《The Immortal Cure》15. Loss
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"It's your mother" Duke continued nervously as he watched me intently
"My mother?" I repeated, my heart pounding in my chest "What happened now?"
"There was an accident..." He trailed off.
I knew where he was going.
I could feel my palms sweat and my heart hammer against my ribcage.
"What happened?" I mumbled, wanting the truth "What happened Duke?" I pushed, fearing I'd lost the only family I had left. No matter how dysfunctional it was.
He shook his head and held a hand on my knee
"We think it was Ryde and Dodge. We should have protected her..." I looked at my hands that fidgeted in my lap.
Although she was mentally gone, and I was to her, she was still my mother, and now she was gone. Because of me.
My eyes burned and began to drip over with tears. A lump caught in my throat and my heart near exploded. I began to shake, feeling myself melt down.
I leaned forward and rest my elbows on my knees, my head sagging low.
"I'm sorry Rosie" Duke repeated softly as his hand now rest on my back.
I held my head in my hands as I lightly began to sob
"It's my fault" I stumbled, my voice breaking
"It's not. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine. I should have had someone protecting her" He tried to blame himself
I shook my head
"Stop. Just, stop" I whispered
"Okay" He complied as his hand moved slow circles over my back.
My contained sobs could no longer be held back, they escaped and I tightly squeezed my eyes closed, crying out for my loss.
I was now alone.
A flood of quiet tears began to flow as Duke pulled me close to him. His arms were soon around me as I clung to his shirt like I had cried to Riley.
This was more intense than any of the problems I'd ever had since my fathers passing.
I couldn't take anymore blows than I'd already endured.
I wanted to run, I wanted to run so far away that I couldn't hear or see anymore hurt or pain.
So far away that I couldn't cause anymore hurt or pain for anyone.
My tears fell freely, stinging my eyes, burning my throat.
Duke was still, relaxed as he held his arms around me, allowing me to release the emotion.
My face was stained with dry tears, my eyelids swollen and sore.
But I didn't care.
I couldn't care less about anything as I held my head against Duke's cold chest.
Like Riley had, Duke rest his chin on top of my head, his hands circling across my back and arm.
I wasn't sure how long I'd been crying for, but I could tell it was well over fifteen minutes. Eventually, I fell silent, but I still didn't move.
My crying had ended, for now.
Duke's hand moved from my back and lightly began stroking my hair as I breathed heavily, trying to steal back my lost air.
"Are you okay?" He whispered close to my face
I just nodded
"Is there anything I can do for you?" He asked, my fingers dis-entangling from the grip on his shirt
I shook my head, and was now aware just how close I was to Duke.
I sniffed and pulled away, keeping my eyes and head down.
I wiped my face with the backs of my hands, and peeled away pieces of hair that had glued itself to my face.
"I'll be okay" I mumbled as I quickly lifted myself up from the sofa.
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Duke was instantly by my side holding me up when my knees gave way beneath me.
His hands were holding my waist as I found my footing again.
"Sorry" I muttered as I stood upright holding onto the inside of his arms.
"Stop saying sorry Rosie" He told me, looking down at me.
I couldn't imagine how I must have looked.
Like a lake monster that had burst from the murky depths covered in slime and water.
"Okay" I whispered as I let go of his arms, expecting him to let go of me also.
He didn't. Instead he gazed down at me, his hands around my hips.
Our eyes were locked and held on as though everything else was non-existent.
I felt his fingers twitch as one hand lifted and lhis fingertips brushed against the edge of my hairline.
Like expected, my heart pounded like a DJ's speaker at a club. He gave me a weak smile and he dropped his fingers back to my waist.
"If there's anything you need, don't hesitate to ask" He extended, caressing my face with his cool breathe.
I wanted him. I wanted him to stay with me, never let me go as my heart took a hold of my better judgement.
I just stared and nodded.
He dropped his hands from me, shoving them into his pockets as he kept his eyes on my face. I snapped from my trance and broke free, pulling my gaze back to reality, walking away towards my room upstairs.
I dragged my feet, and made it to my room without running into anyone. I needed to be alone.
