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**** WARNING: This chapter contains detailed descriptions of self-harming ****

Dedication: TheGirlWhoIsDreaming for the amazing cover on the side. Thank you! :)

Recap:

Coldness seeped through my veins and I felt void of emotion. I started my car, hardly registering the fact that I should not be in a car whilst in this state. I wasn't sure of where I was going until the car had stopped.

I looked at the front door and sighed. I felt nothing. Robotically, I removed myself from the car. Dragging my feet with my head hanging, I manuevered myself to the porch. It wasn't long before he answered, giving me the beautiful smile I loved.

"Lacey?" he asked, his smile instantly dropping. "What's wrong?"

I grabbed his shirt with my hand and tugged him towards me, my lips crushing against his. We stepped back, breathless. My eyes stared into his confused ones. I stepped closer, so there was no space left between us.

"Aiden, I love you too."

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Well, you could say I was a hypocrite.

It had been exactly three hours, twelve minutes and twenty four seconds since I had gone to Aiden's. Well, if Carter gets to run off with Mercedes, why can't I do the same with my own Prince Charming?

Sighing, I stared tiredly at the ceiling. Although my eyes were stinging from exhaustion, I couldn't rest. Every little thing that happened today was racing through my wired brain.

Carter saying he would sleep with my best friend again.

My grandmother dying.

Sleeping with Aiden.

I sighed, rolling to my side. I stared at his defined back. Absently, I reached out and ran my fingers down his skin. At my touch, he jolted awake. As he turned, his eyes widened. It was as though he was expecting me not to be there. My eyes darted low. I felt guilty that he thought that low of me.

What type of person was I?

"Hey," he breathed. "Are you okay?"

"No. Not really."

He wrapped an arm around my neck and drew me towards him. He pressed his lips against my forehead soothingly. I exhaled into him, relaxing at his touch.

"You don't regret it, do you?" he asked tentatively.

"No," I said softly, some of my cold exterior melting as my eyes took in his face. I reached up and ran my fingertips across his jaw. "I just regret what drove me to do it. I wish we had done it under different circumstances."

He looked guilty for a moment. He probably thought he took disadvantage of me when I was emotionally unstable. Which was kind of true, but I wanted to do it. I don't regret the action itself, because it was great. Just that I had to be hurt beyond repair to want to be with him.

"When's the funeral?"

"Two days," I replied, thinking back to the text mum sent me since I refused to answer her persistent calls. Other than Aiden, I really did not want to speak to anyone right now. I would be happy if I could cocoon myself into the blanket and wake up when this was all over.

Feelings of dread and pain filtered through my veins. I blinked, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to be unleashed. The thought of being around people right now was enough to make me feel physically ill, let alone being at my own grandmother's funeral. I was going to lose it, I could tell.

"That's soon." his voice pulled me back to reality.

"I know," I sighed, drawing back from him to rub my eyes wearily. I hastily wiped away the tears that fell, hoping he didn't notice. I was sick of crying. I was sick of people feeling sorry for me. I just wanted it all to be over. "I'm flying there Thursday."

"How long are you staying?"

I jerked my shoulder up. "I don't know. I suppose until mum and dad come home. There will be things to sort out."

"Well I hope you're not gone too long." he said, rolling me onto my back. He propped himself onto his elbow so that his face hovered over mine. "I don't think I could stand not being with you again."

I decided against stating that we haven't really "been together" lately anyway, but his words were too sweet to squander. I exhaled, taking a moment to gaze at him. For too long, I have taken this gorgeous and sweet boy for granted. I needed to start appreciating what I had, before I lost it all again.

"Lace," he began, his eyes boring into mine, effectively pulling me out of my emotional dilemma. "I know things are complicated and you're not really in a good head space right now, but I want to be with you. I love you. I just hope that you can feel the same way about me again. What we had was great until Carter began messing with you again. God, the things I want to do to him for what he has done to you."

