To Jeon Jungkook

You were the boy whose being was too wonderful.

You made me feel the way my favourite colour palette felt- pastel, merry, blooming colours of craven, blue and pink. You know how the sky looks early in the morning? Like that. Your eyes reminded me of honey, flicks of little treasures of gold whenever you smiled. Fuzzy lambs and soft animals made you more excited than anything. Your hair carrying flowers in twisted crowns, daisies tucked behind your ears as we laughed side by side and your hair smelt like vanilla in the wind. You were like peach daydreams, wanting to escape from reality and pretty words that you were too shy to send. Telling you my thoughts felt like confiding in the moon, waiting all day to be embraced by your long arms. You made me feel the sweetest kind of comfort.

I met you through Taehyung of course. You were the rabbit in the costume- Kooky. That became my nickname for you. Little did I know, inside that costume, you were hiding behind a mask, afraid to truly be you.

We started to spend time together due to you being best friends with my boyfriend. I never minded your presence. I don't think anyone did but you thought differently. You were always so reserved, placid and compassionate. You paid attention to people and the big wide world. I'd be eager to see the reflections of the world through your eyes. You made me laugh, actively listened to me, conversed in easy talks with me whenever you could and drove me to places if I ever needed a ride. A gentleman.

On the outside you were a polite, calm boy that did what people said, always smiling and... You fascinated me. I wanted to know more about you, what you were really like. What you thought of the future, were you a turbulent tempest inside? What was the real Jungkook like? Was he like me?

It's crazy how I got the answer to that question in an unexpected way.

I caught Taehyung cheating on me. So, I stormed away, bumping into you and you offered to go back to your apartment.

I followed you, a figure dressed in all black with the edge of red of your beanie. I'd been at yours before. We had spent time together in the past, watching droll yet interesting YouTube videos or helping each other with university work. But there was a certain tension in the air, a sign that maybe something was going to happen soon.

Something pleasant yet wrong.

We were simply having home made, hot chocolate with our legs crossed, our sides touching barely. Until you decided to kiss me unexpectedly.

Your cold hand wrapped around the back of my neck as you pulled me closer to you, your cold rings being felt against my skin. I closed my eyes, shutting my boyfriend out, shutting the world out and I kissed you back just as passionately. There was no falseness.

Because if Taehyung could go kiss someone, so could I.

Our first kiss was precise and tender. It made me feel something. I remember how I could feel your heart beating rapidly against your chest, how you tugged my lip when I kissed you back and how I pulled at the ends of your raven coloured hair, wanting to be closer and closer. One thing was certain from the kiss, it wouldn't be a one-time thing at all.

But then it hit me just what I was doing. I was kissing my boyfriend's best friend without guilt. My confused boyfriend who I had caught stupidly cheating on me over an hour ago.

So, I pushed you away, my hands not wanting to leave your chest but to stay clenched. I got up from the couch. "I'm sorry. I- I shouldn't have done that." Tumbled from my lips as you sprawled back on the couch, silent as you rubbed your thighs.

I couldn't look at you. I left and went to my apartment.

After talking things out with Taehyung and breaking up with him, I felt relieved but hurt. I did what was right, yet I still wanted it to be Taehyung so bad. He was perfect in my eyes.

But there was always something at the back of my mind. The next day, the next hour, the next minute, for days and days. I couldn't avoid it no matter how hard I tried.

Our kiss.

And I'm sorry for what happened next in our story.

I knocked at the door of your silent, organised apartment, a week after we had kissed. I hadn't seen you before then so you were surprised. Your sorrel eyes wide, your lips parted and your black hair messily wet.

We need to talk- left my lips and I felt better when I smiled at you. Whenever we used to hang out, Id always make smiling at you my mission because I loved to see you smile back.

I asked you- why did you kiss me? Did you know Tae was struggling with his sexuality?

And you replied with- he cheated on you? I knew because of this one time he was drunk. He spoke his thoughts. Did you break up with him? And I-I don't know why I kissed you...

So, I sighed and said- yes, he cheated on me and of course I broke up with him. He needs time for himself and if he's into boys then he needs to find himself. Jungkook don't lie to me; you know exactly why you kissed me!

You pushed your hands into your hair and took a step closer to me. My heart was thumping in my chest as I took in the sight of you. "I kissed you because it's simple. I like you and it's... Wrong- you're my best friends ex-" You seemed hesitant and immoral.

"You like me?"

You nodded as your bangs fell in your face. "Yeah and I know. I know you don't like me like that... It's fine let's just-" You waved your hands, nervousness flowing off of you.

You tried to change the subject with a fake smile on your face, but I took your hands in mine. "Can I kiss you? Please I know-" I just wanted to kiss you, remember what it felt like to be kissed by someone like you.

"Of course. Anything for you."

And we fell. You fell harder for me and I fell into your bed.

I'm not a person that can handle being alone. I need someone. The only two I had were you and Taehyung. So, with Taehyung gone, I only had you left. People I confided in and trusted always.

