- Varia -

Varia fell asleep without realizing it, physically and emotionally drained. His mind remained quiet, reminding him that Maddox’s presence had a profound effect on him. Though his nightmares were pushed back, something else was there, creeping up on him from the dark. If he remembered it in his conscious state he would recognize it as an evil trying to awaken. His sleep seemed short, and he was awakened by a harsh ray of sunlight beaming into his eyes from the open canopy.

His hand lifted to block it, but the brightness of the room invaded his senses. He rolled to escape instead, but as he did he found his face pressed completely into Maddox’s chest. Memories of the night before began flooding his tired mind, and though he nearly felt sick, he didn’t move. He sighed against Maddox’s flesh, taking comfort in the heat radiating from the others body. The dream ended and now he was expected to return to normal. He never had to hide any sort of fondness for others, especially those who already knew. It was all new to him, every bit of the situation he found himself in. But emotions were emotions, no matter the kind. Arcturus gave him an edge over Maddox. He could push them away, bury them deep inside of himself until nothing remained.

Yet as he lay there, more than aware that the Captain was awake, he felt content in the other arms. He needed to take another brief moment like this, to remember. He drew a deep breath, allowing the scent of Maddox to fill his senses. He smelled like forests and he had the familiar scent of Arcturus. Though that wasn’t all. He smelled like Er Rai, Nihal, and even Volcanra. He smelled of a freedom Varia could never have.

Varia finally sat up straight, pulling himself away from Maddox, stripping himself from the Captains arms. He threw his legs over the edge of the bed, a hand moving to ruffle at his own hair sleepily. He didn’t look to Maddox, instead slowly shifting to his feet. His body groaned in pain. His leg hurt, his rear was sore, he could feel the marks Maddox left over his body aching. He felt like total shit. He heard Maddox snort in amusement from behind him, and that caused him to shoot a sharp look over his shoulder.

Amusing when it isn’t you, bastard.

“When do I see the elders?” Varia finally spoke. He crouched, snatching his pants from where they had been tossed aside so carelessly the night before and pulled them over his bare flesh. He was painfully aware of his tone of voice. It sounded the same as always, soft yet stern, full of malice and an attitude Arcturus couldn’t beat out of him. There was something else, though. A sadness perhaps, uncertainty, disappointment. He was not sure, but he could hear it.

“They won’t arrive today. Most likely tomorrow at the earliest, a few days from now at the latest. The elves move at their own time, but your presence on top of mine will inspire them to move a bit faster I imagine.” Maddox answered. Varia could feel his eyes on his back, burning into him. Varia attempted to take the lead on putting last night behind them, pretending it didn’t happen. It seemed to be working, at least.

“I didn’t lie.” Maddox sighed from behind him. Varia turned to face him, his gaze distrustful as he took in the Captains words. “I don’t regret it either. Even if just a dream, I wouldn’t dare forget it.” He had spoken to Varia in Arcturian, the works clumsy on his tongue.

“The elves can take us to a pool, if you want a wash. Forest elves tend to stick to vegetarian diets if you had hopes for a carnivorous breakfast.” Maddox continued to speak in the common tongue.

Varia still lingered on the words Maddox spoke to him in Arcturian. They caught him off guard. He was convinced Maddox would not want to even mention the previous night. Ignoring it made it easier to forget, didn’t it? It made it easier to remain steadfast in their own admission that it hadn’t meant anything.

It was a mistake. It shouldn’t have a lasting effect. We’re meant to forget about the things we felt, forget about the words we spoke and the others we didn’t.

Varia remained quiet for a long moment, his eyes no longer locked onto Maddox, instead past him. He barely heard the words, barely listened to them at all.

I won’t forget either. I don’t want to.

Varia finally pulled a shirt over his head, a deep sigh slipping past his lips. He ran his hands against his hair, attempting to smooth it as best he could, though it didn’t do much to quell his wild locks. “Ruins my plans for breakfast...” He murmured as his eyes turned down to his wounded leg. It still pained him, but whatever the strange women from the night before had done had begun to take effect.

He turned his eyes back to Maddox as the Captain sat up properly and threw his legs over the side of the bed. He allowed his eyes to move down his virtually perfect frame, silently approving of Maddox’s appearance once again. “You need to bathe.” He spoke, before his legs moved on their own.

