The girl you spent years with, had every experience with. Do you know how much it hurt to know you were spending more time with her than with me? Do you know how many nights I stayed awake, wondering why you were at her house, late at night and not replying to me? Do you know how it broke my bones, trying to fight for your attention with someone I didn't even know?

If we didn't have feelings for each other.

I was an innocent girl who got corrupted by love, the side of love no one tells you about. The side that has no mercy when throwing you to your bruised knees and it makes you forget the pleasant memories. Instead, it fills your mind with everything unfavourable.

Today I told a friend about us which was a surprise. I don't talk about you anymore. But it feels nice to talk about you sometimes, I don't do it a lot and I probably end up talking to myself. I cried a little and I ended up remembering a lot of little yet... Momentous things. It hurts because I had it all with you, I had everything set, a future and I was a better person. You made me better. You saved my life. You stopped me hating myself, harming myself.

Sadly, another thing I remembered is how much you hurt me with her. Her. I felt like I was in competition with her and you were supposed to be mine! So why did it feel like you were not mine? The ex-lover you seemed to spend more time with than me.

You hurt me.

But most importantly, you loved me, and you still do, despite it all. So, the good always overcomes the bad because you truly were my light in the darkness. Thank you.

I asked you to break up with me because I wasn't happy anymore. I was only deciding to do something we both needed. But you were so selfish. You didn't.

You wouldn't let me break up with you. I was trapped.

I can't help but think that one reason why you didn't let me go was that you knew that both of us know nothing about loving other people other than each other. Loving each other more than the world is all we knew.

That was wrong, we should've loved ourselves first. We gave so much of our love for our virulent relationship.

Couldn't you tell that I wasn't happy anymore?

So, I tried again, and I succeeded.

Months after, we talked and caught up, because we couldn't stay away, and I shared my sincere feelings. I was trying to comfort you because you wanted me back. You begged to have me back. You wouldn't give me the time and distance I needed.

I felt suffocated even after we had broken up because you were always there, tempting me. Also, your jealousy even after I left, terrified me.

After we broke up, I realised a lot of things. The emotional abuse of you scaring me with your jealousy, of you, controlling me and you checking my phone. I didn't even realise. I'm glad I know now because I'm aware of what I deserve and what I sure as hell don't.

I needed to learn how to be on my own, be independent, love me and focus on me. I wanted to love myself finally. The best decision I had ever made was breaking up with you because today I am my best self without you.

When we broke up for good, no one was there for me. I had to stand back up, lift myself from the cold ground and continue with life because life doesn't wait for anyone. My friends nodded and moved on, not caring that I just lost the most important person in my life after so many years.

So, I fought on my own. I got through the heartbreak alone. There was no one to help me except for myself and I am so thankful I decided to leave you because I became a better me, a stronger me who no longer hates the concept of love. I am a me that is prepared and knows she is good enough.

And I did it.

I felt bad because I had moved on and you hadn't. Even after years, you wanted me back and I wanted to stay away. You're not a villain in my story though. You have the title of my first love. Many memories of you still make me so merry. Like the longest hugs where you'd refuse to let go. Me sleeping on your shoulder in the car. Your eyes full of stories and our long conversations about the meaning of life in the darkness.

My favourite memory is when you came to my house. We were lying on the bed, comfortable in each other's presence. Just us two in this forgettable world.

My head was on your chest as you played with my hair. My arm wrapped around your waist as I hugged you securely. "I'm going to marry you." You told me, confidence in your deep voice as you looked at me and we made a promise to each other.

I'd be lying if I said I don't think about you anymore. I've thought about you a lot in the past month, even when I was far away from you, about us and what we had. About the way you treated me and the way I treated you. But the same love is never repeated. The same relationship is never repeated. We may all live in the same society, same world and same space but we all somehow love a little too much and a little too less.

If I wasn't so stubborn with the decision I made so long ago and content with the way life is right now whilst being single, then maybe I would have given in to you every time we spoke after midnight, when you'd tell me you want me back.

You remind me of sentimental objects and words. You would always act emotionless, but you'd melt in my arms. There was always a temptation to stay in bed during the daylight and stay awake until dawn. You made me appreciate midnight's and you'd find love in our silent moments.

I know a lot of people wouldn't understand. They'd question why I let someone who loved me more than anything, go. But we were so young, so obsessed at an age where we needed to be by ourselves.

I found myself wishing upon stars for a forever with you. It's now that I realise that a forever is non-existent and deceitful.

I've killed a lot of insects (even spiders!) Since I last talked to you. I hope you're happy wherever you are and that most importantly, you're okay.

We're friends now. Friends who were once each other's halves and still can't be alone together.

I miss you but I'm happy without you. It's taken me so long and I feel like I truly deserve this.

Thank you for the never-land.

I'm so glad I got off the seesaw.

Best wishes, Serenity