This day sucks I think to myself while mindlessly shuffling from class to class. I couldn't sleep last night so I got up early for a long run before school. Usually when I have a lot on my mind a run helps clear my head, but not today, nothing helps. I can't get the image of Lila's sad eyes out of my brain while I rummage through my locker for my lunch that I can't find. Last night when she found me at the abandoned house she looked so relieved and genuinely happy to see me. I wanted so badly to hold her and not let go- and I almost didn't. When we hugged I could smell her sweet scent. Holding Lila close to me felt good, it felt right, like the way she always makes me feel instantly better without even trying. I was momentarily unburdened from all the things that had been weighing on my mind when her hands held my arms. The relief didn't last though because I remembered what I had to do....

Prior to Lila finding me at the abandoned house, Coach B called me to his office that morning. I knew he was going to be mad and probably yell at me some for punching Tanner at the dance, but I didn't really care. One, because Tanner had it coming to him for the way he treats girls, especially Lila. And two, I was still riding the high from the night before when Lila and I finally admitted our feelings to each other. Anyways, Coach yelled at me for awhile about being stupid enough to fight anyone, let alone a teammate. He told me he expected more from me as a senior and as the team's captain. None of the conversation was unwarranted. He was right, I shouldn't have lost my cool or fallen into Tanner's trap which was solely to get me riled up. Even if Tanner is despicable and Coach knows it, I shouldn't have gone so far. But our conversation took a turn when Coach told me most of the schools that have been highly interested in me for next year contacted him and they were reconsidering if I was the right fit for them. In their words they don't want any "hotheads" on their rosters. I guess some of the videos from the dance of me punching out Tanner went kind of viral on TikTok and Instagram. I had no idea. I was too wrapped up in Lila after the dance to check my phone the rest of the night. Anyways, I was tagged in most of the clips so it wasn't hard for the universities to catch wind of what I did.

So as Coach so kindly put it, "if I have any hope of salvaging my reputation and still earning a scholarship to a D1 school" I needed to get rid of all other distractions and prove to them how committed I am. He had done the best damage control he could with the recruiters but if I was really serious about playing college football next year then I needed to do some work. First, I needed to get my grades up. Fine, I can buckle down. Second, get in extra training on my own since I am benched for a couple weeks from the suspension. Easy, I was planning on that anyway. Third, write up some apology letters to each school explaining how this fight was extremely out of character for me and would never happen again. That's not so bad, I can handle that no problem. It truly was out of character for me. Lastly, I needed to forget all my feelings for Lila and cut things off with her...... No way, that's impossible!

I tried to fight Coach about Lila, promising it wouldn't be an issue but he wouldn't hear any of it. He told me he'd noticed how I've been distracted the last few weeks and missing simple plays that I shouldn't be. He told me I'm the most talented athlete he's had go through his program in the past 20 years and it would be a shame for me to waste my talent on a girl in high school. I didn't want to believe him, but deep down I knew he wasn't completely wrong. At least not about the being distracted part anyway, not about wasting my time on Lila. Lila does consume my thoughts most of the time. She is the best thing to happen to me in a long time, maybe even ever. I feel lighter around her. Like no matter how much pressure I put on myself, she is always going to be extremely proud of me. I'm so insanely into her that it's hard not to lose my focus. Football has always been my main priority but since Lila came into the picture it hasn't been quite as important. She has a way of doing that to me. Obviously football is still a part of who I am, but that part of me seems a little smaller when she is around. Nonetheless, Coach B made me promise I would call things off with her. Actually he didn't really give me another option so I finally conceeded. He said he was just looking out for me, and I know he thinks he is, but forcing me to distance myself from the most important person in my life is.....torture.

As hard as it was, that's what I did though. I watched as I broke Lila's heart right in front of my eyes last night. I knew it would be hard which is why I avoided everyone all day and went and hid at the abandoned house so I could think. I mean how do you tell the person you want to be with the most that you can't be with her? It isn't fair. She doesn't deserve this. Lila is literally the one person I would protect from anything and here I am causing her heartache. What might have been the worst part is that she didn't see it coming at all. I completely blindsided her. Homecoming night in all respects other than fighting with Tanner, was the best day of my life. I finally worked up the courage to tell Lila how I felt and she did the same. Knowing all my crushing wasn't one sided and finally getting our feelings out in the open....it was indescribable. And that kiss.....What can I say? It was perfect. I've imagined doing that since the day she ran into me in the hallway. The real thing was so much better though. Her soft, pink lips, holding her in my arms, the glimmer in her almond shaped eyes....it was intoxicating. The night practically felt like walking on air. So to go from ending the best night ever by carrying her cute little cradled, sleepy body upstairs to bed to then abruptly breaking things off with her the next day......it was just cruel.