Varia stepped forward, standing above Maddox, staring down his nose at the Captain. He enjoyed looking down on Maddox. But rather than taunt him as he normally would, as he probably should, his hands reached upwards, brushing his fingertips against his cheeks. It was quite similar to the position that had gotten him into trouble the night before, and he found himself reminiscing of the night they had shared again.

“I won’t forget either, even if I wanted to.” Varia whispered, icy eyes locked onto those intelligent and deep pools of green. He stay there for a long moment, feeling the tips of Maddox’s fingers brushing against his thighs. Maddox’s features turned up into a smirk, and Varia’s lips twitched in response. For a moment he felt that same need and fervor pulling at him, but he resisted it. Instead he pulled back, marching towards the door and pulling it open. The guards stationed outside of their residence looked to him as he emerged, and he gave them a pointed look. “Take us to bathe.”

If the guards knew anything about what had happened last night they indicated nothing. They silently led Varia and Maddox to a small pool just inside the trees, away from the village. It was fed by a small waterfall, tumbling down off of a small rise of moss covered rocks. Brom and Sabre already sat in the pool, the crystal clear water leaving nothing to the imagination.

“You two survived. Sleep well?” Maddox asked as he and Varia stepped forward. He didn’t remove any of his clothes, only his boots, and waded into the water. “Gods, if they wanted to castrate me, there are nicer ways.” Maddox cursed.

He certainly had no problem revealing himself to me last night. When did he become so shy?

Varia scowled as he watched Maddox, removing his own clothes and folding them neatly near the shore. Yet Maddox’s sudden shyness was the least of his concerns. He was both relieved and terribly annoyed that the others were at the pool. On one hand, their presence would assure that he could begin attempting to distract himself from Maddox and his newfound unwanted feelings. On the other, he knew how they looked. Brom had been with him ten years, and should know him well enough to be able to read the situation and conclude what went on last night. Besides that, Varia wore the remnants of Maddox’s hands and lips on his body. He wasn’t entirely sure how many there were, or even how dark they were. Even without the marks he almost certainly wore, the hesitation in his step would be noticed by Brom. Sabre, though Varia knew very little about him, seemed perceptive as well.

Varia continued into the bath, desperate to be cleaned regardless of what his naked body may or may not reveal to the others. The pool wasn’t very deep, but Varia was small enough that he could sit and be nearly completely covered by the water. The water was cold, welcoming him and embracing his weathered body, lapping at the dirt and grime he had accumulated the nights leading up to this point.

He settled into the water near Brom, though keeping a reasonable and respectful distance between them as he normally did. “How are you feeling? Did they say when the elders would arrive?” Brom asked him quietly.

No, they aren’t speaking with us at all. We’re tainted, remember?

Varia snorted, taking one of the small soaps the elves had left for them on the shore. They were scented with herbs and flowers the elves had gathered. Varia was not overly flashy, nor did he care about flowery scents, but it was better than scrubbing at dirt with his hands.

“Your brother predicts they’ll arrive no earlier than tomorrow.” Varia murmured as he ran the soap along his arms and chest. He was vaguely aware of Sabre’s eyes on him. He considered what he may be thinking, if he was appraising his own appearance or if he was aware that he had lay with Maddox the night before.

“Regardless of when these elders arrive, we should take advantage of the hospitality while we can. I doubt we’ll have much down time once we leave.” Varia murmured, his eyes shifting to Maddox. This place had almost started feeling like a sanctuary for the two of them. The moment they had shared last night felt sacred, and leaving here would thrust them back into a world where they were enemies.

The thought disturbed him, the thought that he had become used to treating Maddox as an ally, a lover even. His eyes turned from the Captain at that.

I know better. I fucking know better than to allow myself to be swayed by the Captains touches and words. I’m a sword for Maddox and his cell, nothing more. Anything that happened last night was a dream, like Maddox said.

Brom gave a small noise of acknowledgment to Varia’s timeline, but the two remained quiet. Sabre and Maddox chatted quietly to each other across the small pool. Sabre didn’t look back to Varia, whatever he had assessed was finished, but Maddox kept turning his head to the side, allowing his eyes to drift to Varia briefly every so often.

He’s making sure I don’t run. As if he could stop me if I did.

