“Wait, so you make synthetic ones?”

“POINT, that's a vague enough question to allude to something else entirely, but even if such was the case, I'd still answer yes. Everything from synthetic chips to synthetic dips.”

“How do those taste?”

“POINT, like pain and regret. A sharp pain usually, starting with the tongue and ending with your body being taken over by nanobots who are under my control.”

“Seems very elaborate to indulge in your kink though.”

“POINT, well it's rather niche. Not a lot of good porn out there that deals with robotic mind control.”

“I... was joking.”

“Remind me to stay away from anything that involves you and starts with the letter D.”

“POINT, good advice. Now how are you going to deal with this dragon on steroids? He should be done about now with the evil whisperings. Also, why are you waiting for the dark figure to finish his evil whisperings?”

“I just find it rude to disturb people.”

And suddenly the hero finds it...

“I said people, not plot devices.”

Understood. The dragon attacks and hits everyone for 5D20. No saving rolls allowed and everybody who survives dies again. The end.

“ I evade your bullshit attack twice and make you eat enough dice that even a swimming pool of whiskey won't stop you from shitting out natural twenties for the next few months.”

The hero will have to roll a 1d20 for that combined with his.... luck stat. Fuck.

“HAH, FUCK YOU! Go and eat those dice, dice boy.”

The hero's instructions are negated by his intelligence and wit still being zero.

“Don't I get a saving throw for that?”

There's no saving this hero. Now look ahead and get back into formation, the dragon is about to attack.

“No worries lads, I got this. I cast P-p-p-elvic-c-c barrage-euhm... aga? Agagaga? Something gagagaaaaaaa Definitely an a and a g in there. But in a random order. Could I write it down perhaps? My character sheet is on my other personality who doesn't have self respect and actually enjoys playing V&MV.”

“POINT, virgins and more virgins?”

“Yup. Seems like that brain of yours isn't just for indulging in degenerate porn.”

“POINT, only 99% is permanently occupied with such gruesome porn that it would make the baby Jesus weep. Which coincidentally is another one of my fetishes.”

“Dude..”

Dude...

The dragon also said dude... as he was busy preparing his attack.

“POINT, it's about the power dynamic, okay? Seeing these godlike beings weep because they're being a little bitch about something harmful like porn really gets my nanobots going.”

“Shouldn't it be harmless?”

“POINT, not the type of porn I watch.”

“Oh god, eww...”

“POINT, pain and regret, hero. Remember it well. Savour it with your soul.”

“I'm not waiting for that damn dragon any more. Otherwise we're going to get educated by William, but like, in a bad way. That scars people for life.”

“POINT, how is that different from regular education?”

“I presume there's a lot less chains and whips. Instead it's a monotonous grind into the dirt until you lack the willpower to convince yourself you're not dead yet.”

The hero has activated his Uber-depression, he hits himself in his confused stupidity.

“Oh, there's no confusion there, just a clear mind in a shitty grimdark world because some two bit author gets his kink on from writing dark stuff mixed with unsuitable humour.”

The hero has doublecast his cliché depression against the author, it had no effect. You need at least a level 100 depression to incite any damage on this author. He already has levels 1 through 99 installed. You can check your current level of depression in your character sheet.

DING! Working too hard for a lazy joke.

Level 13, your new lucky number.

STRENGTH: 0

INTELLIGENCE: 0

AGILITY: 0

DEXTERITY: 0

LUCK: 301. You don't deserve a famous movie quote.

READERS: 103 (Come into my web said the spider. Then I put it into a small cup and put it outside. Because a slow death through low temperatures is what this smug, little shit deserves.)

ACHIEVEMENTS:

'Oh you lucky so and so.' - S

'Innate asshole' - SSS

'I'm a kitchensink, daddy!' S

Slayer of children – Too Common, it's sad, really.

Kind of a dick. - D

ABILITIES:

'Pelvis thrust' – On cooldown: 2147483647 years.

'Pelvic barrage' – On cooldown: 2147483647 years.

'Pelvic barrage-aga' – On cooldown: 2147483647 years.

'P-p-p-elvic-c-c barrage-agaagagagagagagaaaaaaa' – On cooldown: 2147483647 years, twice.

Depression. Level 5, grandmaster.

BATTLE FORMATIONS:

Ice-menorah

Just standing around like headless chickens with a stick up their ass.

Hell-menorah

“Why are all my abilities on cooldown?”

Common decency? Too many complaints from helicopter parents that didn't want their children reading such filth. Knowing full well how much Slughorn ejaculated at Snape, which seems to be a much less problematic book nowadays, with a much more problematic author. But she has enough fuck you money to turn it into five musicals and a movie. So she stopped caring while everybody else can't stop themselves from ejaculating fiercely about the wizarding world and how exactly they magic away their excrement at least twice a day. Still the closest and most available book that leans into the concept of an uber mensch. As people can magic away their shit and fat, so no imperfect people should ever exist. WHERE WEARING GLASSES IS A FUCKING LIE AND A FASHION STATEMENT. SO WHY WOULD YOU HAVE YOUR MAIN PROTAGONIST WEAR THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE?

“Are you finished?”

Sadly, yes. In so many ways. The dragon attacks again with half his usual motivation and punches the hero in the chest with a few of his personal dice, which technically weren't allowed in this V&MV session. But this dom will allow it for now as it entertains him and takes care of his crippling new dice addiction.

“Don't you mean DM? Wait, shouldn't you be the narrator?”

This dom gets paid triple this way while disturbing the mind of the story's main character. So it's a win-win-bi-winning situation. For oneself, not you. Never you.