Do the thing we fear, and death of fear is certain,’

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Chapter Sixteen

Azelie was in her room when she heard the doorbell ringing. At first, she thought she was just hearing things, her sleep deprived brain now playing tricks on her. But then it rang again, confirming that Azelie hadn’t gone completely insane. She quickly put down the copy of ‘Catcher In The Rye’ that she had been reading, and pushed herself off her bed.

It was almost midday, but she was still in the baggy T-shirt and the pair of shorts she had slept in. Today was going to be a lazy day for Azelie. She had been up all night, thinking of all the questions that had invaded her brain after hearing what Cole had said. After he had told her, she hadn’t been able to get anything else out of him after he told her. He just stayed silent, and Azelie didn’t utter a word, even though her mind was buzzing with questions that would be left unsaid.

She practically ran down the hall way, refusing to think about the cold wooden floor that was in contact with her feet. Azelie sped down the stairs to try to get to the door before who ever was on the other side decided to just give up. Her hand reached out and twisted the door knob, the door swinging open. A blast of cold wind hit Azelie making her shiver slightly, averting her attention from the person who was at the other side of the door and towards her bare legs.

“Is this usually how you greet visitors?” a voice questioned, the smirk evident in the tone. She looked up to find Cole looking down at her, his green eyes shining in the light. “Because if it is, it’s an awfully nice view!”

“Shut up!” she cried, forgetting the events of the night before. “I’m still in my pajama’s alright? I was having a lazy day!”

“Well get dressed, lazy! We’re going out!” He smiled brightly.

“What? Why? Where?” Azelie questioned quickly, a look of confusion forming onto her features.

“Jesus! Seriously, stop with the questions!” He complained, the smile slipping from his lips. “I’ve got a killer hangover and I seriously can’t do questions right now! Just get changed and trust me! Okay?” He asked, his face wincing slightly, after his voice rang in his ears, only intensifying his pain.

“Okay, just come in then,” Azelie replied, deciding to leave the questions until later. She stepped to the side to let Cole in, before closing the door behind him. “There’s painkillers in the kitchen if you need some.. I’ll just go get changed,” She said, directing him to the kitchen before rushing back up the stairs to find some decent clothes.

Azelie was dressed in record time, slipping on a pair of comfy jeans and a loose fitted jumper while putting her hair up in a messy bun. She was walking back down the stairs when she saw Cole standing in the hall, studying the pictures that Azelie avoided looking at. He was looking the one of her mother and father on their wedding day. Azelie wondered if he could see the similarities between her and her parents. Ted had always said that she looked like her mother, but she had never seen the resemblance. Her mother was beautiful, while Azelie (despite her unusual name) felt plain.

“You ready to go?” Azelie questioned, from the stairs, watching Cole as he turned around to smile at her.

“Are these your parents?” He asked, ignoring her previous questioned. He turned around to face her, his green eyes looking directly into her eyes. She just nodded softly, not wanting to answer him. He let out a sigh, now regretting asking such a question. Last time he had done that, she had gotten angry. Cole knew that he had overstepped the mark with his question about why she wasn’t scared of anything, but the whole situation had made him weary about which question was too far and which wasn’t. “Look, I’m sorry about Monday. I should have realised that it was too far,” he apologized, his right hand lifting up from his side to rub the back of his neck awkwardly. “I deserved that crazy screaming fit, and I guess that’s why I’m here,”

Azelie just nodded, her throat dry. She really didn’t know what to say, so she just kept quiet and just let Cole do the talking. “Last night... I don’t know what I said last night, If I can remember correctly, not a lot, and that’s why I’m here... Come on,” he said, smiling slightly, “It will be easier if I show you something,”

“Okay...” Azelie trailed off, still confused as to what she should say. “Just let me get my phone from the kitchen, then you can kidnap me,’ she smiled, breaking the serious atmosphere that had hung in the air. Cole let out a slight laugh, before glancing past Azelie, his gaze falling back onto the picture.

“You look like them you know,” he said offhandedly, looking back at Azelie. A slight smile appeared on her lips, as she shook her head.

“I don’t see it,” she quietly replied, before turning around and walking into the kitchen. She walked over to the unit where she had left her phone, before sliding it into the pocket of her jeans and walking back out to the hall where Cole was standing, still studying the various photographs.

“Ready?” he questioned with a smile.

“I’m all yours,” she replied, “Just bare in mind that my uncle might be unable to pay the ransom,” She added with a smirk. Cole just shook his head in reply, another smile forming onto his lips. He would have said that things were going back to the way they where before they fell out, but they weren’t. It felt different somehow, but Cole couldn’t figure what exactly had changed. It didn’t matter really, as everything was about to be completely transformed.

