To Kim Taehyung

The boy whose smile is brighter and lovelier than the sun. The kind of smile that gives goosebumps, creates double takes. The kind of stranger you'd want to see again.

Ah, I miss your presence. How are you? Are you having more happy days than sad days? I miss calling you squishy.

You were always like bubbly champagne, making everyone happier, even if they had to fake it. Your popularity and ability to make friends with everyone created envy in people who didn't even know you. You were like deep emotions behind a wall of shimmering laughter because your duality amazed me as you could be serious when you wanted to. When you were serious, the world stopped and imitated you. You were like warm, cuddly sweaters, bent plastic straws and old jean jackets with new patches.

Every time I think about how we met; it makes me laugh. I'm so glad it's still crisp in my mind. It's the kind of amusement you want to cherish and keep in a little box.

Your ring covered hand was in the back of your hair, flicking it up and down, the bright blonde and slightly coral strands looking soft. Your legs were apart as you bounced up and down, energetic with usual attitude. Your big, coffee coloured eyes opened in joy as your brows raised. An apricot coloured jacket hugging your frame and roomy pants. But what caught my attention was the smile on your smooth face. A boxy smile, taking up your face that made laugh lines as you held a shiny microphone. You looked like you were having so much fun whilst working at an amusement park.

"Come check Kooky out- our bunny!" You shouted, wanting everyone's attention but most people walked straight past you. You were just doing your job which was to entertain.

"He'll be here for half an hour!" You patted Kooky's shoulder. Despite the avoidant looks and ignoring, the cheer on your face didn't disappear as you aggressively whispered to your friend in the pink rabbit costume to wave at the kids walking past... Including my younger sister and brother.

And you Taehyung... You really wanted families to meet your friend in what looked like a very sweaty costume. "So, kids come to meet Kooky ! He doesn't bite!". You were perfect for your job because although people were walking past you, they couldn't keep their eyes off your buzzing energy. Maybe that's why you got hired straight away. "Sometimes he bites me though. Bad bunny, isn't he?" You even managed to make some people stop and meet Kooky .

Including me.

My siblings tugged at the end of my denim jacket, pointing towards the bunny but my eyes stayed focused on only you. What was it about you that made me feel so attracted towards you? Your glamour, the smile, your figure or-

What always makes me laugh and still to this day, brings a blush onto my cheeks is your accidental words. "Yeah, you should come on over." You accidentally spoke into the microphone, looking directly at me. Our similar eyes met as they both held nervousness. "I mean... Everyone! Come on over!"

I've had a lot of time to think about what made you so attractive. I'm sure I wasn't the only one tripping into a puddle of adoration due to your presence that day. My list grew longer during and after our time together. It has to include your soft smirks between sharp remarks and your reassuring whispers in my ears, you making shadow puppets with a flashlight and inviting me to join, you dancing to 80's music and holding my hands even if they're sweaty, reciting the alphabet when needed or maybe those actions just made me fall for you.

So, my siblings met Kooky and I took a picture of them, smiling. I could feel your gaze on me the entire time as I clicked away, nerves building up inside my stomach. "How are the pictures? Any good?" You asked and moved the microphone away from your lovely lips, addressing me.

"Perfect." Like you.

You grinned widely at my answer. It seemed like you wanted to say something more but never got to. Unfortunately, my siblings pulled me away seconds after. I sighed, thinking you'd be another elegant stranger.

They say your first year of university is supposed to be chilled and lively. But my last year was the most special because as I was moving into my apartment for the year, you were moving into the one next to mine. I met you a few days after our first meeting, in the corridors with a large cardboard box that was neatly shut.

You spotted me first and dropped your box with a bang. "University? New apartment?" You asked casually. You've always been so attentive, so open and exceptional with people. Lots of people envied how you could get on with almost everyone, make new friends in a matter of minutes.