I moved to my wardrobe and pulled out a pair of fresh tracksuit pants and a singlet. I made my way to the shower - for the second time today.
The water was warm and soaked into my skin. I embraced it, letting more tears fall freely as the water swept them away. Majority of the time, I had to brace my hands up against the shower walls, just to hold my shaky body up. I had allowed myself another bout of emotional release, the second of what I assumed would be many.
When I got out, I took my time drying my hair and getting changed into fresh clothes.
I had to force myself to keep going, and not fall in a heap on the floor.
There was time for that later tonight in bed.
I raked my hair up into a loose bun once it was dry and had noticed just how soft and new my hair was after Jaymi had cut it.
I pushed the bathroom door open and moved towards the windows allowing all the light from outside in. I dragged the red curtains across blocking the light and closing the world off.
I crawled back into bed and layed down in a tight curled position, staring aimlessly around the room. I wanted to stay here. I wanted to stay here forever and hide away.
Maybe I should have just surrendered myself to Ryde. Stop the hurt, stop the pain, stop everything, including my inevitable fate of death.
I closed my eyes and pushed away the sobs that threatened me. My head was already pounding like bricks piled on top of each other.
I cleared my brain from thoughts and concentrated on sleeping the pain away.
It was shortly cut out when the creak of my door sounded, causing my heart to beat dramatically in hopes that it was Duke.
Instead Jaymi and Riley's heads popped in front of my view. Riley crouched down beside my bed, bringing his face level with mine as Jaymi crawled on the bed to lay beside me.
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"Are you okay?" Jaymi whispered lightly from behind me
"I'm fine" I muttered as I looked ahead to Riley who watched me
"You want us to stay?" Riley asked, lifting a hand to run his fingers over my hairline.
It didn't hold the same spark and comfort that it had when Duke did it.
"It's fine" I smiled weakly at him.
I wanted them to stay. But it wanted them to leave me alone.
Luckily without me having to say anything, Riley left. But Jaymi stayed. She layed behind me and slung an arm over my waist.
She then began telling me the tale of how her parents had passed on.
I didn't ask for her to tell me about it, so I took it as a privilege that she trusted me enough to explain.
She told me just how hard it was to watch her parents grow old as she remained young.
I'd noticed, as much as some vampires enjoyed their existence, many disliked the fact that they had to stay cold and hard and watch every other human they cared about vanish, with the thought of never seeing them again until the real death.
I remembered talking to Duke about how he wished he would perish, only to see his mother and loved ones again. The thought of never being reunited with them, did break my heart for them.
"Maybe that's why * won't let my heart win Jaymi" I whispered when a silence fell over us
"With Duke you mean?" She asked
I nodded
"One day, I'll die. Just like everyone else. I don't want to see him suffer like he has with losing his mother and Anna and god knows who else all over again"
"Rosie. He wouldn't regret it, any of it. In the end, it gives us our happy memories to keep going. Our hope, our love, everything is worth it. And we have to keep telling ourselves that eventually, our lives will come to an end. We will see our family again" I could hear the smile in her voice
"Tell me honestly Jaymi, how many partners has Duke already gone through? How many women has he married, how many children has he had, only to watch them grow old and perish?"
She was quiet for a moment, and then answered
I automatically assumed it was a few.
"Honestly, one wife, one serious girlfriend" She whispered
"I'm not going to be another statistic. Just another number" I spoke, convincing myself it was wrong. "There's no such thing as soul mates when you're immortal. Your soul belongs to earth, forever. No one else"
I had a feeling that my words had hurt Jaymi. But I think deep down she knew where I was coming from and that it was right.
"I suppose that's why most vampires that fall for humans turn them..." She trailed off, careful of her words
I gave a wide eyed expression, and took a deep inhale. That would never happen. Not me, not now, not ever.
For the rest of the afternoon, Jaymi and I talked about our families and friends. I had a feeling that Jaymi and Clora would be friends too if they ever got the chance to meet. They were so much alike, almost like long lost sisters.
When it came nightfall, all I wanted to do was sleep. I was surprised Jaymi had lasted as long as she had lying beside me without feeding.
