Memos: Sanctuary Internal Reports #1 (From the Computer of Director Nicholas Stone, of the Rosemary Branch)

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-Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

-Caleb Cross, Advanced Combat Specialist and Jr. Agent Teacher

-Ripley Parker, Head of R&D

-Ramona Wilson, Chief Medical Officer

-Lance Patton, Head of Soldier Operations and Deployment

-Madeline Faust, Head of HR and Jr. Agent program

-Francis Cho, Head of PR department

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Francis Cho, Head of PR department

Subject: Re: Channel 4 Interview

I’ll have all but one of the requested personnel available on the given date.

While I understand your desire to show off Cross as part of our rehabilitation program, I feel we should wait until he has properly settled into his place here at the Rosemary branch before allowing him on a wide scale broadcast.

As for the rest of the requested personnel, please get with Faust to schedule time away from their duties for proper coaching for Press Interviews. Given some of the interviews done under my predecessor I feel a remedial course is necessary before every interview going forward.

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Madeline Faust, Head of HR and Jr. Agent program

Subject: Re: Concerns about Cross’s position

Regardless of his position as our branch’s ‘Redemption Case’. One of the points making him eligible for the program was that he turned himself in after endangering a child. As such we feel leaving him in close contact with them will only bring out the best in him.

Should you have any concerns with his actual treatment of the children we can revisit this, but I must ask that you at least give him the benefit of the doubt about his capabilities for teaching the children and keeping them safe.

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Lance Patton, Head of Soldier Operations and Deployment

Subject: Re: Weapon Requisition

Your request for specialized armaments has been approved.

While I personally don’t believe the additional equipment will be of value with Cross’s placement, I do however understand your and the staff’s concerns with him after the failure of the previous directors’ last three redemption cases.

That said, this does fall into an overlap between your and Parker’s departments, so you’ll have to talk to her about resource prioritization and just what kind of contingencies you wish to request.

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Ramona Wilson, Chief Medical Officer

Subject: Re: Clinical Trials

Your request to run clinical trials on volunteers has been approved.

Please forward the paperwork to both Faust and Patton regarding who has volunteered, so that their temporary re-positioning can be filed.

Additionally, should Cross apply to these trials please reject him. He has an innate healing factor which would throw your trials off, unless you’re trying to find the proper dosing for a Deviant with an enhanced poison resistance.

(Note: Even then he works with children and we should not risk inebriation even if unlikely.)

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Ripley Parker, Head of R&D

Subject: Experiments

It has come to my attention that my predecessor allowed you to experiment on our lower ranking staff members. I’ll be requesting that you stop, because while Dr. Wilson and her division can heal most of the damage done by your division; it still generates an ungodly amount of paperwork for you, me, Dr. Wilson, Faust, and whomever is in charge of the person you experimented upon.

I’m sure we can all agree we have better things to be doing than wasting our time on meaningless paperwork. Especially when the contents of that paperwork leads many people to draw comparisons between you and your father.

As an alternative you may experiment on Cross, his healing factor will undo any damage you do to him that wouldn’t immediately have you arrested for crimes against nature. What’s more he’s enough of a sadomasochist that he won’t even complain about it.

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Cross

Subject: Re: Re: Proper Student Self-Defense

Yes, your job is to teach the Jr. Agents how to defend themselves.

This does not mean training a nine year old how to fight, and then unleashing them upon a high school so that they can build quote ‘street cred’ by fighting kids twice her age. Especially when half of the kids you send them to fight are Deviants or suspected gang members.

And no, the fact that she won all of her fights does not excuse this, nor can you label this as a practical exam.

If you must give the kids a practical test then have them kill and dismember Creeps or robots, or something that won’t get us sued while having their parents ask questions about what you're teaching their kids that I’d rather not answer.

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Lance Patton, Head of Soldier Operations and Deployment

Subject: Re: Re: Weapon Requisition

Just because I approved your request and said I understood, does not give you permission to test all of your contingencies on Cross. While he may have found it amusing, it was also a massive waste of funds.

The next time you feel the need to try and kill him, use something cheaper like a lead pipe or anthrax in his food. (Note: Don’t bother with cyanide; as the name suggests it's one of the main components of his favorite drink ‘cyanide and happiness’.)

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Madeline Faust, Head of HR and Jr. Agent program

Subject: The Cake Incident

While I understand your enthusiasm for making staff feel appreciated by remembering their birthdays and bringing them cake and a home cooked meal, I must request that you no longer drag the entirety of the base into these parties given how it grinds work to a halt.

