🐈🐈🐈

Saying the L word while enveloped in a cloud of lust was probably not the best idea, so in the end I'm glad Jungkook interrupted. However, now the situation I'm left with is how and when to say it.

I definitely feel it and know it in my heart that I love him. I know that Fluffy loves me. I know we're soul mates, supposedly picked by some moon goddess who thought my stupid ass would be a good match for someone with a 148 IQ. Though admittedly, sometimes that IQ seems absent, because who puts on a sock and a shoe and THEN the other sock and shoe? NO ONE. You put on both socks, then both shoes.

Despite this unfortunate habit, I still love him.

But.

Maybe this is a stupid question.

How do I know he loves me? He seems to have an obsession with me. I think he likes me. But love is a different level. So in true Lee Y/n fashion, I overthink it.

What if I tell him I love him and he doesn't say it back? Or worse, what if I say it and he says he doesn't love me? Then we'll break up and I'll be forever alone because let's face it, I hate everyone and highly doubt I could tolerate another guy touching me after Namjoon. Then I'll grow old and be alone with a pack of cats the size of a kindergarten classroom.

Actually...that sounds great.

Except for the alone part. And the part with Namjoon not loving me.

Everyone will laugh at me and I'll be that creepy ahjumma who smells like cat urine and only wears sweater vests and refuses to decorate my house for any holiday or be relatable in any way.

Namjoon will probably marry some other bitch who has a 200 IQ and they'll build rocket ships together and have fifteen kids who are all over achievers and their dad will tell them about that one girl he dated in high school who thought she could be loved.

He'll be all: "This is swell. I always desired a couple nippers but that smelly twat, Y/n, did not. Bloody hell."

I have no idea why, but Namjoon is British in this alternate reality.

I'm wrong and over thinking things and simplifying his feelings. In the back of my mind, I understand that and know that he wouldn't treat me like a queen if he didn't feel the same in some respect.

The problem is that same old insecurity that kept me from wanting to date him in the first place. You're disgusting. When I was depressed those words were a constant gnawing on my self confidence, trying every nonsensical argument to put me down and keep me there. Now that I'm in a better place they aren't so loud anymore, yet sometimes they'll come back and hit me right where it hurts the most.

After every word, kiss, touch, and action Namjoon has done that proved those words false, it feels wrong to still have their presence in my mind. Worse yet, to believe them. I try to ignore them. I really do. But erasing damage done isn't so easy.

I ask Eun-ji and In-guk for their take on it. The both of them share a meaningful glance and erupt into laughter.

This honestly hurt my feelings for a moment before Eun-ji started wheezing between fits of laughter. "Remember his face?"

"What...?"

Confused, I look to In-guk for answers but he only replies with, "Remember when he pissed his pants?"

"What! Who pissed their pants?" I look back and forth between them, trying to make sense of what they're saying but get no real answer.

Not until after three whole minutes of this when Eun-ji wipes tears of her mirth from her eyes and says in the most nonchalant voice ever: "Right, so In-guk like, totally beat the crap out of Kris when he treated you like he did."

"What in the what?!?"

"Y/n, you should have been there!" In-guk giggles and holds onto the cramp in his side that had developed from laughing too hard. "He was all—" his voice adopts a pleading tone, "please stop, it hurts."

As if this was the most hilarious thing ever, both of my friends start laughing all over again. What the hell is going on? Since when is In-guk a gangster and why is he beating people up for me?

"When did this happen?!?" I ask, thoroughly perplexed by this entire admission. How had one of my best friends beat up my ex and never let me find out about it?

"Like, an hour after you told me about it." Now that they've got their giggles out, her voice is bored as she studies her nails. Apparently Eun-ji is low key gangster as well? "We didn't tell you cause we thought it would upset you."

That was the right decision made at the time. Even if he had hurt me I was still in love with the jerk.

