Kif logged in and stretched. He had been forced to skip a day of gaming to cover for one of his coworkers and was now looking forward to restarting his training. There were only 2 days left until the Side of light’s army attacked and Kif wanted to attempt a few hazardous to his health things before it began. His current armor was a patchwork of badly sewn leather scraps that goblin Mi had thrown together. The nice expensive leather set he had worn for the helping the elves quest had been burned badly and his current patchwork was all that had been salvageable. He had at least managed to recover Hrolk’s sword and it was going to stay in the chest until the day of the battle started. Kif pulled out one of several rusty daggers that he kept in the chest for respawns and left the spawning area.

Traveling through the goblin city he passed the old Goblin Bu and set his sights on the other side of the city. While he had been training near the top of the cavern for the survivability quest Kif had spotted what looked like a pond in one corner of the cavern and that was his destination. ‘This quest is likely going to be out in the open and if we end up defending a proper castle with a moat knowing how to swim could be useful.’ he thought. As a goblin he couldn’t actually learn any skills, but practicing it to make sure he didn’t sink like a stone seemed feasible. Arriving at the pond he noted that it was empty. Nothing living was in it and a faint mist could be seen rising from it. He cautiously cupped a small amount of water into his hands and brought it to his lips to taste the water. Lime, that was the flavor. The entire pond contained a large amount of dissolved limestone. While not outright harmful, it tasted pretty bad.

Shrugging Kif stepped into the pond. He started by simply letting himself sink with a full lungful of breath. It turns out that goblins bones and muscles are so dense that they don’t float like a human or elf would so he quickly straightened up for the next test. Taking a new breath Kif pushed off and attempted to swim by using the forward crawl. The pond was maybe 100 yards across and Kif quickly reached the other side. Kicking off he returned using the Breaststroke. This was harder as it required him to go under water for part of the style and getting back up to the surface was tough. Taking another breath Kif attempted the back stroke, and almost drowned himself as he was unable to keep his speed high enough to keep himself from sinking. He paused, on the far side of the pond to recover his stamina and look out at the goblin city.

‘I only have this place to myself for 2 more days. They announced yesterday that the next stage of the beta was going to happen and they would be letting the next wave of testers join straight at level 10. I’ll have to catch as many of the important quests as i can first.” he thought. Kif looked around the edge of the pond and where it met the cavern’s wall near where he was. He was going to attempt the Butterfly stroke back to the city side and wanted to see if diving was a possibility. As he glanced around he noticed a dark spot on the wall, it looked alot like his lair skill. Kif edged his way around the pond to the dark spot and touched it.

[Rumble]

The sound echoed through the area and with a loud crack, the pond started draining away. Kif looked down to see that an opening had appeared at the bottom of the pond and stepps looked to be leading down it. The water stopped flowing down into the opening when the pond was halfway drained, leaving the stairs and the darkness underwater. Some small glowing eels swam out of the opening showing that the underwater area was lit up, partially. Kif gathered his courage, stowed it away for later and decided that death by drowning couldn’t possibly be that bad. Taking off the scraps he had on except for a necklace of leather holding the dagger, Kif took a deep breath and dove in.

The passageway was poorly lit and led the goblin on a circuitous route down some stairs and through empty hallways. Dark opening appeared on each side of him, showing further halls. Any doors that had used to exist down here had long ago rotted away. As he was starting to get desperate for air Kif saw a few small bubbles of air trapped by the ceiling. He quickly swam up and gasped in a new lungfull before continuing his exploration. He noted that the air pockets were separated out and, the eels seemed to congregate around them, which made finding further air bubbles easier. After 20 minutes of swimming Kifs eyes were starting to burn. The lime, dirt, and random angered eels were combining together to make further swimming difficult. Kif made the decision that he needed to turn around and get back to actually training. unfortunately for him, all the eels he had passed had taken to following the stupid goblin out of curiosity. All the passages he had passed through, along with their accompanying air bubbles were hidden in the pitch dark water filled catacombs.