Varia was not sure where these bitter thoughts came from, but the longer he sat there with the other three, the more irritated he was becoming. Though Sabre’s eyes were no longer inspecting him, he could feel Brom doing it now. Varia didn’t turn to him, scrubbing at his chest and legs under the water.

He’s checking me for wounds. He does this always, this is not new.

Varia was being paranoid. How could anyone just look at another and determine that they slept with their former enemy? Brom had done this the entire time they had been together. He was always concerned for Varia. He wasn’t aware of what happened, and even if he was he shouldn’t care. His eyes found Maddox’s once again, wondering what he was thinking then.

“Be mindful you don’t take too much advantage in sight of the Nihalian. He is very perceptive and very protective of my brother.” Brom whispered to Varia in Arcturian, confirming what Varia had feared. His words nearly caused Varia to flinch. His gaze snapped away from Maddox immediately, focusing instead on the water in front of him. He realized Maddox and Sabre had stopped speaking, and the four were now left in silence. He nearly didn’t respond, almost content to allow the silence to drag on around them. But as he turned his gaze back to Brom, he knew he looked every bit the Demon of Arcturus.

“There is nothing for him to perceive. A temporary moment of weakness and lapse in judgment is all, one that will not happen again. I won’t speak of this again.” His tone was harsh and cold, his Arcturian snapping from his tongue with venom. It was useless to deny anything to Brom. He hadn’t outright told Varia he knew, but it was obvious. He hadn’t whispered, he almost wanted Maddox to hear. He was distancing himself, though he wasn’t going about it in the best sort of way.

He held Broms gaze for a long moment, painfully aware of the glare Maddox had cast his direction. He didn’t care, he couldn’t care. He finally turned back to his task, lowering his eyes back to his arms as he began to scrub at them again.

I need to wash every trace of Maddox off of me. I’m no love sick fool, I was the Demon of Arcturus. I AM the Demon of Arcturus. He can’t strip me of that. I am the most powerful man alive. I don’t need him to give me a reason to exist!

Varia hadn’t noticed his skin beginning to blossom with red from his harsh and feverish scrubbing. In a matter of seconds he had retreated back into the lonely darkness of his mind, moving further from the other’s than he had been even at the beginning of this journey.

I don’t need them. I can rid myself of Arcturus without them. I don’t need Brom, I don’t need Maddox.

WE don’t need any of them.

He heard Sabre whisper to Maddox in a form of Nihalian he didn’t fully understand. He heard Maddox snap back to him in hushed tones. Was he truly that embarrassed that he acted like a normal human? It was only sex, wasn’t it?

Maddox is just trying to gain more leverage against me. This was only one more thing he’s done in order to bend me to his will.

He’s using us to fight Arcturus, to fight our people .

It’s not my fault I was discarded by Arcturus.

It’s Brom’s fault.

It’s fucking Maddox’s fault.

They did this.

They put me in this position. They ruined my fucking life.

They stole the only thing I ever gave a shit about. I left my men behind, my home, my entire purpose was left behind on the ice because they want to turn me on my own people like a fucking dog.

They don’t deserve your powers. They don’t deserve your army.

HE doesn’t deserve any part of you. They did this. It’s their fault.

You’re stronger than them, Arcturus wouldn’t have betrayed you if not for them.

They stole your purpose.

They’re using you.

They’ll cast you aside once they’re through with you. He will kill you once he’s finished using you.

Varia’s hands stopped moving against his skin. His eyes didn’t lift from the water, despite realizing that the other’s had grown quiet and were once again staring at him. He stared at his reflection for a moment, before a drop of red rippled through his reflection, spreading copper through the crystal of the water. It was followed by more drops, and his gaze lifted to his own arm. He had been so angry, so lost in his own thoughts that he hadn’t realized how hard he had scrubbed his own flesh. The skin on his forearm was ripped, blood was smeared against his arm from where he had continued on after it had torn.

The sound of water sloshing behind him suddenly snapped him too. Varia’s eyes shot upwards and focused on the other three. All eyes were on him, which only angered him more. His eyes met everyone’s face, noting the fear and disgust on Sabres, the concern on Broms, and the impassiveness of Maddox’s, before he rose. Without a word he turned, climbing from the pool and snatching his clothing from the ground. Two of the guards turned to follow him, trailing behind him at a distance, which was probably for the best. He needed to be alone, he couldn’t be near the other’s right then.

