"Mr. Clean, please," you begged. "I'm in love with you!"

"No, (Y/n), I've made myself very clear. I'm 83 years old- I'm too young to settle!"

Mr. Clean stomped on your toes and walked away. With hot, salty, purple tears streaming down your face, you picked yourself up off the floor and sulked to the nearest Seven Eleven. As the place where you were conceived, the Seven Eleven down the street always offered you enormous comfort.

When you walked into Seven Eleven crying your eyes out, a man emerged from the counter to check on you. He was the most beautiful man you had ever seen. His chewy neck beard looked absolutely delectable and his troll nose was exquisite.

"Howdy, partner," he greeted. "What's got you all down in the dumps?"

"Oh Hagrid, I just gave Mr. Clean a blowjob in a Wendy's parking lot, and now he's saying he wants nothing to do with me. I simply don't know what to do. All of my attempts at love always end in disaster- Dr. Phil left, Pickle Rick died, and Mr. Clean didn't even want to be with me in the first place. Hell, even that buck from the woods left me for some low life doe."

"Keep your chin up, honeymunchkin. I'm sure one day you'll find someone to love you for who you truly are."

"What would they even love about me? I'm just that sad little cat that got fucked by Shane Dawson."

"I can certainly name a few things," Hagrid said with a sad smile on his face. "You're ambitious, and creative, and a major fucking hottie."

You let Hagrid's words sink in. Did he really think all of those things about you? What a gentleman! In that moment, you realized that all of the guys you had cried over were trash. The real man you needed was right in front of you!

You reached up and grabbed a chunk of hair from Hagrid's beard, and you pulled his plumpalicious lips down to meet yours. You banged your mouth against his aggressively, keeping your jaw locked open the entire time.

"What are you doin', partner?"

"I'm giving you a fat smooch," you replied leaning in for another kiss.

"Woah, woah, woah. Hold your horses. I'm engaged!"

Your heart broke in two. "To who?"

"Kristen. From Girl Defined."

"No," you cried, despair plaguing your soul. "I was always jealous of her biblical womanhood!"

"Welp," said Hagrid. "Sucks to suck, doesn't it, ho."