I wake up suddenly, surprised that I can wake at all. I'm more surprised by the lack of pain. Losing conciousness while in agony leaves me expecting more of the same, I guess. I feel warm, comfortable, even safe for the first time in...a good while to be honest.

The last time I felt like this was when I was with my daughter. It's the strangest thing for a little girl to make a grown man feel safe but... Seeing her smile and knowing she was safe, happily living her life without a care in the world. Seeing her often gross, sticky face full of the sweetness and innocence childhood brings made me feel safe and content.

More so, when I could see in my wife's loving eyes that she would sacrifice anything, the world itself and even me if necessary, to protect our child. Knowing I would do the same. I loved her even more because of it, and I think she felt the same about me.

Something broke inside when I lost them. I can't bear that kind of pain again.

Now I'm terrified because I'm awake. I can't bring myself to open up my awareness to see the world around me because I'm afraid that if I do, this warmth will dissapear and I'll be swallowed by the pain.

Pain from the evil dark deep inside me. The pain I ignored in my life, that I forgot about because I was too happy just being with my family. I didn't deserve to be happy because I didn't deserve them. That's why they died, why they were taken from me. Because I'm evil. Because I'm a monster. It would be better for everyone if I never existed.

So I'm going to wait here, enjoying the warmth and the feeling of safety, for as long as I can.

Because eventually it'll be taken away too. But maybe I'll be lucky and when this feeling dissapears, I'll dissapear as well. Maybe I'll get to die this time instead of enduring it all again. Maybe I'll cease to exist.

But no...I'll never be that lucky.

Everything inside of me screams as I feel someone touch me. I don't move though, and I don't make a sound.

Because if I do, the warmth will go away.

I start to see a light and I try to ignore it, shut it out of my awareness, but it doesn't work.

The lights spherical like me, but unlike me it's only one color. It's surface is a vast swirl of lightning blue. I can sense it deeper too though...it's concerned, worried, and it feels familiar to me. But I don't want to think, don't want to exist, so I keep trying to ignore it.

Foolish child, if you were so unworthy of love we would not have given so much to help you grow.

Take what time you need to heal, but do not blind yourself in fear any longer. Look within your past and understand that though you have known great pain and sorrow, you have found contentment, joy, and peace in equal measure.

Take what time you need now, little one. I'll protect you.

The message is more than the voice's words, it gently conveys intense warmth and affection. The feeling of a mother embracing and injured child.

Feeling secure, safe, and truly loved for the first time since my...death, I can't help but break.

Crying is...different without a body. During my earthly life I sobbed, wept, and cried with all the snot, drool, and gasping breaths that true grief brings, but that doesn't happen without flesh and blood. Instead, I feel all the pain, grief, and sorrow within pour from my soul directly in a wave of despair and gut-wrenching loss.

I feel the comforting presence hold me even more closely as they sense the raw force of my emotions.

It takes a long time before I finally calm down and fall into an exhausted slumber, my burden fully expressed.

Even though it wasn't the first time I'd slept since I woke in the dark after my death, it was the first time I dreamed...

I barely feel it when another stone cuts into my foot. The only thought in my mind as flee through the snow and ancient trees is the image of a young couple, my parents, being taken by the monsters as our town burned. My father being beaten while my mother, weeping, screams for me to run even as she's struggling against another beast prying open her legs.

They attacked so swiftly, so unexpectedly.

We had just finished our evening meal. Mother, father and I were relaxing before the hearth. Father was telling me a story as mother poured wine for the two of them. I begged for some too and they laughed when I made a face because of the taste.

Our happy evening died when our neighbor screamed and one of the monsters broke through the door. Our town's alarm bells only rang one time as I fled into the Blackwood.

My nightgown offers no protection against the bitter wind and the chill air steals more warmth with every gasping, frigid breath of air that enters my small body. I tuck my now filthy long hair into my collar, hoping it'll help.

I hear the strange howling of the beast's tamed wolves behind me. Panic burns in my veins and I run ever so slightly faster. Hoping they're hunting something else. Anything else.

It's no use.

Fresh tears freeze on my face I hear them behind me, laughing as they give chase. One of them fires an arrow, it misses me and the shooter gets yelled at by one of the others in their gutteral language.