Seeing as how there were complaints that some members of staff felt they were in a quote ‘fucked up hostage situation’ of some kind, attendance of such events should be optional so that the staff knows who truly appreciates them and who is faking it. As honesty is the best policy on these kinds of matters, people should know who their real friends are.

Barring that, can you at least not stab someone who insults your mother’s recipe by refusing to eat? It makes even more of a mess for our janitors to clean up after the party.

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Caleb Cross

Subject: The Knife

Please don’t use knives covered in your coworker’s blood to cut and eat cake, especially while making eye contact with said coworker as they bleed out to quote ‘establish dominance’.

Or at the very least don’t return said knife to the cake after using it. It's unsanitary to make people use the same utensils you’ve had your mouth on. Next time use your own plate and fork so everyone can enjoy the cake.

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Francis Cho, Head of PR department

Subject: Re: Yearly Calendar Ideas

While I appreciate the value of the yearly calendar as a method of earning both PR credit and financial revenue for Sanctuary, I must veto the majority of the ideas you have put forth.

Largely because I have no desire to see Patton nude, and you know that if he heard about it he would attend regardless of theme to show his support for Sanctuary.

Additionally, I’d rather not subject everyone to the heckling and psychological trauma Cross is bound to subject him to.

Perhaps you should consider some of your previously submitted ideas? I heard last year’s calendar was quite popular.

Oh and before I forget, I’m filing an HR complaint with Faust for your comments on how I shouldn’t be quote ‘afraid to show a little skin’. She said she’ll be holding a special seminar just for you this Friday.

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Ripley Parker, Head of R&D

Subject: M.A.D. Harassment Complaint

It has been formally requested that you quit dragging the M.A.D. staff away from their projects so that you may show off your own, and explain why you are superior to those quote, ‘cheating dumbass M.A.D.s who need powers to even reach half of my genius’.

Additionally, Faust has informed me that your actions have led to nearly all M.A.D.s requesting transfer to other branches. Fortunately these were all rejected by the branches they were requesting to be transferred to but it does set a worrying precedent.

Namely that they aren’t loyal to our branch and may one day snap unleashing a zombie virus or robot uprising in a vein similar to the zombie virus and robot uprising you’ve accidentally unleashed upon the base in the past.

In which case I will be forced to divert R&D funds to repairing the base and bribing staff not to sue anyone.

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Caleb Cross

Subject: Psych Eval

In hindsight this was a horrible idea that I should’ve stamped out long before you actually attended said eval with an emergency order and appropriately used black mail and bribery.

That said, I would like you to get together with Patton to discuss the merits of psych warfare. I’m fully aware you were manipulating your psychiatrist into having a mental breakdown but your techniques could be a useful tool when dealing with the Deviant threats we can’t get a hold of through standard means.

P.S. I’m taking your psychiatrist’s therapy bills out of your pay.

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Ramona Wilson, Chief Medical Officer

Subject: Re: Re: Not Treating Patients

While refusing to heal people to teach them a lesson is an understandable prerogative, that outside of a crisis I can allow. Actively harming your patients for being quote ‘dumbass motherfucking whore son of bitch’s bastard’ is however not acceptable.

Kindly resume medical treatment before someone sues for failing to fulfill our end of our health care contract.

(Note: If you really must punish them then I’ll remind you that painkillers are not actually guaranteed by our coverage plan due to resulting mental impairment of officers and possible addiction issues.)

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Lance Patton, Head of Soldier Operations and Deployment

Subject: Faust’s Cease and Desist request

Faust has formally requested that you stop trying to get her to reveal the dark secrets of her bloodline, and that I point out she is not related to that Faust.

Thus she will not help you in recruiting demons for your efforts in killing Cross.

(Note: If you do manage to sell your soul to a demon, you only have permission to sell your own. Everyone else's belong to me as Branch Director.)

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Caleb Cross

Subject: Re: Re: Taking the kids on a field trip.

When you asked to take the kids on a field trip I thought you were asking to take them into town, maybe a hike through the woods, or even a trip hunting demons somewhere.

I was not consenting to you taking them to another dimension so that you could overthrow a medieval kingdom because one of your students wanted to be a quote ‘pretty pink princess’ for their birthday.

Do you have any idea how much paperwork you’ve caused? How close we were to getting sued by the Jr. agents' parents?