They made their way out of the house, before climbing into Cole’s truck, the engine instantly bursting into life as he turned the key in the ignition. Azelie remembered how last night, Cole had been so drunk he had forgotten how to drive, which was luck for him and her too. Then her mind flooded once again with questions about the events of last night, and she figured out what was happening. Cole was going to explain everything, everything about his mother. Lists of questions that Azelie wanted answered started to build up in her head, but she didn’t say a word.

Cole drove about ten minutes out of Bellingham, before turning off the main road and up a smaller one. At the end of the road, There was an Iron sign that stood over the road, reading ‘Bay-View Cemetery’ informing Azelie instantly about where they were. She had been here as a child and a few times since she had come to live with Ted. A heavy ball of emotion built up inside of her, making her want to crawl up into a ball and hide. But she had to push her own feelings away, for Cole’s sake.

They drove under the sign and into the car park which was located close to the entrance. Cole quickly parked up the car, cutting the engine before they both climbed out, walking along the winding stony paths as memories threatened to suffocate her, but she managed to keep them down. This wasn’t about her, this was about Cole. She could deal with everything else later. They walked in silence, but it wasn’t an awkward silence where they both have nothing to say each other. In fact, both of their minds were buzzing with words they had yet to say, but they both knew that it wasn’t the time to say them. It was a peaceful silence, despite the chaos going through both of their minds. Cole took a left, Azelie following him down the path until he finally stopped, standing in front of a grave.

Her gaze floated down from Cole and to the writing on the grave, her mind finally falling to peace as all the questions she wanted to ask melted away into nothing.

‘June Grey, loving mother, wife and friend, rest in peace,’

Cole didn’t look away from the grave, he just stood there, frozen in his spot. Azelie looked away from the simple grave, and over to him, gauging his reaction. He knew he had to answer her questions. It had been six years, almost to the day, but it was still painful for him to talk about.

“I was eleven when Lily was born. My dad had always been excited about her birth - he had always wanted a little girl to protect from the big bad world. He loved her as soon as he found out that my mom was pregnant. But my mum, she wasn’t as excited about it,” he began, as he turned his head to face Azelie, his green eyes burning into her. “It wasn’t her fault, she didn’t have a choice to love Lily or not. She suffered from depression - there had been complications when I was born, and she was told that she could never have kids. She accepted it, but my dad always held on to the hope of having his little girl. And so when she found out that she was pregnant again, she rejected it. She had lost all hope in having more kids, so Lily was very unexpected. When she was pregnant with Lily, the depression was bad. She wouldn’t accept that she was pregnant, she would lie to people about it, tell them that she wasn’t. I was too young to understand, I really didn’t know why she went around telling people that she had lost the baby, I thought it was just a game,’ he admitted, pausing for a moment, swirls of emotions and memories filling his mind. They were both now sitting down on the grass, Azelie looking at Cole, Cole looking at the ground and every so often at the grave.

“Dad was always working when she was pregnant so he could get time off work when Lily did arrive, so he didn’t see the depression then. But it was when Lily was born that he noticed it. Mom refused to hold Lily, she wouldn’t touch her. If dad was out, I would be the one to stop Lily crying. I would feed her and change her. Hell, I don’t think I even saw mom go into Lily’s room once. I used to come home from school, and Lily would be in her cot, crying her eyes out because she had been left alone for the entire day. Anyway, dad noticed it, and he tried to help her - he really, really did. He loved my mum with all of his fucking heart and he still does. He tried, but it was already too late,” he added, getting angry towards the end before pausing for a moment, trying to calm down. Azelie sat in silence, absorbing everything Cole was telling her.

“The first time, she left me and Lily in the living room watching TV. She told me not to move, to stay where we were. She went into the kitchen, locked the doors and windows and put the gas on the cooker. Dad got home just in time to smell the gas. There were other times. She would lock herself in the bathroom and try to drown herself in the bath. She would go through boxes of pills at a time. It broke my dad. He had to go to work, they had met and had me when they were young and missed university, and so he couldn’t afford to take extra time off work. He was just starting up the garage and he couldn’t leave it. Instead he would have to take everything out of the house that she could try to harm herself with. He would take the knifes, the medicine boxes, shoe laces - anything that he could think of. I think by the end of it he only had one pair of shoe laces and one tie, and just threw the rest out. He tried to get her to get help, but she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t admit that there was something wrong with her. He would make doctor appointments and she refused to go, or she would go and claim that everything was fine,” He said, letting a sign out as one memory took over.

“This one morning, he woke me up early, just before he went to work. He came into my room, woke up me and told me ‘Cole, watch your mom today. Just keep an eye out for her - don’t let her do anything stupid and if she does, call me okay? Get her mobile and call me, alright?’. He told me to look after her, to watch her, and I didn’t. She decided to go to the shops, she loaded us both into the car and drove to the bridge. Then she just stopped in the middle of the bridge as Lily began to cry. She just sat there, staring out of the widow like Lily didn’t exist. So I climbed out of the front passenger seat to the back to get to Lily. I was concentrating on Lily for no more than 30 seconds, and before I knew it, she was on the other side of the bridge. She looked back for a second, to glance at me. And then she disappeared. She jumped,” he finished. “Lily was only five months old,”

Azelie sat there, trying to think of words to say - what she should say; what she shouldn’t.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I know it doesn’t make a difference, me apologizing for your mom, but I am. I’m sorry you had to watch like that,” Cole just shook his head slowly, before looking up at Azelie.

