Here I sit,

With a troubled heart.

I brace to shit,

Instead, out comes a loud fart.

Nice right? I like to think so. You know, it’s actually a really good thing I farted instead of pooping. Why? Well, to be honest, I have no fucking clue how to flush this…bucket? Am I sitting on a bucket? I think I’m sitting on a bucket. Why the fuck would they use a bucket in replacement of a toilet? How the hell did technology evolve here? Weird direction it took. Why a bucket? Unless, this isn’t where I’m supposed to shit. But there is water inside and water clearly filled the bucket when I entered. Maybe if I leave it’ll auto flush. Let’s try leaving. Exit the restroom, close the door, open it again… 

Nope. Didn’t auto flush. Hmm. How the hell do you flush? And if I did take a shit, where is the toilet paper? Or is it bucket paper? I don’t see anything I would use to wipe my butt. Hell, there aren’t even three shells here. This planet is weird. Do they just shit in a bucket and leave without wiping? Gross. Note to self; don’t do anal with anyone. Their assholes are probably really gross. Wait, you know what? I have never done anal and probably never will. Never saw the appeal. Buttholes are for shit coming out, not putting shit in. Weird ass fetish people have. Hehe. Ass fetish. Pun totally unintended there. 

But anal is awesome since it’ll feel nice and tight, Lindsey! 

Shut up Lindsey. You’re an idiot. Okay, enough of that inner argument. Let’s get back to what we were about to do. We may have a major problem here. 

I grab The Contagion Swarm textbook and leave the restroom. I sprint to my siblings’ room with the book in hand; Volt and Blake are not going to believe this. These Contagions are actually a serious problem. Maybe. Like, holy shit I’m on an alien planet kind of…wait, I am on an alien planet.

Uhhh, like holy shit Lindsey will die a virgin before doing something awesome. Waaaaait. I’m not a virgin. And I do awesome things all the time… Meh, we’ll figure it out later. I’m nearing their room right now so I should probably knock. Actually, fuck it. Let’s just barrel in. It’ll add to the dramatic effect. I kick the door open and tumble into the room. 

“Guys! Guys! Guys! We have a maj...Oh. You’re fucking. I see. Carry on. Use a condom…Huh. The carpets do match the drapes. Mystery solved.” 

I turn, leave the room, and shut the door. I can hear them cussing me out and something about tearing out my insides. Or was it make me eat my insides? That doesn’t make sense. If I eat my insides, where would my insides go? Inside itself? So, I eat myself until I become a head? My brain hurts. Whatever. Not important. What IS important is that I had just solved one of life’s major mysteries; gingers have red hair down there. Who knew? Well, probably gingers and those who have had sex with gingers. 

I take a deep breath and head back to my room. I guess I’ll just wait until the morning to talk to them. I am tired so I’m going to collapse on my bed. I have no idea what time it is but I am sure I will not be getting enough hours to sleep tonight. It’s pretty late right now. Sigh. I’m exhausted. Let’s close my eyes and go to dreamland. I love how this bed just...swallows me. So comfortable. So… 

“LINDSEY!!” 

You have GOT to be fucking kidding me. 

“GET OUT HERE, LINDSEY!!” 

Damn it Volt. Just go back and continue to have sex with your wife. Sigh. Fine. Fine. Fine. I’m coming. Heh. Coming. Cumming. Get it? No? Fuck you. 

“Hello dear older brother. How may I help you?” I ask innocently. Well, pretending innocence. 

“Damnit Lindsey, do you know to knock?!” 

“Put a sock on the door next time.” 

“Fuck you, Lindsey. What did you come in for?” 

“Oh right. Hang on. Let me grab something. Okay. Let’s go. I need to show this to both you and Blake as well.” 

“Fine. This better be important.” 

“Well, it’s interesting for sure.” 

We walk into the room and Blake is sitting in the bed wearing a shirt. She angrily looks at me but it soon passes when Volt walk over and gives her a gentle kiss on the cheek. Heh, good old brother. They both sit under the covers and wait for me to say something. I throw textbook at them. 

“Take a look. What do you see?” 

As the open the textbook, their eyes grow big. They start flipping through the pages, sometimes skipping a few. The descriptions do not matter. It was the images that mattered. Blake looks up first. 

“Lindsey, this is impossible!” 

Volt shakenly closes the textbook and turns to me. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, struggling to find the words to convey what he is feeling. I know, man. I was the same way. 

“Blake,” I say, “has Sky finished recharging?” 

“Yes, but I had it go on standby for the moment since…well, you know.” 

