I lay in my bed, alone, and scroll through the conversations that Olivia and I had in the last few months and days, when my phone rings. Louis is calling. "Oi mate!" He exclaims when I pick up.

"Hey." I say and run my fingers through my not styled and messy hair.

"Are you coming today?" He asks. Louis and Liam are writing on a few songs for the album together and originally it was planned that I'm writing with them, but because of my knee surgery, I can't find a lot of time to join them. I have a lot of doctor appointments and miss out on more than just a few sessions. Ever since I came back from LA a week ago, Louis has been trying to get me to the studio and even though I always say no, it's nice of him to still call and ask me anyways.

"Nah, I can't, mate. I got an doctor's appointment today... again." I explain to him and look over to my crutches.

"Are you still walking with crutches?" Louis asks as if he knows that I'm looking at them and I nod even though he can't see me.

"Yep."

"You better get rid of them before the tour, mate." Louis says, reminding me that we'll start the new tour in a couple of months.

"I'm trying." I tell him and take a deep breath. "I'll call you later or tomorrow, alright? I'm starving right now."

"When are you not?" Louis burst out laughing and I chuckle a little. "Did they take your laugh out during the surgery or did you just loose it in LA, Niall?" He asks when he notices that I'm not full on laughing like he is.

"No, I-I'm just hungry." I lie. The truth is that I haven't fully laughed since the break up. It has been over a month since I last saw Olivia. A month since I last spoke to her. A month since I last heard her voice. I miss her every day, every second, every minute. Ever since I came back from Los Angeles, I can't get her out of mind again. During the time I was away, I manage to at least not think about her constantly. I managed to distract myself from thinking about her but it's so hard when everything just reminds me of her. Literally every little thing.

When I see a girl with curled brown hair, I always think that it's her and then I see that it isn't. When I see a girl reading the same books as her, I always wonder if she's as smart as her. When I see a girl just smiling, it reminds me of her smile and all the times I was able to make her smile.

Now I'm back in London and I miss her even more. I didn't think that that would be possible but apparently it is. I hate knowing that we're so close so each other. I hate knowing that she's probably sitting in a class or at home studying or writing or reading. I hate knowing that she might have continued to live her life like things between us never happened. I hate knowing that she might be better off without me.

But do I really know those things?

What if she actually moved away, to another country, maybe to another continent because she knew that the time would come that I'd be back in London? What if she's not in class or at home studying because she's too broken to do so? What if she didn't continue to live her life like things between us never happened? What if she isn't better off without me?

To be honest, I like to think that she's better, happier, without me, because I can't imagine her being broken. I don't want to imagine her being sad because of me. That's not what I wanted when I drove away.

I haven't cried since New Year and I haven't done much either. I just prepared myself for Los Angeles and the surgery. When I was in Los Angeles, I distracted myself. I met up with old friends and met new people, made new friends.

After the surgery, I just stayed in bed and got room service. I imagine how it would be with her by my side. I imagined how it would be if everything went like planned. Olivia would be by my side, always. She wouldn't leave me alone, she wouldn't ask if I want to be left alone like my bodyguard. She would sleep with me in the huge bed and she would cuddle into my side. I would hold her close to me, stroke her hair and kiss her forehead. I would stay awake and make sure that she's asleep before I even think of sleeping. I would make silly jokes to make her laugh and I would hold her tightly when she gets scared of the horror movie that we would watch when neither of us could sleep. She would play my little nurse. She would get me loads of McDonalds like planned and she would call me and talk to me on the phone while she's away so that I wouldn't feel lonely. She would feed me french fries when I hold her in my arms, so that I wouldn't have to take an arm away from her. She would make me laugh by tripping over my crutches. She would make me feel bad for laughing at her even though she would laugh herself.

We had all those things planned but we never got to fulfil them. It hurts my heart when I just think about it. We could have spent so much time together but instead we were miles apart. We weren't even in the same time zone and even though we are now, I still feel like we're far away from each other. Everyday I wonder if she misses me as much as I miss her.

"Are you still on?" Louis asks and I come back out of my thoughts.

"Yeah, sorry." I say and bite my lip.