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Francis Cho, Head of PR department

Subject: Re: Party Requisitions

It legitimately worries me about my predecessor’s actions that you believe an appropriate requisition request includes, quote ‘enough cocaine and hookers to make a Greek orgy look tame’.

Requisition denied.

Also I’ll be implementing mandatory drug testing going forward. Your first one is scheduled for right this second.

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Ramona Wilson, Chief Medical Officer

Subject: Drug Test Results

Given how the entirety of the PR department has somehow managed to fail their drug tests, and ironically the negative effects that this would have on our Public Relations should it get out we will be covering this up and burning the files.

Additionally, given the PR Department’s apparent love of drugs, Dr. Wilson you now have permission to use them as test subjects for any medical trials you wish to run. Should they complain kindly inform them of what would happen to their careers if this got out.

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Madeline Faust, Head of HR and Jr. Agent program

Subject: PR Drug Seminars

Given how the entirety of the PR department has somehow managed to fail their drug tests, and our inability to replace all of them, we won’t be firing anyone. That said, I am requesting that you set up a weekly anti-drug seminar for the entire department to attend every week.

Don’t worry if you can’t come up with that many seminars, as you are free to record the seminar and repeat it over and over again indefinitely.

Hopefully the repetition will eventually stick.

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Cross

Subject: The Drug Testing

While I’m sure it amused you to lace the entirety of the base’s water supply with opiates thus getting everyone high, I feel I should make you aware that I’m having Parker apply filtration upgrades to the entire plumbing system and have told her who is to blame for this upgrade.

Honestly, for you this one was more of an annoyance than anything damaging. Especially since we were able to know who was actually taking drugs and not because the opiate you used was not native to this earth.

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Cross

Subject: Re: Re: The Drug Testing

That is the problem with choosing the cheap solution over the practical one.

Also, we’ve discovered the various strippers and prostitutes you smuggled out of the base for Cho, and I’m making you responsible for teleporting them back to their homes because no, all american sex workers do not come from vegas or reno like you seem to think.

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Ripley Parker, Head of R&D

Subject: Re: Re: Your Father

While I understand that you can’t control him, and that he was with Sanctuary long enough to have a backdoor into all of our security I still must request that you at least try to keep him away from the office.

I already have my hands full dealing with you six lunatics, I don’t need a seventh.

If you want you can ask Cross to strand him in another dimension? Even if he has a contingency that should buy us all a few months of peace.

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Caleb Cross

Subject: Re: Re: Romanov

I don’t care if you claim he’s a time traveler stuck in his younger-self’s body, quit giving alcohol to the minor, because he is still legally a minor!

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Lance Patton, Head of Soldier Operations and Deployment

Subject: Necromancy

It has been brought to my attention that you are currently in search of a Necromancer to resurrect dead sanctuary soldiers so that they may quote ‘keep fighting the good fight’ and have several notes.

First, I appreciate the lengths you are willing to go to for your men and applaud you for trying to ensure they survive whatever comes their way in this hazardous field. (Or partially survive anyway.)

Second, if you can’t find a certified Necromancer, please do not try to have your secretary study the dark arts to become a Necromancer. We both know how much paperwork you generate and how likely she is to turn said dark arts on you. (And yes that would be just you since I gave all secretarial staff a raise my first week here for putting up with everyone.)

That goes for all currently uncertified staff who currently do not know Necromancy, amateurs practicing the dark arts are why we have to put down so many undead outbreaks and demonic invasions. And I’m sure you don’t want either of those happening in our secure classified facility after the last incident.

Finally, Faust wishes for me to inform you that if you were to succeed in resurrecting a deceased member of staff their contract clearly states they would be released from the remainder of their contract with full compensation of their remaining time.

So if you decide to continue your search for a Necromancer, please make sure the people you plan to revive actually wish to continue working for us after the fact so that we don’t bankrupt ourselves on people purposely getting themselves killed and resurrected to get out of their contracts early. That’s how the Gravston Branch got itself shut down.

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Caleb Cross

Subject: Re: Patton’s Necromancy Plot

While I am surprised that you are offering to help one of your co-workers with a personal project that would help improve the base, I must sadly inform you that he has withdrawn his permission request after discovering an entire section of the Sanctuary employee contract revolving around what to do in case of resurrection and the benefits given there-in.

I’m proud to see your rehabilitation coming so far though.

