Mature Content Warning: Foul language, and immature adult concepts.

Author's Notes: Here's another lovely installment for you wonderful perverts. It's not the funniest thing in the history of humor, but hey. It's a necessary chapter. :)

Chapter 8: A Mounting Dilemma

The loud and insistent sound of a flushing toilet echoed through the tiny home. After a brief moment of reflection, and defecation, Scott had decided that he needed to take a day away from the game. His body felt like it had been beaten with a sack of oranges, and as such he knew that he needed some fresh air.

He had declared that he shall manwhore six days and rest upon the seventh, to keep his perversity holy. That was why he managed to catch the latest news about Hardcore Online by watching a video blog by two supposedly knowledgeable assholes.

A fat man wearing jeans, a flannel shirt, and a cowboy hat spoke up. “Yes, folks! It seems that Hardcore Soft, the company that brought you the game Hardcore Online has reached a settlement for the class action suit that was brought against them.”

“Class action suit?” Scott had heard nothing about a class action suit!

“Absolutely, James! You would have to be a complete idiot not to have heard about the major legal fiasco that the company has been dealing with for nearly a week now.”

Scott stared sourly at the two tech-blog pseudo-celebrities. Assholes.

A guy in a sweater vest continued from there. “Privacy violations due to re-selling vid-content without the permission of the individuals involved. As it turns out, the settlement forces the owners of the game to put management of the content and game development into the hands of a third party watch group.”

That was terrible! What sort of tool wears a sweater vest nowadays? Tacky much? Scott was also a little concerned about what this would mean for the game.

“Many players are concerned for the future of Hardcore Online.”

“No shit.” said Scott. Where these people reading his mind? He was out of tinfoil, dammit.

“Hardcore Soft had gone on record as saying, the game will go on. That’s all we have for you at this time.”

Scott shook his head. This sucked. Who knows what that third party group would do? The game was hard to advance in due to the realistic nature of how time flowed. You could spend months just traveling across the continent unless you had a mount or a wagon.

Mounts were an incredibly necessary aspect of the game. Scott needed to acquire one before he set out on his adventures, otherwise he would spend days walking between towns. A rapidly moving mount can travel many times faster than even a fast human can sprint.

The problem, as he saw it, was that he did not know what type of mount he wanted. The biggest issue was that he would need to ride around partially naked if he wanted to use his live weapon. That meant that many mounts would be quite uncomfortable.

He decided to check on mounts that were possible in and around Albione, but after checking for a while he found nothing too interesting. “I don’t want a giant bird... they might try to peck my dick.”

Scott could see the epic battle between giant bird and giant dick. “I am not a worm you bastard!” he would cry, even as the bird attempted to acquire dinner.

What was his other option, though? Horses were absurdly expensive for some ungodly reason. A giant chicken-turkey that could cause gale force winds almost fly was cheaper than a horse. The horse had no powers at all!

“I can travel across the Summer Isles easily enough without a mount, but if I choose to go to the mainland there will be issues.” He could only play for around fifteen to sixteen hours per day at most, and that was more often around ten or twelve hours. He had to work, sleep, eat, and occasionally he did enjoy a nice relaxing shit.

Scott considered his options and then a thought occurred to him. As disgusting as it was, he did have a skill that could subdue women and potentially enrage men. Maybe it would work to subdue a mountable monster?

He quickly checked the monster races found on the island. There were a lot of large lizards and birds, but they would want to eat his penis. He just knew it. What he needed was an herbivore.

After looking through the available information he blinked. “Oho... what’s this?”

Scott looked at the ‘monster’ on the screen and a slow, predatory, grin arose upon his face. “Well, hello there...”

Immediately, he began to make plans. He had discovered a mount that he would love to work with, but he would not be able to acquire it quickly. His stats were probably high enough after his training, but he would need to improve his level a bit to increase his health and mana.

This fierce beast would not allow itself to fall to him through half-assed measurements. He vocalized his thought. “Oh, no.... for you... I must use my entire ass...”

The man laughed like a moron for a moment then rubbed his chin. He had plans to make and shits to take. His stomach gurgled in annoyance. “Dammit, I’ll have to bleach the inside of that cradle. I think it’s making me sick.”

Who would think that someone lying in a tightly enclosed space for ten to fifteen hours a day, and weeks on end, would stink up the place? He walked over and sniffed his VR cradle briefly then started to gag. “Oh damn... It smells like asshole and gingerbread...”

Why gingerbread? He might never know. It was not like he ate inside the thing.