‘I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear,’

- Nelson Mandela

Chapter Fourteen

Azelie lay awake on her bed, wide awake, her memories playing with her brain. Her thoughts drifted back to Cole and his sister. How much they loved each other. Would Azelie and her younger sister have been like that? Would they have loved each other that much or would they had fought like her cousins back in Florida had?

Azelie had been seven when her sister died. Azelie remembered perfectly kissing her younger sister on the forehead. Her hair had fallen out because of the chemotherapy a few months ago, but she still looked as beautiful as she had before they found out that she had cancer. Azelie hadn’t understood just how sick her sister had been, she hadn’t understood exactly what cancer meant. To her, it was like the flu. It would make her really sick for a little while, but then the doctors would give her some special medicine which would make her all better again. But of course, cancer isn’t like the flu, at least her sister’s hadn’t been.

Azelie remembered helping her parents put her to bed that night, her father carried her sister up the stairs, while her mother held Azelie’s hand. Her father lay her down softly on her bed, watching as her eyes weakly shut. He slowly leaned down and gently kissed her on the forehead, her mother doing the same, tears streaming down both their faces as her father held her mother while she attempted to stifle her sobs as she gazed at both her daughters as Azelie bent to kiss her sister on the cheek before whispering goodnight to her. The action caused Azelie’s mother to let out a loud sob, unable to control it any longer. Azelie hadn’t realised until she was older that her mother and father had been expecting her sister to die that night. The doctors had told them earlier in the day that they had done all they could, that it was a matter of time. They had taken her out of the hospital, away from all the machine which could no longer help their youngest daughter. She died peacefully in her sleep, surrounded by those who loved her.

Tears rolled down Azelie’s cheeks as she tried unsuccessfully to choke them back. Seeing Cole and his sister had been too much. The girl was only a few years older than her sister had been when she died. It had brought up too many memories.

Haley had been the first to die. The first on the list of seven names.

Every Sunday after her death, her and her parents would make their way to her grandparents house. However, little did they know that in only a couple of months, while driving their usual route to the little cottage where her grandparents lived, a truck driver would fall asleep at the wheel - and crash straight into their car.

They were the second and third names on the list. The list of seven names that haunted Azelie in her nightmares.

Her alarm clock rang, signaling 6AM, Azelie instantly jumped out of bed, glad to have a distraction, before changing into her joggers and a t-shirt and slipping her running trainers on to her feet. She grabbed her ipod from her bedside unit and left her room, tip toeing past Ted’s bedroom and down the stairs. She swiftly walked into the kitchen, digging her water bottle out of one of the cupboards before filling it up to the brim with ice cold water. She then made her way out of the kitchen, holding her bottle in one hand and her ipod in the other as she walked up to the front door.

It didn’t take her long to run her usual route, running faster and faster from the thoughts that messed with her mind. She didn’t want to deal with it all anymore. How long would she have to live up with her aunt’s words on her conscience? Would the therapist make anything better? Or was it up to Azelie to sort her head out? Azelie just pushed all the questions down, like she always did, but the feeling that the thoughts weren’t going to leave Azelie’s mind in peace anytime soon stayed.

Azelie rushed home, jumping into the shower as soon as she got there before getting ready for school. She pulled on a pair of blue skinny jeans and a loose fitting jumper before slipping on a pair of vans. She then dried her brown hair, before tying it in one long side plat.

Grabbing her school bag on the way out of her room, she made her way down the hall and the stairs, walking into the kitchen for the second time that morning, only for this time for it to smell like the usual bacon and pancakes that Ted made everyday for breakfast.

“I swear to god Ted, you are trying to make me fat with all this pancakes and bacon!” Azelie joked, sitting down at the table where there was a plate waiting for her.

“Well I’m clearly failing! You could eat the entire contents of the fridge and you still wouldn’t gain weight!” Ted replied, sitting across from Azelie with his usual cup of coffee and morning newspaper. Azelie laughed at the truth in what Ted was saying before thinking back to the night before.

“How was your date last night?” she questioned with a smirk, remembering how excited Ted had been about having the meal with his client.

“How was dinner at your boyfriends?” he countered, raising an eyebrow at his niece.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Azelie quickly stated, the smirk falling off her lips.

“And last night wasn’t a date!” Ted replied with a smirk. Azelie just let out a small huff while rolling her eyes.

“Well, judging from how excited you were the last few days, you would have thought that it was a date!” Azelie said before finishing off one of the pancakes on her plate.

“It wasn’t a date!” Ted groaned, wishing that Azelie would just drop it “Honestly, I’m just really excited about getting the artist’s work in! It’s honestly breathtaking!”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever!” Azelie smiled, “That’s what you’re saying now, but next thing you know, you’ll be coming home telling me that you got hitched in Vegas with some Elvis impersonator marrying you!” She added, repeating his words from the day before. Ted just let out a laugh, shaking his head slightly. Azelie finished off her breakfast, noticing that she would have to leave soon if she wanted to be on time for school. She said goodbye to Ted, before briskly making her way out of the house, shuffling down the street before walking her usual route to her school.