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Caleb Cross

Subject: Re: Re: Patton’s Necromancy Plot

It just occurred to me that the only reason you agreed to help him is because you were hoping to trigger a zombie outbreak in base so that you could justifiably kill the co-workers who annoy you.

Sadly this was banned after the Badger City incident.

(P.S. I retract my pride in you.)

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Ramona Wilson, Chief Medical Officer

Subject: Missed Check-Ups and Drugs

While I understand the necessity of physical checkups in our line of work, especially given the many esoteric substances and such we come into contact with, I must formally request that you quit drugging and kidnapping anyone who misses their appointments.

This is making it significantly harder to squash the unprecedented rumors that you are drugging anyone who refuses to listen to you. Something that as I’ve informed Cross -the only one of who would possibly do such a thing- in your presence, such a thing could see all of us being reprimanded by Sanctuary’s higher ups. (As well as being forced to attend one of Faust’s many seminars.)

As an alternative perhaps you could send the people who miss flyers explaining the horrible things that can happen to them should such conditions go untreated?

I’m sure if you make them nightmare inducing enough most of the staff would comply with your medical requests. (If you need help contact Cross, he’s fairly good at painting images of people in agony.)

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Caleb Cross

Subject: The Music

Kindly quit hiding speakers in the medical bay set to play the chorus to ‘Dr. Feelgood’ whenever Dr. Wilson walks into the room.

While I can appreciate the irony of the song in reference to her, she is getting sick of it and is even more stab happy with her needles than usual.

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Francis Cho, Head of PR department

Subject: Re: New Soldier Uniforms

I have no idea why you thought these would get approved but shirts are and always will be a mandatory part of all Sanctuary uniforms. As are pants.

And no I don’t care if showing off the soldier’s six-packs will do our PR wonders, we’re here to fight monsters, arrest super criminals, and research other worlds. Not to be government funded strippers.

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Caleb Cross; Ripley Parker

Subject: The ‘Alien’ incident

I don’t care if it is her name sake, you two are not to go to another reality and kidnap an alien so that you can play out the docking bay scene. Especially not a parasitic alien that grows within its host’s body before breaking free and rapidly growing.

Additionally:

-Parker you are to dismantle the power armor before Patton gets his hands on it, because he has been asking for it and of the three of us Cross is the only one insane enough to hand it over.

-Cross you are to make sure that every alien you brought on base is either returned or killed before we are forced to shut down the base for yet another outbreak.

(Note: That is not permission to kill any Sanctuary personnel. If someone is infected, send them to medical. Dr. Wilson knows how to extract the parasites without casualty.)

-Out of curiosity did you leave the elder Parker in that dimension? It would make this little event worth it, even if he only disappeared after the fact.

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: Madeline Faust, Head of HR and Jr. Agent program

Subject: Field Missions

It has come to my attention that you have been tagging along on a number of Cross’s field missions, and some of the other agents have begun to worry. Most notably due to the fact that you keep coming back to the office covered in blood and injuries while wearing a manic grin.

Now this is something I would normally expect from Cross, but the fact that you are the one acting like this makes me wonder if he is perhaps being a bad influence on you.

That said, according to Cross’s reports you have proven largely effective as a field agent and are probably the only person he doesn’t actively insult in every single report. So if you are allowed to continue to join him on these missions though I must ask that you kindly ride out your blood high somewhere your coworkers cannot see you. Or at the very least wash off the blood first.

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From: Nicholas Stone, Rosemary Branch Director

To: All

Subject: The incident.

I would like to believe after this latest garbage fire we can all come to an agreement that Cross should not be allowed to manage or host any public event ever again.

Because while yes, Cross’s base assholery is equal to that of the rest of the chief officers of this branch, and yes, he has taken surprisingly well to his role as teacher for the junior agents.

None of that changes the fact that he revels in causing as much mayhem and chaos as possible for the bureaucracy or agents of order. Something I might remind all of you we are a part of despite your best efforts to prove otherwise.

Which is why I will personally ruin the career of anyone who helps Cross in any incident that results in me having to give my higher ups a report with any of the following words: midget, sodomy, dragon orgy, drunk twelve-year old, burning rednecks, robot sex, santa stripper, traumatized serial killer, interdimensional strip poker, zombie prostitute, or resurrecting jew.

And if I ever have to use all of those words in a single report ever again, I am rigging this entire base to a nuclear reaction and taking all of you with me.