I had tried to be as thoughtful as one can be when breaking another's heart. I spent all day agonizing over doing it. I didn't want to hurt or confuse Lila any more than I'd be forced to so I promised myself I wouldn't break down in front of her. I'd put on a fake brave face when I spoke to her. I wouldn't show her just how much it's killing me to end things and that it is literally the last thing I want to do. I figured the best way to end things between us was if I kept it as short as possible. I worried if I didn't, Lila would see through my lies and I'd never be able to go through with it. If I kept it short there'd be less chance of me breaking down half way through too. Trying to steady my nerves I convinced myself it'd be better for Lila if I made the break up cold and brief. After, Lila could hate me which is easier than the alternative. If she knew how much I truly care for her it'd make being apart that much harder. I'd rather have my heart break into a million pieces knowing she can't stand to be around me if it allows Lila the chance to get over me faster. I know myself and how she makes me feel, so if I told her how much it's killing me to end things it wouldn't be closure for her and at the very least I wanted to try and give her that. I don't want to torture her the way I'm already doing it to myself.

My plan was a lot easier to execute in my head than in real life. The sight of Lila standing in the abandoned house took my breath away, no matter she was soaking wet from the rain. I took a deep breath then watched as I shattered her heart into a million pieces. Her vibrant eyes instantly went glossy and red rimmed when she realized what was happening. I watched as her lips started to quiver and her hands shook while descending the ladder back downstairs. She did her best to hold back tears but I could see them welling in her eyes and watched as they started to trickle down her cheeks. My heart sank as I looked out the balcony into the rain when she ran into the woods. Once she was fully out of view I couldn't hold back anymore. I cried harder than I've ever done in my life. Even harder than when we had to put our loveable family dog Buster, down a few years back. While I sat there in the dark, only my flashlight dimly glowing, I coudn't help but think I made a huge mistake. I let the one person go that meant the most to me. Screw whatever Coach B said, I shouldn't have listened to him. But I did. And it felt horrible, it still feels horrible. I hurt the one person I wanted to protect the most.

So then when it came time for English I knew it'd be a long shot to get Mrs. Sanders to switch my project partner but I tried anyway. I asked not even for my sake, but for Lila's. Working together must feel sort of like rubbing salt in an extremely raw wound, at least it feels that way to me. The look in Lila's eyes when Mrs. Sanders said 'no' was unbearable. Her perfect face was pal and hallow. Her normally vibrant eyes only reflected devastation back at me. As I silently walked to my seat I considered taking the F on the assignment so Lila wouldn't be forced to work with me. But then I realized that one, that wouldn't help my chances with the football recruiters and two, the more important factor, me bailing would negatively effect Lila's grade as well. She'd have the entire project to do solo and she'd still lose some group points. This project is a major component to our final class grade and I know how important Lila views her studies. She doesn't deserve a bad partner, especially since I was the one who convinced her to be with me in the first place. I couldn't do that to her too. Even if I think Lila would rather be stuck with a ten foot alligator than have to endure the rest of the semester partnered up with me. I so badly wanted to tell her how horrible I felt and how sorry I was for breaking her heart before class started but Lila cut me off and I didn't get the chance. I don't blame her for hating my guts. I would too. In fact, trying to be ok with her hating me, this was part of the plan after all. This should make it easier for her in the long run. Yet, I find myself feeling frustrated. I'm crazy about this girl and she can barely even handle sitting in the same room as me.

I couldn't focus during Mrs. Sanders lecture. The girl who I care about the most in this world wouldn't even look in my direction. I know Lila well enough to know it's part of her defense mechanism of course but it still cuts deep. All the walls that had fallen down between the two of us are now higher than ever before. Not only that, but now they likely have barbed wire and chains added to them so nobody will ever get in again. Thinking about that only adds onto my guilt. I thought the worst part would be breaking things off with her, I was very wrong. Sitting next to Lila in class completely guarded is like a slow growing cancer that's eating away at my heart. If she were anyone else I probably wouldn't care so much, I'd be able to let it slide off my back. I've cut things off with plenty of girls over the years, never giving it a second thought. Not with Lila though, this is going to take some time. I'm not sure at this point if I'll ever be able to get over her. At least if I can know she is doing alright I can learn to live with myself.....I think.

I grab my sack lunch I finally find at the bottom of my backpack and slam the locker door shut. I don't think I have it in me to go socialize in the cafeteria. I'm super annoyed and mopey and I don't want to hear it from the guys. Instead I head towards the exit doors. I'll go sit in my car and eat alone. That seems better than sitting across the lunchroom avoiding Lila's table when in reality all I want to do is go scoop Lila up and take it all back.