Something is wrong.

No, this is right. Leave them.

The elves corralled him into the tree house, though he would have gone there anyway had he remembered the way. He stalked into the room, pulling his pants back onto his body, though he didn’t bother tying them up. He paced the length of the wall, hands running through his hair and pushing against his temples. He felt a headache splitting through his skull. It had been so long since he had an episode, and they normally were brought on after battle. This one had come on so quickly, so violently. Had they been anywhere else in the world he certainly would have lashed out and attacked. He felt his rage bubbling in his chest, restricting his breathing and causing his hands to tremble.

Varia paced, considering for a moment to just run. But with Dor’Goth still living inside of him, he wouldn’t get far. His breathing had become short and quick, his chest trembling as he attempted to draw oxygen into his body. He finally gave up his pacing, instead pushing his forehead against the wooden wall, closing his eyes tightly.

He had finally begun to calm down when he heard the door open and close. His teeth grit, his breath hitching in his chest as he heard someone rummaging through the drawers.

“You’re making the elves nervous. What’s eating at you?”

Are you fucking kidding me?

Varia was truly surprised that Maddox had followed him. He half expected Brom. Brom had always known when an episode was beginning, and had always come to try and calm Varia down before he damaged anything, anyone or himself. But he was not expecting Maddox. Varia slowly turned his head, pushing back from the wall. He looked back towards Maddox, his body tensed with anticipation. He could hear Cithrel whispering at Maddox’s side, causing his jaw to clench in annoyance.

Good. Warn him of what he’s walked in to.

Varia didn’t understand the emotions Maddox had begun to force out of him. They were foreign and all he knew was that they were hyper focused around Maddox. If Varia understood his condition better, he would know that Maddox was forcing him to feel much too quickly and too strongly. He needed time to process, he needed time where he wasn’t being actively influenced by a demon. But all he knew was anger. Twisting any emotion he felt into anger and violence was encouraged and rewarded in Arcturus. The voices that were usually so quiet around Maddox were now screaming at him, causing his eyes to close briefly against their wails.

“What’s eating me?” Varia hissed, his tongue poison. He dared the man to step closer to him, wanting nothing more than to drive his fists into Maddox’s face over and over until he made jam.

He wasn’t sure how to answer the question. There were plenty of things eating at him.

Perhaps I should tell him everything. He’ll likely understand.

No he won’t. He’ll think you are broken. Nobody wants a broken blade.

The moment that thought crossed him, he felt his anger rise into his throat, choking him, suffocating him.

How dare he ask such a thing and to expect an answer. How dare he follow me here! I am not his fucking prisoner!

Yes you are. The dream has ended, and you are left reeling from it. You didn’t want it to end, you didn’t want to face reality. He gave you a sip of freedom and want, and you don’t want to let it go.

That is what he wanted. You’re a stranger among them, you’re their weapon. A weapon that HE thinks that he can fuck whenever he feels the need. A weapon that HE thinks belongs to HIM. You wouldn’t be feeling any of this if he hadn’t meddled to begin with. You could be with Arcturus still. You could be home.

Don’t you miss home?

Varia turned from Maddox as the voice in his mind hissed to him. He snatched a cloth from the small table near him, pressing it against the blood on his arm. “It isn’t anything that concerns you, nor is it any of your business.”

He wanted to forget about the dream. He needed to forget about it. He would twist it so many ways in his mind that it would become something else entirely. He could forget. He had to. He didn’t need to be coddled or baby sat. He was useless right now, and Maddox could have let him go off and be angry alone. But he didn’t. Maddox felt such a strong need to meddle in every aspect of Varia’s life.

I am a prisoner. I’m a weapon they chose to tote around. I would rather Arcturus continued to use me, at least I’m numb to them.

He isn’t offering you freedom, he’s offering you death.

Maddox raised a brow and leant against the wall near the door. He had changed from his wet clothing when he had come in, clearly comfortable stripping in front of Varia yet not his own brother or his friend. Another thought that served to anger Varia, though why he did not know.

“Doesn’t concern me, huh? So that loud declaration at the bath was because Brom has grown deaf in the last day, has it?” Maddox challenged. Varia snorted through his nose, turning his eyes back to Maddox again.

Why is he arguing? I’m vehemently putting distance between us. That’s a fucking GOOD thing!

