It has been five days since Tae asked me to be his boyfriend. I feel as if I am floating at times. We've both moved into this relationship so fast and there is so much we do not know about each other.

However, I don't think we could have slowed it down if we wanted to. At times I believe it is foolish and irresponsible and I feel scared. After all, I am a public figure and I have to be careful about my personal relationships.

Once Christmas is over I will share everything with him. It will all be better then, I keep telling myself.

However, my uncertainly and apprehension dissolves as soon as I look into his eyes. In those moments, he is perfect, and we are perfect. I feel safe and I know the timing for us is now.

Yet there is that tiny part of me, the analytical, organized, and cautious part that holds me back. It is that part that stops me from telling him everything now.

It will be okay. It must be. I tell myself that it is not so bad.

I at least told him about Tommie Chen and how that was a façade. When he responded that my fans did not care about me dating him and it is a common practice in this industry to stay relevant, I felt relieved. But then my heart sank because I know my fans and Tae care about Uno.

They welcomed us into their homes, and I shared photos and told loving heartwarming stories about Uno and Christmas in my snowy mountain cottage. It was all a lie and all done for ratings. I hide my face in my hands and just shake my head as shame washes over me. I do not want to think about.

It is a terribly busy time at the show. Everyone is buzzing about Tae's Christmas Wish. It is all so exciting as the final preparation are being made. Tae and I are both excited.

I am surprised by my own excitement. Since mom died Christmas has not been the same. The traditions like decorating the tree together and sipping of hot cocoa, Jimin baking sweet rolls on Christmas morning, and cooking Christmas dinner together. Jimin and I tried for a year, but I always ended up feeling so sad. Mom would not want that for us. But there is something so special about the excitement that I see in Tae's eyes and smile when he talks about his old fashion Christmas. It so contagious.

Jins found the perfect cottage and Tae and I revealed our Christmas Eve and Christmas Day list of activities a few days ago on my show. From sledding, decoration the tree, and to making our big Christmas dinner our fans loved it. Social media blew up and we were trending for two days.

Jin and Namjoon could not be happier. The show's ratings continue to skyrocket, and our audience has expanded. I'm just happy to be with Tae. Tae and I realized that there were so many conversations that we needed to have.

How do we be together in public and at work? What happens after Tae's vacation is over? We talk every day and often more than once.

But I see him several times throughout the week. I want more of my boyfriend and not less. Tae just says we will work it out. He has faith that it will all be okay.

That scares me because I do not want a long-distance relationship. I want to be with him every day, but I will settle for something very close to that. We both agreed to keep our relationship quiet until after the new year.

Once Tae is no longer a part of my show, we will go public. I cannot wait to let the world know Kim Taehyung is my man. Of course, Jin knows and is happy for us.

Namjoon knows and does not care if it does not affect the show. Tae and I have found it challenging to work together a few days a week and tone down our passion. We cannot keep our hands off each other.

I seem to be smiling and giggling all the time. Jin says that I am glowing. Namjoon is happy because our chemistry comes across even better which translates into ratings, he says now that we are fucking.

I am not offended, that is the way Namjoon is. It all about business. We sneak away to my office every opportunity we get and make out careful to keep it at a kissing and petting level only.

After Tae shared with me his talk with Suga I was very moved. Of course, I will accept his apology. Tae and I have been pretty wrapped up in each other for so many weeks.

I can easily see how difficult this has been for Suga. Tae and Suga are close. Far closer than Jimin and I have been. They live together and are a part of each other's daily lives.

I envy them for having such a close connection. I have seen more of Jimin in the last month than I have in the past year. We talk weekly but this has been different. I like it and do not want it to change.

Suga asked for an opportunity to talk with me and Jimin, together. I am eager to see him again and get on the right track. However, Jimin does not trust him and is resistant.

Unfortunately, when Jimin sours on someone that relationship is usually done. To quiet me he has agreed to see and hear Suga's apology and promised to behave. I am not sure why he did not want to participate tonight. I hope he has changed his mind and is willing to give Suga another chance. Suga, Tae, and Tannie will be arriving in about an hour.

I have not seen my love in two days, and I miss him terribly. He has been spending time with Suga which is wonderful, yet I find myself a bit jealous of Suga and his time with my man. It is childish yet it is how I feel.