So, I used you.

I used the fact that you liked me. It was wrong. You became my rebound and the guilt and bleakness I felt along with the lust and yearning were overwhelming. You liked me and I was trying to get over someone.

I couldn't stand living in the same corridor as my ex-boyfriend, so I stayed at yours more. We became closer both physically and emotionally. I wasn't afraid because I liked what we had. There was no label, there was no contract... It was simple.

We just wanted to love and be loved in return. Whether that was physical or emotional- I saw it as all the same.

Memories of us rush through my mind all the time. Me lying on your bed, my head on the wan pillow as you hovered above me with a lethargic, boyish grin on your face. Your arms wrapping around me from behind, scaring me as you rocked us side to side whilst you sang a little. You holding back my hair when I was puking due to me drinking too much. You shivering as we walked down the street together, not caring what anyone thought as you grabbed my hand, pushing it into your pocket with yours as you chattered your teeth. You wrapping your scarf around my neck, pulling me in for a peck on the lips which was a contrast to when you'd push me against the wall.

But it was hard for you. Loving indoors, a secret outdoors.

In our last few weeks of university, we were standing in a queue for a bake sale. Cupcakes with fluffy icing caught your eye as you dragged my hand to the stall. You stood behind me as we engaged in a light conversation. But you didn't notice how your hand wrapped around me from behind, your chin on my shoulder as you pecked a kiss on my neck with a smile.

Touching each other, kissing each other... It all became natural. But I felt bad, so bad.

Taehyung saw us being touchy, he lowered his eyes and walked away with a gloomy look on his face. It messed with my mood. There were times when I had met him in my apartment complex. We gave each other tight smiles, not knowing how to react. There was still so much unspoken between us.

I never wanted to use you. I never wanted you to fall for me more. I never wanted you to be imprinted onto me permanently.

I didn't realise how toxic it was, what we had was deadly because you were falling in love with me through us having sex and being close and I was getting over someone, using you so I wouldn't be alone.

Then months later, a wake-up call sounded in my ears.

Months after us being physically yet somehow emotionally together. Together in our hearts, together in your bed- mine. Yet no label, nothing like a love relationship.

Your ex. Your emotionally abusive ex-girlfriend whose eyes seemed red at first sight but were dark brown with tints of indigo. She was a beautiful woman but, on the inside, anyone would run. She had a soul too cruel.

She visited you when I was at yours, she was touching you and running her fingers down your arm. I couldn't help the jealousy inside of me, so I pulled you away. "What do you think you're doing?" I questioned.

"And who might you be?"

"None of your business. Move along he's not yours anymore."

When you asked me a few hours later what was wrong, I erupted into heated tears. I couldn't take it anymore. You knew something was wrong... You knew me inside and out and you loved me- you really loved me.

The wake-up call was me realising I had no right to get jealous because we weren't together. I was using you, toying with you.

It's then that it hit me hard that what I was doing was wrong.

So, I told you through tears that we had to finish what we were doing, that we couldn't go on.

I poured my heart out to you, admitted that I wasn't ready for anything more yet there was something I felt for you. I admitted you were a rebound to me out loud. And you Kook, you're a beautiful human because you told me not to cry and you held me in your arms. So, I broke it off with you.

"I'm going to let you leave me because I love you." You crouched down in front of me. The two of us in your apartment that felt like home. You made me look at you that crazy, warm evening. The warmth was never suffocating. I wanted to wrap myself in it.

Your hand rubbed my thigh, your ring sliding across my skin. "But if you come knocking at my door in a few years asking me to be yours ... Damn right I'll say yes because I belong to you. My heart, body does and maybe I always will." Your words held the sad truth.

Then you wrapped your arms around me, and it hurt so much that I wouldn't be held by you, kissed by you ever again in the same way, after that day. I was blaming myself because we could've been unimaginable. But it was done in the wrong way.

"And please if you ever see me walking along the street, having a cup of coffee or dancing on the street like a weirdo, please come up to me. Kiss me, punch me, spill coffee on me- just acknowledge me."

I kissed you one last time, still in tears as we smiled.

Your kisses had always been as soft as dandelions and you had cheeks that turned pink at the slightest acts of affection. You wanted to help everyone but didn't have the time to. You were the type of person who wants to talk to someone but has nothing to say.

You reminded me of suspenders on jeans, cartwheeling in the middle of a crosswalk, dandelions in the back of baseball caps, candid photos, laughing until you can't breathe, a bright, blue sky on a sunny day, gleaming eyes, playing Nintendo, wearing your heart on your sleeve, Polaroid cameras, standing up through the sunroof of a moving car and feeling air rush all around you.

I love you. I'm sorry I never said it.

Maybe you're still waiting for me. Maybe I'll be ready to be yours one day.

I hope that you remember me pleasantly and I hope you're okay. I'll try and find your email or phone number soon.

Thanks for being the best.

Yours, Serenity