“I’m sure Sky wouldn’t have cared if you let it watch.” 

Blake rolls her eyes as she reaches towards the nightstand where Sky is, transformed into the same block that I had originally found it in when it was in my cryopod. She turns it over and starts to…you know, to be honest, I don’t really know what she is doing. Sky is Blake’s very complicated and one of a kind creation. How it got in that block of metquid is way beyond my understanding. When Blake was fiddling with a block of metquid earlier, I honestly had no idea what she was doing. In all seriousness, I’m pretty smart but Blake makes me seem like a toddler who is just learning how to speak. Wicked smart and beautiful. Volt hit the jackpot. 

Sky activates and starts to transform into its default form of a falcon. When it finishes its transformation, it flies up and lands on Blake’s shoulder. 

“Greetings Creator. I believe you just upgraded my power cells?” 

“That’s right Alpha. I also installed one of the solar packs so you don’t need to shut down to recharge now.” 

“That would be very satisfactory. Thank you, Creator.” 

I clear my throat loudly, causing Sky to turn to me. Alright, let’s get this started. 

“Sky, earlier today, you said that you had detected energy sources…” 

“Actually, Captain Lindsey, I detected lifeforms that scanned as energy sources.” 

“Right. In what direction were did those readings come from.” 

“West of our present location, sir.” 

The three of us hold our breaths. We were all thinking the same thing. The only problem was that what we were thinking, should be impossible. 

“Sky, can you run a scan to the other landmass?” 

“No, Captain Lindsey. I was only able to scan that as we fell from orbit.” 

“Do you still remember the data from those scans, Alpha?” Volt asks. Stupid question. Sky is an AI. 

“I always remember, Mr. Crane.” 

Told you. Dumbass. 

Volt nods, like he is just as smart as Blake and me. Psh. Yeah right. Oh wait, he’s talking to Sky now. “Alpha, do those lifeforms contain nanotechnology?” 

“Processing. Yes, sir. They do possess nanotechnology. However, they differ from the nanites contained in your bodies.” 

I take a deep breath and I ask the question that we are all thinking. Oh man please let us be wrong about this… 

“Sky?” That wasn’t the question we were all thinking, by the way. 

“Yes, Captain Lindsey?” That was Sky speaking. Not me. Also not the question we were all thinking. I take another deep breath. I ask the question, knowing that I will probably regret it. 

“Sky, within those lifeforms, did you detect traces of the Drillers I built for the Europa mission?” 

“Processing. Standby. Yes, Captain Lindsey. I do. It was very faint but I did find traces of the Drillers.” 

Fuck. Me. 

I glance over at my siblings and they are staring at me. What? Why me? Stare at each other. Go back to fucking. Don’t look at me. I didn’t tell my robots to try to kill everyone on this planet. I still think they are innocent. Maybe. Okay, probably not. But still… 

“You guys know that I didn’t program the robots to kill people right?” 

“…” No response. Not cool.

“I’m serious. My robots aren’t even AIs!” 

“…” 

“You guys suck.” 

“Hun, we’re not saying that you programmed your robots to take over a planet.” 

“Yeah, you’re not saying anything at all. I think that makes it worse, sis.” 

“Linds, do you have any clue as to why they are doing this?” Volt inquires. 

“This as in trying to take over the world and destroy everything? No. Well actually, I have a few theories…but I doubt you’ll like them. And I could be way off.” 

“You should tell us anyways.” 

“I agree with Mr. Crane, Captain Lindsey. Any clue to why your creations rebelled against their original programming may help us determine why they are so flawed.” 

“Fla…Sky, you bastard!” 

“Sir?” 

“You’re gloating aren’t you?! Because YOU are not damaged or rebelling against your programming. And now you’re gloating because what I programmed and built with own hands with pride and joy and sweat and tears and blood is malfunctioning!” 

“Creator Blake is a very skilled engineer.” 

“… I hate you, Sky.” 

“Hun, tell us your theories,” Blake says, struggling hard not to smile. 

“Fine. Look, I made the robots, the Drillers, to help drill through the ice on Europa and conduct analysis on the ice and the ocean underneath the ice layer. They are powered by a self-recharging battery and are able to operate independently or together in order to be efficient. They can create copies of themselves using raw materials that are in their immediate vicinity. Granted, there shouldn’t have been any raw materials on Europa considering that it’s all ice but still better than any other robots. They can use each other for spare parts if one of them is beyond repair. Cannibalizing each other I guess. I installed some nanotechnology machines in them to help repair parts that break down but like the nanites in our system, they can only do so many repairs and can’t do a complete repair of a unit. 

