Chapter Three - Menus And Their Frustating Commands.

Whooo, I am so going to be the badest mother clucker in the history of the supers. The Immortal I am going to call myself. I will go into battle, fearless of dying, giving it my all, then when it looks like I am going to be defeated, WHAM! I will blast out with my badass mega kamikaze spell, and fry the shit out of my opponent, whether it be Hero, Villain or a poor mortal who could never measure up.

Yeah, it’s not like I am on an ego trip or anything. It’s just that the possibilities for my powers are almost literally limitless. If it does turn out that I have a HUD and a skill list like an RPG, with the unheard of bonus of Reincarnation, then the sky is the limit. Or maybe the moon and stars are the limits if I can grow strong enough. Just imagine, I get myself to Level 100, with hundreds of points in my stats, then I can just kill myself, get the ten percent added to my base, then start all over again.

You know what, I really should learn to keep these thoughts to myself, because, I swear, I can feel the pop-ups just waiting for me.

Well, not even five minutes after your latest cock-up, and We get to bitch slap you all over again. We should warn you, that after each death, you will spend twenty-four subject hours in this space, times your death count, with no upper limit. Good news for you though, after this Incarnation, we will be strictly handed off, unable to offer any helpful advice, which we know that you will miss terribly, although we will still be watching. We have to say, you are massively entertaining when you die, so, keep up the crappy work. Tu-la-lu. Ciao.

Again, arseholes, through and through.

A full day in this white void. I am not sure that I am going to be able to stay sane in here, unable to tell the time. Wait, well shit, looks like they really are still listening. Perhaps concerned for their entertainment to be firing on all cylinders, or in my case, maybe on three quarters of pure genius cylinders and the others on just regular quality. Hey, everybody needs some down time, hang out, play some games, watch some movies (Not just the dirty kind), and just generally let your brain get some rest. Because there, in the upper right corner of my vision, almost in my peripherals, then is a count down timer, displaying: 23:52:09.034.

Right, so that helps some. Now what to do. Do I:

Pull my finger out my arse, wipe it off, and start to practice my balance and sneak skills, in the hopeful chance that their progress still counts for being in this half-way place, or Go to sleep, and hopefully wait it out, or Well, there probably is a option C, but I can’t guess what it could be. Do, or do not, there is no option C

Well, being the type of person that I am, I just want to stick to those pricks up there who are hoping for the Lolz. Well, fuck them, I’m going to lie down, close my eyes, try to sleep, and wait the timer out.

And guess what? Turns out Option B is not a valid choice after all. For the instant that I close my eyes, the timer seems to stop, hanging at; 23:49:56.098.

Looks like I am going to have to pull my finger out. Why? It so warm and soft up there right now. If only I had slight longer fingers, I would be able to have a much better time than I am now.

Looks like I don’t have any choice it seems. Well, I wasn’t feeling sleepy in here anyway. Hmm, I don’t seem to be feeling hungry at all either. No cravings, I don’t feel like I need to take a whiz. Crap.

Oh well, looks like I will have to get off my beautiful and plumb bum and start doing something.

Time passes, but no new notification pop-up, and yes, I did try all the standard phrases you will usually hear your heroes shout out to bring up the Menu’s. “Status”, “Character Sheet”, “Skills List”, and endless variations of therefore. But the rest of my vision stubbornly remained blank. So all I could do was to practice my Balance and Sneak skill at a slow crawl across this ‘Space Void’, or as from here forth I shall name ‘Whitey’.

Each time I tried to speed up into a full on walk, I would lose that precise Balance, and my ‘Shoes’ or whatever it is that I am wearing in Whitey, would lose me my silence, and though there is no sound as such, somehow I can still ‘Feel’ like I made a noise. It’s a bit like feeling luck. Somehow, without any indication, before you start a game of cards, or dominoes or whatever it is you like to play, you can almost Literally feel Luck turn against you. You know. Like you know when you are in love, it is just a deep down feeling that you cannot prove, or even adequately describe, for there are no words to actually describe, no words that really come close.

And so, I practiced with these two skills, hoping that it was not time wasted.

Taking a break, still not feeling weary, or hungry, or any sensation really, I take a peek at the countdown in the top right of my vision: 11:36:00.096

Bugger

Eventually, the countdown is in the last second of being finished: 00:00:58.657

So there goes my Idea of killing myself of when my stats get high enough. If I had to spend increasing amounts of time, more whole days in Whitey’s loving embrace, then I will definitely loose it. Maybe having access to more skills to practice will make the time pass quicker. I really, really, really hope that I have made some skill progression. It feels too much like work, not the work that is life fulfilling, but that soul crushing, boring, tear inducing work. Without the sweet rewards, I will definitely turn into a coward, hide in a small room, in a medium sized town (Small village are notorious for the hidden killers, or where the whole town turns out to be into human sacrifice of new comers to guarantee a good harvest. Weirdo’s), continue on with my normal, and utter safe job, and do my utmost not to die.

Hope your hearing this, skill progression or no entertainment. That told them. Hah.

Countdown: 00:00:13.677

Want to count it down with me? I know you want to. It’s the little things that make life so worthwhile. Come on, I’ll start.