He doesn’t want you to leave! He wants you to stay and be his little whore!

If Varia was being rational at the moment he may understand why Maddox was there and arguing with him. When they had parted this morning it had been natural, calm and agreeable. Even if they had tacitly agreed not to talk on it, there was no hostility, just the slowly fading memory of a pleasant night. Maddox was likely confused as to why now Varia was lashing out.

“If my brother said something he shouldn’t have, punch him in the face. If you have a problem with me, I’m ready to tangle with you any time. If last night wasn’t enough, I can go again. What I will not have is you flipping through personalities at the drop of a hat and then keeping mum about it. You don’t want to talk to me, fine. Talk to Brom, talk to the trees. But even as a weapon I don’t need a ticking time bomb, but a honed sword. If you want out after this reverting to your old ways ain’t it. How quickly you forget that which you said you wouldn’t.”

Maddox certainly has a lot to say all of a sudden.

Who will defeat Arcturus for him if not you? He stole everything from you.

Varia sneered at Maddox and his speech, allowing the cloth to drop to the floor carelessly. Maddox was speaking to him in clipped Arcturian, his words rough with the clumsiness of his tongue. He sounded like a child, but spoke with all of the authority as if he had mastery over every syllable. If Varia had been in his right mind, he would have teased him for it, but instead he responded to his words with threats of violence in his movements.

“Oh, fuck off! I’ve been a ticking time bomb my entire life! You said so yourself that breeders have an expiration date. You already knew that long before you decided to take everything from me.” Varia spat his words to Maddox’s feet. He wanted to hurt him in any way he could. Hurting him physically wasn’t an option at this moment, but though Varia perhaps wasn’t the best at hurling insults, he could certainly try.

But how dare he approach him. Varia didn’t know how to forget. He didn’t know how to react to guilt and embarrassment, both of which he felt when the others knew so quickly. He didn’t know what to do or how to act when he was faced with the thought of leaving the dream behind. He only knew anger. He only knew how to lash out. Imagining himself continuing on with Maddox and pretending nothing had happened seemed impossible. Thinking of how Maddox was so much more experienced in these situations was frustrating. Considering all he had seen in Maddox’s eyes being a lie was not something he was equipped for. He didn’t want it to be done. He craved the compassion he felt, the gentleness, the feelings even. He never knew he craved those things, and now he knew he couldn’t have it.

“I have to forget it, Maddox. I don’t care what I said and I don’t care what you said. I’m going to forget it. I have to, or I won’t be able to be what you need me to be.” His anger was still there, but he had a sudden switch from anger to desperation. He needed help, and Brom wasn’t there. Maddox wasn’t helping, he was making it worse. He could feel the rise of anger again, he could feel his legs trembling under him, his hands moving to brush through his hair.

He hadn’t gone along with this plan to simply strike back at Arcturus, or because he believed they could. He had a taste of freedom then, and once again last night. He had never felt so free, so in control of his own life. But Maddox didn’t need him, nor did he want him for that purpose. He needed to throw him at Arcturus, and Varia would do just that. The only way he could ever be free would be if he died. He wasn’t suicidal by any means, but he was so tired. Death was mercy in his eyes. Every time he looked at Maddox, he remembered the feeling. The small feeling that had struck him last night and even again that very morning. He felt normal. He felt like he could be something other than a damaged warrior. He felt like he could have something like he had the night before, shared with someone who didn’t see him only as the Demon of Arcturus. Someone who didn’t want him for his powers or his knack for waging war. He had never wanted someone like that, he never craved love or anything like that. But briefly, briefly it hadn’t felt so bad.

This sanctuary you built in your mind is a hell, not a refuge.

“If I believed that was all you were I would have killed you long ago. Brom seemed convinced you could be more, and I’ve seen that to be true. And to be clear, I took nothing from you.” Maddox corrected, his brow furrowing. “I gave you a reliable confidant and wingman who still is more loyal to you than anyone, and I’m giving you a chance at freedom and redemption. Might I remind you I am not responsible for how you’ve been raised nor that Arcturus decided you are too dangerous to let live. I didn’t tell you to be so damn good at killing and raising morale. Hell, it would have served my purposes if you hadn’t. Arcturus wants you dead because you took too well to their program and it had unforeseen consequences for your popularity. Don’t blame me for that shit.”