"We want 'er alive ye idjit! Do ye'know how much the boss'll pay us fer tha elf girl? Ye touch 'nother arrow an' I'll feed ye to the 'ounds! D'ye 'ear me Skas?!?"

It takes only moments for their longer legs to close the distance. Something in my ankle snaps as one of them slams into me, dragging me to the ground.

I try to struggle but he uses his weight to pin me into the snow. His stench is overpowering with the scent of unwashed sweat, leather, dog, and fresh blood turning my stomach until I vomit. I hear a different beast yell this time.

"Damnit Skas! She better be alive under your fat ass! Get up!"

He grabs my arms as he lifts himself off me, grimacing at the sticky mess of bile and my mother's stew sticking to his leathers. His eyes find mine as I struggle to cough up the remnants of dinner stuck in my throat.

"Don't worry, girl, you'll be paying for that. Oy, Eaton, I caught her so I get the first go!"

"Me arse ye do! Damn near kil't 'er ye bloated git! I go firs,' ye go af'er, then Chett. Don' argya' ye useless cur! Af'er that we give 'er to the boss, 'e's goin' ta Fulton ta sell 'em all an' we all gets paid."

The one holding my arms silently snarls before throwing me back to the ground.

"Fine! But I get an extra turn when we get back to camp."

A thinner, dirtier monster fiddles with his belt as he closes the remaining distance. His blackened, rotting, gap-toothed smile make his dead eyes seem even crueler. His pale, wrinkled flesh reminds me of a maggot.

"Ye'll 'ave ta talk wi' the boss Skas, but I'll pull 'im off and 'ave a word wi' 'im, all quiet like."

No matter how much I struggle, I can't break the big ones grip on my wrists. The thin one grabs my broken ankle and squeezes when I try to kick him, and I barely manage to choke out a scream before coughing up more bile.

He cuts my nightgown from me as I struggle, enjoying my helplessness.

I hear a soft crack and the thin monster's eyes widen as he looks up and an arrow sprouts just above his nose.

Within seconds the three beasts lay dead and steaming as several of the People emerge from the forest shadows. They wear their long hair in braids bound with feathers and clasps of songwood. They wear the green and brown body paint and loincloths of the Blackwood Druids.

I can't help but flinch as one of the men touches my shoulder. One of the women shoves him away and offers me a blanket out of a large pack. She gently wraps me in it's warmth and puts a splint and salve on my ankle before slowly stroking my dirty hair.

The next thing I know, she's holding me in her arms and carrying me while I cry. We're moving back towards my home. Along the way the druids ask questions about the town's layout, the attack, and everything else. I answer as best I can but I don't know anything and have trouble talking.

Every time I try to speak I see the panic in my mothers eyes or a tooth flying from my father's mouth as one of the beasts kicks him, but the worst is the smell. The smell of the beast that pinned me to the ground and the fetid breath of the thin one overpowers me and I can't breathe.

The woman holds me a little closer when that happens and hums a lullaby to me.

When we reach the edge of the forest the druids stop. We take shelter beneath a rocky overhang hidden by several trees. Of the dozen or so Druids, four leave with two moving together in opposite directions as the rest of us wait. I hear some of the angrier ones mumbling under their breath.

"She's a child...bastards should be glad it was quick..."

"Damn slavers...it was an entire town this time..."

"Treaty barely lasted a generation...long past time we wiped them out..."

"Fucking Humans and their Empire...the horror never ends..."

When the four scouts return, all but the woman holding me leave. Seeing my relief, she smiles at me.

"Don't worry, I won't leave you here alone. Can you tell me your name?"

"L-Lumin-naria Aryn'Il-lein..."

"I see...would it be alright if I called you 'Lilly Aryn'Illein'? Your first name is...long...and friends give each other nicknames, does that sound good?"

She looks surprised at my name at first, but quickly smiles and holds me closer beneath the blanket. Even though her skin is prickly and hardened from the dried paints, she's really warm. She also keeps the bad smells and memories away. I think it's because she smells like mother but with trees and wild things. I'm glad she got under the blanket too when I coudln't stop shivering.

With my head resting against her warm breast and the comforting sound of her heartbeat and familiar scent I fall into a peaceful sleep.

I wake from the dream feeling nothing save a peculiar sense off loss. Feeling rested and...stable again I decide to try and find the memories that caused my dream.

