i know you won't stop so i guess

i'll love you till your g r a v e

〰️〰️〰️

Four days later and Sutton still wasn't speaking to me. It was the least bit shocking because we were sisters, after all. We had certainly gone a lot longer than that without communicating before.

Although now, the days of being physical were over for us. Hair pulling was replaced with tailor-made expletives and pointless blame games became vows of bitter silence. We'd bitch and bicker, and eventually come through like nothing ever happened.

I guess it was sort of like Gus and I. They were still two very unrelated worlds.

With Thanksgiving tomorrow, I knew I'd have to face her sooner than later. I knew she'd have to talk to me for the sake of the holiday and our family being together. My mother wasn't going to tolerate any animosity at her dinner table. Much like Sutton, she thrived when she was in the spotlight, even more so when it was for familial functions. The thought of her children feuding in such a setting was unfathomable.

Gus and I were supposed to be at his parents house all day with his family. We were eating with them, and then planning to end up at my parents house for more food and a place to sleep. The weekend was supposed to be split up between the two homes; them only being twenty minutes apart made the whole ordeal a lot easier.

Gus being in an entirely separate state made this much more difficult.

He flew out to Minneapolis before the sun even rose on Monday morning for a short work trip that I'd totally forgotten about. He was up and out of our apartment by four A.M., promising to be back late on Wednesday.

It was fine with me, but promises seemingly meant nothing to Mother Nature.

I studied a dozen weather forecasting websites and watched the morning and nighttime news since he left, anticipating any updates on what was deemed one of the worst blizzards the Midwest would see in years. The storm started Tuesday morning on the edge of Colorado and was on track to head north, directly to where Gus was until it trickled off into Canada. It seemed like a joke; unfortunately that was just my luck and my life.

A little part of me believed there would be some miracle that it would get thrown off course and avoid him. That he'd be home in time for Thanksgiving instead of being stuck in an airport for who knew how long. That maybe things would work in our favor for once.

And so it was Wednesday. By the time I left work an hour early at four o'clock, Gus was supposed to be boarding his plane. He wouldn't be home until almost midnight, but I'd be fast asleep by then. He had a direct flight to Philly and his company hooked him up with all the transportation to and from the airport. It was one less thing I had to worry about.

Or so I thought.

Right when I got home, during my internal celebration at the fact that I was free from work for the next four days, Gus was calling me. The door shut behind me and Ziggy came bounding over as I was trying to pluck my phone from the pocket of my leather jacket, acting like he hadn't seen me in a month.

"Jesus, Zig," I breathed, pushing him down while he tried to climb up my legs. I swiped the screen of my phone and managed to answer excitedly, though slightly confused with, "Hey!"

"Hi."

The halfhearted greeting had me pursing my lips.

"You haven't boarded yet? I thought you would've been in the air by now," I said, setting my bags down at the island and taking a seat on one of the stools. I let Ziggy put his front paws on my knees now and rubbed his head with my free hand.

Gus excessively sighed. "Yeah, about that..."

My stomach formed a knot and my fingers clutched Ziggy's skull. Say it isn't so.

Gus calling me at this time either meant good news or bad news. With us, it was always undoubtedly the latter. Still, I kept up what little hope I had left because I wasn't totally a cynic. Obviously I should know by now never to do that.

"Why do I feel like I already know what you're going to say?" I asked hopelessly, glancing down at Ziggy. He was staring back at me, patiently waiting for us to take a walk with his chin resting on my thigh.

"Because between the two of us, we have the shittiest luck ever," Gus chuckled, and I had to grunt in agreement. "We're right in the heart of that snowstorm. They cancelled all incoming and outgoing flights until at least the morning. We were thinking about just renting a car and driving home instead, but that's not even a possibility. It's like a fucking whiteout here. As long as there's no visibility, nobody's leaving."

I hung my head, mentally taking a note to avoid having high hopes for anything anymore. It only proved to be a pointless waste of my time.