Tonight, he will stay with me, and I cannot wait. I miss his touch and him in my bed. The more he makes love to me the more I want him. I seem to be hot and horny for him all the time. I hope the evening does not go to long because I need my Alpha man between my legs loving me.

I am also excited to get a redo with my duck dinner. I double checked both ovens at least three times to make sure everything is going well. All my side are ready, and everything is running smoothly. I still want to impress Suga and my sweetheart. I just want to make Tae happy.

I am a bit anxious but not like I was the last time we all met. I have a boyfriend and a lover. My tummy does flip-flops at the thought of my change in relationship status as I smile and chuckle to myself.

I hear the doorbell ring. It should be Jimin. I am humming and smiling as I eagerly scurry to the door to let him in. I open the door and he has a partial smile that I know is forced.

"Jimin," I say immediately, "please do not be that way. Suga really is sincere. We all moved things around so we could do this tonight when you were available. I need you to be more than physically present. You promised." I say as my smile that changes into a frown showing my disappointment.

I hear an exasperated grunt as he walks past me carrying his signature lemon cake with lemon cream cheese icing. "Kookie, I'm here as I said I would be," he says with a hint of irritation as he walks into the kitchen with me right behind him.

"I just don't know why I need to be here. He wants to apologize. Great. You passed it on to me and you tell him I accepted, and I never have to see his ass again," he exclaims in a snarky manner as he places his cake on the kitchen island and removes it from its carrier.

I get distracted for a moment by the cake. Jimin works magic with baking, and cakes are his specialties. As he lifts the cake out to the carrier my eyes grow wide. It is beautiful.

"Ohh, Jimin this is gorgeous," I coo. "Look how you got the icing all swirly. I love it." I lean in a take a sniff and smile closing my eyes as the sweet lemon scent fills my nostrils.

"Well, let's hope Suga gets an opportunity to taste it this time," I say jokingly. I look at him and cannot help but chuckle referring to the tiramisu incident.

"Kookie, you know I do not play around when it comes to baking," he says with a soft and genuine smile. "And can we not talk about that unfortunate incident. I just want this to be over so I can go home and binge-watch my Netflix."

I then frown and look at him as I place my hands on my hips.

"Jimin, this is important. I love Tae and I want to build a life with him. Suga will be around. Don't forget, you will see him again on Christmas day," I say putting on my oven mitts as I see the timer counting down from 20 seconds.

"What the Fuck! I forgot that" he says rapidly as his eyes expand.

"Jimin! I invited you three weeks ago. It will be me, you, Tae, Suga, and Tannie. Why is this news?" I say in a huff of frustration.

"No Kookie I remembered about Christmas. I did not know he was coming. I-I thought that he w-was leaving shortly. You never said that asshole would be coming for Christmas!" Jimin says angrily as I furrow my eyebrows and then pull my head back.

His reaction is over the top and out of character for even Jimin. Yes, he can be sour on someone, but he can shift and adjust and be cordial when required. He does it all the time in business. There is more than he is saying.

"Sit!" I say motioning towards an island stool as I cut off my lower oven and remove my duck.

Jimin is quiet which tells me a lot. I cannot see his face, but I feel the tension. I place the duck on the stove top and check it.

Perfect. I then pull a stool out and sit next to him.

"Jimin," I say in a soft tone as I position myself on the stool and pull close to him. "Please tell me what's going on. There's something more that you are not saying," I say as he flattens his lips into a straight line and then looks down at his hands.

"Kookie, don't worry about me. I am sorry and I'll be on my best behavior. Tae is important to you. I am so happy that you have found someone that is deserving of my baby brother. I love the light in your eyes and the way he looks at you. This is not about me," he says and shows me that fake partial smile again.

"Thanks, Jimin. I know you are happy for me, and I appreciate your love and support. Now tell me what the fuck is going on," I say firmly leaning in closer and raising an eyebrow.

"So, you're not letting me get away with that, huh?" He says as he drums his fingertips on the granite surface.

I stay silent and shake my head, no, as he looks at me and I see the sadness in his eyes. He clears his throat and I wait until he speaks.

"I-I like him, uh Suga," he whispers as I pull back surprised by what I am hearing.

This is not the Jimin I know. He takes no prisoners when it comes to being done with a man. And from the conversations I have had with Jimin, I was clear that he was quite done with Suga.

"Oh Jimin, that's a good thing. What's the problem?" I ask as he turns his body towards me and shakes his head slowly from side to side.