The inside of my soul is once again a goopy blob of sluggishness, as I expected.

My center however is very different from anything else I've seen within me before.

The ravenous darkness is gone, vanished, and in it's place is a nearly translucent speck of light. So dim and drained it's light is almost impossible to see.

My emotions run the gambit from shock all the way to joy in moments. While I don't know exactly what happened, I do know that just before I lost conciousness from being torn apart, Magic told me with absolute conviction that...that I am not a monster.

That bad things happen and it's not my fault.

That I don't have to be afraid of myself.

Relief floods through every part of my being as I set to work re-organizing myself.

Eventually, I recognize one of the billions of lights that represent my lifetimes.

It's glowing with a vibrant green, earthy light and feels so familiar that it has to be the lifetime I saw in my dream. I place it near my most recent life, the human one on Earth.

I feel that I'm not quite ready to relive that entire lifetime, not yet.

When I finish repairing myself the result is quite different from before.

Rather than a galaxy surrounding a black hole, now I look like and explosion of stars and light frozen in time. The light in my center seems to heal and grow brighter when given mana, so I decide to use my clusters and constellations of memories to funnel my soul-sauce into my center.

The design works perfectly and the tiny light shines twice as bright.

As I finish rearranging myself, I feel the comforting presence give me a farewell and a promise to see me again soon.

When I finnally allowed myself to reconnect to reality I found myself in Magic's garden, the one visible from her study, at what seemed to be the middle of the night.

Specifically, I was resting in the center of a large stone-lined pool at the base of a large willow-like tree. The water was rather shallow and glowed slightly with a blue-white light. The tree's blue leaves were also shining with the same light and reflecting off bark of solid white. Many of the other plants in the garden shone with their own light as well.

The most beautiful thing though, was the sky. Beyond the roof of Magic's library directly ahead was the most beautiful and massive full moon I could remember seeing. It's light matched the glow of the water perfectly, as if they mirrored each other. It wasn't the only moon in the sky though, three smaller ones were also present.

One was slowly rising from my left and shone with a gentile violet light. The second, a yellow-orange, was drifting across the sky directly overhead along the same path. The third, the smallest and shining a bright red, moved quickly across the horizon from behind me without passing directly above and seemed to make a full cycle within minutes. It seemed the gigantic blue moon was causing the small red one to slingshot around with great speed. Beyond the moons lay an ocean of stars with constellations and nebulas of every color shining so clearly that even the most black-hearted being would gape in awe.

Seeing the infinite, ever growing expanse of the heavens reminded me of what I first felt within myself while lost in the dark. Reminded me that even the deepest of wounds need not last forever, and that there will always be a new life waiting it's own turn. Though it brings me peace and hope, I still have complicated feelings about my other lives.

How different were they? How different was I? Just the small glimpse into my life as "Lilly" was enough to make me realize that I have no way of knowing the kinds of lives I've had until I actually experience them. The only reason I didn't have a breakdown from her pain and loss was because someone was there for me.

I can't be certain until I ask, but the personality felt like Andy though the power was not as...intense as it should have been...

There's not much I'll accomplish if I just keep sitting here naval gazing...

Tearing my attention from the glory above, I floated through the garden until I found the door leading inside. Which I stared at. Because I don't have hands. I was about to leave and try to find another way in when the door flew open and hit me hard enough to send me flying into a fern. A man that looked suspiciously like Robert Downey Jr stepped out and looked confused until he saw me lodged in the foliage.

I proceeded to cuss him out in three languages, but Technology just laughed and waved me towards the entrance.

"I was just coming to check on you. Wow, look at you...that's quite a change. Like a snapshot of the 'Big Bang'... Alright, lets get inside, my sister's been worried sick even though she's the one who told us you'd be fine...after nearly destroying herself to save you." His ever-present smile dissapeared as he was speaking and his appearance shifted to a younger man, thin with wild auburn hair and brown eyes, "Which is unacceptable."

At his final word I feld his presence, his influence grow and cover the area. It was as if I were submerged in an ocean composed of the very energy of thought itself. The knowledge of the universe, from intentionally sharpened flint and stone to all the secrets of space-time, physics, chemistry, engineering, and more, to beyond the understanding of humanity. Alien thoughts and ideas, some familiar some not, flowed just as strongly until the "human" knowledge was merely a single raindrop in the storm. The pressure increased to the point of agony, until it changed.

