To Kim Seokjin

How are you? I hope you receive this letter with the best of health.

You were a boy that was hidden away, pushed around and neglected in high school. You didn't speak up in class like me. You were a boy no one noticed as much as you wanted people to. Attention is something we all strive for, especially at that age. You were whist, clever, closed off and you hung out with the brash boys who held pride in their heads. You were one of the popular ones and I was not a fan at all.

Although you were quiet, unlike your lush, immature friends, everyone admired you quietly. Your albino hair, your profound soothing voice, your signature cap, your towering frame, your broad chest, the way your shoulders looked in a blazer-

I'll stop. I don't want to boost that ego. I know how boys are. Especially boys like you.

Boys who like to play. But ... boys will be boys right?

After high school, you took a class with me in college and I'd catch you staring at me several times. It was bizarre, surprising because the boy I once had a very short crush on was now looking at me.

I wanted attention too.

It never failed to make my cheeks flush. I started to feel nervous coming to class, seeing you so often made me feel on edge. What is he wearing today?- I used to think. Knowing your presence was in the room didn't calm the butterflies in my stomach, it made me hide my face behind my hair, sit upright in my chair and plan my answers.

Then you texted me. I don't know how you got my number. You pretended to have sent the wrong message to the wrong person. I'm not that oblivious but I went along with it because deep inside, I wanted to talk to you and for you to talk to me.

We started talking- small talk and how are you's. You made it clear that you liked me. I could tell from the way you spammed me with messages, texted me every day and even smiled at me. That was surprising.

We had never talked in person but messaging each other didn't feel weird at all. Although you were clingy and questioning, you were gracious, mysterious and typical. You wanted to get to know me.

It was obvious you wanted something more from me, you wanted us to date. It was sudden. But I was a girl recovering from a long relationship and I wasn't ready for anything. My heart was still healing but I couldn't tell you that because my ex-lover was a secret and I had to stay shut.

So, I told you- I'm not looking for anything more. You weren't happy with my response, I could tell... Because you stopped talking to me which annoyed me.

One minute you were in my life then you were out.

I wanted you to either stay or stay away from me.

I felt bad. I wanted to say sorry, tell you the truth. I'm sorry, I just got out of a raw relationship and I'm still in love with that person- that's what I wanted to say to you.

So, months passed, exams passed, stress engulfed us as we broke away eye contact, ducked our heads down and chose to walk different routes so we wouldn't bump into each other. It was very awkward.

Then we didn't talk for a long time. There's no doubt that we thought too much about each other, looked at each other- wanting each other's snappy attention. But it was easy to get over.

Although, sometimes it was tough. Guilt, sadness, anger and jealousy is what I felt because of you. You made me feel bad for saying no to you, for telling you I want to be friends. When I shouldn't have felt bad because I did something for myself. I felt sad because I grew attached to you and then we stopped talking because your ego along with my stubbornness was heavy. I felt anger because one minute you made me feel special, the next minute you acted like you didn't know me. I felt jealous every time you'd talk to someone who wasn't me, especially in class, because you never dared to come to talk to me in person- not even once.

Then you proved me wrong.

I was walking home, and I felt a hand tap my shoulder. It was you. You made me jump and you knew it.

"Oh my god, Jin!"

We walked home together, acting like we've talked in person before, acting like everything was fine. My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest on that day- did yours? How did you feel? You had the confidence to come and talk to me which was a surprise. I didn't expect that from you at all.

I remember carrying my coat in my hands, the air being felt against my skin under my ripped jeans and my jumper feeling too hot. Our sides knocked into each other as we talked about class, a TV show- trivial, small talk.

But we crossed the road together, carefully. You tried to convince me to walk the long way home with you. You were so close to me and you smelled luscious. But I smiled at you and said no because I didn't know the way home from that path. I did feel bad, but you couldn't stop smiling- the ends of your pink lips turning up, as you shook your head and walked away with your hands in your pockets. That boyish smile was making fireworks go off in my stomach because old feelings resurfaced.

After that, we never talked in person again. We stopped talking on text for a while again. You kept sending me mixed signals.

I found out you were trying to flirt with two of my best friends, wanting something more from them just like you did with me.

When I thought you gave up on me, you texted me after months- asking how I was, asking what my future career plans were. I brushed you off because I was over this game you were playing with me. I was stronger and more mature than you thought Jin.

I was not weak. I am not weak.

It added to my anger when you mentioned how you wanted us to be more than friends, how you'd wait for me. I had to politely decline you again... Because I wasn't ready. I was putting myself first for once and I needed to recover. But you were stopping me.

I couldn't recover whilst being with a boy like you.

But you never understood that. You were selfish, misleading and irritating. I believe we could've been good friends, but you wanted more, and I wanted nothing. But we were never anything. So why did it hurt so much?

I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about what we could've been. Maybe you'd be a courteous, caring boyfriend and you'd hold my hand as we went on walks together. Maybe we would've not hated shopping because we'd shop together. I always imagined your head on my lap with my fingers running through your curly brown hair.

You were a boy I loved in a way, a boy that gave me attention, that for a moment made me feel special. Until I realised you did that with other harmless girls too. But it made me realise, I didn't need love from anyone else but myself. Who else would be there for me?

So, thank you for helping me realise what I needed.

Serenity