"what the fuck are you doing here?" a voice behind the person who had just entered asked.

"i needed to see felix."

"chan, leave." the voice behind him said angrily, the voice belonged to none other than changbin.

"leave?" chan questioned with a sad expression.

felix couldn't even manage to look over towards the door. he knew it was chan and changbin, and the last person he wanted to see in that moment was chan. he just wasn't ready yet.

"please leave." felix spoke weakly.

hearing felixs unsteady and clearly distraught voice broke chan. he knew he messed up, and he regretted it terribly.

"im so sorry felix, i hope we can talk about things soon. whenever you're ready though of course." was all chan said before pushing past changbin.

changbin then stood there for a moment looking over at felix. by the look on the boys face, changbin knew felix didn't remember anything he had said to him while felix was in a coma.

"hey felix," changbin said softly as he walked over to felixs bedisde.

the rest of the boys gave them space as they backed out of the room quietly.

"so you came here everyday?" felix asked as changbin sat down, and just nodded in response.

"why?"

"because i needed to make sure you were going to be okay..." changbin admitted shyly.

"you didn't seem to care about me before i— before i was hospitalized. what changed? is this some sort of guilt thing? cause you have nothing to feel guilty about." felix explained to the latter.

"it's not about guilt felix." changbin stated, "i was wrong about everything."

"wrong about everything? what do you mean?" felix questioned with a confused expression on his face.

"we're not better part. we're better together. i'm happier when i'm with you, i feel complete with you...

i just had so much from my past that held me back. i'm ready to talk about it with you now though. hyunjin helped me realize that."

"of course it was hyunjin." felix rolled his eyes.

"are you even listening to me? I STILL LOVE YOU!" changbin shouted at the latter causing him to jump slightly, "sorry... i didn't mean to yell."

"it wasn't the yelling... that's not what caused me to jump." felix stated as he looked at changbin in shock.

"then was it because i said i still love you?" changbin questioned, and watched as felix slowly nodded his head yes.

"well i do," changbin mumbled, "i'm just bad at showing it."

"really bad at showing it." felix laughed.

"i've missed your laugh." changbin smiled as he unknowingly reached out his hand to grab felixs. felix looked down at their hands, and changbin finally realized what he did.

as he went to pull away, felix made sure to hold on to him.

"this time im not letting you go." felix said with a soft smile.

"and this time i don't want you to let me go. never let me leave again because i will never stop loving you." changbin stated confidently.

"then never even try to leave me, okay?" felix asked and changbin nodded in agreement.

"do you want to talk about how you got here?" changbin asked in references to felixs suicide attempt.

"not particularly..." felix said softly as he looked away from changbin, "can we talk about the past that held you back?"

"if that's what you want to speak about." changbin nodded.

"i do, i want to know what exactly made you think we were better off without each other." felix stated.

"okay, then i will tell you." changbin let out a heavy sigh as he prepared to uncover the darkest parts about himself, "i had a sister..."

"a sister?" felix questioned.

"yes, a sister. her name was ryujin." changbin responded, "she died when we were little, and apart of me always blamed myself for her death.

i know i didn't kill her or anything, but i didn't help her either. i promised to help her, and i couldn't even go see her at the hospital. what kind of brother does that make me?" changbin got a little choked up as he spoke.

felix reached rubbed his thumb back and forth across changbins hand to ease his nerves.

"after she died, i felt like i didn't deserve to be happy. i lost ryujin, and i never even got to say goodbye because i refused to go see her.

then i met you. i was so happy with you. so happy that it felt wrong.

i promised myself that if could help you, then it was worth it to stay together. even if i felt like i didn't deserve you.

as long as i could make you happy, nothing else mattered to me. then i saw you with chan... and i felt like maybe i didn't make you that happy.

i felt like i failed you just like i failed ryujin, and so i started to cling onto hyunjin the same way i did when ryujin died.

hyunjin was the only one that knew about ryujin. i guess that's why i always tend to turn to him when things get hard.

i'm sorry felix. i'm sorry for ever hurting you. you really didn't deserve that."

"bin, it's okay. please tell me you now know that you deserve to be happy." felix said with pleading eyes.

"felix—"

"changbin, i mean it. you deserve to feel loved and enjoy your life. although i didn't know her, i'm sure your sister would not want you wasting away. she'd want you to be happy." felix stated firmly.

"you're right, she always didn't have the biggest heart." changbin smiled slightly as he thought back to his many memories with her.

"so... do you think you can give being happy a try?" felix asked with an innocent smile in his face.

"for you, i would do anything." changbin said sweetly.

"then do it for me." felix responded as he put his arms out for changbin to hug him.

changbin leaned in and embraced the boy tightly and warmly. changbin was ready to start allowing himself to be happy, he just hoped this time around he'd actually make felix happy too.

a.n.

i'm really not doing well if i'm being honest with you all...

it's been hard to updated, but writing is really my only outlet for my feelings so it's actually very frustrating for me to not be able to write. i feel like i'm drowning and it really sucks.

sorry again if updates are slow on any of my stories. i'm writing as inspiration comes to me and lately it's been for stories that aren't published yet so you guys never actually get to see what i write 😭😭

they'll be ready to be published soon though hopefully

love you all<3