"In-guk was so cool then." she grins over at him as though a fond memory was playing back in her mind's eye. "He hit him till he screamed uncle. Put him in the hospital. My poor Guky had to do hours of community service to keep it off his record."

My whole perception of reality is being tested right now. Since when does In-guk put people in the hospital? When did Eun-ji decide this was all normal? How the hell had I never heard about this? We all went to the same middle school. How was this possible?

It's morally wrong, but I can't help feeling honored, in a twisted sort of way. For some reason my friends like me enough to stick up for me like that. We're all terrible people, and it's good we found each other.

I think.

"Anyway," Eun-ji brushes the conversation off, either not noticing or not caring that she just blew my brain up. "Like you said, you're totally over-thinking things with Namjoon-oppa. He loves you. He probably wants you to say it first since you're so finicky.

My mouth opens to argue that I'm not finicky, then I realize I have no grounds to base that argument on and decide to shut up.

Dad and Ronald's wedding is in a week and unfortunately, this meant that the family is coming to town. Figuring they had to be the utmost annoying, they forwent the reasonable option of staying in a hotel, or just MEETING US THERE, and decided to crash at our place instead. Auntie brought an entire suitcase stuffed with soju bottles which, honestly, is the only bright spot in this. Uncle was fine apart from the fact that he insists he's allergic to my cats and acts like everything in our house is contaminated by some deadly virus.

Ji-ho could get hit by a bus and I probably wouldn't cry.

The first thing I heard when they got here was Auntie yelling, "JI-HO DON'T PUT ROCKS IN YOUR MOUTH!" resulting with my cousin on the floor, screaming and throwing a fit. This ended with offerings of candy, because bad behavior should be rewarded, apparently.

Fifteen minutes in, dad looked like he hadn't slept in three days and Ronald displayed a mixture of fascination and fright when met with this new family he was willingly stepping into. Regardless, he introduced himself and tried to make nice.

Uncle: "You know gay marriage isn't legal, right? But yeah, congratulations."

Auntie: "Will there be booze at the ceremony? It's not a real wedding if there isn't alcohol."

Ji-ho: "Uncle, you kiss a boy? Ewwww!"

I can't wait till he grows up so I can punch him and face less legal repercussions from it.

Ronald, unused to this particular brand of torture, simply blinked and looked at dad for guidance, who rubbed at his eyes while muttering, "Jesus, take the wheel." Only to be met with a slap to the back of the head from Granny and a, "Don't take the lord's name in vain!"

This made absolutely no sense. Granny is only religious on the holidays so I'm not sure where she's coming from.

What made even less sense (at least in my mind) was for Ronald to be super extra and rent out an entire inn for everyone to come stay for a weekend. Sure it was small, cozy, and by the beach, but did we really have to invite everyone to come stay? That's like if Jack and Rose escaped the Titanic but then invited the boat to come and crash into their wedding and kill them all.

That analogy made no sense. Nothing makes sense anymore. I'm just angry and annoyed and want to punch everyone in the throat. At least I've got a supportive boyfriend who listens to my complaints and comforts me.

It's the day before we all drive down to the beach and after school he'd asked if I wanted to see where he would usually run when he was in full Fluffy form. This implied a hike through the woods.

Exercise isn't my favorite thing in the world but I accepted because I wanted to make him happy. Also I am curious about where one might go to strip naked and prance through the woods as a werewolf. Well, I guess Fluffy doesn't prance. From what I've been told, Jungkook prances with his cat alongside him, but that's probably due to his age and the fact that Jungkook is cute no matter what he does.

As expected, we ended up in the forest, trekking through the thick foliage and listening to the chirping of birds flying overhead. The weather is comfortable enough for neither of us to need a jacket but my eyes water a bit, despite the allergy medicine I'd taken to stave off the worst of the symptoms. It's late spring, but still spring enough to make my sinuses try to kill me.

"Here, I'll carry you." Without my asking Namjoon squats in front of me and motions for me to get on. I'm not tired but I accept the offer anyway. It doesn't happen often but I like when he carries me. It makes me feel small and cared for.