I closed my eyes and drifted in and out of sleep for the next two hours. Jaymi stayed by my side. She was humming a familiar tune that Riley had been while we were star gazing. I wondered what it was.
I had finally succumbed to a nice comfortable light sleep when the shifting of Jaymi moving woke me up.
I didn't move, instead I stayed still and kept my eyes closed. I could hear someone else enter the room, and assumed it straight away to be Duke for his night watch. I wanted Jaymi to stay, but I knew she had already given a lot of her time up to me.
I listened carefully as they spoke
"We talked most of the day until she fell asleep" Jaymi explained to him.
I could feel his eyes boring into my body as I 'slept'.
"I should have done something more..." Duke whispered, still obviously feeling it were his fault.
"No Duke. It's no one's fault except Ryde and Dodge. Don't blame yourself. Give her some time and she'll be okay" Jaymi told him exactly what I had
"She doesn't blame you either" She assured him. Something else I'd already told him.
"Maybe you should give her a cuddle" Jaymi's tone changed, playful
She was hanging around Riley too often.
"Not you too" Duke warned with a sigh
"Why whatever do you mean by that?" She chirped innocently
"I didn't understand why Riley was doing what he was, until I overheard you both in his room"
Duke told her confidently
I refrained from smiling, they had been busted.
"And what did you overhear exactly?" Jaymi was playing it cool, even though she knew she had been caught red handed
"You know you shouldn't be meddling in something you have no idea about" He warned, his time serious
"No idea about? C'mon Duke, you make it so obvious about how you really feel about her. Why hide it?" Jaymi got straight to the point.
I wished I was actually asleep. Something inside me didn't want to know the truth.
He sighed "Now's not the time Jaymi"
He wasn't denying it.
"Now is exactly the time Duke" she argued
"It's not" He snapped quickly
"Fine, but just so you know. She feels the same way about you. She's just as much in denial as you are" I could hear her shrug as she took a few steps to leave
"What are you talking about?" Duke must have stopped her just at the door
"Like you said, I have no idea anyway, so..." She trailed off, playing innocent again
"Jaymi" He urged her
She made a tsk noise before continuing
"She feels the same. But she feels like a statistic, a number, apparently she thinks there's no point in being with someone like us, when she's just going to die anyway. Just like you're past partners"
"Woah Jaymi, what? You told her about them?" He sounded mad. What, did he expect me to never find out?
"Yes, I did"
She wasn't scared of him "If you didn't like her to the extent you do, it wouldn't bother what I've told her, would it?"
"Of course it would" Duke lied "But she's right, there is no point in any of what you and Riley assume, because she will one day die, and I will not"
His words were true, but pierced my heart.
"It doesn't always end that way Duke" Jaymi sighed "Besides, you and I both know all of your past relationships were nothing compared to Rosie. She's different on so many levels"
"I already told you Jaymi. Now's not the right time" Duke sunk again
He wasn't giving anything away.
"Fine, but just remember, she is human, and she won't be around forever to wait for you" Jaymi gave up, footsteps soon following, telling me she had left the room.
I wanted to go to sleep, being alone with Duke no longer felt comfortable. He hadn't denied what Jaymi had said and I didn't know how I felt about that.
I wriggled myself around in the direction of the window so he couldn't see my face.
I lay there for a moment and kept my body and head as still as I could.
But I quickly grew rigid when I felt who could only have been Duke, sit on the bed behind me
"How long have you been awake?" His soft voice spoke close behind me.
How did he know? I felt my hands twitch beneath my head
"N-not long" I lied.
I tried to keep as calm as I could knowing that he could easily tell if I was lying.
"How are you feeling?" He asked, obviously, and luckily believing my lie or choosing to ignore it.
"Fine, I guess"
He didn't say anything else, he just sat there. I wondered why, I wondered why he wasn't sitting in his usual spot.
I bravely turned my body around to face him.
"How are you feeling?" I asked, not wanting silence to settle unless he moved and allowed me to sleep.
He shrugged, but didn't turn his head to face "We've come up with a plan" He carefully spoke. "But it's dangerous"
I was instantly interested and propped myself up on my elbows.