I don’t know how they could have been around this planet long enough to cause so much damage. Hell, we only just crashed TODAY. Yet, it seems like they have been here for at least, how old is Justine again? 100? 200 years? So at least 200 years. I’ll be sure to find out how long these Contagions have been around. Even so, it doesn’t make sense and should be impossible.” 

I pause and look at everyone. They aren’t talking. Probably in shock. Sigh, this really sucks. 

“I REALLY hope they are not my robots. Yet, the evidence is there in that book in your hands and Sky’s scans. They have nanotechnology. The look EXACTLY like my robots. Granted, some of those…cyborgs kind of deviated from my designs, okay, a lot of them deviated…fine almost all of them practically deviated, but they still bear a lot resemblance to my robots. And my design was the first Contagion to be featured. 

As to why they are killing the inhabitants here, honestly, I don’t know. They probably see them as raw materials and are trying to find a way to Europa. Maybe they were discovered by someone, made to be servants, somehow gain sentience and are trying to revolt. I really don’t know. I didn’t program them to do any of this. I would NEVER program any of this.” 

Silence. Nobody spoke. I don’t blame the two of them. I don’t blame Sky for not saying anything either. It is probably doing calculations and running simulations to help try to find a solution. Heh. I hope that is what it is doing. Anything would help really. 

“Linds,” Volt finally speaks up, “do you know what Justine meant when she said you could have been ‘infected’ by the Contagions?” 

“Not a fucking clue. I wonder if SHE is infected though. Sky, does Justine have ANY of my robot’s design or parts in her? You did say she was an energy source earlier.” 

“Processing. No. According to my earlier scans, while there is a similar energy signature coming from Justine von Gustogh, it is not the same as your inferior robots’ energy signatures. I believe it is the ability of all organics on this planet to be able to control the elements that I am detecting. If you like, I can scan other organics discreetly to confirm my hypothesis.” 

“Do it, Alpha. We need to be sure,” Blake nods at Sky. 

“Affirmative, Creator.” 

Volt gets up and approaches me. He stops right in front of me and pulls me into a bear hug. Blake gets up too and hugs me as well. We stand there, silently for a few seconds before Blake speaks up. 

“Hun, this isn’t your fault. Don’t even think for a second that this was your fault.” 

“Thanks, sis.” 

“Linds,” Volt whispers, “what do you want to do?” 

What do I want to do? Even if Blake and Volt don’t believe that I caused this, would the natives of this planet? Did I bring doom to them? If I did, shouldn’t I do something about it? I really don’t want to though. Tired of fighting. I just want to go home. Why the fuck are my robots acting this way? What the fuck happened? I should also apologize to Sky. I kept saying that it would be the one who will kill us all and take over the world…but guess my robots beat it to that task. I pull away from my siblings’ embraces and walk away. As I leave their room, I pause and say to them. 

“Obviously, I want to go to sleep. I’m fucking exhausted.” 

I leave but I go to take a walk outside to calm my racing mind. I look up at the night sky and I can see millions of stars. I try to see if I can spot the Milky Way but let’s be honest, I don’t know shit about how to spot any galaxies or anything. Navigation in space was going to be controlled by Sky so I never bothered to properly learn…not that the brass back home knew about that. And not that it matters now. Heh. Well, that certainly calmed me down now. I should go get some sleep. 

I walk back to my room and plop down on the bed. I really hope there will be no more interruptions. That includes some really hot alien coming in to have sex. I REALLY want to sleep. Yes, I’m turning down sex for sleep. Believe me. I’m really fucking tired. I close my eyes and the day plays through my mind in waves. 

I woke up naked and upside down in some tree of an alien planet and not Europa. I was attacked by a really hot but quite annoying alien who then decided to strip me and hang me upside down for some reason. I saw that same alien naked. Aliens can control the elements. We go to alien’s home. Alien’s family eats my cookies. Alien give me cookies. I have a breakdown in front of alien. I find out that I may have been responsible for these…Contagions. And now, I’m trying to sleep just as the suns start to rise. Sigh. I’m going to be exhausted. Whatever. Any amount of sleep is better than no sleep. I find myself start to drift away, finally, to dreamland when… 

KNOCK. KNOCK. 

“Little Princess Lindsey!” Justine calls from outside the room. “Get up! The blimp will be here in half an hour! We need to get to the landing site. Now! Hurry up!” 

Okay. It’s official. I fucking hate this planet.