"But it's Thanksgiving," I mumbled, disappointed even though I could've easily predicted this.

"You're gonna have to do it without me. I'll call you as soon as we figure something out, I promise. For right now, we just need to stay put and wait for it to pass."

"This sucks. So now I'm supposed to go to your parents house for dinner tomorrow without you?"

"Looks that way. I was gonna call my mom next and let her know, unless you want to do it," he sighed again, which was his way of asking me if I could call her instead. That boy would do anything to get out of talking to his mother because apparently I was so much better at it.

He was lucky he wasn't here or else he'd be getting a fatal death glare.

Rolling my eyes, I told him, "Fine. I'll call her. I'll break her heart and tell her that her only son won't be there for Thanksgiving dinner."

"You're the best," he sang, and I could hear the smile in his voice. Someone on his end spoke up, garbled by background noise in the airport so I couldn't tell what they were saying. Gus gave them a distant affirmative before he came back to me. "We're gonna get something to eat and try to pass the time. I'll talk to you later, alright?"

"Sure. I'll keep my fingers crossed that you get out of there soon," I said despite me not believing it, "Love you."

"I love you, too. I'll see you when I see you."

At that, I pulled the phone away from my ear with a frustrated sigh and hung up. I was pressing on Mrs. Monahan's name in my contact list seconds later, suddenly feeling like I was back at work where most of my day consisted of the phone attached to my ear and doing favors for other people.

Rather than postpone giving her the news, I wanted to get it over with. I didn't want to do it at all, honestly, yet here I was; picking up the pieces that Gus had left behind.

I had to remind myself that this was what you did for people you loved. This was the protocol in a dedicated relationship. Sometimes you had to sacrifice your own happiness, so long as your partner did the same. You often had to do things you didn't want and that's just the way it was.

That was the way it'd been for almost seven years with us and it was what I knew best.

While I was waiting for her to answer and listening to the phone ring, Collin waltzed into my apartment. He gasped when Ziggy left my side and galloped over to him, dropping to his knees as the two of them ended up wrestling on the floor. I disregarded their antics and the fact that Collin didn't even say hi to me before I was begging for his help.

"Can you take Ziggy around the block for me? I'll explain later," I said hastily, hoping he could see the desperation in my widened eyes.

They froze; Collin with Ziggy in a headlock as they looked up at me like their mother just yelled at them. Some days it definitely felt like they were my children.

Collin shot me a flat look, but agreed anyway by nodding.

Standing up now, he readjusted his bomber jacket and peered down at my dog, teasing him by cooing, "I guess."

"Thank you," I grinned.

"Yeah, yeah."

Right when I was about to tell him to put the leash on before they leave or else Ziggy would run wild up and down the hallway, he grabbed the leash and they were out the door. Then again, I guess he did that on purpose so he could avoid my nagging.

The line stopped ringing then and Mrs. Monahan was squealing in my ear.

"Hi Bayla!"

I jumped at her bubbly tone, recovering by chirping, "Hey, how's it going?"

"Oh, we're fine! Just getting all ready for tomorrow. What time did you kids say you were coming again? This past week has been so hectic, I can't remember anything."

Her enthusiasm killed me. Wincing, I spun around in my stool to lean my elbows on the island. "Yeah, I'm actually calling about that... looks like it's just gonna be me tomorrow."

"What? What do you mean?"

"Gus is stuck in Minneapolis. He's been there since Monday for a work trip and right now they're in the heart of that snowstorm. He said he's not going to be able to get out until at least tomorrow, but he's not even sure of that. He's gonna keep me updated on what happens," I explained as I pinched the bridge of my nose, and I heard her sigh. "That's the plan for now, though. I figured I'd tell you so you weren't shocked to see me show up at your door alone tomorrow."

"What company thinks it's a good idea to be in Minneapolis, of all places, during one of the biggest blizzards in years? Are they crazy?" She spat, but I had to agree. Sounding flustered, she continued, "Whatever, it's his loss. I can't keep track of that boy anymore. I don't know how you do it."