This time he turned his head to face me "But I'll tell you the details tomorrow when you've gotten a good night's sleep"
"Sleeping seems impossible since I found out about mum" I slipped up, instantly remembering that I had told him I hadn't been awake for long
"You heard the conversation Jaymi and I had, didn't you?" He read my mind, causing me to become embarrassed and awkward.
I didn't say anything as his eyes turned to meet mine.
I slowly nodded and looked away.
"I'm sorry" I mumbled
"What for?" He asked, watching me
"Everything" I put simply as I pulled myself up into a sitting position, holding my legs against my chest
"Everything over these past two weeks have just been so out of control. Sometimes I wish that Ryde had just finished me off when he had the chance. Then none of this would have -"
I was cut off when Duke was immediately in front of my view, his palm on my cheek as his eyes searched my face
"Don't you dare, dare say that Rosalie" He snapped quietly as my breathing hitched
"But it's true" I shot back, avoiding his gaze at the best of my ability
"Rosie" He whispered, his other hand placing on to the other side of my face "Don't say things like that" He told me, holding my eyes firmly against his.
I rolled my eyes, and was genuinely getting frustrated.
I had nothing left to live for. What was the point of getting these people killed all for someone like me who was destined to die anyway?
"Don't even roll your eyes at me" His voice lightly lifted with a smile
"Why not?" I challenged
"Because it's frustrating"
"Now you know how I feel" I retorted playfully yet honestly
"You have no idea how frustrated I am, so don't roll your eyes, because it makes it worse" He told me again, smiling as he moved his hands from my face
"What are you going to do about it?" I began, rolling my eyes again to test him
He was gritting his teeth as he shook his head at me.
"One more time Rosie. One more time" He warned "You'll regret it"
I smiled and kept my eyes firmly on his, considering whether or not to actually do it.
Aware he was still angled towards me, close, I wondered what would happen if I did decide to push his warning.
My heart began to race at the realization of proximity.
Eventually, I thought I had better not, and just smiled, giving a sigh as my eyes wandered around the room.
Despite avoiding his gaze, I could have sworn I saw a flicker of disappointment in his face.
He had expected me to push the boundary.
"You win" I surrendered
"I always win" He smiled confidently
It was then that without even thinking, without realising what I was doing, I rolled my eyes.
My gaze was instantly on his face.
He smiled smugly and shook his head while clicking his tongue
"Couldn't help yourself could you?" He edged as I waited for punishment
"Bad habit" I casually shrugged trying to get out of it
He was unconvinced and within a second he was holding the blanket over my face as I tried to wriggle free. It wasn't tight enough to suffocate me, but it was dark and I was completely unaware of what he was doing out of sight
I thrashed around, snaking an arm free, reaching out to grab his hand.
"Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" I repeated through bouts of giggling.
I tried to pry his hand away from the blanket, but he was far too strong, and I could have easily broken my fingers if I had tried any harder.
"Duke, I'm sorry!" I continued
I then decided to stop moving, stop biting the bait. I sat still and breathed heavily under the cover. Waiting.
One of my hands remained tightly gripped around his wrist as I relaxed and tried to regain lost air.
"This is really uncalled for" I breathed through the quilt, realising his hand over the top of the blanket had released.
I moved my free hand and in one swift moment threw the fabric off my face, causing loose strands of ruffled hair to fall over my face.
He was smiling wide, his perfect teeth in view as he watched me with amusement dancing in his eyes.
"I told you you would regret it" He sighed, looking down at me
"You're lucky I didn't have my hands free to punch you in the face, I might be small but it would have hurt"
"I'm sure I could have handled it" He shrugged as his hand twitched beneath mine that still clasped around his wrist
"I was starting to really believe you didn't whatsoever have a sense of humour" I told him as I fixed my hair with my free hand
"I'm serious when I need to be. And at the moment that's needed all the time" He explained
My smile slowly faded as I was brought back to the reality of the situation
"How can Riley be so calm during all of this?" I asked, thinking about just how casual he always was
"It's his way of coping I guess. Everyone is different"
"I guess" I mumbled feeling my fingers twitch over his skin as I still held onto his wrist
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