Varia was snapped from his thoughts as Maddox spoke to him again, realizing he was still cornered. He bared his teeth at the other, his eyes narrowing as Maddox closed his eyes and took a deep breath, as if this was exhausting.

You chose to follow me. Don’t act so put off, I’ve not attacked you yet.

But you should. Rid yourself of this foul beast and rise above all in this world.

“And what makes you think you have a clear idea of what I want?” Maddox continued softly, tilting his head at Varia. “What also makes you think you can survive long enough to figure that out, being as you were?” Maddox pushed away from the door and moved closer to Varia headless of the danger, his hands lifted in surrender. “What makes you think you aren’t more susceptible to the demon by forgetting? What do you fight for, Varia? What have you ever fought for? Because you were good at it? Because it was expected? Ask yourself if those reasons are good enough, strong enough to stand up to the will of a thousand year old demon who wants to end your life. Do you have a will not to be used?”

Varia physically recoiled away from Maddox as he drew closer, stumbling back from him as he attempted to put distance between them once more. It wasn’t the movement that had caught him so off guard, but the tone Maddox had taken with him, the words he spoke. He hadn’t been overly vocal about the stress he had been feeling over Arcturus. It had been fairly obvious he supposed, but he hadn’t spoken on it, not since the caves. He had pulled it close to his chest and tried to forget all about it, but it hadn’t worked.

"You placed Brom with me to groom me. I don’t blame you for my upbringing, I don’t blame you for how I turned out, or the fact that I became a viable threat to Arcturus. I blame you for the whispers. I blame you for spreading the belief I wanted Arcturus, you told me you did that. I could have convinced them, I could have stayed doing what I had been doing if you hadn’t fucking meddled!" Varia snapped, his eyes widening as they honed in on Maddox. "You took that from me, Brom took it from me. Your entire fucking cell took that from me, and for what?! To turn me loose on my country? To use the men that will follow me?! Nothing has changed, this isn’t fucking freedom! This isn’t fucking redemption! I'm going to die on the ice fighting for YOU! There isn’t any scenario that ends with me living, even if Arcturus doesn't kill me!"

It was surprisingly rare for Varia to raise his voice in anger. His tone changed, grew harsh and sharp, but he very rarely yelled. But Maddox was taking strides with him that others hadn’t been able too, though Maddox likely wished he hadn’t hit this bump in the road.

"The demon inside of me is clear with what he wants and his intentions. He doesn't expect me to believe that he won’t kill me when he’s through with me. He doesn’t mask his intentions with delusions of fancy, pretty dreams." Varia’s hands were shaking so badly now he couldn’t hide them. They were brushing at his hair, pulling at his long strands, trying to distract himself from the rage that threatened to consume him.

The voices were back and were screaming so loudly Varia wasn’t entirely convinced that they were in his head. It was all so close, it felt like everything was collapsing around him, and Maddox was only making it worse.

"What am I fighting for? I fight for nothing, and no one. And once you’re through with me, you'll kill me. If Dor’Goth will make it more difficult for you to kill me once I've served your purpose, good. It's what you fucking deserve." He was speaking purely out of anger now. These were not usually things he would say to Maddox, or to anyone.

Brom was the only one who had ever seen him like this, and even Brom struggled to help Varia when he started having an episode. The screams were crashing around him, pulling him down with him. They had been so quiet lately. Maddox had somehow managed to fend them off, yet they had come back with a vengeance, and Varia needed someone to take the blame.

Varia was afraid, and he knew Maddox could sense that. He could see it written all over Maddox’s face. He wasn’t surprised Maddox knew he was scared, Maddox had known him for fifteen years. Maddox knew Varia’s anger. Varia’s anger resulted in violence, in him growing cold and lashing out as quick and hard as possible. But despite Varia’s urge for violence, he wasn’t lashing out. He was half venting his insecurities, half speaking aloud his concerns, pacing back and forth before Maddox. It was probably so strange for Maddox to see. As strange as the night before when Varia had shown Maddox such vulnerability and softness. Varia was unsure, off balance and struggling to find footing. Maddox's look of concern only fueled the fire in him.

“To be clear, Brom was supposed to kill you initially. He decided, on his own, that there was something more to you and I trusted his judgment. He was your ally long before he was charged to do any kind of grooming. Second, the spread of you trying to take over would have happened regardless of my intentions. That is just good warfare and was not exactly my idea besides.” Maddox clarified, lowering his arms and taking another step forward.