I felt Technology focus his attention on me and realized that the unbearable pressure was simply him...relaxing and allowing his presence to be felt. His focus was worse. He was furious and the moment he truly turned his gaze to me I felt as if every weapon ever devised or dreamed by Gods or mortals was pointed squarly at my existance.

His next words were pure thought projected in every language and none,

"YOUR EXISTANCE WILL NOT ENDANGER HERS AGAIN."

Then the pressure was gone, evaporated as if it never was to begin with. His form was restored to his "Tony Stark" persona and he once again waved me towards the door. He didn't smile this time though.

He spoke again as I passed by, in English this time, "Do we have an understanding?"

Though he heard it, my answer was barely a whisper, "Yes..."

"Good."

Well...I fucked up. Again.

First, I nearly get my sister killed by letting her use that cobbled-together piece of shit. Now I'm taking it out on the person who's supposed to help us keep that uppity skeletal asshole from trying to summon her to dinner as the entree. It wasn't even the damn soul's fault this happened to begin with.

Hell, if it's anyone's fault it's mine.

It was my shitty idea, my shitty prototype, and my shitty decision to let her use it.

"I" am the one who said "Hey, lets make THIS soul your champion, they've got some awesome magical potential! What could possibly go wrong? It's not like the magic in this universe has been thoroughly corrupted or destroyed, right? Nah, the 9th Roman Legion corrupting the Wellsprings to kill a few Gods and end Ragnarok was no biggie. Just another Tuesday!"

Fuck.

I made the damn thing! I should have actually completed the reasearch into the damn "psi-magic converter" or if nothing else, just not built a FUCKING PROTOTYPE out of a godsdamn molecular food processor while blitzed on experimental amphetamines!

Now the "Goddess of Magic" herself can't actually use...Magic, and we're stuck shunting all the mana she normally gains from her followers to whoever needs help the most. At least the ground war is going better. Not that it'll matter if she can't maintain her influence.

Won-der-fucking-full.

Damn, I really shouldn't have been so harsh...I even let some of my influence be felt...

...Fuck it, I'm not apologizing.

Magic doesn't look well.

We're sitting on a balcony having tea at the other end of her tower. Technology left after guiding me here so it's just the two of us. She looks pale, tired, and her appearance is just a little...off. Like the colors around her are ever so slightly duller and washed out. She's still beautiful though, and she looks ever so slightly better after she laughs at something I said. Our conversation drops off into an awkard silence when she explains her new...condition.

Gods, at their core, are technically just extremely powerful souls that are able to exert influence over how a universe functions. All souls can absorb and exert influence over mana, what separates normal souls from the "Gods" is how much mana they can effect to spread their influence. A "Concept" allows a God to exponentially increase their influence and ability to absorb mana infinitely, but isn't technically a requirement for godhood. A "God" without a "Concept" is still a "God" even though their potential for future growth is crippled, a "God" without power though...

Gods need to be able to absorb an insane ammount of mana and then use it to spread and maintain their influence...but Magic can't absorb mana right now...or possibly ever again...and is still using her power to maintain her influence over multiple universes.

At the current rate, she's going to waste away over the next couple thousand years. Not much time for a God. She has a successor in mind, the Avatar that I'll meet after being summoned to "Aelbid".

"What's going to happen afterwards? If we win? You said that if nothing changes you'll die a true, final soul-death when you run out of mana...I don't want that to happen. You...I...we're family...you... you treat me like your own child or younger sibling. You saved me... you gave me time and comfort to heal, and not just physically... I can't lose my family again. I won't just sit back and watch you die by the godly equivalent of starvation. Is there anything that will help?"

She smiled, reaching over and laying a hand on my surface as if I was a child and she were rubbing my head, "I'll be fine. Technology will figure something out, make some miracle gadged that will repair the damage. If he can't then...well I'd like to be reborn, honestly. Start over and reincarnate, not as a Demigod, but a mortal.

Gods don't have that option though, so I'll likely just retire. Keep what mana I have and live my eternity here in my domain. I won't be the first to do so, or the last.