I hummed and then muttered, "Me neither."

"Are you sure you still want to come? If you'd rather go home, I understand. You're allowed to break the plans," she reassured me graciously, and it almost had me changing my mind.

Spending Thanksgiving with them sans Gus wasn't the worst thing that could've come from this snowstorm, but it wasn't ideal for me either. Thanksgiving dinner with my own maniacal family would have been nice.

It seemed nice for about a whole ten seconds. Until I thought of how I'd have to patch things up with Sutton, or at least try to. I thought of how I'd have to spend a lot of time with my aforementioned maniacal family. I thought of Gus sleeping on the floor of an airport, thousands of miles away from home with a small group of coworkers when he should have been here.

I shook my head in an attempt to get back on track. Do it for Gus.

"No, no. It's okay, I'll be there. We were gonna end up at my folks house later on anyway. It's all good. You can count on me."

She hesitated for a second. I knew we were both imagining ourselves cracking together the heads of Gus and his coworkers.

Mrs. Monahan's voice was a lot gentler this time as she said, "You're an angel, Bayla. If you change your mind, let me know, okay?"

"I'm not going to, but I will," I smiled.

We went over what time I should be at their house and a few other details before we ended our call, and by a few more details, I meant us roasting Gus on missing Thanksgiving. If we didn't know any better, we'd think he orchestrated the blizzard for this very reason. By the time we were off the phone, I was almost convinced he did.

Realistically, I knew it wasn't his fault and that he couldn't control the weather. Nobody actually wanted this to happen. What I did know was Gus and I had been in a pretty good place for the last few days, and I wasn't about to let something like this fuck that up. Even though we were experts at doing that on our own anyway.

Collin and Ziggy came bustling back into my apartment right as I hung up. The door slammed, Ziggy wriggled his way out of his leash, and Collin glanced at me with furrowed brows.

"What's going on? Who was that?" He asked, running his hands through his disheveled blonde locks.

I slid my phone into my jacket pocket and hopped off my stool so I could give Ziggy a treat. Waving my hand as if to dismiss the last fifteen minutes, I huffed, "I need a drink before I get into all of that. Let's go."

He raised his hands in surrender and took a step back to let me pass by him to the door after I'd taken care of my dog. He didn't mention it again until we were in a booth at Cruiser's for our weekly dinner date, with our jackets off and an Old Fashioned in my hand.

〰️〰️〰️

I woke up alone in the morning and I wasn't sure why I was expecting some sort of miracle to happen. My hands weren't going to find Gus when they reached over to his side of the bed. My eyes weren't going to see him magically appear next to me when I opened them.

He was very much still in Minnesota, according to the last few texts he sent me.

🖤trying to get a flight out now. gonna be impossible

🖤there's way too many people here

🖤I'd rather be dead than be in this state for five more fucking minutes

All I could do was sigh and go about my routine.

I felt blessed to have been able to sleep in until eight o'clock on a Thursday, made myself some coffee, and went on a long walk with Ziggy. I got myself showered, dressed and made up, ready for Thanksgiving dinner at the Monahan's. Without the most important Monahan to me.

By ten o'clock, Ziggy and I were on the road in Gus' car. With zero traffic, a random playlist of my favorite songs, and my dog as my only companion, the two hour drive gave me plenty of time to get into the right emotional state to conquer the weekend I had ahead of me.

It felt like I was going into it blind, though that was hardly the case. The Monahan's may as well have been my family. Just a more well mannered version that didn't know my every flaw or weakness. Still, Gus was my crutch, and I was his. Having him at my side, more often than not, was better than nothing at all.

Even if we were in one of our infamous wars, avoiding any proper communication and eye contact, it was comforting to always have his hand be there whenever I'd go to grab it. He was my safety net, there to save me from falling even if I didn't ask him to.

This was me being his crutch. We'd had these plans for months and it was our tradition to switch where we ate holiday dinners every year; either with my parents or his. For as long as Gus and I had been dating, it was that way. The night before Thanksgiving didn't seem like a good time to suddenly change that.