"The problem is that he hates me Kookie. He is seen me lose it. There's no chance for us," he says raising the pitch in his voice.

"No, that not true. He's a good guy and–"

He quickly interrupts me before I complete my sentence.

"Kookie! I threatened to stab him over dessert. Of course, he hates me. I don't know what to do."

"About what Jimin?" Leaning in wanting to be helpful.

"I can't stop thinking about him. This is not me. I have less trouble getting rid men that I have dated for months.

"This is a fuckin train wreck. Kookie, when you said he wanted to apologize in person I was so excited. Then I remembered I was a beast.

"He's just apologizing because of Tae and you. He knows Tae cares for you deeply and if he wants a relationship with his brother, he needs to accept you. He only needs to not fight with me and get through the evening."

"So not only do I have to see this hot guy that is so real and opinionated for another dinner party, but I also have to do it all over again on Christmas! Oh God, I just want to die," Jimin says dramatically as he drops his chin to his chest as his entire body slumps.

"Jimin," I say rubbing his arm, "are you forgetting his role in this? You responded because he was rude. While you did go a bit far with the threat of violence, he got the ball rolling. And you were not a beast," I say as I try to console him.

This is not the confident Jimin that I know. Although I do not like seeing him so out of sorts, I'm happy that he has an interest in Suga. I do not know him well but from the stories that Tae has told me, I think he is a good guy.

"I remember him not being able to keep his eyes off you when we last met. He was into you, and he is likely feeling the same about you, Jimin," I share as he lifts his chin and meets my eyes with his.

"Y-You think so Kookie? You really think that he was into me?" He says as I notice a sincere soft smile brighten his handsome face with the slow expanse of a smile.

"I could always call Tae and ask him-,"

He quickly interrupts. "No, Kookie! Don't do that!" He yells as I nod my head in agreement.

"Where is the Jimin that can charm any man? I saw you flirting with him last week and he was responding until things went in another direction. I am doing a redo. I'm making my duck dinner with all the trimmings, and you get to have a redo too."

"You're right Kookie. I did see a glimpse that he was into me. If he is, I will find out. I like that, a redo. It is another opportunity to rewind. I certainly could use a bit of fun," he says with a chuckle.

"Let me show you something you missed when you walked in. Follow me," I say taking his hand and pulling him to the living area. He stops in his tracks and gasps as we enter the grand living area.

"Ohh, Kookie! How did I miss this? Oh my, it must be at least a 12- footer. Are we going to decorate it tonight?" he says in an inquisitive whisper as his face lights up.

"Yes, Jimin we are all going to decorate the tree. It will be fun. We are going to play Christmas music and just have a good time. You and I have been so busy with work, and" I clear my throat and swallow before continuing, "I do not want to miss this moment with you," I say as Jimin quickly grabs hold of me and hugs me tight. I hear a sniffle as he releases me and wipes away a tear.

"Kookie, this is so beautiful. It reminds me of you, me, and Mom decorating the tree," he says with building excitement.

"I hope you got the Kookie Cocoa," Jimin says as his smile gleams making my excitement increase as I smile at him and nod my head .

Christmas has always been a joyful time. At least while Mom was around. I can tell that he still has the spark as do I. A spark that seems to be growing.

" Jimin, I think Tae's Christmas wish has brought the joy back into my Christmas spirit. I had lost my Christmas joy. Especially after Mom passed away. It just has not been the same," I say placing an elbow on the island as l cup my chin with my hand.

Jimin lets out a sign and nods his head.

"Kookie, I have felt the same. You know, not having much Joy around Christmas. But I am excited about spending time with you this year. Mom wouldn't want us to be sad. She always loved Christmas so much. But somehow it feels different this year and I must say I like hearing you share about Tae's Christmas wish," Jimin says as I feel a warmth radiates throughout my body as I smile and nod my head.

"Jimin Christmas is about love, joy and connection with others. It is about family and good friends. We are not a big family. But we have friends that care about us. Mom left us with so many wonderful memories. I think it is up to us to create more sweet memories. I am certain that is what mom would have wanted.

"You are right, Kookie about creating new memories. I look forward to doing that with you regardless to who is there. I also think you are right about Suga. He is probably not happy with his behavior also, being the good man that I think he is. Kookie, I am all in for this redo," he happily says as I give him a heartfelt high five and a hug.