Eight!

Seven!

Six!

Three!

Two!

No, wait! Five and four are missing. What the hell! Can’t you retards even count!

One!

Thunderbirds Are Go!

Without the fanfare or even a pop, or a sparkling of magical stars, I’m back in the real world. In a strange room I’ve never seen before. The bed is more of a camp bed. With neatly ordered sheets at the foot, with a single limp white pillow that must have seen better days.

The walls were a drab brown colour, not like worn and fading wallpaper where the residents liked to chain smoke the tar and nicotine into the walls to give them that comforting feel that only addicts can really appreciate, but the kind of brown where a motel is trying to save a quick quid and by the most inexpensive brand of wallpaper that exists. Ones that manufacturers probably churn out for the very sector that is probably the biggest repeat customers, who favour quantity over quality and durability. So, like, yeah, a fucking rat hole would be a step up from this shade of shitty brown. Eh, that probably is the colour’s name; Doggy Dog Shit Brown.

It is around ten feet by six feet and seven foot in height. Most likely a SOR or Single Occupancy Room. I wander why I ended up here. And just seconds after making this cursory observation, a series of windows start to open in my field of view:

Name Please Select Guild N/A Race Please Select Affiliation N/A Gender Male (Barely) Disposition Sarcastic Age 23 Minutes Level 2 Alignment N/A Experience Locked Strength 2 (Base 1) Wisdom 2 (Base 1) Endurance 2 (Base 1) Charisma 2 (Base 1) Dexterity 2 (Base 1) Luck 2 (Base 1) Agility 2 (Base 1) Mental Fortitude 100 Intelligence 2 (Base 1) Character Points 1000

“Cool”. This is like, so awesome (Please think of an airhead chewing bubble-gum when I say ‘So Awesome’. It’s like, so, super important. *Pop*)

I don’t know if you are aware, so I will explain some things in the now, rather than the later. Supers when they appear, take a new name. Like ‘Wonderboy’. So lame. So anyway, when the Hero or Villain is in costume, their Super name is how they go by, so that is how you hear them. In actuality, as a Villain in the early 80’s explained in an interview, they really go by their original birth name, but when they speak their name, in costume, the listen hears that name translated into their Super Name. So like, if I was in costume, if I told you, a member of the public, my mum or another super, they would hear something like, ‘Mr Awesome’ or ‘Skeletor’.

Even if you knew my real name and knew what my costume was and everything, if I was in costume, even trying to think my name, it would be automatically translated in your head. It gets really confusing and weird at times. When I am not in costume, you would know that my name is JJ but you wouldn’t be able to connect me with ‘Mrs Six Pack’. And yes, there are supers that actually use those names.

Everybody, just before they appear in their new life, gets to pick the name that they will forever, from that day forth, go by. So a new Hero/Villain name is very important.

But, so you can guess, it is very easy to get caught up in the moment, lose your cool, and choose a truly ridiculous Pseudonym. Look at me with the big words.

As for the powers and appearance the Super comes back in, they don’t get a choice, or if they do, they don’t remember that choice.

But it looks like for me, that I get the ultra-perky perk of getting to choose my race it seems.

The first thing to do, of course, is to choose my new name. It has to be something both valiant and sinister. I want my enemies to tremble in fear, and my minions to tremble in awe. Decisions, decisions.

I take a few minutes to deliberate, and I think I finally have the perfect name.

I don’t know how this works, so some experimentation is in order I think.

First – Try moving my finger, like a click, on the ‘Name’ option. Nope, no dice. Come to think on it, that would be a truly stupid thing that I would have to do. Just imagine that you are in my midst, and you are cowering before me as it is proper, I have my the most inspiring speech you have ever heard, and a notification starts to blink. I am going to look like a complete twat and loon stabbing at the air for no visible reason. In fact, I wonder why the UN didn’t instigate this features, even for the chance to cause me more grief.

Then again, they did text that they would be more hands off, so maybe the system they have implemented would run more like the original, rather than the custom built one that they probably imagined for me.

Finally, a break. Yeah. Whoo.

Thinking about it logically (I know, why take the fun out of life, rather lets go for the random chance of screaming out and trying anything and everything else), how would I have chosen to select everything. Then it becomes obvious. I would have made it a conscious thought, like a typed command, not something that could be randomly chosen from out of the blue. Like, ‘Command, Open Status Menu, Chicken Noodles’. But then the UN are sort of retarded, no understanding that there are other numbers between six and three. But let’s give it a try.

“Open Status Menu, Name”. ‘Open Status Menu, Name’. Nope, neither saying it out loud nor thinking it out loud, neither works. This is probably going to take a while, so if you want to bugger off for a while, I’ll call you back over when I have this sussed.

The clock on the wall (Yeah, I might have missed that on my first pass, but helpfully the status menu is on like fifty percentage transparency, so that kinda helps), shows that nearly two hours and ten minutes have passed. My throat is sore, my patience is at an end.

There is just one option left that I have yet to try. And it is just utterly humiliating. I am. Going. To have to ask. For. Help.