"I love you too." I replied, the words not actually that hard to get out, as they usually were. "I do want to be with you. I just don't want to promise you anything right now and let you be hurt again. But I do want to try. Just maybe give me some time. But I still want to spend time with you. Does that make sense?"

"You want to be with me, but not make anything official yet?" He clarified more simply.

"Well, you said it a lot more clearly."

"I'm cool with that." he said, giving me a lazy smile, which I was grateful for. Again, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratefulness for his understanding nature. "Now get some sleep. You look exhausted."

"I feel it," I breathed, attempting to blink away the stinging sensation in my eyes. I arched my neck and brushed my lips against his. I placed my palm against his cheek and rubbed against his jaw with my thumb. "Thank you."

His arm wrapped securely around me and I nuzzled my head into his chest. I was surprised at how comfortable and safe I felt in his arms. After kind-of-being-with-Carter again, I didn't think I would be this comfortable with anyone else.

Turns out, I liked Aiden a lot more than I realised.

***

Sobs wracked my body violently. I trembled, my teeth biting down into my clenched fist as I tried to limit the sounds that were clawing at my throat. Images upon images of her casket getting lowered into the ground whirled around inside my head.

Bodies and bodies of people coming towards me. Their 'comforting' words bouncing around inside my brain. Black was everywhere and I could not rid it from my aching mind. I felt the urge to be sick but somehow kept it down.

I was tired of crying. So sick of feeling terrible all the time. I just wanted this emotional roller coaster to stop.

"Shh baby," mum said, rubbing her hand soothingly over my back. "Shh."

She was not much help seeing as her eyes were just as bad as mine. Both of us were bawling, one step away from having a full blown Britney moment. Okay, I will never shave my hair but I could go 'crazy'.

I ignored the continuous stares I was receiving on the plane. Everyone was watching me wearily, in case I was about to snap and start sending punches or something. If I wasn't so hysterical, I would have laughed at their expressions.

It was amazing being back with my parents. I've been so busy with the mess at home, I hadn't realised how much I had needed them here with me. Miranda was practically family, but ever since my 16th birthday, things had never been the same. Whether they realised or not, they were not considered the family they once were to me.

Since the funeral, I had been avoiding people like the plague. But now that I was away from people and back on the plane, things really hit me.

Okay, so it probably looks like I am being melodramatic, but I cannot describe the empty and lost feeling that has been gradually accumulating inside my chest. It was just one thing after another and my body was too weak to soldier through it anymore.

I did not want to deal with Grandma leaving us.

I especially did not want to deal with everything I had left behind.

Carter. Mercedes. Aiden. Miranda.

My body jerked away from mum's touch. I grabbed fistfulls of my hair, pulling. I clamped my teeth down onto my lip to stop myself crying out. The physical pain would stop the mental pain. I just need to feel something else.

My fingers shook with the desire to have a razor.

"Honey," her voice said, snapping me out of it. Her gentle hands closed around mine, forcing me to let go of my hair. She squeezed me fingers tightly with hers. "I love you so much. Please don't hurt yourself. Talk to me."

"I am done talking," I whispered, refusing to open my eyes. "I am done with everything."

"Maybe we should organise visits with Dr. Marez again-" she started, her voice lining with panic at my possible relapse.

"Just stop talking. Please stop talking."

She fell silent beside me. I rested my head on her shoulder, trying to calm down my racing heart beat and my fast-paced breaths.

"I'm here for you. Always." were the last words I heard, before I shut out everything completely.

***

No matter who I had 'there for me', this was something I did not want to discuss with anyone. Me, myself and I had some serious issues to deal with. So when I locked myself inside my room for some mourning time, or so I told my parents, I took my alcohol stash and made a run for it.

Running away was my new speciality apparently.

I stumbled to the side, my fingers clinging to the gate beside me. I took another swig from the vodka bottle, the liquid burning my raw throat. I attempted to gain my footing and suddenly my legs were tangled. I tumbled to the floor, my bare knees scraping across the cement. A yelp escaped my mouth as I crashed down, the bottle shattering beside me. The liquid oozed out onto the cement ground, dampening my clothes in the process.

