Last night Tae and I spoke for over an hour. I had no idea the call lasted so long until I had hung up. I am finding it difficult to be away from him and he consumes my thoughts much of my days.

As much as I love the warm feelings, I get thinking of him, I also hate it. We have not committed and I don't want to be needy or dependent on anyone. This space is new for me.

I know he is into me now, but does he want more, like me? Is he as consumed as I am? Does he feel an aching when we have had no connection for long periods?

Does he feel the heat and passion as I do? Has he imagined us together, in bed making love? Does he see me in his future because I certainly see him in mine?

I cannot wish these thoughts and questions away. I have tried to apply logic, but it is of no avail. I have never been in love and right now it sucks because I want him to love me. God help me not to be a fool in love.

I have been a nervous wreck much of the day. I seem to have been rushing around since I woke this morning. I started with meal preparation for my side dishes and marinating my duck for roasting.

Yet, I keep getting lost in thoughts of Tae, of us together. Tae told me that Suga likes everything that he has prepared from the show and he has no food allergies. I want to prepare a meal that Tae is unfamiliar with and that they will both enjoy. I want to pleasantly surprise him.

As I move through my day, I feel scattered and anxious. The simplest tasks are taking longer than expected. This is due to my anxiety about this gathering and my being lost in thoughts of Tae.

I realize that it is Tae ultimately that I want to impress. I want him to see me as a keeper. My confidence is usually quite good but with Tae, I feel like a fish out of water. His family and pets are important to him and I want to be a part of his life which means I would be a part of theirs.

After placing my duck in the oven, I shower and dress. I have not seen Tae in two days and my lips crave his as does my body his hands. After dinner is over, I hope we will get some time alone. I want to be in his arms.

After I set the table ad check that everything is in its place, I take a deep breath and begin to calm down. Jimin should be here shortly. I put the wine on chill and Suga's favorite beer brand on ice to give it a nice chill by the time they arrive.

I even have a special gourmet doggy bone for Tannie. I then settle on my plushy couch, grab my phone, and check messages. No calls so all is well. Suddenly, I smell something burning and jump up and run into the kitchen.

Fuck my duck is burning!

I pull open the lower oven door as smoke pours into the room. I grab a potholder and pull the duck out as the smoke detector sounds. Shit! Shit! Shit! I close the oven door and open a window. I take a kitchen towel and frantically fan it over the smoke detector until the alarm silences.

I cover my mouth with both hands as I examine the ruined duck. Oh God! What happened and what the fuck am I going to do? I just continue to repeat, "No, no, no."

I look at the oven setting and the temperature in the lower oven is too high which means that the temperature in the upper level is too low and my sides are ruined too. I just stand there frozen and unable to think. The buzzer sounds as I jump like two feet.

Thank God it is Jimin. I buzz him in. He immediately sees my distress as I open the door and I nearly burst into tears.

"Kookie what happened and please tell me that is not dinner I smell burning?" I just nod as he pulls me into a hug.

"It's okay Kookie, I'm here. We will figure it out. I've been in worst scrapes and so have you," he says as he exhales, and I come down from catastrophe to problem.

"Jimin what am I going to do it's all ruined? Tae will be here in 30 minutes. This is a disaster. I had everything planned and ready. It was going to be perfect. Now it is just a fuckin mess," I say shaking my head as I sink into the couch.

"C'mon. Get your ass up and let's fix this," Jimin says and pulls me towards the kitchen.

"Jimin, the duck is ruined. I'm, I'm not prepared to make anything else. We could go out, I guess. No, we have Tannie, and Tae and his brother are expecting a home-cooked meal. What the fuck, it's not fixable. It's all too horrible," I say feeling myself escalate again.

"Kookie, please let me know when you are finished with your pity party and then we'll fix it," he says placing his hands on his hips and slowly shaking his head.

"What? Okay, I'm done." I say as Jimin jumps into action.

"Let's dump this duck to get this smell out of here. Open up some more windows Kookie," he says confidently as I follow his directives. He then turns on the exhaust fan.

"Didn't you say that Tae loves Italian, and his brother loves everything he's cooks?"