We became closer as I'd start to see you every morning before I left for class. You'd help me with my groceries and I'd do the same for you. Then, one morning when the rain was falling heavily, you stopped me in the narrow corridor. You asked me if I'd like to grab a coffee with you. "I don't like coffee," I told you and you said same! Then you walked me to class with a happy smile.

You asked me to be your girlfriend, two weeks after we first met. It was perfect timing. You took me to the amusement park you worked at, for a day out (along with Kooky who turned out to be a cute boy called Jungkook) and you held my hand in all the roller-coasters, trying to win a teddy bear for me. At the end of our date, I guess you could say, you took both my hands in yours, looked directly in my eyes and asked me to be yours so sweetly.

Of course, I said yes. You were a king.

Okay, don't get so happy. I know you've got a silly smile on that face of yours right now.

A university romance was something I never expected myself to get. I didn't think I'd get a boyfriend at that time. To meet a boy like you was something I never expected either. You were too good to be true.

There was never a single moment that was boring with you. One of my favourite moments was when we went on a road trip (Jungkook tagged along too) you drove us there and I got distracted most of the time by the artistry of your hands. Sculpture like. The silver rings, your veins, the sharp boned back of your hands, slender fingers and your gold like skin. Whilst they rested on the ink like steering wheel, stroked my inner thigh.

We went to watch a kite festival in front of a sunset along with unexpected fireworks. The event started late at night and we finished our picnic in a rush. We nearly fell over the cloth as we tried to pack everything away. Hurry's and laughter was heard then.

I remember teasing you about the huge spider that made you squeal when you were filling up the car with gas. We sat together with Jungkook on my side as we all stared at the sky covered with darkness- pitch black with distant stars, ready to be ignited with vivid, vibrant fireworks. The audience was waiting, and I was buzzing with spirit. I loved events like this. My hand was grasped tightly in yours, our eyes wide, my glasses quickly on so I could see clearly.

The fireworks took our breath away, didn't they? So much glossiness, so much sound and so much beauty. You held your camera with one hand, the other holding onto me as our mouths dropped open in amazement. Yours and Jungkook's reactions made me feel more excited. Woah! And you both screamed.

Magic used to tumble from your lips. Until our too good to be true, love exploded, falling to the ground when I walked into our university library.

To see you kissing someone else.

A boy.

I didn't know what to think or feel. But seeing you cheating on me... Maybe that's why I kissed Jungkook back when he kissed me. But that's another story and another letter.

I knew as soon as I saw you, that you weren't doing it on purpose, that it was almost an instinct and you were exploring. So, I wasn't angry, just very... Dejected. I knew you.

You begged me to stay but I couldn't.

My voice broke as I tried to stay strong for both of us. I had to let you go because it was the right thing to do. No matter how much I believed we'd be good as friends. I knew you were fighting an internal struggle and I never wanted you to feel trapped.

I've never hated you.

I still love you because what we had may have been short... But it was precious, enjoyable and beyond words. Everything you did was so luminous and breath-taking, I couldn't ever look away. You made me feel sun-kissed like windows open in the warm evening, in the summer. It's the feeling of nostalgia as you are living in the moment. Conversations with you made me fall in love with the world because your perception was unique. Nothing made you happier than seeing others happy. You also loved to make yourself happy. You made me crave sunlight, and you ignited a desire in me to become a better person.

You remind me of old French songs on the radio, scrunchies around your wrist, smiles during slow kisses, signature perfume, tired eyes that don't want to sleep, soft music from a record player, a distorted reflection of the moon on the water, old photos hidden away in a closet, looking at city lights through a misty window, wilting flower petals littering your tabletop, fingers hovering over delete this contact and lastly, sadness and uncertainty creeping into your heart at night-time.

A physical, violet invitation to your wedding, came through the mail and the news of your marriage to a man didn't surprise me. I knew in that moment, that letting you go was the right decision.

But I didn't attend and I'm sorry.

I miss you every day. I hope we can be friends one day.

I'm so happy for you. I adore you.

Thank you for the admirable memories.

Your squishy, Serenity