So don't worry about me, and follow the plan. I'm not the only one at risk, I lead three pantheons and if we lose this war... He's harmed too many already, I won't let him get away with it. Here's what we're going to do."

The original plan was for me to reincarnate with magic using her influence and that of her pantheon to "guide" me to be born to a specially chosen family...about twenty years ago "Aelbid-time". Which is apparently how long it took me to heal and wake up. Instead they had Michelle reincarnate as a demi-god to stabilize the war-effort.

She volunteered when things took a turn for the worst after a very large, powerful Empire decided to make Lichy-face their new patron diety. Seems the Emperor wanted a return to the "good old days" when they had blood sports, slaves, and demonic servants. Granted, they also have a history of civil-war, slave rebellions, and self-sacrifice so it's not like the people there are all assholes. Probably.

The new plan is for me to learn how to incarnate, take mortal form as a semi-divine creature, and then hijack a summoning ritual being put together by "Mr. Angry Bone's" followers.

It's a fairly insane plan for three reasons.

First, I have to learn something. Now, I might not bee the sharpest tool in the shed, but I'm sure I CAN learn this. I just don't think I'll be able to right now because of...well...EVERYTHING going wrong since I died. Seriously, isn't death supposed to lead to somthing...better? Like, non-biweekly-near-death-experience better?

Second, I haven't seen my complete status, ever, but I'm fairly certain I have a -5 in my "magical knowledge" stat. Assuming there is a "magical knowledge" stat. There was no magic on Earth. None. I know less about how to do magic than I do about Lemur mating habits. Of which, I know that they mate in a process likely involving genitals and that's about it.

Third, if the ritual is being prepared by followers of an Undead Lich God of Horribleness won't I get dropped in the middle of them? I'm not sure, but just plopping down in a room full of murderous psychopaths after hijacking a ritual dedicated to serving their murderous psychopathic god seems like it might be a little dangerous.

Magic laughed again, hard enough to snort, when I told her my objections.

"No, no you silly thing. This will be easy for you to learn. The summoning itself will be a little dangerous, though, but not nearly so terrible as you suspect. The ritual will leave the dark mages weak and vulnerable as they have to use their own strength to guide whatever power they funnel into the summoning. The danger is that even though you're "hijacking" the ritual as you put it, the being the cultists were seeking may still come through. If so, it'll be greatly weakened but still very dangerous.

Additionally, my Avatar is leading an army to the location where the ritual is going to take place but won't make it in time to prevent the summoning. If you can prevent the ritual from succeeding or weaken the Demon they seek to bind by siphoning mana from the ritual, she will be more than capable of handling the rest. We have two months for you to learn a little magic and Incarnate yourself, plenty of time for this particular teacher." She smiled the whole time she spoke and winked at me with the last statement.

I trust her words, but...I can't help but feel like I'm missing something.

It takes almost the entire two months for me to learn how to Incarnate.

It's not so much that I had trouble making a body...more that the body tended to be...dead. Specifically, I was incarnating as myself right after...Huh. It doesn't hurt to think about it anymore, I guess that's a good thing.

I kept reincarnating as my previous mortal body right at the moment of death. Tear-streaked face, grass-stained suit, gun, and bloody skull fragments included. See, I died about the same time the bullet reached my brain, but a fraction of a second before the micro-explosive round exploded. Suffice to say, I couldn't incarnate for long and made a rather horrific mess.

Magic's reaction was...sweet. She was surpised at first, but then just hugged me and asked if I was ok. Technology looked ill, and didn't show up to the lesson for a few days. I think he hadn't really thought about how I died until right then.

Ironically, it wasn't until I got bored and started daydreaming that I made progress.

Eventually, my head-explosions stopped being exciting and I started thinking about "Lilly," and who she is in relation to me.

She's an...alter-ego? No, I am myself, she's someone else...but also me. Confusing. I think I'll just call her my borgle-snoot. No, that sounds stupid and pisses me off, both Me-me and Lilly-me. Well, the part of me that is her. No...not part of This-me, but Me-me. Soul-me. Am I going insane here?

Actually, why am I...me? As a soul, aren't I just a collection of all these other mortal lives? What about my life? The one I remember? Well, mostly remember. Since I died as one person, doesn't that mean I should start over? As a new collection of memories, or maybe all of them?