I nod and watch as he takes out his phone and places a call. "Alphonse, my friend how are you? I am not doing as well my friend. I'm hosting a small dinner party for four and I've had a mishap in the kitchen."

Jimin pause as he talks to Alphonse, the owner of my favorite little Italian restaurant that I took Tae to three weeks ago. I listen and watch him work his magic. Why am I not surprised that Jimin would have Alphonse on speed dial?

"What? Chef Ramon would do that for me? Of course. Let me give you, our order." I stand there in the middle of my gourmet penthouse kitchen and let out an exhale as Jimin orders dinner and dessert right out of Alfonse's kitchen prepared by Chef Ramon.

Why was I unable to adjust to this calamity? I have had worse mishaps before and figured it out, quickly. That's what I do, arrange, organize and problem solve. I was like a fuckin zombie and ready to throw myself off my penthouse terrace.

Has Tae gotten under my skin so much I'm becoming mindless? Has the thought of pleasing him affected my judgment? Evidently, I think as I shudder with what I consider to be a weakness. Get it together, I tell myself.

Jimin completes the call and returns to the kitchen. I quickly hug him. He grabs a bottle of wine and then we head to the couch.

"The meal will arrive in an hour. We will plate the food and serve it. It will be perfect, Kookie. Oh yeah, Alfonse wants me to say hello," he says as I slowly shake my head.

I smile and nod as I follow Jimin onto the couch.

"Let's have a drink and get you calm before they arrive. Kookie except for the duck, everything looks great," he says followed by a chuckle.

"Jimin you are a lifesaver. Why didn't I think of that Jimin? I have done it before. I was like lost and stuck. I don't like this Jimin," I say dry washing my hands as he chuckles.

"Kookie, you remember when I said you want everything neat and perfect and often it is not. You, dear brother, were too attached to the outcome being one way. Perfect. Shit happens. The problem is when you are attached in that manner, it is difficult seeing anything else. You are also all wound up and in love.

"I know you, Kookie. You're beating yourself up and jumping to all types of false conclusions," he says and smiles softly at me as I look down at my hands.

"Jimin I've been thinking about Tae all day. It is really sweet and my tummy flutters with the thought of being with him. But it is distracting and that led to burning the duck. I miss him and feel needy and that scares the shit out of me", I say as he pours me a glass of wine and passes it to me.

"That's a good thing, Kookie. You care about him and you are not use to caring. You are the taskmaster. Please try to relax and enjoy the feeling."

"Kookie, Tae cares about you. This evening will be what it will be. And that is it. You have done dinner parties with big clients and celebrities. I know the stakes are higher here. It is just Tae, his little dog, and his brother. How hard can that be? Let's have fun with it. Have some laughs. Is the brother cute?"

"I don't know. I have never met him, Jimin. But you are right. I need to relax," I say as I take a sip of my wine.

I feel giddy as the taxi pulls in front of Kookie's residence. I am terribly excited to see him and also nervous about asking him to be my boyfriend. I feel quite confident and have not considered how I might react if he says no, I want more with him.

I have been a bit scattered all day, lost in thoughts of him. I was looking for my red cap earlier when I took Tannie on his walk. After 15 minutes of searching, Suga was happy to point out that it was on my head. God, let Kookie want more with me because I am crazy for him.

Tannie is on a leash as Suga, and I approach the entrance. My stomach is fluttering with anticipation and I am eager to kiss Kookie's lips.

The doorman greets us as we enter and are directed to the private penthouse elevator. Suga looks around as he takes in the grand lobby.

"Wow, his own elevator. Must be nice,' Suga says with a sneer as I continue to smile and ignore his sarcasm.

"Look at all of this ornate exhibition of wealth. I'm glad we don't go in for any of this shit," Suga says as we enter the elevator and I lift Tannie to my arms. I shift my weight as I feel a mild irritation with Suga's comment.

"Suga, we are not celebrities. I quite like this building and Kookie's penthouse apartment. I appreciate the architecture and workmanship. We were raised on a farm so it's different," I say as Suga tilts his head down while making eye contact.

