Training camp turned out to be an uphill battle, our team losing every single match each day. The sun was blazing, every drill a superhuman effort, especially after seemingly thousands of times. As unbearable as the days were, the nights were long and wonderful. The team spent hours together, our chaotic little family feeling closer than ever before. Hushed voices and loud rants in the dark felt like home.

The last night of camp was bittersweet. (Y/n) was waiting for me at her apartment, her voice a distant echo that I longed to hear again. On the other hand these nights were some of the last I'd be spending with my team before I left for university. I pushed the thoughts deep in the back of my head- I didn't love the idea of it anymore, especially the leaving (y/n) part.

We all laid sprawled across infinite sleeping bags, conversations overlapping one another. Daichi and I laid on our stomachs next to each other, both of us quietly on our phones. I was texting (y/n) since she was home now; we couldn't wait to see each other since almost three weeks had passed. It was late and she was saying goodnight, promises of kisses and cuddles tomorrow. I put my phone down and turned to Daichi, his eyes flicking to my own immediately.

"Hey," he said, smiling. I suddenly became aware of our shoulders flush with each other, his face only a few inches from mine. I noticed his smile, and the way his lips stretched out at a different angle than (y/n)'s, and how I was somehow fascinated with both.

"Hey," I answered, my mind regaining focus. His skin had turned a deep bronze in the past week and I had to force myself to meet his eyes. His gaze was like honey, his eyes deep and golden. Confusion overwhelmed me as I noticed all of these things, details I was blind to before. And I knew he knew, because of the way he stared back, his expression mirroring mine.

"Can we talk?" He spoke, his voice so low only I could hear it. I barely noticed Asahi stepping over our bodies, his loud footsteps far away in my trance. I simply nodded, following behind him as we walked to an unknown destination.

We ended up outside in the humid night air. The heat stuck to my skin, nearly suffocating. Daichi's eyes bore into me, waiting to speak. I stared back, my heart racing; I knew what was happening. It felt wrong and right and everything in between but all I could hear was the buzz of cicadas and my pulse in my ears.

"Suga," he said, his voice clear. "I know you know what I'm about to say, but I'm going to say it out loud anyways."

He took a deep breath and an image of (y/n) flashed in my head. A twinge of guilt in my chest gives me chills but I can't free myself from his gaze, as if I'm somehow chained to him in the moment.

"I love you, Suga. I know you have (y/n), and I know you're not going to say it back, but you're my best friend and I couldn't keep it from you anymore,"

He's a blushing mess and it's strange to see him in such disarray. I remained speechless, my hands balled into fists at my sides.

"Please," he squeaked, looking desperate after a beat of silence. "Please say something."

My body moved on its own. One step forward, my hands on his broad shoulders that were nothing like (y/n)'s. My lips crashing against his, and the way he pulls me forward by my t-shirt, our chests flush. His body is hardened and strong on mine, his skin warm beneath my fingertips. His hands are firm on my body, slipping beneath my shirt awkwardly. My hand pulls him somehow closer by his collar, guilt suddenly pushing me off of him as if it was a physical force.

"Fuck," I muttered. "No, no, no..." I stepped away, my entire body shaking. Every image I'd saved of (y/n) played like a movie in my head, her smiles and her tears that were only for me overwhelming.

"Fuck!" I screamed, kicking the doorway behind us. Tears welled in my eyes, my body no longer my own. I felt myself slipping away, any kind of control fading into nothingness. She played in my head over and over, and as I tried to convince myself I was in some kind of nightmare I felt Daichi's hand on my shoulder. He was stronger than me, kinder than me, more honest and a better person all around. I slapped his hand away, desperate to blame him when I knew it was my fault.

"Don't," I said, my voice rough, a strange sound in my thumping ears. "Don't touch me." I want to apologize, to go back in time and stop myself from noticing his eyes and his skin and his smile, to tell myself my eyes belong to her and not him. I don't look up at him but I feel the hurt in his gaze as he steps around me to the door, leaving me alone in the cruel summer heat. I fell to my knees, the world spinning as the cool concrete met my skin. I cursed again and again but I didn't wake up; the sensation on my lips and the wrinkle in my shirt where he'd pulled me close were all too real. I stayed there seemingly forever, my head between my knees and my eyes squeezed shut as I desperately clawed my way back to reality.

I finally managed to make my way back to the room where everyone slept, quiet snores the only sound. I laid down, squirming as far away from Daichi as I could without bumping into Asahi. I turned on my side to find him staring at me, his eyes wide.

"Sorry!" He whispered. His expression was guilty, and I knew that something was wrong. He turned away from me, his long hair the only thing I could see before I had the chance to reply. I fell asleep quickly despite the storm raging inside me, everything fading into nothingness.