She had barely reached her locker when she was attacked by her pink haired friend, Kelly jumping up behind Azelie.

“Why the hell did you leave the party on Friday?” Kelly questioned, jumping up on her. Azelie instantly span around, excuses filling up her brain. She could say that she was sick of having to listen to Cole and Sarah flirt. She most defiantly couldn’t tell Kelly that Cole walked her home. She would probably go on about them dating again.

“Good morning to you too Kelly!” Azelie grinned, continuing to walk towards her locker with Kelly by her side while choosing to ignoring Kelly’s question.

“And I heard from a little birdy that Cole left with you,” Kelly added, the smirk evident in her voice. Azelie swore under her breath while turning to face Kelly.

“Little birdies lie, you know...” Azelie said. Technically it was a lie. She left the party alone, Cole just followed her out.

“Azelie! Stop giving me cryptic crap! It’s too damn early! Did you and Cole did walk home or not?” She questioned as they reached Azelie’s locker. Azelie unlocked her locker, trying to find a way to avoid answering Kelly, but after finding none she decided to tell the truth.

“Yes, we did,” she answered.

“WHENS THE WEDDING?” she questioned furiously in reply.

“What? Kelly, Jesus calm the hell down! Honestly, we just became friends - we aren’t dating, nor will we ever be!” Azelie replied, still getting over her shock from what Kelly had just shouted out. Almost immediately, Kelly began to chuckle to herself, causing Azelie to become scared for her friend’s mental health.

“It’s alright, I’m sorry! I was just joking, honestly! I know you guys are just friends! I just love seeing both your faces when I suggest you start dating! It’s quite funny!” Kelly explained, a smile growing on her lips. Azelie let out the breath of anger she had been holding in, glad to hear that Kelly was only joking.

“Okay..” Azelie said trailing off slightly. “I swear to god, Kelly! You almost gave me a heart attack,” Azelie added, putting the books she didn’t need till after lunch in her locker and replacing them with the ones that she did need.

“But you would make one a good couple!” Kelly replied “One of those couples that argue all the time and then have fantastic make-up sex,”

“KELLY!” Azelie shouted, slamming shut her locker, quickly spinning around to look at Kelly who now had a cheeky smirk playing on her lips.

“You know it’s true!”

“Yeah well you know who else would make a brilliant couple?” Azelie questioned, a smirk growing on her lips.

“Who?”

“You and Alex,” She said with a knowing smile. That shut Kelly up. Almost immediately, Azelie regretted taking it up, forgetting the conversation before. Kelly’s eyes went wide with shock as she just stood there, looking up at Azelie looking as if she was self-destructing inside.

“How did you know?” She questioned in a whisper, not looking away from Azelie for a second.

“Well you don’t exactly hide it very well,” Azelie replied, rolling her eyes at Kelly.

“Does he know?” Kelly asked.

“Does who know?”

“Does Alex know? Did you tell him?” She clarified, her voice anything but calm as she brushed her hands through her pink hair.

“I didn’t tell him? Why did something happen?” Azelie asked, worrying slightly about Kelly.

“No, nothing happened, and nothing ever will!” Kelly replied, calming down slightly. “I swear to god Azelie, if you ever tell him-”

“I wasn’t going to tell him, Kelly!” Azelie quickly said, cutting Kelly off.

“Okay, okay,” Kelly said floating off to her own world while the bell for first period rang. “Look I’ll talk to you later,” Kelly added, looking back at Azelie. Azelie nodded before saying goodbye to Kelly, and walking off in the opposite direction to get to her first class.

How could Kelly not see that Alex loved her back? Everybody else could see it - hell, complete strangers could see it!

Azelie just ignored the questions building up, knowing that she would get no answer to them. She quickly walked down the corridors of her school before arriving at the subject that had practically been turned into her own personal hell by Cole. Chemistry. All they seemed to do was argue over their project. It was always‘You’re not doing this correctly’ or ‘What the hell is that suppose to mean?’. Chemistry had never been a favorite of Azelie’s, but being partnered up with Cole was just ridiculous.

She walked into the classroom to find him sitting at their desk, ready for another hour of fighting. Letting out a loud sigh, she made her way over to the desk, dumping her bag underneath her it before pulling the chair out from under the desk to sit on it.

“Hey,” Cole greeted with a smile, perking up slightly now that Azelie had arrived.

“Hi,” She replied, “What we doing today?”