"You mean you could live like this? Around all these people, tight spaces, and buildings? You'd be out of here in less than a month," Suga says as I realize that he is going into this gathering with a negative attitude and that is never good with Suga.

"Suga, please be polite and gracious. Kookie is not the enemy. Please do not punish him for being a wealthy celebrity," I say as the elevator comes to a stop, "I'm sure he may be a bit nervous meeting you and Tannie," I add.

"Sure Tae, should I call him Mr. Jeon. And when am I not gracious? It's a good thing there's a meal attached."

I now question my judgment for inviting Suga. I know how Suga can be. Rude, abrasive, and with absence of a filter. The truth is that he was reluctant to meeting Kookie and maybe I should have respected that. However, I have been clear about how important Kookie is to me and I expect him to be on his best behavior once that door opens. Which he can manage; if he wants to.

I had not considered that he may be feeling protective of me and even a bit jealous. It has been me and him for years. I have never really had a serious boyfriend.

Suga and I have become quite settled into our home life and work routine. It makes sense that he may now be having some mixed feelings. I wish I had considered this before now.

It has been over a year since I've dated. I simply dated from time to time and had sex. It, however, never felt connecting or loving.

I feel different with Kookie. Although we have not shared that level of intimacy yet, I feel connected and loving towards him. I want to protect him and take care of him in every way.

Having a sexual experience with him, I believe, will be amazing when the time is right. Oh God, I hope that it's soon. My desire for him is strong. However, I will move at his pace. This is something that cannot be rushed, especially with someone as important as Kookie is to me.

I feel anxious with Suga's comments and know that often his mouth can get ahead of his brain. In other matters, he can be brilliant and thoughtful, but he'll run with a thought often to his detriment. I hope this will not be one of those incidents. Under no circumstances will I allow him to disrespect Kookie.

I tap lightly on the door; it opens and there is my Kookie standing there glowing with his amazing bunny smile. I step in with Tannie followed by Suga.

"Hi baby," I say as I lean in to kiss him, however, Tannie is ahead of me and licks his face.

Kookie responds with that adorable giggle that I love. He then pats Tannie's head.

"Well, hello to you too Tannie," Kookie says, and giggles again.

Suga steps from behind me and partially bows. Kookie extends his hand; Suga responds by taking his hand and lightly shaking it.

"Hi Suga, it is very nice to meet you," Kookie says as his beautiful smile widens. "Please call me Kookie. All my friends do," Kookie says as he rubs my arm, providing a bit of the affection and the touch I've been starving for.

"It's nice to meet you too, Jungkook, "Suga says. I feel a warmth generate in my chest observing them. I am hopeful that this may all work out.

"Oh my, Tae, Tannie is too adorable. Can I hold him? Will he come to me?" Kookie says as I chuckle and move Tannie forward. He eagerly jumps forward as Kookie opens his arms showing Tannie he wants him. Tannie is in a frenzy as he excitedly licks Kookie's face and neck while Kookie giggles uncontrollably. I exhale a bit feeling at ease as this relationship is being established.

We follow Kookie into his living area and sit on the couch. I quickly take my position next to Kookie cutting Suga off so I can sit next to him. I look up and see Suga give me an eye roll as my swift move to get next to Kookie was blatant and a bit aggressive. However, Kookie's back was turned. I smile as if nothing happened.

Suga moves to an armchair across from the sofa but is halted in his steps. Something has taken his attention. I move to look back and see where his focus is and then hear a friendly voice.

"Hi, Tae! It's good to see you again."

It's Jimin entering with a tray of hors d'oeuvres. I then quickly glance at Suga who slowly lowers himself into his chair as his mouth comes to a close.

"Hi, Jimin," I say and stand as he places the tray on the table in front of me.

I walk over and give him a warm hug. Suga also stands and appears taken back. Jimin is quite stunning.

Each time I see him he appears to wear tailored clothing which I assume translates into designer clothing. Did he catch Suga's eye? I have never seen Suga respond in this manner before when meeting someone.

"Jimin, this is my brother Yoongi, but he goes by Suga," I say as Jimin steps closer and graciously bows with a beautiful smile.

