"Where art thou," called a tender voice.

"Shut the fuck up or I'll shove my six foot pencil dick up your nose," you replied, your hunched body shaking in sorrow. You glanced up, and you felt instant regret when you recognized the person. "Oh my jinkler, Jesus, I'm so sorry. I didn't recognize you. When did you start speaking in Elizabethan english?"

"You see, I may have come to an earth-shattering realization." Jesus pulled out a bottle of vodka and took a quick swig, blush creeping onto his face.

"Come on, bestie, go on," you replied seductively.

Jesus sat down beside you and covered his face with his hands in embarrassment. "I- I-"

"Spit it out, bitch."

Jesus looked at you spicily. His gaze held the strength of ten thousand cayenne peppers. His penetrating stare melted your heart and also your toenails. Goddamn it, those took so long to grow. "I'm in love with thee. No hetero tho."

You stared back into the loving abyss that was jesus's left pupil. "I'm in love with you too. No hetero tho."

Jesus cupped your face gently with his hands, and he pulled you in for a bone-crushing smooch. Your lips moved in perfect harmony, and your bodies smushed together in a fiery clump of heat and passion. You could feel your six foot pencil dick growing in size as Jesus caressed your right booby over your shirt. His hands moved slowly down your body and snaked their way under your shirt.

Jesus was just about to take off your bootiful blouse, when you got hit in the face with a pigeon. Your rhinal organ stung from the sudden impact.

"Oh my farkle," Jesus cried. "What is that monstrous thing?"

"It's a carrier pigeon. And it seems to have a message for us."

You reached between the pigeons claws and pulled out a pink sparkly envelope. Once you opened it, you were blinded by a card that was tastefully decorated with exactly four hundred twenty dazzling rhinestones. The card read:

Save the date: tomorrow.

Hey, brothers and sisters in christ, you're invited to Kristen and Hagrid's wedding!

Don't be late, Hagrid WILL eat your bones.

:)

You screamed in agony. Hagrid should have been yours!

"It's okay now, you have me. And that's enough." Jesus placed a comforting hand on your shoulder.

"You're right." You placed a small smooch on Jesus's cheek and then had a very prompt psychotic breakdown.