Varia snapped a glared up to Maddox, before his eyes closed tightly. The pain shot through his skull again, his fists tightening in his hair. He didn’t want to hear what Maddox had to say, but he needed to hear it. Had he been in his right mind he would have appreciated Maddox’s attempt. But right then all he could think of was how loud the screams were. He wasn’t focused on Maddox any more, and perhaps Maddox knew that. Perhaps why that’s Maddox closed the distance between them so quickly.

Maddox reached for him, grabbing Varia’s wrists and forcing him to stop his incessant motions and the pulling of his own hair. Varia jerked back from him, surprised at the boldness. Maddox held his grip, or as much as he could with one busted arm. Varia managed to free one arm and made Maddox pay for it, slamming his knuckles into Maddox’s jaw. But Maddox did not let go of his other arm and used the momentum to swing Varia into his arms, pinning his back to Maddox’s chest. He snatched Varia’s wayward arm, pinning it against Varia’s own chest as well.

“Stop Varia! Listen to me!” Maddox beseeched him, holding him tightly and tucking his face into the crook of Varia’s neck to avoid being head butted. “I have no intention to kill you, not unless you make me! Not unless you give me no choice! I want to give you another option!” Maddox hissed in Arcturian as he struggled with Varia.

Had Varia been in his right mind and not trying so desperately to escape, he would have maybe stood a chance against Maddox. He would have most definitely stood a chance against him, but he did not have that sort of control over himself in that moment.

Though Maddox had a decent hold on him, maybe because he did, Varia was not just letting him hold him and chat. Maddox pushed them towards the bed, falling on his side, trying to keep a hold. “I’m offering you a reason to fight! Not for me, not for Er Rai, for yourself! So that even if I’m a lying bastard you know something more than death and killing and will fight to have it!” Maddox continued. “The only difference between you and I is that purpose!”

Varia balked at the grip, struggling desperately against Maddox as he was suddenly on his back and pulled flush against Maddox’s chest. Maddox had the leverage of the bed, using it to keep Varia restrained, but that only served to fuel his anger even more.

“If I wanted to fight I wouldn’t need your help in finding one! My purpose is whatever the fuck you’ve decided it should be, and it isn’t anything I would have chosen if I were given a goddamn choice! You’ve given me nothing, you only take! I’ll fight for the right to die and finally be free of Arcturus and you and all the filthy people of this world!” Varia roared, his struggles amplifying.

He tried to calm his escalation, knowing he needed to stop. He wasn’t in his right mind, yet he somehow knew his panic and anger wasn’t entirely his own. Dor’Goth was there, he could feel him. But that didn’t matter.

Varia only ever needed a single opening to turn the tides. Even in the middle of a breakdown, Varia was absolutely one of the deadliest men alive, maybe more so when he didn’t quite realize what he was doing or who he was fighting. Brom wasn’t there, and Maddox only seemed to be making it worse.

It happened in a moment. Varia had only been trying to flee, to escape from Maddoxs clutches and run. But in his struggle, his elbow came back to connect with Maddoxs sternum. A crunch sounded from the force, and when Maddox gasped in pain his grip on Varia had loosened. Without a single hesitation, Varia had twisted from Maddoxs grip, flipping the two men over so Maddox was on his back beneath him, his legs pinned tightly to the man’s waist. Varias hand shoved downwards, grasping Maddox around the mouth and forcing his head back against the bed roughly.

He could hear Cithrel screeching, he could hear his own demons, he could hear the thunderous laughter of Dor’Goth, all of it was so loud. As he stared down at Maddox, he didn’t see the man he had grown to know. He saw another person who was adamant on using him. He saw another liar, promising things in order to turn Varia on whomever he wished.

He saw the Hero of Er Rai, his enemy, the man he so desperately wanted dead.

He could see Maddox’s eyes widen with the realization that Varia didn’t recognize him, or worse, saw him as an enemy once again. He looked frightened. It caused his arrogance to swell, and only served to fuel his rage.

The shadows around Maddox’s head grew darker, shifting and bubbling. Everything grew dark in his vision, honing in on his prey, on Maddox.