With the choice of slowly drowning or continuing on Kif swam towards the next lit area. It was another 10 minutes before he saw light that did not originate from the eels. Swimming up to it his head broke the surface of the water and he was now in a well lit open cavern, quite far from the Goblin Lair. He pulled himself out of the water and started looking around. This close to the center of the Volcano the air and water were both pretty warm so walking around in a wet loincloth wasn’t much of an issue. The light was coming from around a bend in the cavern from the water pool so Kif crept up to the corner slowly before looking around it. His eyes widened in awe at what he saw before him.

Before the stunned goblin was a large open cavern, easily twice the size of the goblin city, and two thirds of it was covered in large glowing red crystals. Most of the crystals were 9 foot tall or taller, only a few approached Kif’s size and none were small enough for carrying. The last part of the cavern was where the light was coming from. The larvae that fed the goblin river was visible flowing up towards its release point in the goblin city. A magical barrier kept it from flowing into the cavern and disrupting whatever it was that these crystals were for. Kif walked up to the closet crystal and touched it. A ripple traveled the surface of the red crystal like the entire thing was made of water, and before the goblin could react the crystal opened up and wrapped itself around him. Absorbing him much like a slime would.

[Your character has been knocked unconscious. Should it survive you may log back in in 10 minutes when it wakes up.]

With that Kif was forcibly logged out.

10 minutes later Kif logged in to experience himself being forcibly launched out of the red crystal into a wall.

-10 hp

He impacted head first and slowly picked himself back up to his feet. The crystal had launched him across the cavern and before him was a human sized doorway. Hoping that nothing else untoward would happen to him, and experiencing a migraine that rivaled having a man take a drill to his skull, Kif stepped through the doorway to see what was left. Inside he found a single room home complete with a rotten bed, a bookcase with 1 book in it, a work desk, and a skeleton of the dead owner sitting in a chair. On the desk was a second book along with a large amount of dust. Kif stepped in and picked up the desk book first.

[You have acquired Mad scientist Bjorn’s journal]

[You are unable to read the journal as you do not know the language it is written in]

Seeing nothing else in the room He picked up the other book.

[You have acquired Idiot’s guide to “oops is shouldn’t have touched that” By: Bjorn]

[This book is written in goblin. The AI thinks you should read it!]

“Ha ha very funny.” Kif said as he looked at the two books. “The only problem is I don’t have an inventory and i drop EVERYTHING I HAVE ON ME WHEN I DIE!!!” he then yelled in frustration.

The journal was probably worth a ton in an auction house to whoever could read it, but Kif saw no way to get it to the goblin village intact as his current path home was diving through the defencive barrier for a quick lava roasting. Fire and books don’t mix that well.

Kif sat down and opened the idiot's guide to “oops i shouldn’t have touched that.” “So in summary,” he muttered. “Every few hundred years an insanely greedy archmage or researcher is born in the Side of light. After carving out a swath of destruction they are generally kicked out by the people in power and forced to come build a home here. This guy knew matron rue and devoted his life to researching immortality. He’s the person who crafted the Lair spell that all goblin elites know.” Kif set the book down after finishing it. At the end it described the red crystals as HexTech Mutation engines. One engine was designed for each playable race that the mad scientist had known about and would unlock some secret for anyone of that race who touched them. Kif counted 50 large crystals and 20 more that were smaller than him. it was only a 10 minute logout for him if he picked the wrong crystal. He decided to find the goblin one and hopefully gain some new power to make all this time spent exploring worth it.

Three hours later Kif discovered the goblin crystal. It was the closest to the lava flow and only a little taller than him. Upon touching it it flashed green before engulfing him.

[Your character has been knocked unconscious. Should it survive the transformation you may log back in in 6 hours. A mini game has been provided to allow you to influence the transformation. You must pass one level for each hour needed for your transformation or it will fail.]