I know, what self-respecting gamer ever asks for help. But eventually, you run into a scenario, and no matter how much effort you put in, no matter the areas you explore, or the items you try bashing with your fists, you have to look at the cheats, or ask for help on the forums.

It is especially annoying for me if you get the lights on puzzle. Where you step, and all the adjacent lights on the puzzle turn on, or off, depending on their current state, and the light you step on goes the other way. I thinks it’s called ‘Lights On’ or ‘Lights Out’. For some reason, my brain is completely defeated, and I have to look up the walkthrough.

But I have to man up, and ask for help.

Hoping that this works, I think very clearly, and precisely, “Help Menu”.

After what do you know, it actually bloody works. Finally:

Congratualtions, first time opeing help menu detected. 500 exp awarded. To open the various menus, please think clearly in your mind for: General Status 'Mental Status Menu, Alpha', for Inventory 'Mental Inventory Pocket Dimension, Beta', for Skills 'Mental Skill List, Charlie', for spell list 'Mental Mana Menu, Delta'. Please check back here for additional menu commancs as they are unlocked. To set name and race, please think clearly; 'Name, Alpha' and 'Race, Alpha'. Options shall be presented. Please note that until Level 100, race shall be locked to default but new options shall be presented for consideration. For more information on a stat or skill, please think clearly of the attribute, followed by the code deisgnation for the menus.

Finally, and now look upon my shame. Sigh.

And with that, I rethought my name choice. I was going to choose something suitably impressive, but I always promised myself that if this chance was given, that I would choose the name I have always dreamed of. And it was most definitely for the Lolz.

‘Name, Alpha’, I thought. A sub menu opened;

Please Select New Name New Name Has Been Selected: Dude Name Dude Guild N/A Race Please Select Affiliation N/A Gender Male (Barely) Disposition Sarcastic Age 23 Minutes Level 2 Alignment N/A Experience Locked Strength 2 (Base 1) Wisdom 2 (Base 1) Endurance 2 (Base 1) Charisma 2 (Base 1) Dexterity 2 (Base 1) Luck 2 (Base 1) Agility 2 (Base 1) Mental Fortitude 100 Intelligence 2 (Base 1) Character Points 1000

This is so cool, just think, when someone calls out, "Please save me Dude!", that will be so hilarious. Or if they beg. "Please have mercy Lord Dude, spare me, I have a family, I have money, please tell me what you want and spare me, PLEASE!", and I will be like, "Did you just call me Dude?", "Did You?". "For being so disrespectful, I will now dip your balls in a vat of acid, and laugh at your agony. Boys, take this maggot out of my sight and deal with him". Yeah, this has limitless possibilities. Nothing can go wrong.

Now for the next part:

"Race, Alpha". Again, a sub menu pops up, by slighly larger this time;

Race Menu; Please Choose From the list Below: Dragon LOCKED Dwarf Vampire LOCKED Demon Human LOCKED Angel Elf LOCKED Changling Locked LOCKED Locked Locked LOCKED Locked

What the Hell! You tempt me with the though that I could be this badass new creatures with all these new stats, and they are fucking locked. What. The. HELL!

Breathe, just breathe JJ. Calm down. Maybe they represent the possible Level Up options Level 100 like the help menu said. Yeah, that got to be it. But, just, Damn!

I wonder if I can get any information on the later available races, just for future references, not to torture myself with the missed oppurtunity or anything. "Human, Alpha". Nope nothing comes up. Maybe. "Human, Race, Alpha". Aha, result.

Human - Gains attribute points at each character level, across all attributes with the forumla: Level - 1 / 10 (Rounded Down) + 1. Eg. Level 10 will give 1 attribute point to all attributes. Level 11 will give 2 attribute points to all attributes. Race will also gain 1000 character points per level to spend in Store.

Will gain 100 % to all skill progression as base. No handicaps or advantage will be gained. Humans can learn any skill possible outside of Race Sepcific Only Skills.

Humans tend to magically weak. Spells are restricted to common spellbooks only. May gain unique spells upon experimentation influenced by the luck attribute. Mana values are defined at Intelligence x 10, and regeneration at Wisdom / 10 per second. All spells will cost 300% of base values. Cooldowns are at 500% of base values.

Humans Start out with 1 in all atrributes, not gaining any base advantages. This represents baseline attributes on activation.

Store Prices are set a 100% if base value, and may lower in price with various skills, influenced by the Charisma contributions.

Well, that is a lot of information, I wonder what the store points can be spent on. Maybe later. Oh, well, Human doesn't look so bad after all. "Select Human".

Please Select Race From Menu Race Selected: Human Name Dude Guild N/A Race Human (Default) Affiliation N/A Gender Male (Barely) Disposition Sarcastic Age 23 Minutes Level 2 Alignment N/A Experience Locked Strength 2 (Base 1) Wisdom 2 (Base 1) Endurance 2 (Base 1) Charisma 2 (Base 1) Dexterity 2 (Base 1) Luck 2 (Base 1) Agility 2 (Base 1) Mental Fortitude 100 Intelligence 2 (Base 1) Character Points 1000

Not looking too shaby. I'm feeling a bit tired now. I think I will take a little nap. Bye for now!