"Well, just call when you need something, alright?" He says, knowing that I was lost in thoughts because of Olivia. He and the other boys know that we aren't together and even though I just texted them the news, I think that they all know that it hit me hard. They each called and asked if I'm alright the day that I told them and I answered them all with: I don't know. Since then, our group chat has turned into a comedy club. They all try to make me laugh and Harry even sends funny cat gifs. It's really nice of them and I appreciate everything, even Harry's bad knock knock jokes that make me sometimes chuckle a little.

"Alright." I say and hang up. A second later, I get a text from my personal assistant.

I first didn't want an assistant but the management insisted. They said that I would seriously need one, not just so that I wouldn't have to go out in public with my crutches and get my own groceries or run some errands, but also so that she can keep track of all my appointments and other important stuff . And they are right. My mind is so full with Olivia, that I forget other things easily. Besides that, the management wants me to get back in shape and ready for the tour as soon as possible. That's why I have so many appointments and that's why I'm missing out on writing sessions. But at least, my knee is recovering faster.

I text her back and then get my crutches that stand next to my bed. I hobble into the bathroom and sit down to pee. Afterwards, I take my toothbrush and sit down on the chair in my bathroom that my assistant, Clair, put in. I brush my teeth and then style my hair before I stand up again and carefully wash my face without ruining my hair again. After that, I dry my face with a towel and hobble back to my bedroom to get my phone. The door bell rings and I make my way slowly to the front door. I open it and Clair comes in with two plastic bags that are filled to the top with groceries.

"Did you sleep well?" She asks and walks pass me to the kitchen. I follow her slowly and sit down at the table once I get there.

"Yes and you?" I ask her back. She shakes her head as she starts to put the groceries away.

"My son is teething now." She explains and I look at her confused. "You have no idea what I'm on about, do you?" She asks and I shake my head. I know nothing about kids, except that they are cute, most of the time. "Well, babies get teeth, you know that, right?" She asks and I nod. "Yeah, so my son gets them now and is crying all night and I don't get as much sleep anymore, not that I ever really did. And I mean, my husband is a great help but he can't stay awake all night either. So we're taking turns and it's pretty stressful. You're lucky, you don't have to experience that just yet." Clair explains and finishes putting away the groceries.

"Ohh." I say and nod understanding. I've only put Theo down once and fed him few times before but besides that I usually just play with him when he's content and not crying. "You can sleep if you want. I'll wake you up before the appointment." I offer and her eyes widen.

"That would be amazing. Thank you." She says and starts to make me breakfast. "You like pancakes, right?" She asks as she's already starting to make the batter.

"Yes." I nod and instantly think about Olivia. We had pancakes after our first date and it has become our thing... well it used to be our thing, I think, correcting myself.

After Clair finishes making pancakes, she puts them all on a plate for me and puts a lot of chocolate syrup on top. "Here you go." She says and I thank her smiling. "Just wake me up if you need something. Yell, I'll hear you." Clair smiles and leaves the kitchen. I hear her walk away and look behind my shoulder, seeing her disappear in the corridor. She's probably going to sleep in the guest room and I'm glad that I could help her with getting a bit of sleep.

I finish eating and put my plate away before hobbling into the living room. I sit down on the couch and play a bit on my guitar as I watch TV, waiting for the time to pass by. When the clock finally hits 12pm, I get up and make my way to the guest bedroom. I knock on the door and whisper Clair's name before I open the door. "Clair?" I repeat. "We should go now or else we'll miss my appointment."

She sits up in bed and rubs her eyes open before she stretches and smiles brightly at me.

"Are you ready to go?" She asks and I nod. "Thanks again for letting me sleep, Niall." Clair says as she walks pass me.

"Don't mention it." I say and follow her. She opens the door for me and I hobble outside. Clair opens the door of my car to the front passenger seat and waits for me to be buckled up before she closes the door and quickly runs back into the house. When she's back, she has my documents and stuff with her and gives them to me.

"Now we're ready." She says and drives off. "Do you want to get lunch on the way back?" she wants to know when we're hallway to the hospital.

"Sure." I say as I look outside, wondering if I'll ever see Olivia again. That's what I also do. Looking for her on the streets just to get a glimpse ofher.