“Re-doing the experiments from last week - only this time I’m writing up the results since neither of us can read your writing,” Cole replied quickly, before digging his books out of his bags. Azelie bite her tongue to stop herself bringing up everything that he had done wrong, and instead started silently praying inside her head that the teacher would split them up sooner rather than later. Last week they had done an experiment with Azelie writing down the results while Cole controlled the experiments and told her the results to record. However, he had read the results off so fast that Azelie couldn’t keep up with him. Instead of telling him to slow down, she had simply sped up the speed at which she was writing the results down, hence the results being scribbly. Azelie could still read the results (after taking five minutes to translate it into normal read-able language) but Cole had claimed that she hadn’t written them down correctly and said that they would have to do the entire experiment again. They just worked so perfectly as a team.

They quickly set up the experiment they had done the week before, a silence falling between the two. Cole began to think back to the weekend, going over how his parachute had been faulty. And then he began to wonder what made Azelie think she was fearless? She had this whole thing about her not being scared of anything, but she had never given him a reason for it.

“Why?” he questioned, looking over at Azelie. She turned back to him, a look of confusion forming on her features.

“Why what?”

“Why do you think that you are fearless?” He questioned before thinking through what he had just said, “Wait, no - that came out wrong... what happened to make you fearless? Nobody just wakes up one day and decides to that they aren’t scared of anything anymore - well no sane person! What happened to you?”

Azelie just stood there, his question circling around her head, playing on repeat over and over. Why was she fearless? What happened... Out of all the questions in all the world, he had to ask that one. She knew the answer, she knew it far to well.

‘It’s your fault! It’s all your fault!” the voice from the memory replayed itself, answering the question in Cole’s question.

“There are some questions you don’t ask a girl Cole. What’s your bra size? Are you on your period? What happened to make your fearless?” she said, turning back to the experiment, pushing away the anger that was building up inside of her, pushing away all the memories that his question had brought up.

“But I want to know - and you clearly know the answer!” Cole replied, not looking away from Azelie for a second. Her mask was slipping, he could see it - she was letting her emotions out.

“Cole, just drop it. I don’t want to speak about it - okay?” she replied quietly, trying to count backwards from ten. There were so many questions she had wanted to ask Cole - why did he refuse to go over the bridge? Why did he care so much? What had happened to his mother? For some reason, she had the feeling that they were all connected - but still, she didn’t ask the questions. It would be too personal - just like his question was.

“Well I do! I want to know!”

“Cole - drop it,” She replied, her voice now full of anger.

“Have you even known me to drop anything, Azelie?” Cole smirked slightly, not realising just how angry Azelie was getting.

“Do you know how many questions I have about you? Why you refuse to let me walk home alone? Why there’s only your father and Lily? Who is the woman the pictures that are hanging in your house? Why you care so much about everything? About me? Why you care so much about me not being scared of anything, and why you feel the need to disprove it! Why you argue with me on everything and why you care so much about your little sister! Why you wouldn’t leave me alone to do this damn project, and why you pulled me back from the bridge, or off the rails?” She ranted quietly, anger building up and up with every word she spoke. Cole stood there, speechless as he watched Azelie go on and on. He hadn’t been expecting this at all, but she wasn’t quite finished just yet. “But most of all -Why you refuse to walk over the bridge, even when it’s the quickest way? Even Kelly avoided the bridge for you when we were going to the party. I pushed all my questions down, and I leave them. Why? Because they are personal and I don’t need to know them. You are just as much a mystery to me Cole! You do not need to know why I’m not scared of anything. Why I can lie in front of trains and jump off bridges without a second thought. It’s you who chose to disprove the idea of me being fearless - I didn’t ask you to. And if you have any ideas about fixing me, about making me into some kind of happy go-lucky girl who forgets all about her damn past, then just forget it all - right now. Because that’ s never going to happen. I’m fucking broken, and there’s nothing anybody is ever going to do that can fix that,” she added, ending her speech. She was just managing to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. She hadn’t expected to say all that, the words just seemed to tumble out her mouth. Without sparing a second glance up at Cole, she asked the teacher to allow her to go to the nurse, telling him that she had a sore head. The teacher agreed to her request, excusing her from the class.

She didn’t go the nurse, she didn’t make it there. The tears started spilling out as soon as she left the classroom, and she walked down the corridor and into the toilets, locking herself in one of the cubicles. Her mind went into havoc, everything hitting her at once. Her emotions blurred into one. Anger, sadness, regret. She just didn’t want to feel anything anymore. She didn’t want these memories anymore, she didn’t want to feel broken or fucked up anymore. She wanted to be seven again, kissing her sister on the forehead. She wanted to be jealous of her younger’s sister’s long brown hair, and the fact that Haley looked more like her mother, rather than Azelie who looked more like her father.

Over the weekend, she had felt good again. Sure there were still her nightmares, but the events of Friday and Sunday had given her some hope for everything. Now, she felt stupid that she could have felt normal over the weekend. She was never going to be ‘normal’, what was the point in pretending. She just wanted to go back to that day when she was hanging over the bridge, before Cole had driven along and pulled her back. She wished she lad let go earlier, tell herself that everything would be easier if she had just let go. She wanted to...

But she couldn’t.