I couldn't go back to class. My stomach was in knots and my head was spiraling in a million different directions after Tyler spilled his guts to me at lunch. I didn't really know how I should react or how to process all of the information thrown at me. On one hand I was so happy to know Tyler never wanted to end things between us and it wasn't his idea, but on the other hand it's really confusing to move past a heartbreak and finally be okay with being "just friends," to have that idea get flipped upside down again. Rather than say something I didn't truly mean, I took Tyler's advice and didn't answer him right then. I thanked Tyler for opening up to me and then asked him to take me home since I wasn't feeling well. I only half lied about being sick. I told him it was from the tacos....pretty sure he knew that wasn't the case.

Now I'm sitting on my bed thumbing over the smooth worn down leather of Tyler's journal. Running through a pros and cons list in my head about if I should open it or not.

Will this do me more harm than good? Am I ready for this, can I handle what's inside? Am I prepared to know all the stuff that goes on inside Tyler's head? Will this bring me clarity or more questions? Most importantly, is it worth re-opening the ache that is healing but is still there in the hopes that Tyler could once again fill that place in my heart?

After a few more minutes of contemplating I decide knowing is better than not knowing so I begin leafing through the filled pages. My fingers trace the outlines of indented pen strokes along each piece of paper. His distinct handwritten script scrolls along each page and before I read a single word I already feel more connected to him. Tyler has written steadily for months and it's all cataloged by date in this brown leather book I hold in my hands. I decide to begin at the place Tyler has dog-eared for me.

I continue flipping through page after page of journal entries on how Tyler feels about life. He talks about football, stressors, school, goals he's set for himself but mostly he writes in his journal about me. Each page illustrating our history together from his point of view.

I take a steadying breath before I turn the page in Tyler's journal. The pit in my stomach instantly is back, knowing what comes next in our story.

I can't help but notice the way this journal page is a bit more crinkled and wavy, like it'd gotten water droplets on it and then dried again. The thought of Tyler crying over me breaks my heart in a different way than before.

The next few pages of journal entries read a similar story of heartbreak and torment. It was hard to read. Tyler obviously blamed himself, but what hurt worse was reading how alone he felt in his heartache.

The last page in Tyler's journal is addressed directly to me this time.