《LETTERS TO REALITY ✓》HOSEOK

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To Jung Hoseok

You, oh you.

You were the first boy I ever loved.

My childhood love. My best friend. My neighbourhood partner. My endless sunshine. My once loyal companion.

You lived on my street, our doors were different colours but our hearts shaded the same. I'd see you every day because we loved spending time with each other. I don't remember how we became friends, I think our parents introduced us to each other- shy smiles and quiet hello's and before we knew it, we were the loudest kids in our neighbourhood.

Riding our pink and blue bikes, trying to do stunts on them because we thought we were so cool. Were we? We were the only kids who'd get out of the house, even in winter we'd be covered from head to toe but that wouldn't stop us. Remember that one time you fell and tried not to cry so I wouldn't cry? You were trying to be strong for me. I guess I've always known you were brave and heartfelt, despite the hot tears in your brown eyes. Your feelings didn't match the words that would come out of your mouth.

You're still the same you know? We'd ride until sunset, go home and go to sleep straight away, wishing for the next day to come.

We were the best of friends.

Even when school started, we were inseparable. We didn't bother to make new friends because we stayed together for over six years. We didn't see the importance of getting close to other kids. Maybe it would've been good to at least acknowledge everyone else. But holding hands, pushing into each other, skipping over ropes, making ponytails in each other's hair, playing hopscotch and walking home along with our parents was my ideal routine.

Our parents would always laugh, one day they'll get married to each other- do you remember that? I don't remember major parts of my childhood, bits and pieces are scattered in my mind that I must think hard about to remember. Remembering can be hard when the difficult moments are closest to the surface.

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But what I remember most is our enjoyable, pure moments together. When we were children and adulthood was far away. They're just moments that remain nowhere but in the distant past because I didn't have a choice.

Then we changed, as humans do when time passes quickly. We grew older, we bloomed through puberty, in personality and appearance. We didn't know that what we once had would remain in the past. The past was more important than we thought. I wish I didn't take it for granted.

We went to the same high school with hope in our hearts that we'll stay friends forever. We did a pinkie promise every day and as we grew older, we grew bigger and your finger became bigger than mine. You became taller, muscular and I stayed short and skinny. I already expected that physical change.

Our hearts grew bigger too. Except for the fact that mine grew more love for you. But yours grew more love for the only blonde, beryl eyed girl at our high school. She must've been perfect to you but to me, she wasn't. She was just another girl. Pretty? Sure.

You left me alone, pushed me away and never turned back. You never looked over your shoulder, why? You knocked me straight out of your life without a care in the world. I was forced to forget about you.

So, I watched you every day for five years from afar with wandering round eyes and a small voice, from behind books and at the bright lunch tables. You never noticed me the way I noticed you... Or maybe you did, who knows?

I watched you, wondering what it must feel like to be friends with a twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen-year-old Hoseok. Wondering what it would feel like to be popular with lots of cool friends. Wondering if you were still the same energetic, skilful and intelligent boy that I grew up knowing. Our lives were so different.

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But what I wondered the most was what it would feel like to hold your hand as we walked through the corridor of the school, sit with you in class and have you flirting with me, you smiling at me and looking at me the way you looked at her, you playing with my hair and you spending lunch with me on the grass fields. But most importantly, I wondered what it would feel like to be happy with you ... Again. No one knew we were once the greatest of friends huh?

Would teenage us be happier than childhood us?

High school ended fast, thank god. Five years flew by without you and it hurt. It hurt more because of painful love songs, literature poems and everyone dating someone around us. The pressure and virtual expectation was toxic. Why don't you talk to Hoseok anymore? - so many questions about you all these years were becoming normal from my parents.

Then you approached me in our last year of high school.

It was a sunny day, I remember that. I was wearing my favourite shoes, leather with laces. You came up to me with round, fashionable glasses on your face, a yellow sweatshirt on your small chest and a goofy smile. You asked me to sign your yearbook and I couldn't help but say yes. What if I said no?

Then you started talking to me like everything was normal. Pathetic attempt. You asked me how I was, how I felt about us leaving high school, what's been new. It was awkward and of course, something was missing.

Our friendship.

That you threw away.

Then your face saddened, a pout forming on your lips as you tucked the book under your arm. I'm so sorry, I'm so freaking sorry- is what you whispered. You walked away and I swear you cried. I felt numb as I watched you.

I went home and cried.

I don't know what I would have said to you. I wouldn't have apologised because I did nothing wrong. Why did you leave me? Maybe I could have said it's okay, but it wasn't because you left me, for popularity and a girl.

Was it worth it?

I didn't see you for a year after high school. A day didn't go by without thinking about our childhood memories, you and your charming personality and aura. The street brought back so much. My last memory I had was of you crying behind your yearbook.

But then a familiar pattern of knocks at my door happened one day. I stilled one surprise, utterly confused. Two fast knocks. One quiet knock. Three rapid, loud knocks.

And I rushed to the door, flinging it open to see you.

"Let's ride our bikes."

We fixed our friendship and now we're still friends.

You were the first boy I loved. Not an in love kind of love though. There's so much to love about you and I still find a reason every day. Simply being close to you makes me feel brighter because you are always better as a person, on this dull universe.

So, here's to our future as forever, childhood sweethearts.

Thank you for being the radiant sunshine the world needs. Thank you for being my friend.

Your best friend, Serenity.

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