I woke up from a short, dreamless sleep to Daichi nudging my shoulder, his body lingering over mine. I scooted away, careful not to make eye contact; he acted like nothing was wrong, like we weren't best friend who had kissed. I sat up and saw the rest of the team rising, sleepily shoving their belongings into backpacks, a soft quiet to match the daylight creeping through the window. I began to roll up my sleeping bag and the thought of (y/n)'s big bed popped into my head. It's riddled with guilt and confusion now, though, and I have to push my happiest memories away like nightmares. Once everyone is packed we say goodbye to all of the teams we trained with, boarding the bus for a long ride home. Daichi scoots in next to me and I feel sick, overly aware of his every movement. Our proximity scares me as I wait for him to break the silence between us. I wondered if it was obvious to our teammates, that something was off. I took a cautious glance and saw him looking down at his hands in his lap, his eyes far away. His expression was dark and deep, like when the power goes out before your eyes adjust.

We drive for miles without a word between us, avoiding each other's presence as if we depended on it. Eventually we pull into the school parking lot and I see (y/n)'s little car sitting there among everyone's parents', her legs dangling out the window.

"I'm sorry," Daichi whispers as he stands, leaving me in the seat. I gather my things and walk towards (y/n), her eyes searching for me among my teammates and their parents. I give a half-hearted wave to everyone before I meet her; when she sees me she practically falls out of the car, stumbling into my arms and immediately sobbing like a child.

"I missed you," she whispered into my ear, her voice rough and tired. I wondered where she'd been these past few weeks, who she'd met, who she was now. I held her tight, closing my eyes as I felt her warmth. Her softness, her curves, her details that weren't like Daichi's. The sensation of his hands on my body electrified my every nerve as (y/n) clutched onto me, his deep golden eyes the only thing I could see when she stared up at me.

"I missed you," she repeated, needy. I needed her so desperately, eager to be alone and forget about the night before, the way his lips felt on mine. To forget everything.

"I missed you, too," I finally replied, pulling her in close so I didn't have to look her in the eyes. Once we separated we immediately headed to her apartment, our hands locked the entire ride. She babbled on, asking a million questions about my camp. I tried to answer normally but my every reply sounded suspicious as it came out, words laced with guilt. I tried to let her talk about her trip but she was more interested in me, going in circles every time I asked.

We rushed inside once we arrived, shoes left at the door as she pulled me onto the couch on top of her. Her lips met mine feverishly, her touch somehow different now as I tried to switch my thoughts off. It hurt as her hands ran through my hair, her legs feeling like a vice as she wrapped them around me. My conscience ate me up, screaming to tell her the truth but I slipped my hands under her shirt instead, leaning down to leave bruises on her neck that claimed her as my own. I wanted everything in that moment, to immerse myself in her. I needed some kind of physical proof that we loved each other, something to remind me that she was mine and I was hers. I was grateful as she pulled us into the bedroom, laying me down and straddling herself over me. Her lips, gummy and soft, were nothing like Daichi's as they trailed down my body, leaving a trail as she went. I needed control though, to make up for my lack thereof before; I flipped her over on her back beneath me, my movements aggressive. She stared up at me with wide eyes and I simply kissed her to avoid the unavoidable. Our bodies met again and again, losing myself in her before long.

I held her close afterwards, afraid to lose her if she went out of reach.

"Wow, Koushi," she giggled, the sound sending a twinge of guilt through me. "That was... different. What kinda things were they teaching you at that camp?" I forced myself to laugh into her hair; the smell would usually put me at ease but anxiety rushed through my chest instead.

"I really missed you," I answered. The day went on, small breaks in between making love over and over. It was all I could do not to shatter, my only solace in her touch.

"I love you," she mumbled. We were sat on the couch, her legs bare in just a pair of underwear, one of my t-shirts hiding the rise and fall of her chest. I cradled her in my chest, exhaustion thankfully masking the anxiety bubbling in my heart.

"I love you," I spoke, my voice thick and sleepy. She traced a finger across my jaw, leading me down to place a lazy kiss on her mouth, her eyes half open. We stayed like that, burnt out from too much sex, our bodies basically melted into each other at this point. She adjusted herself to use me as a pillow, closing her eyes. My breath began to slow, consciousness quickly fading.

I woke up seemingly too soon, the world outside the living room window dark and silent save for the crickets. I looked down at (y/n), her breathing quiet and calm. I loved her so much it scared me; I wanted to save every little detail for me and only me. She squirmed beneath me, her eyes just barely opening as she let out an incoherent mumble before reclaiming her place on my chest.

"You're my best friend." I whispered, stroking her hair as her breathing regained it's slow, steady rhythm. I didn't know if she heard me but it didn't matter. It was the first truth I'd told her since I'd come home, and I said it mostly for my own confirmation. My conscience ached for some sort of ease and I wanted to believe being truthful with myself was the first step, even though I knew my only hope was confessing to her now. I didn't though, our breaths falling in sync as I fell back asleep.