“I know, I know... I’m not angry. I mean, I was for a long time. Not about what she did to me though, what she did to Lily and dad. I had to be the rock for the family after that, and I was alright about it. I had already been the rock for Lily, and now I was for my dad also. I didn’t understand the depression then, I thought she just didn’t love Lily, that she hated her. But it was eventually explained to me, that she couldn’t help feeling like that,” He said, his voice getting quieter and quieter until it was finally no louder than a whisper, “It wasn’t her fault,”

“And it wasn’t your fault either, you know that right,” Azelie questioned, reading into Cole’s words. He looked away from her and over to the grave, not answering her question, praying that she would drop it but knowing that she wouldn’t; just like he never dropped one of his questions. “Cole, you were eleven! You didn’t understand what was going on in your mom’s head! If it wasn’t for you, Lily would have been left! It wasn’t anybody’s fault, Cole! These’s things, they just happen,” She added, moving so that she was in front of him, so he could look nowhere else apart from her face. Cole stayed silent, his expression hardening slightly. She could feel him closing off from her, backing away back into the darkness.

“He told me to watch her. He knew something was going to happen and he told me to look after her! And I didn’t! Of course it’s my fault! If I hadn’t been so stupid!” He began to shout, jumping up from where they had been sat.

“Been so stupid and looked after your baby sister who was crying? You couldn’t look after two people Cole! You were too busy making sure Lily was alright to deal with your mom! You were too busy doing was she should have been doing to look after her! Cole, it wasn’t your fault! It was anybody’s fault but yours,”Azelie replied, keeping her voice calm, trying not to get angry at Cole. She could understand why he would want to blame himself, but it wasn’t right. It hadn’t been his fault. He just shook his head slowly, sitting back down where he had been. He calmed down slightly, trying to contain the anger that had erupted moments before. He had been told numerous times that it wasn’t his fault, but never had he understood what they were trying to tell him. Perhaps he would realise in time, maybe Azelie would help him see the truth. But for now, he couldn’t accept it. He wasn’t angry at her about it, he couldn’t be angry at her for it. So he was angry at himself instead.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Azelie trying to figure out what she could say to convince him, but coming up with nothing. She knew that, at that moment, there was nothing else she could do to make him believe that it wasn’t his fault, that he wasn’t to blame. She turned to face him, to find that he was already looking at her. She smiled softly towards him, watching as he did the same in reply. They were both stuck in the same place. Both stuck in the darkness of guilt, but Cole didn’t deserve to be there. It hadn’t been his fault, and yet he still felt guilty.

“Why weren’t you at school on Friday?” she questioned, trying to start up a conversation and change the subject from Cole’s mother. Cole let out a little laugh, realising what she was trying to do.

“It was the anniversary of her death,” He answered, looking away for a second before looking back at Azelie so he could see her reaction.

“Oh,” was all she could say as she realised how big a fail her plan had been. It all made sense once again. That was why he had gotten so drunk last night, because he was grieving. He had felt his pain and he decided to try to numb it all with alcohol.

“Do you have any plans for the rest of the day?” Cole questioned, “Lily’s been talking nonstop about you since Sunday,” He added with a smile.

“I’m free,” Azelie replied happily. They both stood up from the ground, Cole saying goodbye to his mother, before they both started to walk away from the grave.

As they left, Azelie began to wonder slightly, if things were ever going to be the same between Cole and herself. Only a few hours ago, Azelie was avoiding Cole at all costs, and now he had trusted her with a big part of his life - he had trusted her with his scars. The only question on Azelie’s mind at that moment was if Azelie would trust Cole with her scars? Would she trust him with the truth of the question he had asked, the one that had made her so angry? About what made her fearless? Probably not. But then again, things change; people change; and most importantly, feelings change.

TA-DA! I really hope you enjoyt his chapter! It really tells Cole story exactly the way I needed/wanted it to! Although, don't think that this is just it... ;)

Anyway, thanks for the awesome responce on the last chapter! I just feel like so many more people are reading this! And I love you all for reading it! Seriously, thank you! I love you no matter how many reads it gets! The song on the side is Mumford & Son's Timshel :) I love this song! Too freaking good

The next upload should be on Thursday, although on friday I get my exam results back and so yeah.. if I'm murdered then that's why there's no upload :)

I hope you enjoyed this chapter (pretty please comment/vote if you did!) but if you didn't, let me know why! How will i improve if you don't tell me! :) Until Thursday folks :) xx

- Unicorn Out