Which is why I was currently ringing the doorbell to the Monahan household with Ziggy at my feet and no sign of my other half.

Amanda greeted me when I arrived at their house just after noon, one of Gus' sisters and the middle child of the crew. I could always relate to her a little more than their youngest sister, who was fourteen and absolutely hated speaking to anyone. Although that was quite relatable anymore these days.

On the other hand, Amanda was seventeen and a few months from graduating high school. When the door opened, I saw her matching sweatsuit, her coppery hair in a high ponytail, and her fresh, youthful, makeup-free complexion that I'd kill to have back after experiencing how goddamn stressful your twenties could be.

She had the right idea.

"You look so comfortable," I sighed, wrapping her in a quick hug once she pushed open the door to let me in.

"My mom told me to change, but I'm not going to," she scoffed, crossing her arms when we pulled apart. "I told her, it's our family. There's no one here I want or need to impress. This is what they're getting today."

"I feel that," I agreed with a nod.

My black skinny jeans, white turtleneck, ankle booties and leather jacket made me look put together on the outside, but I knew I'd regret my outfit choice once I engorged myself with food in a matter of hours. The only good thing was my overnight bag I'd packed with extra clothes since I'd be at my parents house all weekend. I had a feeling I'd be breaking into it a little early, switch into something similar to what Amanda was wearing, and call it a night.

Ziggy was sniffing whatever he could reach from his restriction on the leash, his ears twitching at the indistinct voices and kitchen sounds coming from the other end of the house.

"You can let him loose," Amanda told me. "My cousins brought their dog too, but it's like a shitty little squirrel. I don't even know how to pet dogs that small. What do you do with it? Hold it? At least Ziggy's like, a real dog."

"Yeah, a real pain in my ass."

It was like he understood me, because he glared at me after I said that. After all this time together, raising him and being inseparable from when I adopted him, I was pretty sure we did have our own language.

I knelt down and reluctantly unhooked his leash. He took the hint and bolted towards the smell of food.

Someone shrieked. Another excitedly called out my dog's name. A baby started crying and a pot crashed on the floor.

Amanda and I both rolled our eyes before we ventured further into her house to wherever the madness was. I realized then that it wasn't so different from being at my parents house after all.

〰️〰️〰️

Dinner went almost exactly as I imagined it to be in my head. I was either balancing dishes in my hands from the kitchen to the table, following whatever commands came from Mrs. Monahan on how to cook what, or corralling my dog to make sure he wasn't getting himself into too much trouble.

Could've gone worse, could've been better. I wasn't sure which would have happened if Gus was with me.

I wanted to believe it would have been the latter. And I did.

Until I was in the car that night driving to my parents house after dinner, following a phone call from Gus that said he wouldn't be home until the next day which again, told me never to get my hopes up.

On the way to my childhood home, I set aside my Gus drama and thought about what I'd say to Sutton when I saw her. I didn't have a plan, considering she lashed out at me for almost "ruining her party" and classically making it "all about me", which was so not true.

Her and I both knew nothing was ever all about me. The bridezilla inside her thought otherwise for a fleeting moment.

I only wanted to be able to get through the night without another altercation. At least she had the decency to keep her voice down at the party and most of our arguing was camouflaged by the music. Tonight, there wouldn't much distraction to save us other than death threats from our mom over dessert.

I was expecting to walk in with an acknowledgement from everyone but Sutton. She'd be dangling from Koa's arm like an oversized, personified wedding band with a disinterested look saved just for me. We'd have to sit across from each other, enduring the tension and silence. I wouldn't go out of my way to apologize, and neither would she.

It was clear to me that wasn't going to happen as soon as I walked through the front door my dad had recently given a black paint job to that my mom despised.

Mostly everyone that came for dinner had left. My parents, my brothers, my niece, Sutton, Koa, and my mom's parents were all that remained when I got my first overall glimpse of the dining room. No one even noticed me.