Not forgetting that I have to tease him in everything he does, I jump onto his back, putting as much weight and force into as I can. To my disappointment, he doesn't budge at all.

Instead he loops an arm under each of my knees and stands up, chuckling at me.

"You think you're capable of hurting me? With those puny muscles?" he teases.

"Maybe not physically. I could probably emotionally cripple you with a few pointed words, though."

His laugh echoes through the air and I cuddle into his back so that hopefully, he understands my words aren't meant to be taken seriously.

As our walk continues in a comfortable silence, I attempt to covertly take a whiff of the back of his neck. All tan and temptingly bare, save for the silver necklace wrapped around it, and the ends of his blond hair now teasing the area just below his ears. I lay my face against it under the guise of resting, breathing in to see if I can catch any trace of mint chocolate chip.

None. He smells like Namjoon. Soap and clean. Was I imagining it before? The situation then was somewhat chaotic, so maybe something in my mind decided to cope by making up this scent?

No. That's stupid.

"Do I smell different when you're Fluffy?" Granted, I'd only see him as a wolf once but he might remember.

He hikes me higher up on his back and steps over a fallen tree trunk. "Not really. Why do you ask?"

"Because you did...when I turned." The admission makes me feel shy and I'm glad now for the unnecessary piggy back ride since this hides my face from view.

"I did?" This doesn't appear the phase him much because his walk continues uninterrupted. "Like what?" his voice drops, "did I smell like dog?"

"No." I answer quickly to prevent him from thinking the worst. A grin moves my mouth upwards when I remember. "You smelled like mint chocolate chip ice cream."

"I apologize you had to smell something so disgusting."

My lip curling slightly, I fight to urge to pinch him. Mint chocolate chip ice cream is the bomb, don't fuck with me, Namjoon! I'd already told this man it was my favorite flavor, how dare he insult me in this manner. What he doesn't know is that I would fight to protect my favorite ice cream's honor. But that argument will have to wait.

"No, you smelled good. Like...really good. It was mint chocolate, and maple syrup and something else. And I felt...strange." My chin bumps into his shoulder when he suddenly stops short.

"Strange how?"

A little weirded out by his reaction and still feeling shy, I bury my face in his shoulder before answering. "Um...good. Really happy. Like I found something I'd been missing. My first instinct was to scent you." I admit and tighten my hold on him. "I thought it would go away but you smelled better when you..." my words trail off when I realize my next statement sounds exactly like something Namjoon said once. When you smell like me. He smelled ten times better when he could be identified as mine.

So this is the animal side to me. This is where that comes into play. He's my mate, and that part of my person seems to have recognized that immediately. That's why he smelled so good. That's why my first instinct was to scent him. Now that I understand it better, embarrassed is the last thing I feel. Pride and happiness mix, sending a new wash of emotion through me.

He's mine.

I'm his. That's ok now that I grasp the meaning behind it. It doesn't mean I'm his in a literal sense. It doesn't mean I belong to him and he can use me for whatever he wants. It doesn't mean that he sees me as property. It means I'm his mate, we were made for each other and belong with and not to each other.

I love him. And I should say it. I push myself to speak before anything can stop me.

In the same second he looks over his shoulder and our eyes meet. His teeth have his lower lip between them but he's still smiling, his eyes bright and the one dimple I can see making itself known. He looks positively giddy. "Hold on."

"Huh-YAH!" As the air whips my hair back and the surroundings turn into a blur, I scramble to grip him tighter.

Shocked by the sudden and unexpected burst of speed, I can comprehend enough to know that this is not by any means the rate of speed a human would be capable of. Is this how he beat me to school that time I tried to run from him? How had no one noticed a grape-haired teenage boy darting down the sidewalk faster than any car passing by?

Right, cause that's what I should be focusing on right now.

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Edited 6/3/22