"Hi Suga, as you heard I'm Jimin and Kookie's older, wiser, and more beautiful brother," Jimin says as Kookie and I chuckle.

Suga shows his gummy smile and quickly takes his seat. He then looks over to me as if he is self-conscious. I think he was caught off guard by Jimin's beauty and assertiveness.

Jimin is not aggressive, but he is very confident. His confidence can be seen in his speech, body language, and the directness of his eye contact. Unlike Kookie, he is not shy.

"So, what are you boys drinking? I see Kookie has some specialty beer in here that I'm not familiar with and several wines," Jimin says and pauses as he looks between myself and Suga.

"Oh Tae, I have another bottle of that Chardonnay we had on Friday that you like," Kookie says as he continues to pet Tannie. He is oblivious to the Suga saga I see unfolding, with Jimin appearing a bit flirty and Suga being mesmerized by him.

"That sounds great. I'll have a glass of wine, thank you," I say and look over to Suga. His expression is blank, and he appears a bit bewildered.

"Suga, I also have the beer you drink," Kookie says looking over to Suga, who is motionless and looks mentally paralyzed.

"Suga, did you hear Kookie? He has your beer. Would you like one?" I say in a slightly elevated voice as Suga snaps out of what apparently is a Jimin trance.

"Oh yeah, uh that's n-nice Kookie. I'll take that Jimin," he says as Jimin steps in closer, smiles at him and then does a slight tilt of his head away from Suga before turning and slowly walking into the kitchen. I chuckle to myself as Suga cannot help but to watch him.

"Uh, is there a bathroom I can use?" Suga asks.

Kookie pops his head up. "Yes, Suga down this hall and the first door on your right," Kookie says as I smile ready to take advantage of the brief time alone I have with Kookie.

As Suga disappears down the hall I take Tannie and place him on the floor.

"Sorry, baby, but I need my kiss," I say as Kookie giggles and I cup his cheek and press my lips to his. As usual, we get carried away as if we are trying to make up for the lost time over the last few days.

We hear Jimin's throat clear and pull apart as Tannie settles on the floor next to Kookie while Jimin places a wine bottle and a cold beer on the side table next to where Suga is sitting.

"Tae, your little Tannie is very cute," Jimin says, as Tannie hears his name and rushes over to Jimin who leans down and pets him.

"How old is he, Tae?" Jimin asks as I comfortably place my arm around Kookie's shoulder as he slides into me and softly smiles.

"He recently turned three," I say as Suga returns, taking a seat next to Jimin's chair and across from myself and Kookie. Suga lifts his bottled beer and says thanks to Jimin with a slight head nod but he does not look directly at him. Something is going on with him and I think I know what or should I say who it is.

"Uh, your place is very nice Jungkook. Sorry, I mean ."

"Thanks, Suga, I'm glad you like it."

"Yeah, it's nice but really big. I guess some people need a lot of space. Your bathroom is so big I thought I was in a bathhouse. And that is the guest bath huh? I nearly got lost trying to find the sink in there," Suga says as he chuckles.

I immediately feel Kookie's shoulders drop. He goes tense as Jimin continues to smile and softly chuckles.

"Yes, it is quite large," Kookie says, with a throat-clear and soft smile yet I can feel he is still tense. Kookie's phone dings and he picks it up from the table in front of us.

"Jimin, that's our delivery. Tae, I had a mishap in the kitchen earlier and our dinner plans were changed a bit. Unfortunately, I set the temperature in the oven too high and burnt the duck. However, lucky for me Jimin showed up and speed-dialed Alfonse from our little Italian restaurant, and dinner is on the way up. Tae, it's been prepared by Chef Ramon," Kookie says as I see his eyes light up.

My smile grows as I am reminded of the most delicious Italian food ever with the most beautiful view. Kookie.

"Kookie, that is just too awesome! Suga, you are in for an amazing treat. You have not had Italian until you have had a Chef Ramon meal. This is great; however, your duck would have been awesome too," I say as I lightly place my hand on Kookie's shoulder and smile.

"They will be coming to the back entryway off the kitchen, and I'll need to put it in the warmer until dinner," Kookie says seeming to have been restored to his relaxed state prior to Suga's rudeness.