Kif opened his eyes. He wasn’t in the game anymore, instead he was back in his game lounge. Instead of just having Global Conflict’s icon floating in front of him he had 2. Global conflict with a 6 hour timer that was slowly counting down, and crisis of self, the minigame. Kif opened up crisis of self determined to succeed. Hardmode was fine and all but he really wanted to gain some broken skill to make up for his races shortcomings. The loading screen finished and the game opened up.

[First stage. Survival horror. Don’t let the infected eat you for 20 minutes.]

Kif, the goblin avatar, was in the middle of a burned out building in zombie central Houston. He recognized the sign for the galeria across the block. A snarl made him aware that his spawn location had zombies in it moments before he was tackled to the ground. His vision went red as the zombie ripped out his throat and he died.

[You have died. would you like to try again? successive attempts incur penalties]

He selected yes and the stage loaded again. This time the goblin needed to live for 25 minutes. Kif immediately started running upon loading in the middle of the street. He saw zombies running out from both sides of the road, exiting most of the empty buildings and chasing him. After 25 minutes of running the streets of his hometown he succeeded the stage.

[Second stage, Robbery survival. Some burglars have broken into your home. Kill all of them to survive. Burglars left 3]

Kif’s character woke up in bed. Quickly getting out he grabbed his rusty knife off it’s necklace and snuck out of his room. There was a man eating a sandwich while going through some dressers in the room he entered. Quietly moving up behind him Kif slit the man's throat and covered his mouth as much as he could while the man died. He then moved into the next room. It was a kitchen and in it another man was emptying the pantry. There was a kitchen counter in the middle. Kif moved around it to attack the second burglar. He was noticed as he got near and a quick struggle happened before he managed to stab the burglar twice in the gut. The commotion brought the third burglar who pulled a gun out. Kif ducked behind the counter then watched as the first bullet punched clean through it. Deciding he needed to take a chance he straightened up and threw his knife. It missed and the burglar shot him in the head.

-15 hp (Few people believe in stopping weapons with their head. you are one of them. Aren’t you lucky your skull is so thick?)

Both Kif and the burglar were amazed he survived, not wanting to take any chances he quickly rushed the man and tackled him. Kif headbutted the man twice before retrieving his dagger and ending the scenario.

[Third stage, spicy jalapeno contest, Out eat the reigning champion, Jalapeno’s left 100, Taste buds settings locked to Max]

“O my god,” Kif whispered as he saw the mountain of green pain in front of him on the contest table. Kif slowly took a seat and asked the host, “Can we drink water with them?”

“Only one shot every 5 to make it fair.” the host replied pointing to a one ounce shot glass.

“Alright contestants!” the host said to Kif and the Champion.” Lets put thirty minutes on the clock! The contestant who eats the most Jalapeno’s Wins. Ready? Go!”

Thirty agonizing minutes later Kif succeeded and the stage vanished.

[Fourth stage, Belcher's bluff {Motivational quest}, Out belch Gristle the dwarven drunk.]

Kif was sitting in a brightly lit tavern. Loud music was being played and dwarven barmen were running around refilling ale to hundreds of tired dwarven miners. Across from Kif was an over muscled dwarf with [Gristle] floating above his head. There was a full mug of beer in front of each of them. Gristle picked his up, drained it in one go, and.

{Braauuuuuup}

Kif felt a noticeable wind from the force the dwarf put into it. Taking his own mug he quickly drained it then inhaling let loose his own.

{Braaaaaaap}

Only barely, he thought he had managed to beat Gristle. When the notification didn’t pop up he watched as one of the barmen refilled both mugs immediately. Gristle emptied his ale, then pulled out a small silver bottle marked [Fire breath]. He drank one gulp of it and let loose.

{BuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrHHHHHH}

Knocking Kif out of his seat with the force. Kif lay down on the floor trying to think of what to do. Remembering his glory days back in highschool and middle school, Kif took several deep breaths and swallowed, putting as much air into his stomach as he could. Getting back up he grabbed the mug, took just a sip and let loose. Arching his throat and carefully using his jaw.

{BwUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP}

Gristle jerked and looked actually stumped for a moment. “What have i been doing with my life?” the dwarf exclaimed. “Boys, I’m not about to let some damned demon imps sit in our halls while goblins come and cheat us in drinking games! Get your weapons, we are taking back our home.”

[Fifth stage, Cooking surprize {Historical quest}, Cook something so inspiring the world’s cooks will speak of the act for ages, servings necessary 4]

Before Kif were an array of ingredients from the game, Flour, apples, eggs, rice, sugar, and other base items. He was in a large middle ages kitchen and at a table at the end were 4 Chef’s watching his actions. He took in all the items and thought back to his days in college. In real life he had spent his first semester not truly knowing what he wanted to do with his life. That semester he took an introduction to cooking class at his college's Food service college. The professor had been a decent chef, but it was the visiting chef that really surprised him. Kif’s professor had somehow gotten the head Chef in charge of the main menu for the North Korean/South Korean Peace talks. The chef had taught the students 1 dish, the most amazing egg roll Kif had ever had. His own version had been terrible in comparison but, the chef had shown them everything from making the rice wrapper through the cooking and serving.

Kif went to work and, 3 hours later had 4 perfectly wrapped egg rolls plated to look amazing. He brought them to the Chef judges and stepped back.

[Stage 6, Run, Run without stopping, Time limit = the mutation engine completes its task]

Kif looked at the explanation for the stage, then looked around his newest surroundings. He was in the forest and on a dirt path. Sighing he started running. After 10 minutes he heard a roar and a large monster broke out onto the path behind him and took chase after the goblin. He quickly sped up so the monster did not catch him. Further ahead a tree trunk appeared in front of him across the path. Kif leaped over it and kept going. Another one appeared at chest height and he again leapt over it. A double set appeared at chest height and 6 inches over it. Kif slid under them light a baseball player hitting a plate then immediately got back up and ran. The monster bulled right through the tree trunks sending splinters everywhere. The path Kif was running on had become an obstacle course and the trees soon gave way to ruins. Kif kept running and the monster, it’s shape ever changing, just kept after him.

Three hours into the run the path took Kif into a cave. Here the obstacles became slick rocks, Stalactites and stalagmites, and random Cave spiders. Looking behind him he noted the monster had shrunk down to about 7 feet tall. It’s features had taken on a humanoid shape. Kif continued following the path faithfully until it hit a dead end. Reaching it the wall in front of him opened and he saw a familiar site. A large room of Glowing red crystals of varying sizes lit by a lava lake flowing UP to likely feed the goblin hometown’s river. An arrow was floating above his crystal and Kif put in a burst of speed to reach it. Touching the crystal he looked behind himself one last time to see a mirror image of himself. This Kif calmly walked up and put it’s own hand on the crystal then stepped into it.

[Ding, Congratulations on surviving the Mutation Engine]

[You have unlocked new skills]

[New skill, Utility equip/Minor has been gained][+3 levels][+ one egg roll]

“Display Utility equip/Minor”

Utility equip /minor

1 utility slot. The player may place one non-combat item in the utility slot for quick access. This slot is accessible from the player's belt and does not count towards the player's storage bag limit. Items in utility slots are not dropped on death and can not be stolen.

(Examples of items that fit in a single utility slot are as follows.

1Coin pouch

1 healing potion

1 mana potion

1 cooking utensil

1 20 food ingredients pouch

1 20 slot alchemy ingredients bag)

(all other bags and utility items require a minimum of 2 utility slots.

Kif looked at the information as he held the eggroll the system had rewarded him with. “One Item slot, I sit through all that torture and all i get is one item slot that can’t even store weapons! FUDGE!!!!” he screamed. Depressed, and mentally exhausted Kif dropped the egg roll into the slot and walked into the Lava.

[You have died, would you like to respawn?]

“Not just now, Log out.”

(Author’s rant. Woo, day one down. )