The screaming hot pain slammed into his skull with such force he was certain he would die. The elves magic was strong, much stronger than Varia. The pain interrupted all murderous thoughts, and halted the voices in his mind. His hands immediately moved from Maddox, moving to his own head, clasping over his ears, as if that would help. He curled into himself, a pained gasp leaving his lips followed by a pathetic whimper.

Had they been anywhere else Varia would have killed Maddox. The guilt would sink in eventually. It always did. He had lashed out and attacked Brom plenty of times, but never like that. Never this badly. He fully intended to murder Maddox in the very bed they had loved each other in just the night before.

Varia closed his eyes tightly, feeling the threat of tears pushing at him from both pain and shame. He felt Maddox shift from under him, sitting up halfway. Varia slowly opened his eyes to peer up at him, his shoulders trembling as the pain began to subside. Maddox’s own breath was harsh due in part to the partial suffocation as well as their tussle. Maddox’s hand reached out for him, hesitating for a moment before he gently cupped Varia’s cheek.

For a few long and agonizing moments the pair sat there, Varia’s hands clamped over his own ears, one of Maddox’s rested on Varia’s cheek, their eyes locked.

Finally Maddox’s other hand lifted to Varia’s other cheek, pulling his face up to lean in. The words found him, and suddenly Varia felt fine.

“Use me.” Maddox whispered in Arcturian, bringing his face close so that he only had to whisper. “Use me, Varia. More than I use you, until the very end, before I have a chance to do whatever it is you fear. Use my knowledge and past to find a way to control the demon. Use my alliances to break all chains that would hold you down to any country, to anyone. Use my emotions, arrogance and understanding to find something besides war and death to live for. Use me however you wish, as hard as you wish, and before I’m done with you, if you are convinced still that I intend your death, use all of it to kill me first, to break your last shackles. If you cannot trust me, Varia, then use me.”

Varia’s gaze became focused once more, his eyes locked with Maddox’s. This was comfort, a strange comfort he was not used to. He took Maddox’s words in, and despite everything telling him to disregard Maddox and his words, he believed him. He was comforted by his words, by that gentle touch. Perhaps he was exhausted from his episode. It had come on so quickly and had become so intense in such a short amount of time. He’d had worse episodes in the past, but this one felt different. Perhaps it was the Graves, perhaps it was Dor’Goth, perhaps Maddox. He wasn’t sure. But they had never been brought on by so many emotions, emotions he rarely, if ever, felt.

Nothing that Maddox tried to present to him in that moment seemed plausible, yet Varia leant into his touch, craving it. Maddox leant in, pressing his forehead against Varia’s. Varia managed to swallow his tears.

I know better than to fall for fancy words.

Or… perhaps he didn’t know better. Perhaps that’s what had been happening to him. Maddox hadn’t meant to throw him off the way he had. Perhaps Maddox was speaking the truth, or trying to. There was something there, something he didn’t understand and something he wasn’t sure Maddox understood either.

One of Varia’s hands fell from his head, moving to touch one of Maddox’s that rested on his cheek. He felt himself soften then, knowing his gaze revealed another vulnerability. Fondness, passion and care. He didn’t understand it at all, and he feared the way he felt. He feared it more than Arcturus, more than Dor’Goth, more than anything he knew he would have to face. This was the worst thing he ever had to deal with, and yet he welcomed it.

Varia felt his heart slow finally, his breathing returned to normal. Somehow Maddox had brought him back. Somehow Maddox was able to combat his episode without any prior experience in dealing with them. Varia’s eyes fluttered closed for a moment, the sensation of Maddox’s breath on his lips causing him to return to the happiness and calmness he felt the night before.

“I’m… sorry.” Varia whispered suddenly.

That's strange… I never thought I’d apologize to Maddox…

The words were foreign to him. He hardly had to apologize for anything, never felt the need to, yet in that moment he had to apologize for so much. He wasn’t even sure what those reasons were, and he didn’t expect Maddox to know either. Perhaps he was apologizing because his feelings were blossoming into something more. Perhaps he was apologizing for attacking him, or showing him this weakness. Perhaps he was apologizing for all of the horrors he had forced Maddox to witness over the years.

He didn’t know. But as he watched Maddox’s lips pull back into a genuine smile, as he took in his tone, his expression, the care in his touch, he realized that the dream was real and it hadn’t left.

And he didn’t want it to.