That...feels right. A new beginning. A new self, encompassing everything I was both known and unkown. Why didn't I do this before? Well...yea, couldn't really figure it out until now since I just had the one perspective. I'm just as much Lilly as I am...well whoever I was. It's not like I even remember my name... A Name.

I need a new name. Two of them actually. I need to Name who I was, and Name who I will be. Yes, I have to do this right now. It's not like I'm making any progress with Incarnating anyway.

I stopped trying to take mortal form and instead focused on my inner soul and all my different selves held within, quickly locating my most recent one. Looking at it, I could see something I never noticed before. My last life, the one leading to my current situation, looked...frazzled. As if small fibers were growing from it like roots towards other memories, not quite reaching them. Not yet.

This feels dangerous...cancerous. I'm not...I'm not just that one life...I can't be. I won't be. Not if I want to help Andy. Who knows what'll happen if I let this one part of me consume all the others. I need...balance. An ending...and a beginning. A Rebirth.

The little goof is daydreaming again. Ah, well...he should probably take a break anyway. It can't be good for him to relive such a terrible thing with such frequency, no matter what he says about it. I wish I hadn't come up with this plan...

How couldn't I see this coming? He was so broken, and in so much pain. It should have been obvious how he died, and the kind of scars it could leave on his mind. He was never able to process the truama of his death, and the events leading to it, meaning the strongest memories of his life happened a fraction of a second before he died. But no, I didn't realize it because his soul is beautiful.

I don't understand it. Normally, a soul that experiences such traumatic pain and sorrow is left almost completely unable to hold form. They collapse on themselves and require centuries of care before they're even able to reincarnate. Those that aren't collected and cared for...they die.

Not completely, but they allow their mana and memories to dissapate until the life experiences responsible for their suffering are destroyed. Unfortunately, many souls lose more than just the horrific experiences. They'll also lose memories of joy, love, and more.

The loss of mana also prevents them from becoming powerful enough to gain godhood. Worse, Demons, evil Fae, and cruel gods will often target such souls to devour or enslave for power.

But this one...he's more beautiful than half the gods I know!

His soul shone with all the glory of a crystallized galaxy, even while he was afflicted with the Sundering itself. Now he looks like the birth of a new universe, frozen in time. Additionally, the crystallized mana containing his form is not only stable but strong.

As a partially-Ascendant soul, his Concept and the Greater Truth it touches is significant enough to create a wellspring long before he actually gains godhood. Last, but certainly not least, he's lived more lives than any hundred, possibly thousand, other souls I've met combined.

What is he? What will he become? I want to see it, to be a part of it. I want to watch him grow into his own...and become something wonderful. I want him to find his place in the universe and be able to be happy. I want that for him more than anything else.

Oh.

He was right...we are family...but...

I've never been a mother before...

This feeling is...terrifying...but...also wonderful.

Now I definitely hate this godsdamn plan.

Wait, what is this divine presence? It's not Technology's, this is much more spiritual. It's...full of sorrow and joy, sunlight and stars. Who...Oh.

Well...if this is his soul incarnate, I don't think we'll have any issues with the plan. Now to get him do it again, as a humaniod species this time.

I named my last self "Henry Holiday." I like the name. It fits somehow, and I feel...free now that I've separated from that one lifetime a little. I feel more distant from who I was as Henry and closer to Lilly and my other, unknown lifetimes. I ended up just taking all the tendrils that Henry was growing and wrapping them around the memory. It worked pretty well. That lifetime looks like the others now, a solid mote of light with its own unique color.

So, now I just need a name for myself, my whole self.

Hmm...Hernando? No.

Phillipe? Hell no.

William? Still no.

Anthony? Nope.

Yusuke? Nah.

Frodo? Ugh...Fuck it. I'm not worrying about this now. I think...I should try to Incarnate now...I feel more solid, more whole, and less like a ghost.

It's easier than every other time. But...why is the room so much smaller? Wait. My nose itches. Where are my hands? Eh, I'll just scratch it on the corner of this wall.

Ugh, now my EVERYTHING itches.

Oh. Dear. Gods.

This is aweful!

Why am I so itchy!?

Is it this form?

I'm not staying like this!

Magic was responsible for the itching. She was still giggling when I let my form dissapate.

Well...looks like the next step is learning how to hijack a summoning. I've got two weeks to figure it out.