I rolled to my side, heaving. Slowly, I sat up and stared down at the sash of blood that was slithering down my shins. The pain felt good.

Mercedes.

Carter.

Miranda.

Aiden.

My grandmother.

My parents.

Images of Carter with his lips locked with one of my former friends burned into my skull. I reached over and turned the tap off, before resting my body back into the scalding water. I swallowed, my fingers running over the razor I held.

Honestly, it just started as a little thing. Every time Carter or my parents upset me, I would cut a small line on my upper thigh. It wasn't mean to hurt me much or scar me, it was just a coping mechanism I had come up with.

The sounds of shouting filtered through the closed, bathroom door. Mum and dad were fighting again. The 'divorce' word had been mentioned. I didn't want to even imagine them separated. Who would I live with? What would happen to us all?

I enclosed my slippery fingers around the bottle beside me and chugged down the remaining liquid. I grimaced as the foul taste erupted inside my throat. I gagged slightly, my head feeling light on my shoulders.

This time, I would not cut my thighs.

My wrists were the next best option. Without even thinking much of it, I began to slash my wrists. I bit my lip to not cry out at the welcomed pain. I kept going.

Blood began pouring down my skin, dropping like crimson ribbons into the water. Suddenly, the pain was unbelievable. Squinting through my blurry vision, I saw blood pumping out of my wrist at an uncontrollable rate. A scream left my lips as I realised I hit a vein.

I hadn't intended this. I just wanted something to distract me. I didn't want to kill myself.

Shouting and banging become a distant noise to me. The door was busted off its hinges, just as blackness began to embed my vision. What the hell was happening to me? Everything happened so fast.

This was it.

It was my time to die.

A scream tore from my throat as the memories bombarded my brain. I fumbled through my bag, seeing the razor that I had not thought about (much) for a long time. I licked my lips, my breathing suddenly had increased. Without a second more of hesitation, I slashed the blade across my skin.

I was so drunk I hardly even felt the sting. More and more slashes accumulated on my arm. A long sigh left my lips as I stared at the blood. My blood. I had missed the refreshing relief it brought as the physical pain distracted my over active mind. I squeezed my eyes shut, images and more images of that night tumbling through my mind. I made new scars over my old ones, not caring that they left jagged lines across my skin.

I honestly have no idea why I did this, but I did. I reached for my phone, the screen blurry. Somehow, I navigated my way to my contacts and rang him. He answered, surprisingly, on the second ring.

"Lacey?"

"I hate you for what you've done to me," I slurred, my words not even making sense to me. I felt the blood running down my arms and splattering on to the clothes I wore, but I didn't care. I was fixated on him again and what he has done to me.

"What? Lacey, are you okay?" his voice was urgent as he tried to understand.

"How could I love a monster?"

I didn't even realise I was crying again until I felt my wet tears land on my skin. I sniffled, wiping at my face, blood smearing across my chin.

"Where are you? Have you been drinking?"

"Don't call me anymore."

"What are you talking about?" he asked hysterically. "Let me come get you."

I let out a humourless laugh. "Oh yes, Carter Williams here to save the day. My hero."

"Lacey-"

I'm not sure what happened, but somehow the line was dead and my phone was back in my bag. I clutched at my head, the emotional tidal wave smashing back through my weak barriers. I began to clamber to my feet, only my body didn't seem to understand.

"What the-" I slurred, trying to make my body do what I wanted.

Black dots began to edge my vision and soon. I swallowed down a lump of something that had lodged itself in my throat. This was happening again. I never thought I would take this path again, but it happened. I felt the familiar sense of fear swell inside my chest.

"Carter," I tried to call out, but my mouth wasn't working.

That was the last thing I remembered before I completely blacked out.

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Bit of a heavy chapter but what do you think?